Breaking the Leadership Identity Loop | Why High Performers Feel Stuck

Romie Montpeirous: What's up everyone and welcome to another episode of Leadership from the Heart. I am your host Romy, writing solo today. You know, I always say this, but ⁓ plan is to continue writing solo for the most part and actually put these episodes out weekly. you know, been not great at that.

However, you know, it is what it is. We are where we are. And the goal is to do it more often. goal is to have a weekly episode.

And so I just want to put that out there so that I too hold myself accountable to that. And now that it's out on the ether, it shall happen. And so this week's episode is kind of about our series that you'll see on first TikTok and then eventually Instagram and LinkedIn, but it is about breaking the identity that leaders have, right? And why high they often feel stuck.

And the truth is that you're not stuck, right? You've just outgrown your current way of thinking and those two problems, they're very different because most high performers, they automatically assume that if I work harder, then things will eventually change. And that's basically, you know, pushing the boulder the hill, right? All the time.

When in fact, what I want to encourage in this episode is for you to take a step back, right? And and maybe even let the boulder roll all the way back down see if there's a better way, a better strategy to bring that boulder up the hill, perhaps with less effort and perhaps with more people. So that's kind of direction of today's episode. And the reason why ask to change your perspective is because you're thinking of working hard.

Although, you you can work hard, just maybe not physically hard all the time or, you know, the is that being a leader requires you to sharpen pillars, right? Not just one. Like one pillar is work ethic, work hard. That's just one thing, right?

And if you put all your eggs in that basket and you think that that's gonna be the thing, you're gonna miss out. And again, like I said last week in my series, you're going to feel undervalued, overlooked because you are going to be, because you're only thinking in one way, work harder. And at some point that strategy needs to change, that identity needs to change. And it's because the expectations of you change as you grow.

And as you move up the ladder, the expectation of you needs to change. Cause the version that got you here absolutely will not get you there. And that's why a lot of leaders are exhausted. And they're exhausted because they keep trying to work harder to be recognized when in fact, I invite you to again, take a step back and see where else am I not sharpening that I could sharpen that will make this thing, this boulder still get up the hill, right?

So same result, because remember results focused leaders. So same result, however, differently. And again, perhaps with people to lead, you know, and so ⁓ you're trying to solve this next level problem with old level thinking and you're, it might work for a while, but it won't work forever. It's almost like putting a square into a, I'm sorry, a circle into a square.

Although the circle might fit inside the square, it's not perfect. And there are holes and those holes will eventually, sink the ship, right? And that's a lot of different analogies made in one, I realize that, but that's the way my brain works. So, you know, imagine the inside the square.

That's the circle is old level thinking, the square is new level thinking, right? Evolution. ⁓ And just keep trying to put the same thing in and you don't realize why it keeps sinking, right? And it's because I don't think most leaders are incapable.

I they're capable. I think... They're running emotional loops that keep them standing in the same place, almost frozen. you know, we are going to talk about how high level leaders think, and going to begin operating at the next level because I don't think that you should get the promotion and then get prepared.

Although that is very much so we are in corporate America, a lot of it, right? I think we should get ready for the role and then it becomes almost undeniable to you. And so we're going to talk about what you moving into the next role actually looks like. And was talking to my coach this week and she gave me a really clear outline, you know, for my brand, for the business.

And it's just to get people to think like VP level operators, right? So a vice president of operations, whether that's where you want to go or not, it gives us a clear direction. You should want to think like that anyway, right? Because In our world of ops, yes, the COO is the highest level.

However, the VP of ops is still close enough to the work and the people, least in most worlds. And so that's goal going forward is just to train people on how to think like a VP of operations. And again, our core theme of this episode is stuck or stuck. And I don't think people are stuck.

think they just, again, they don't have this lack of ability. it's something much, much deeper. And coach was telling me that people who feel stuck just have a bunch of emotion like up. And I found that to be very interesting, you know?

⁓ And I find is that when people who ⁓ are unquote stuck, they're usually pretty intelligent. They're hardworking, they're reliable. And again, they're capable. ⁓ And what makes it so frustrating, right?

Because if you don't have the ambition and you don't have the capability and the reliability, and all the things, you don't ever feel stuck, right? What's frustrating about feeling stuck is that you know you're meant for more, which is what's really cool about it. so externally, life may look good, but internally, you feel disconnected from momentum, from And stuck again, you know, a lack of clarity. It's usually emotional avoidance.

It's a fear of uncertainty. It's repeating old identity patterns and staying attached to the old version of yourself. And it's because people think that into the next role, it does require your old identity, right? So, you know, I'm coaching a guy right now and he's known as the nice guy.

And having a real hard time in this new role that he's in to be the direct one, right? The one that just says the thing with care, with love, with all the things, ⁓ but he's a hard time because his identity is trapped in. I'm the nice guy ⁓ encourage him, right? Often through direct coaching to like people already know you're nice.

We don't have to keep repeating that pattern for people to believe that we've already established trust. We already know all the things and I'm not telling you not to be an asshole, but I am telling you that people will continue to step all over you if you allow it, right? It's your standard that's below the standard, right? It's your standard that keeps you operating and keeps people.

treating you or like lowering their standard of themselves. You know, and a lot of leaders repeat the same reactions, the same emotional habits and same decision-making patterns, which is so interesting to me because I too repeat patterns. Of course, we're all people, right? That's how ⁓ we operate.

I find fascinating that we can encounter the same ⁓ object, the same barrier Instead of pivoting and saying, well, obviously what I've tried a hundred times is not working. Let me try something different. We literally just want to have the same emotional pattern. so we talk a lot now lately about pattern recognition, because I think interrupting the pattern is of the most intelligent things a person could do.

You you can't expect different results if you keep having the same problem and you keep approaching it the same way. It clearly does not work. So. ⁓ Your job now is to level up your thinking because obviously your thinking is old and so you need to level up your thinking, which is why we ask for perspectives and feedback.

And then you need to take action because until you take action, you will not build momentum. It will actually just become increasingly more painful until you take action. And that is the purpose. The purpose of more pain is so that it becomes so painful that your fear a backseat and now you're your other, pain takes a front seat and you create action, you know?

And so a lot of people stay stuck and almost ready. ⁓ They stuck and almost ready for years. And it has nothing to do with talent. It has everything to do with the lack of updating of the standards and the identity and the thinking.

And most people don't need more motivation. They need a new perspective, but they're afraid to ask for it because it's going to require You know, most people ask for advice, hoping that you give them the same thing that they've been trying. And when you give them something new, a lot of people are immediately resistant to it because it's going to require a different version of them. And so I leaders a lot.

That's why we have to repeat ourselves. We have to continue repeating ourselves to a certain limit, right? Because people still trying to digest this new perspective that you're giving them. But at some point we do have to say, go do the thing and come back and tell me because they too can just get caught in the dopamine effect of, ⁓ I keep getting this great advice.

I keep getting this great advice. And now we're running a new pattern different from the one before, but still a new pattern that's without action. so we, we, once we get to this pattern, we need to quickly move into action. And so ⁓ You know, again, hard work alone doesn't solve any of our problems, when it's due to being stuck.

Right. So here's a framework that I want to give you guys so that we start to become quote unstuck. Right. ⁓ I want first is to understand the outcome.

And people are so emotionally attached to escaping the discomfort, but they don't clearly define where they actually want to go. And if you can't clearly define where you actually want to go, your goals are too vague and your action is then vague, right? Vague, everything is a mirror guys. know, is what creates movement.

Leadership requires direction. You can't lead people anywhere if you don't know where you're going. So I want you to ask yourself, and this is the first piece of this framework, what do you actually want and get specific with it? and stop asking what are you trying to avoid?

Because most of us talk in the negative, right? So when somebody asks, what do you want? You start to name what you don't want. And this doesn't work, right?

You have to actually name what you want so that your brain, the universe, source, God, everyone starts to conspire to give you that so that your brain actually starts to rewire so that you can start to see opportunities for the thing that you want. you have to be able to name it. If you can't name it, you'll probably never get it. And so that, we're going to move into the framework, which is to name your constraint.

And so this is because people blame circumstances and circumstances sometimes have an impact. Right now we're talking about constraints that are often related to your mindset, your fear, the avoidance, your lack of skill, poor communication, emotional regulation, right? maturity begins when you stop lying to yourself. Just stop lying to yourself.

If you can't tell yourself the truth, I don't know what to tell you. And this is normal, right? I recently... started being brutally honest with myself in all the areas of my life.

And I've got to tell you, that ain't for the weak. Being brutally honest with yourself is tough because you have to admit to yourself that you've been the problem the whole time. But what it does on the flip side of that, and that's why they talk about fear, Everything you want is on the other side of fear. What it gives you is power back, right?

Once you say, I'm not lazy. I'm just not disciplined. And does discipline look like? And then you write out what discipline looks like, and then you just start doing those things.

Maybe not all at once, but little by little. And then all of a sudden, a year later, you're seeing yourself as this whole new person, right? Because you started doing the things that you believed, remember, this is important, that you believed you needed to do in order to be X. And that's the gap.

Right? And we'll talk about the gap between what you say you want and who you're being in another episode. But what I want to say is that you can't solve a problem that you refuse to name. So you got to name it.

And it doesn't even have to be the actual problem, guys. What I need you to understand is whatever you name it, you understand. And you are the most important person in your life. So name it, call it whatever.

You know what you mean. Then you move. Right? Now you start to shift the thinking.

Higher level leaders, they think differently. They start to require different patterns of themselves. Instead of being reactive, they start being strategic. ⁓ I've seen this pattern.

Now, how do I move through it? Because I know if I do this same thing that I've been doing, I'm going to get this result. What result do I actually want? And then now I have to think strategically on how to get there.

Right. We moved from task focus to outcome focus. moved from emotional survival to emotional regulation. We moved from proving yourself to leading people effectively.

Effectively. Right. So that was framework number three, which is shift the thinking framework piece. Number four is take aligned action.

We've talked about this over and over again, and I will never stop talking about action is everything. And that's why stuck is I love what my coach said when she said, It's just a pent up energy because it's just because you're not taking action. That's why you feel stuck in the action. Things will get clear, right?

So action creates clarity, not the other way around. And most leaders wait to feel ready. They wait to feel confident. They wait to feel certain, but confidence is built through evidence.

And in order to have evidence, you need to have action more than you need waiting, you know? And I want to interrupt our program to say, If this episode is hitting you so far, I want you to share it with another leader that you believe is capable, but probably feel stuck in the same cycles. Because these are the kinds of conversations we need to start having in order to create a leadership revolution. And I do believe that a leadership revolution is underway.

I think it's happening right before our eyes, but we have to have the courage to have these types of conversations, these direct kinds of conversations. You know, I love to talk about high levels of leadership because it is what I expect of myself I expect of you too, right? If you're going to decide to lead people, I think this is very important and we'll get back to our regular scheduled program. But the fifth piece of this framework is to use feedback.

And I that feedback can be scary sometimes, but I'll explain why it is. And so high level leaders, they use feedback differently. Emotionally immature leaders, right? When they hear feedback, they go into defense.

They personalize it and they shut it down. Instead, strategic high level leaders, they ask, what is useful here? Right? Because feedback is just data.

It's not your identity. And when your identity is fragile, feedback feels like an attack. And so this is pattern that a lot of people fall under. myself included from time to time, you get an email that triggers you and you go directly into defense mode or you take it personal you shut down, right?

Any one of those three things. And I got to tell you, like taking things personal can have its advantages, but you need to be strategic about it. So the guy that I'm coaching keeps having this thing occur and, not moving towards the action that we've talked about him taking. And I finally said, It's time for you to take this personal because if you're not going to take this personal, you're just going to keep running this loop and you think that you're the victim, but you're not, you know?

And so don't want you to take ⁓ of things personal. However, if you do see an action ⁓ order to alchemize this emotion, sometimes we got to take it personal because once we take it personal and it's about me, now you get to fight back and now you get to take action and all the things, right? Hopefully that works. it doesn't, you know yourself more than anybody else, then don't do that, right?

Don't take it personal if you can't handle taking it personal, right? And so for me, leadership is 99 % not taking things personal because it's not, it's really about them. It's about you too, but in different ways, you know? So framework number six is closing the gap.

We intellectually understand what we need to do. But there's a gap between knowing what we need to do and embodying, becoming, being who you need to be. And the gap is always built through repetition, standards, discipline, and a lot of self-awareness, guys, a lot of self-awareness. And the final step in this framework is to keep moving.

Yes, growth is uncomfortable. You will absolutely doubt yourself and have imposter syndrome. You will outgrow people that you love and that you don't want to leave behind, but you will have to. you will question your direction often and it's okay.

You will feel uncertain at times. That doesn't mean stop. That just means you're evolving. That just means you're in the stretch.

That just means you're getting used to this. And that's cool. That's okay, right? Because what we talked about earlier is this VP level of thinking.

And of the biggest mistakes leaders make is waiting for the title. before operating different, but that puts you behind the eight ball, right? That puts you behind automatically. if you're a supervisor stepping into a manager role and you're not acting the manager already, not in all the ways, not in the ways that you're going to step on people's toes and make it uncomfortable, ⁓ but you're not leveling up your thinking and operating with a wider perspective, then when you become the manager for whatever reason, now you've got to let go of being a supervisor and then learn how to be the manager.

⁓ And learn how to be the director, all of that, right? So you're slowing your own progress down. And so I encourage you to step into the next level of thinking already so that when you get the promotion, one, it becomes undeniable. And then two, already are one into that role.

So we can get into that role. We can take, you know, one, two, three years and then we're ready for the next one. If that's what you want to do, right? But We stay stuck in these roles for so long because you weren't ready.

And then now you got to play catch up and then do the role. And then, we've got to flip that around. ⁓ I encourage corporate America to flip that around. Get leaders ready for the role before you put them in the role.

Give them a fighting chance. Make sure that they're the right person for the role. It actually is to the company's benefit because for a piece of time, you'll have two managers or two people thinking like managers. How great could that be?

And then one continues on, one steps into the role, and then at some point you're going to have two directors, right? And then one moves on and then one takes the role and it continues that way. And that to me is the best way to promote people and to continue the business moving forward, right? ⁓ get the person behind you ready and then the person ahead of you gets you ready.

And then we just continue this chain reaction, you know? We have to start thinking long-term. We have to make decisions faster. In growth, you have to understand your visibility and take ownership way beyond your job description.

There's nothing more that tells me a leader is not ready to grow when they say, that's out of my job description. Cool, cool. If that's out of your job description and that's not something you wanna learn. then I already know where your growth stands.

And I'm not talking about exacerbating people and giving them more than what their current description title thing is. I'm talking about the level of thinking, right? If you can't think except for in your department, if you're not thinking wider, then we have a problem. You need to be thinking high level VP thinking thinks about the entire landscape, not just this one role of whatever.

Right? How does this affect everyone? And when you think about how, in terms of how this affects everyone, your level of standard automatically goes up. You know, and we, we talked a little bit about visibility last week in my series and you know, at higher levels, your behavior becomes your communications because people are watching how you react, how you communicate, how you handle pressure and how you solve problems.

Right? And your next promotion is hidden inside of your current behavior. It's what we just talked about. If you're not ⁓ at the landscape of how this impacts everyone, then we're missing out on some things.

And what I see people tend to hesitate on is making decisions and level thinking. They understand ⁓ Not making a decision is a decision. It is your role to gather as much information as you possibly can within a time frame and then move, decide, execute. A lot of leaders hesitate on ⁓ because they're too emotional about it.

Their fear growing or nervous system is a wreck. so, Leaders who can't regulate themselves, they can't sustain ability. They can't sustain leading people long-term you need stability. You need stability within yourself.

And that's why this leadership thing is not just external work. It's a lot of internal work because leadership has to happen internally before it happens externally. You know, I've so many leaders outsource their confidence. They constantly seek validation from others and They avoid, they're the same ones who are avoiding the difficult conversations or the courageous conversations.

And they identify or they attach their identity to their performance. All of this is unsustainable. All of this creates burnout. All of this has you continuing to prove yourself in ways that exhaust you, right?

And I know that that's what we're used to. It's the way we came up. It's the way we grew up, right? More, harder, dah, dah, dah.

But right now in this world of AI and this automation, we're trying, it's forcing us, at least it should be, forcing us to try to think differently, try to think more strategically, almost be as intelligent AI, right? Forward thinking, all these things that we're, we not be resistant to ⁓ the new toy, but we're resistant to the thinking of it, you know? And so I just wanted to call that out and... and give some my insight around that.

you this level of thinking that we're talking about, I know that when you think of a leader like that, it sounds loud and brash and harsh or aggressive, but it's because real confidence isn't loud. It's just self-trust. It's knowing that I can handle whatever comes up next. And I don't think that's a question that a lot of people ask.

I asked one of my leaders the other day, probably a couple months ago, like, don't you know like anything that comes at you, you're going to handle it? And she was just like, huh, yeah, actually I do. And I was just like, okay, then let's, let's operate that way. Let's walk that way, you know, but sometimes you just need that, that phrase or that gut check that like, Hey, I know you're doubting yourself and that's cool.

That's part of your process. However, when push comes to shove and you're backed into a corner, You're gonna do whatever the fuck you need to do, right? Okay, so let's move like that. And that, man, that, that will get you, that will get you invigorated any time, you know?

And I want you to know that the fear never really disappears ever. You know, you just gotta move with it. You've gotta tell it to that today. Hey, we're doing this anyway.

Hey, I need you to feel safe in here. We're good, I got us, you know? And so you move with the fear, you move in spite of the fear. You know, you don't freeze.

you know, the goal is not to become fearless. I don't think that's ever a thing, right? The goal is to become aligned with your vision that we talked about at the top of the episode and move anyway. And so I encourage you that you don't need more effort.

You need likely a new mindset, a new identity, a new level of self-awareness and a new standard. because your next level isn't waiting for permission. It's waiting for you step into it. And that concludes this week's episode.

Thanks for listening. Like and follow for more. And again, if you found this episode to be helpful and you're thinking of someone else who will also find it helpful, please share. I encourage it.

All right, guys. Ways to get in touch with me will be at the bottom of the episode notes. free to reach out if you need assistance, if you need help, if you wanna work with me one-on-one, there's availability for that. I'm also building the wait list for my community, a safe space we can all get into, know, whatever you want, once a week we'll go live and we'll ask questions and we'll talk about specific things that are happening in the market.

So that link will also be in the show notes And until next week, I'll see you then. Thanks a lot. Bye.