Leading with Fear | The Hidden Leadership Blocks

Romie Montpeirous: Welcome everyone back to another episode of Leadership from the Heart. I'm your host, Romy, and this week we're going to be expanding on what we've been talking about the last couple of weeks. And so just to recap, we've been talking about assumptions and baggage and the stories that we carry into the workplace. And after reading some of the DMs and the comments and hearing from so many of you guys, I noticed something interesting.

You know, very few people asked, how do I become a better leader? Instead, they keep asking questions like, you know, why am I people pleasing? And why do I need approval? And and, you know, some people were saying that this is helpful because they do avoid difficult conversation difficult conversations.

And I think that Those are better questions to be asking because maybe it's not a leadership problem. It's not a skill issue, right? And we we talked about this last week. It's more so that we keep protecting ourselves and we do it subconsciously.

And that's why, you know, I don't want to talk about techniques for the next couple of weeks because I think we've talked about techniques and I've talked about techniques for so long. and what I'm noticing is that people don't necessarily move. once they know more, they move once they like unpack their bags and they the things that they learned from probably early childhood, you know? And of the things that we do are either running towards pleasure or running from pain.

And usually fear quietly running our lives. ⁓ And I want that to continue because I think that that's what's created leadership. Into what it is right now. And we're seeing a shift.

And I'm going to keep calling that shift out because I believe it to be true, where we're seeing people become a lot more compassionate and a lot more open to listening to the reasons why. you know, in my latest series, we talk a little bit about, you know, the ⁓ why behind the why of things, of perfectionism, of kindness, of high standards. And stuff like that. And until we recognize what's underneath these behaviors, we'll keep trying to fix we're not actually getting to the root of the problem.

And so from a behavior to protection, one of the biggest shifts in my own leadership is I stopped asking, why am I doing this? And I started asking, What's making me do this? Because all of us want to be better, right? And we just don't understand why the want is not enough.

And think that it's ⁓ subconscious, like I said. And it's also, you know, neuropathways that we've created that are really hard to break because we're not quite understanding what exactly is happening. And that's why my new favorite thing is pattern recognition. You know, we think that if we can just will our way, and sometimes you can will your way into doing something, but most of the the easier way I think to kind of uncover the reasons why we we continue this behavior.

You know, because It's not random. Most people are intelligent, but at some point you have to ask yourself, why do you keep trying to keep yourself safe? You know, and it's probably because those things absolutely helped you succeed. You know, it it protected you from things like embarrassment and rejection and criticism, sometimes disappointment.

And I know ⁓ none us like to fail, right? But failure is you know, unfortunately, but Failure is part of success. It's it's part of the equation. You know, the challenge is that, like we talked about last week, what what protected you once won't continue protecting you if it's no longer serving you.

It starts to limit you. And your leadership, it doesn't just expose your strengths, it also exposes your quote unquote weaknesses. pressure has a way of of the things that are living w underneath. And, you know.

That's why two leaders can attend the same training, read the same books, the same leadership principles, but have two completely different outcomes when pressure arrives. It's because knowledge is not the the differentiator, right? Awareness of yourself and patterns are right. Fear is like I said, running the show pretty often and ⁓ You know, I want to talk about a fear, a people pleasing fear, because I think a lot of people pleasers this fear of disappointing people.

And I know that I myself have this thing. It's less and less the more I uncover and the more I recognize my patterns. But the fear of disappointing people, especially like for leaders with high empathy, it's because they genuinely care. Like I ⁓ obviously genuinely care about people and I don't want people to feel overlooked or I don't want someone to feel like I'm being unfair.

you know, and could tell that I was protecting relationships that may not need protection, right? Or deserve protection if we're gonna go that far. Right. And I didn't want to damage relationships, but now I can tell that I refuse to damage to abandon myself.

And allow the relationship to damage because saying how you feel, professionally courteous with all the things, should not damage a a strong enough relationship. And and I'm talking about a professional relationship right now, guys. We're at work. So know, and so if if you being honest about the way you feel or you being honest about, you know, some criticism, some feedback, if that damages the relationship, then you know what?

Like, To be honest, you're you're responsible for the way you deliver it, but you cannot be responsible for the way that person emotionally accepts it. They have to go through their process as well, right? And so we say yes, when we really mean no, or we continue to overexplain our decisions, or we delay accountability out of fear of whatever or bad or they're gonna start talking. You know, it again from the outside it does look like compassion, but it's it's rarely compassion.

It's it's wearing the clothes of compassion, but I had to start asking myself, am I am I actually helping this person or am I protecting myself from the discomfort? And that's not the same thing. And most of the time when ⁓ am doing those things, I noticed that it was me who's uncomfortable and trying to protect myself from the discomfort. Instead of just honoring whatever I have to say, why I have to say it, and allowing this person to go through their process as well.

You know? about going to the gym. If I lifted the weight for workout for someone else, then I'd probably very helpful. And you would me it was for you, but you would not get stronger.

And so growth requires resistance. And so I can't keep protecting everybody else because I'm the only one growing and I'm only growing in one direction. I'm not the discomfort to grow me as well. And so leadership works the same way.

You can't take someone else's reps from them and expect them to grow. They're not gonna grow. Every difficult conversation is a rep and every boundary is also a rep. So every time you allow someone to wrestle with a challenge instead of rescuing them.

It's another rep for them. And rescuing feels very loving in the moment, but I think long term, the most loving thing you could do for someone is let them struggle through it, is allow them to build the resilience that they're gonna need in order for them to be successful in the future. And I think that's one of the greatest gifts that we can give people is it's not necessarily comfort, it is discomfort so that they can grow from it. And people are extremely resilient.

And I remember the first time somebody told me. That people were resilient was during a layoff. you know, I was going through it and and and this person said, you they're gonna be fine. People are resilient.

And I thought he was such an asshole for saying that at the moment, but he was right. You know, everybody landed on their feet. It was really early in my career as a leader, and I just didn't understand how companies were doing that. And and since obviously, you know, it's been fifteen, maybe twenty since then.

⁓ Now I, you know, I understand I there are business decisions that are tough, and people are resilient. And it is a requirement of us as leaders to allow them to become resilient. It's it's there where they get confidence. It's earned through that responsibility, not otherwise.

so, you jumping into the perfection side of things, you know, we often call perfectionism excellence. And There is a fine, fine line between excellence and perfectionism. And what's fascinating is that we can jump really easily from people pleasing into perfectionism and it's they usually go hand in hand and most people think it's again because they have high standards, but I often think it's more so at least what it was for me was I didn't want to look foolish or I didn't want to fail or work needs to look like Romy did it, right?

And and all that is is really nice and very egoic at the same time because Yes, it's true that your work should stand for itself and your work should be good. And there's a fine line between good enough and never good enough. And so we need to examine that ⁓ and and that good enough and getting the project in, even if it needs revision, very little revision afterwards, it's okay. I don't turn in something if I know that it needs revision.

I'll revise it, but I won't hold it, assuming that there are more revisions that need to be done that aren't quite just yet. Like just submit it. You're gonna be fine. And better question is: what if there is a mistake?

What if you do look foolish? What if, right? What what does that mean to you and why does that matter? That's the question that I was asked by a coach that said, What if you do look foolish?

What if you do look dumb? What does that mean? And I really had to sit with that. And it was an aha moment for me to understand that, like, like that too is neutral.

It doesn't matter. It's like the media. It's a cycle. Somebody's forget as soon as somebody else does something silly or whatever it is.

And I had to release myself from the burden always trying to look good, always trying to be good, always trying to be. quote unquote perfect. And, you know, perfectionism often delays the impact that you're trying to have. And I know that we continue to tell ourselves it's because we're refining or improving.

And those things are true. But again, there's a line. you know, if you keep waiting, it'll be impossible to judge when it's actually finished. And so continue to forward while you're still stuck.

trying to make the last one perfect. So taught us that mistakes weren't allowed? You know, you don't have to answer that today, but it's something that you could think about and just notice what comes up because failure doesn't assign meaning. We do.

You know, a missed deadline doesn't automatically mean you're incompetent. A presentation that doesn't land well doesn't mean that you're, you know, that you don't belong in the room. Difficult conversation that doesn't go as well as planned doesn't mean you're a bad leader. Those are just the stories that we continue to attach to these neutral events.

so I encourage us, all of us, to not give neutral events meaning of shame or guilt, it's not asking for that power. You're literally the one assigning it. And what leadership like when we stop running ⁓ from fear. Із вистав.

People pleasing and we stop trying to be perfect and we actually get to be ourselves. And the same way our friends get to see us and love us for who we are, the people that work with us also get to see us in a professional way, the way we are, and our and our strengths. And we get to play on each other's strengths and help each other where there's opportunity. And it looks a lot less like performance and it looks more like presence.

that takes us right into what executive presence is, And is not having all the answers. It's not the one that speaks the loudest or always is right. It's the one that's willing to say, I don't know, or I changed my mind and tell me more. And I need a minute to think because I I'm not really sure right now.

And secure leaders, they don't Need to prove that they're the smartest person in the room. They just need to be in the room, right? A lot of leaders are always trying to work the room when in reality we just have to be there and contribute where we can, add value where you can, and not a need to be seen. You know, that need comes from somewhere deep, somewhere else, very deep.

And so can go on that journey yourself to ask where that need comes from, where need to always speak after the last person, where the need to always add to point, you know, does that come from? If it's not ⁓ necessarily really and adding value to the conversation, where does it come from? Do you even notice that you're doing it? I have a belief that most people don't even notice that they're doing it.

They're they're just on autopilot and you know it you can from the outside see that their nervous system is running rampant and they're anxious or they're reactive but you know it's the most grounded leaders that I've been around that transform rooms that transform conversations and meetings and those are the ones that have the most presence know executive presence is ⁓ really not just charisma and being able to smooth and work the room. It's regulation and presence and quietness.

Some of you know, I I was just on a call with with a with a few leaders, but there was one leader in particular that was ⁓ standout for me. And I a thousand percent know he said the least amount of words in that entire meeting. And yet his focus and his ability to l actually listen to what was being said and ask these thoughtful questions to me was a learning opportunity for me because it was the first time in a while that I've seen a leader hold the room and not say quite anything at all.

I admire that and and I'm learning from that myself. you I have I've lived in all of these things, guys. It's just a normal human experience to be insecure about things, to want things to look good, to, you know, not necessarily want to outdo other people, but want your work to speak for itself. I don't think that that's of the ordinary.

I think that's very ordinary. I think that that contributes to success, you know, but I've over explained my decision because I didn't want someone to think I was unfair. I've polished my work longer than necessary because I wanted it to be perfect. And I felt the urge to need to prove myself in rooms where I was already in.

And that's why I'm talking about this stuff. It's not because I'm preaching to the choir. It's because these are the things that I've done as well. And I'm not talking about it from a place of someone who's mastered it.

I'm still learning, as I just explained, you know, I'm just recognizing and talking about my patterns and inviting you to ⁓ look at patterns. And once you recognize those patterns, then then you have choice. And I think we've all been taught that leadership is about becoming more. And I've noticed that it's ⁓ so letting go.

When I start to look at the successes that I've had and the success of other people, it's more so that they are, again, grounded and present and and they're not avoiding and they're ⁓ working the optics only. here to have a positive impact. And they don't necessarily need to be the one to have a positive impact, but they want to contribute to that positive impact. And let go the need to prove.

They've let go of the need to be the one who has all the answers. And You start to see something really nice happen. Something really beautiful is happening within leadership. And it's, know, I've said it before, it's because there's a shift happening and ⁓ shift and a a shift the way we work with automation and AI.

And, you know, it's it's it's forcing to be connected. It's forcing us to have more human interaction. I think it's great because it's forcing us to also look at. ⁓ The parts of us that we're hurting, right?

And that don't serve us anymore. And you stop leading from a place of protection, you start leading from a place of purpose. And I think that that's why we all became leaders. And some of us became leaders for the money and to climb the ladder.

I know that. But I think most people became leaders because they actually like people and they want the company to be successful and they want their teams to be successful. And just all of our shit, all of our baggage is the only thing that gets in the way of that. and so ⁓ we are talking more and more about healing in a way we've never talked about it before, and at our patterns and neuroscience and neuropathways.

And it's because we actually to get better. And transformational leadership doesn't begin when you start implementing a new ⁓ or you know, implementing a new skill that you've learned. It's it's more so when you start to get really curious about yourself as the leader. if you're not quite a leader yet, then you know, the work is still there for you to do so that when you step into leadership, you don't have to do it.

Because what I found is that people will tell you what they think of you when a leader. It's just of the gig. And if you're not secure enough to be able to understand one, where coming from and then two, Be able to look at yourself and see where that's coming from or what they may be talking about, you could, you know, project and less courteous and miss the entire and waste so much time on how that person made you feel instead of moving the business forward. And the work right The is asking, what am I protecting?

And then having the courage to look at it and put it down. And I think that that'll expand from your work life into your home life. And all of your relationships will get better. Because when you stop finding the need to yourself and ⁓ realize the only one that actually matters is what you think of you, you'll see that life ends up opening up for you.

And in really beautiful ways. things get easier, not because life gets easier, but because you have you start to work the courage, the muscle of courage, to look then to decide. And I that and I wish that for all of us that we continue to do this work for ourselves first, for families next, and then for the people that we lead, because ⁓ Everybody deserves the best version of us. so with that, we end this week's episode of Leadership from the Heart.

I hope this one hit home. Please forget to like, share with somebody else, and subscribe. to the channel. We're gonna keep about this.

I think we've got like one more week of Next week we'll get a little bit deeper, a little bit more woo-woo. and then we'll dive into some other stuff. And if you guys have anything you want to know more about. ⁓ Feel free to write a comment, send a DM, do whatever you need to do.

We'll make sure that we respond. And perhaps could be the next podcast episode. So thanks for engaging. See you next week.

Bye.