Unpack Your Baggage | Transformational Leadership Starts Within

Romie Montpeirous: Welcome everybody to another episode of Leadership from the Heart. I'm your host, Romy, and today we're diving into the baggage you carry because transformational leadership does absolutely start from within. And I want to talk about something that I don't think we discuss in leadership yet enough. However, I think it explains a lot. I think the baggage that we carry can a why behind certain conversations feeling heavier than it should. why some leaders need that control that manifests as micromanagement, why some leaders take feedback so personal, you know, and and I think that these things ⁓ are a reflection of some teams may recreate the same problem over and over again. And what's interesting about leadership development, at least for my chair, is just that it teaches us how. To do things. It teaches us how to communicate, how to delegate, how to coach, how to hold people accountable, how to lead meetings, how to think strategically. But if we're being honest, most leaders already know more than what they actually practice. So maybe the question isn't what don't we know? the question is what's in the way of what we already know? Because ⁓ I don't think that most people are reacting to what's happening. I think often they're reacting they're reacting to what happened prior, before. And I think that that viewpoint, looking at it from that lens, changes everything. You know, nobody comes to work empty-handed. I think I've said this before where we're all carrying old stories. You know, one of the biggest realizations I've had is that nobody comes to work and empty-handed. You know, we have Disappointments, we have experiences, we have old fears, we have old insecurities, we have old successes as well and failures. Everybody carries a story with them, right? But then we all sit down in meetings and calling it leadership. But leadership has a really funny way of exposing what's already there underneath the surface because leadership amplifies the leader. Pressure amplifies the leader. Responsibility amplifies the leader. Visibility amplifies the leader. And what gets amplified isn't always strategy. Sometimes what you see is fear, insecurity. You know, we all know those types of leaders that we can see their insecurities peaking. And everybody has insecurities. I'm not pretending that, you know, I don't have any. I think everybody has insecurities. It's just how honest are we being about those insecurities? how do we feel within ourselves to ⁓ be Because sometimes they're just old protection patterns that we never realized we were carrying. And that's why I say that awareness is one of the highest forms of intelligence. because if not aware of ourselves, we'll call these things our personality. And this is where leadership actually gets really interesting because many of the things that we call our personality, this is just how I am, may not be your personality at all. Right? It may be that you've learned to protect yourself in the past, usually from early adolescent, childhood. And maybe these strategies they worked so well back then, and you stopped questioning them. So of course. At some point they become your identity, and then you call it you. it's not because that's actually who you are, it's just something that worked to help you survive and pain, avoid disappointment, rejection, avoid being vulnerable, avoid being dependent on anybody but yourself. And the challenge is that. The protection patterns that we've created to survive, they don't just protect us from the things that we don't want. They also protect us from the things that we do want, like connection, trust, collaboration, support, growth. Because walls we build, they don't just keep out the bad. It's a wall. So it's also keeping out the good. And I think that as a leader, it your job. To mature that, to realize that, to become aware of that. and that type of maturity starts with a very different question. And think question is, what is this behavior protecting me from? And it's deep because you can start to think back to some painful moments. But I think it's necessary if you're going to choose to lead people. It is your responsibility. It's what we expect from our parents. so leadership often resembled as parenting. And I that we have to have the courage to look at our own wounds as a leader so that we don't project our crap, our shit, onto other people. And you know, is one of the greatest leadership lessons that. Taught me to help me be a better leader is that not everything you see or not everything you witness is indeed a fact. know, you're likely reacting ⁓ assigning meaning to something that was supposed to be neutral, but because you have experience, you have a story, because you have a slight remembrance of a feeling that you had in the past. Now we're assigning meaning to something that likely may not have had any meaning to begin with. Right? An event happened, and then the story gets created. You know, somebody gives you feedback, or somebody challenges your idea, or somebody forgot to include you, as simple as including you on an email, or somebody gets promoted, and within seconds, your brain starts to write the narrative. Right. And it doesn't often things that are helpful. It often says things like, they must not respect me, they don't trust me, they don't value me, or they're trying to make me look bad. Right? The event happened and then the interpretation happens. And in this leadership role is learning to separate those two things because they're not the same. This is why two people can walk out of the same exact meeting with two ex completely different experiences. The facts were but the stories they themselves about it are different. And often the stories say more about our baggage than it does the reality. If this conversation is making you think about your own patterns, your own reactions, or maybe even leader that you've worked for, ⁓ share this episode them from love. Because leadership gets easier when we stop making everything about everyone else and start getting really curious about what's happening inside of us. know? And of my favorite topics, you guys know, if you've been listening for a while, is why leaders avoid having courageous or tough conversations. And this becomes especially visible when we're about difficult conversations. And most people think that they're afraid of conflict, but I don't think that they're afraid of conflict. I think what they're actually afraid of what they think conflict means. Right? they avoid the thing, the conflict, but it's because of what conflict means. It may mean rejection, it may mean disapproval, it may mean being misunderstood or hurting somebody's feelings. We're not being liked. But the conversation itself is not the threat. It's rarely a threat. It's the meaning that we've attached to the type of conversation we're going to have. And that's why we avoid it. That's why people delay, they overthink it, they rehearse it, they wait for this perfect moment that never seems to arrive. But avoidance has a cost as well. And avoidance creates stories. And stories create anxiety. And suddenly the thing we've been avoiding becomes much larger than what we needed it to be. And I found that most of the some of the most difficult conversations aren't nearly as painful as the stories we tell ourselves about having them. And I want to kind of go off topic here a little bit. It's it's a tangent, it is because we tend to perpetuate the story. That we create. So let's say we're avoiding conflict because I just I'm I'm conflict avoidant, right? And so not gonna tell you the thing that I know I need to tell you because I'm afraid ⁓ what may happen, and a made-up story that I've created. And so ⁓ I'm to let you assume, ⁓ let create a story. And in that I am creating more conflict by avoiding the conversation. And then my story continues. And I want to point out that you could be perpetuating the exact thing you think you're trying to avoid by avoiding it. And I hope that landed. But what I'm trying to say is if you don't face the thing, the thing will eventually face you. And then you'll have no other choice. just face it while it's small enough to be faced, you know, because that is going yourself. That is caring about else's well-being beyond yourself. It's actually caring about more than anything else because the thing you're trying to avoid is actually conflict. And a conversation about it is the way to go, right? That's just my thought of it. I was, you know, talking to my brother earlier today, and that's kind of the conversation we were having is just like the thing we think we're avoiding is actually the thing we're running into by trying to avoid it. You know. So, there goes my tangent. But the the next segment of this podcast is about This fake competition that we're often in, and it's just another form of baggage that shows up in leadership and it's and it's comparison. And comparison, it's really sneaky because it's often disguised as ambition. And people can spend many years competing with people who aren't competing with them. Right? People often compete for recognition, importance of Approval, visibility, validation. But like everything else, can become exhausting because comparison creates scarcity and it teaches us that someone else's success is somehow something away us. And that's not And in leadership, you need to operate differently because leadership understands the concept of contribution, of partnership. It understands that the best teams aren't built through competition. They're built through collaboration. There is a form of healthy competition. There is a form competing for the sake of competing, but it's not me versus you. It should be teams versus each other for a goal. And it's just to have fun. It means nothing, right? I've never seen comparison create a great culture. I've Only seen contribution create great culture, collaborations create great culture. You know, eventually, all of these things they lead to one question, and that one question has changed the way I think about leadership. And it's what am I protecting? Because underneath so much behavior is fear. Fear of failure, rejection, losing control, disappointing people, being wrong. Right? The fear itself is not the problem. All of us have fear. It's normal. Right? leader has fear. The problem is when the fear is making decisions without our awareness. When it becomes the silent advisor in every conversation or decision relationship opportunity, awareness doesn't remove fear. Awareness creates what I like to call choice. choice creates freedom. Because once you become aware of what you're operating from, whether it's fear or love, and find that, I reacted way because I was fearful of Being rejected. And then you can ask yourself the questions of where did I learn that? When did that start? And you can unravel a little bit. And then now you have awareness of the pattern and the fear. And then you can choose at that point to it or to let it go. And I think that most people believe that growth growth comes from like learning more. And it does. It depends on what you're missing, right? You may need strategy, tools, frameworks, tactics, you know, but transformational leadership requires something else. requires you unlearning. Unlearning the stories that no longer serve you, unlearning the assumptions, unlearning patterns, unlearning the that quietly became your habits. Because When we put down the baggage and we no longer need that, incredible begins to happen. You get ⁓ so much of your energy back. you start to watch yourself trust more, you want to collaborate more, you are all of a sudden so much more creative, you have the energy to build. You have the energy to lead from a place of not taking things personal. And maybe that's the real work. Not becoming someone else, removing the things that keep you, ⁓ us, from who we already are. when leaders stop caring what no longer serves them, they create space for what does. And if I know what do, then why am I still struggling to do it? And the answer is leadership is not just a skill problem. Sometimes it's a baggage problem. And I like to approach most of these with positive intent. Because if I can see from the lens of positive intent, then I can give others grace and operate from this place of fear. Not operate from this place of the world is against me. Because the world is against me only provides one thing, and it's I need to fight to get my position when that is not necessarily true. And there's a better way, a cleaner way, a much easier way to continue becoming the leader that you came here to be. And that concludes this week's episode. I hope you found it helpful. I hope you choose to unpack your bags look at some things that you may be ⁓ around as patterns protection methods. And just one. Just choose one that you know is not serving you and choose to put that bag down. It's not gonna be easy. ⁓ You may have to revisit some painful memories, but it's worth it because you'll be free. And then you'll allow everyone else around you to also be free. So that, we come to a close. And I say thank you for listening. I appreciate your support always. like, share, subscribe. Give a five-star review. Do the whole thing. Do all the things. And I'll catch you next week on another episode of Leadership from the Heart. Peace.