The Communication Pendulum: Why Leaders Swing Between Passive and Aggressive - and How to Stay Centred

Speaker A: Welcome to the first episode in a series about personal effectiveness where I'm going to share how you can be more assertive, optimize your time and reduce your stress. Now, today's episode is a recording from a leadership development program, and we're going to be focusing on assertive communication. So in this session, you're going to be exploring the three different types of communication, so passive aggressive and assertive. And you're going to learn what it looks like to find that assertive middle ground. You're also going to discover the pack model of communication and how understanding the different styles can transform the way in which you interact with your colleagues, but also teams. Then we'll look at why it is that, uh, sometimes do we struggle to say no and the impact of our past experiences and how they shape our communication style today. And then I'll share some practical frameworks for giving and receiving feedback. Now, whether you're a leader or not, the tools in this session are going to help you communicate more clearly, protect your time, but also build better relationships in both life and work. So let's get started. Hello, it's your leadership coach, Estelle Reid, and host of Optimizing Leader Brilliance, the place for calm, confident and strategic leadership. Stay tuned to the end for a mini coaching and reflective practice. Find out more about my services by heading over to estelle read.com. welcome to Resolving conflict, communicating assertively, and handling feedback. And we're really entering into the phase of the program which is about optimizing your personal effectiveness, your brilliance, by giving you some sessions to work on yourself. But also the tools that we use during these sessions can be combined with coaching as well. So. So the tools that you will be using with each other today, you can use with your colleagues too. So we've got this module, we've got time management, we've also got stress management as well. And all three modules, they interplay with one another. And that's because if we don't say no to work and we don't express our needs, then what happens is we get more work on our production line. So what I mean by that is, so I used to work in a factory. At one end there would be an input, so that would be raw materials. In the middle would be the process, and then at the end would be the output. And it's the same with our duties, responsibilities, and our tasks. So every time we say yes to a task that goes on our production line and it stays there until we either deal with the task and it comes off at the other End or we delegate it out. But the point is, we become aware of what we're allowing to put on our production line, because if we are overloaded, then typically that can lead to, uh, mismanagement m of stress, but also our time. So being able to be assertive to look after your own needs is important because it will stop you putting stuff on your production line that isn't yours or that you've got time for or that is causing you stress. So that's how those three modules are related. This is the agenda. So we'll kick off as we always do. We'll review last month's challenges, and then we're going to look at the different styles of communication. So passive aggressive and assertive. And then we'll look at how do we get more in the middle where we are more assertive, but also prevent getting into confrontations with people and getting into conflict. So how do we resolve that amicably? Now, you already got tools in your arsenal that are going to help you manage conflict, because coaching is brilliant for managing conflict. If you can coach people, if you can take them from problem to solution, you're halfway there because you are looking at resolving that and moving it so that there is an effective outcome. So you will spot some coaching throughout this and then there'll be this month's challenge. So before we get into that, which is your number one development area for today's session. So is it resolving conflict? Is it making a request or communicating expectations, saying no, giving feedback, or is it none of the above? So we've got making a request or communicating expectations. So that seems to be the number one need. We're going to talk about different styles of communication today. So we can communicate as parents, as adults and as children, and we can try and dictate to people that you must do this, can't we? But often that will cause conflict. So it's trying to find a balance, an assertive balance where we treat people with dignity and respect. We communicate on a level with people, but we're open, we're honest and we're direct, so people are really clear about what we're asking for. But then what we can then interplay with that, uh, is then feeding back. So using the model to feedback. So if it's not delivered to say, hey, this is what we agreed. And then going through the feedback model that we'll use today. So everything plays into one another with the models that we'll be using. So we're going to look at the different ways in which we communicate with people. So if you were to think about different styles of communication, what springs to mind when you think about assertive communication? Or maybe do you have a somebody who you perceive to be assertive, somebody maybe in the public eye, somebody that you admire or respect. So one of the people that I really respect and admire, uh, is Barack Obama. And for me he is an example. Example of somebody that is confident, he's not overly arrogant, but he is very self assured as well. What I refer to as authentically confident. So he communicates clearly but also he's not into putting others down. And we're going to look at those different forms of communication now. So maybe you've experienced this. So I think about communication being a little bit like a pendulum swing. So at one end we can have passive, the opposite of that can be aggressive. And somewhere in the middle we've got assertiveness, which is what we're going to be focusing on today. But also what can happen sometimes is that if we spend too much time suppressing our needs, not speaking up, this can happen. So we can have a, uh, what we refer to in personality profiling terms, um, is a mercurial shift. So all of a sudden somebody behaves in an opposite way who can relate to that, who's either seen it or experience it themselves. When they've put up with so much and then all of a sudden they'll have a little outburst. So for example, a client I worked with many years ago, she's progressed as a partner within a, uh, business which was a very male dominated partnership. And I perceived her as being assertive, but she was perceived as being bossy and aggressive by the male partners within the business. And yet they were very straightforward and direct. But she's not let it affect her. And she's gone on to progress even further. She's a strong female and she goes, oh, you can perceive me the way you want to perceive me, but that's who I am. It depends on the environment, doesn't it? And I guess also whatever your background is. So I grew up in a household of three females and it was either everybody swept everything under the carpet, they were passive, and then next minute we'd all be shouting at each other and we'd, we'd flip to the aggression side. What's interesting is I very much value open, honest communication because so direct, straightforward, to the point, honest. Because then there's no confusion. I'm not speaking behind anyone's back. Everybody knows how I feel. And yet that can still be perceived as being out of Sync with our family. Ooh, she's being assertive. So it is. It does depend on your environment, but we will get into giving you some clear boundaries as to what's aggressive and what's assertive. And, um, often it's the way that we communicate something. So if we communicate something with anger, then we're probably erring on the side of aggression versus if we are more in neutral mode. As in, look, I'm not communicating this with a lot of emotion behind it. I'm just being straight with you. So I think that can be one of the ways in which we can determine whether we're being aggressive or assertive. And I think the acid test for me is always, how do I feel afterwards? Do I feel like I've got anything to feel guilty or bad about? And often, if there's no negative emotion behind it, then I think I've just been straightforward, so there's nothing to be concerned about there. But I do think it's a skill you have to practice. So many years ago, I was coaching the managing director, who was female, who was passive in her communication style, but successful. And she had a fellow director who was aggressive and he was damaging the culture of this business. And he used to. He used to give what we term in the UK hair dryer treatment. So you. Do you remember the aggressive boss of Manchester United, what's he called? Sir Alex? Yes. And so after a game, he would go in and give them the hair dryer treatment, which is basically shouting at people. And this director in this business, that was his, it was either it's my way or it's the highway. So he, he would just basically say, you just flipping well do it. There was no negotiation, there was no psychological safety, and he always had to be right. Because not being, which is what I loved earlier, she was happy to go. None of us perfect. We're all human. We all make mistakes. And that fits within assertive communication, being straightforward, open and honest. Whereas this guy, he couldn't admit to any mistakes. Anyway, he was sent for coaching because the managing director, the owner of the business, said, I can't work with this guy because he is damaging, uh, the culture of our business, because all our team members are afraid of him. And his complaint was that team members wouldn't offer up ideas and that they were lazy and they weren't innovative. The reason they weren't innovative or they wouldn't offer up ideas is because he always had to be right. It was always his way. And so in order to get the team more engaged, we needed to work with the director to change his behaviour so that the team's behavior would change. And we created again this psychological safety. In fact, I'm just going to show you where I, uh, was going to talk about this later. Uh, but I'm as, I'm talking about it now. So when we get. So his issue was he was denying the feedback. He was denying that he was wrong, everyone else was wrong, he was right. And whenever he was presented with information to the country. So when his managing director said, look, these are examples of your behavior that we would like you to change. And I went through his goals with the tangible examples and he denied what was being said. So he said, no, it's not, it's not true. Um, and I thought, I know that these examples are real. And so I thought, okay, we'd run a leadership development program. I thought, I will feed back the examples that I've seen. So I said, okay. So when we were in the group workshops, I noticed that you didn't allow other team members to offer their ideas. You would stop them from talking. And he went back to. So this is me giving feedback. And he said, no, I didn't. So he denied that. So I thought, okay, I'll take it one step further. I said, being straight with you, I don't think I can coach you because can you do a little thing to help me out and that's to simply hit subscribe or the follow button now, wherever it is that you're listening. So that's maybe on YouTube, Spotify or Apple, because that will help the podcast get found by other people and that then enables us to keep going because we continue to keep growing. What would be 5 star amazing though is if you could also leave a review. I really appreciate it. Thanks for your support. I can coach you because you deny feedback. And you know what his answer was? No, I don't. So I was like. And I said, I can't help you. I said, if you can't accept your development areas. I said, the business is wasting its money because whatever feedback you get, you either deny it or you get defensive. And so we stay stuck. And yeah. And then the culture changed. And it was amazing in that team members, all of a sudden they've got psychological safety. They weren't being shouted at all the time. But this is how we deal with feedback. And today we're going to be covering feedback. And I share this model with you because it helps you to stay sane. So if as leaders or as colleagues, you give someone feedback which is assertive behaviour and they deny it, or they get defensive or they blame you, relax and be easy. No, that's normal. Give them space to rationalise. And then eventually, when we get to acceptance, that's when the internalization and growth occurs. But if we stay stuck in denial, if we stay defensive and angry and blaming, we don't grow and develop as humans. So it is. It's just a useful model to be aware of, to keep you sane when you are giving feedback. So back to three types of behaviour. So passive means that the person that's being passive, they're not expressing needs, they're not saying no when they should be doing, they're not communicating, they're not their expectations, they are losing. The aggressive person, it's all about winning. Which was this leader that I was telling you about? It was all about, I'm right, you're wrong, I've won. The assertive model is about trying to work out a position where everybody wins. What are your expectations and needs? Here are my expectations and needs. Let's see how we can bring those together now so that, uh, sometimes there's compromise and sometimes one person will win a bit more than the other. But it's about creating some kind of balance. What's the difference in responses? So, for example, you're asked to take on an additional project, but you're already overloaded with work. What would be an aggressive response? Who's prepared to speak up? Give me an example of an aggressive response to that. What would be a passive response? And the challenge with that as well is that in the moment we think we can either physically say, yes, yes, I can do that, or sometimes it can be assumed that we will do things. And in my book, I talk about mind the gap, so we fill the gaps that other people create. But that also happens during team meetings, doesn't it? Oh, yeah, I'll do that, that's fine. Or it'll be assumed that we'll do it. And all that's doing is putting more stuff on our production line. So when we say yes to something, what we're actually doing is saying no to something else, aren't we? And that's one of the things I want to get over today. When you say yes to something, what you say no to? And it might be your mental health, it might be your well being, it might be another priority or a to do, or an objective that's already on your production line. So it's been more consciously aware of the things that we say yes to. So what might be an assertive response to that statement. Anyone want to have a go at that? So you're asked to take on an additional project, but you're already overloaded with work. So what we've got here is I'm, um, communicating. This is what I've already got on. Um, so this is my current state of play. I'm already doing Project X, Y and Z, so I don't have time for it actually right now. But what I can do is give you effort at a later date, for example. So you're not saying no? Absolutely not. You're just saying no for right now. We're just being clear. And then if someone says, you absolutely must do this, what do you say then at that point, what, uh, are your thoughts about what you could say then you absolutely must do this project. Okay, fine. Which other project are you going to take off my production line to accommodate this? And so when we get to the, uh, Havening Theory, which we'll do on the stress management module, which is about, you know, we've spoken about getting rid of limiting beliefs from our past. So it's connected to our childhood. So many years ago. I remember working with one person and this was exactly her situation. Her boss just kept putting lots of projects on her production line. She was passive. He was aggressive in his communication style. He was also quite narcissistic. And, um, he had a poor reputation in this organization. Anyway, when I said to her, I said, what's getting in the way of you explaining your workload and saying no, you can't do X, Y or Z project? And she said, and, um, you know what he promised me? He said he wouldn't give me any more projects, but I'm worried if I say no, I'm going to get sacked. And so we can go to worst case scenario, can't we, with this stuff? And I said, okay, how true is that? And I said, are, uh, people regularly sacked for not taking on projects and what your rights in this situation? And she said. I said, are you entitled to say no? And she said, yes, brace, I am. And is he entitled to ask? Yes, he is. Are you entitled to have an open and honest conversation? Yes. Are you entitled to negotiate? Yes. And it's going through. What were our rights in this particular situation and how can we come to a suitable conclusion? Anyway? Going back to the reason she was so afraid to say no is there was something in her past where her dad was quite aggressive in his nature. And if she either made her expectations known, so she asked, made a request, or if she disagreed with her dad or if she said no, he would be quite explosive about that. He would shout, he would sulk. And so as a little girl, she learned that actually to say no or to express needs was a really bad thing. And it felt too scary to be able to say no. So that's when we can use something like havening to get rid of those triggers so that it feels less scary. And that's what we did with her in the end, because she was actually at flight risk. So the HR director had sent this person for coaching, and she said, look, I think she's going to leave the business if we don't manage her stress. And that was the case. That's what she said to me. I'm ready for leaving. She'd been working many years for this organization. And then once we got rid of those triggers, she said, I don't think the organization knows what's hit it. I went in, I spoke to my boss without fear, and I just said, I am not taking on this new project. I've already got X, Y and Z project on. And also you promised you wouldn't give me Z project. So I'd like to pass that back for now. And then once I've completed the first two, then I'm happy to take that on board. And do you know what he said? All he said was, okay then, because he wasn't used to people standing up to him and he'd been used to. And this is what I mean about we can say yes without actually using the word yes. It's just assumed, but it's being aware of when we are making those choices. So this is just some food for thought. It's not the absolute law, but I've experienced this when I've worked with really senior people who on the one hand, so they might have come across as aggressive, arrogant, or superior. So that's one side of the coin. The other side of the coin is inferior. Meek or passive. Um, so two potentially different types of people. Passive people, aggressive people. But interestingly, the reason they are two sides of the same coin, the thing that joins them in the middle, is that often they are feeling threatened in some way. I am not enough, or I feel insecure about something. And if we think about somebody who's being superior or arrogant, always boastful about their achievements, why is it that somebody has to do that, do you think? Oh, yeah, I'm brilliant at everything. I can do this, I can do that, I can do the other. So why the need to say those things? Do you think Is it. Do we feel enough when we have to say that? When we're boastful, do we feel good enough or are we proving something? What do you think? It's a real interesting one. And years ago, I was coaching the deputy CEO of this organization, and we had a sponsor meeting with the CEO and the acting CEO. He was really superior, arrogant, aggressive, towards his deputy CEO. Uh, and the first thing he said was, why are you dressed that way? This was during lockdown. And he said, you need to be dressed more smartly for this call. And I was thinking it was during a time when people were wearing jogging bottoms and slippers. And we know that period of time. And I thought, yeah, it's really interesting. But that was his strategy. If I elevate myself and I demean someone else, I feel more superior versus if we can treat each other with dignity and respect. That's what we're aiming for today, is not to go, oh, I'm gonna demean you. But in actual fact, all the that is often going on there is they're having to make themselves more. More superior in order to make themselves feel better. So that's the reframe that. If you see that going on with someone like, um, in the olden days, that would have really made me feel uncomfortable and, oh, m. Who is this person? But the reframe now is, okay, they're coming from that position. But yeah. So people will either dim their shine and be inferior, meek. So they will do the opposite and others will elevate themselves. But it's often the same feeling just presented in a different way. So let's go. Let's get into this. Communicating in an adult to adult way. So this comes from Transactional Analysis Model, or TA for short, from the Berne Institute. And this is called the PAC model, which stands for parent, adult child. So whenever we are communicating with someone, we can communicate as parents, as adults, or as children. And the parent model is split down the middle. So on one side we've got controlling parent, and on the other side we've got nurturing parent. And then the child is split down the middle also. And on one side we've got compliant child, and then on the other side we've got free or rebellious child, as it's often known as. So let me give you an example of how this works. So I, uh, was coaching the leadership team. I, uh, was coaching the md and then his deputies. And one day one of his deputies came into the office and she said to me, and she was the nurturing parent, actually she was the financial director and she said to me, I'm really sick and tired of the lads not making enough cups of tea. So these are, uh, the other people that were in the team, they leave their dirty mugs on the table. But this is often what office politics can come down to. They're not making cups of tea, they're not cleaning, putting pots in the dishwasher. Anyway, so the nurturing parent first told me, then they went to tell the controlling parent, the md, the managing director, and his solution was to put in another rule. So when we are controlling parent, it is about you do this and here's a rule, and you follow the rules. So it's dictating to people. Whereas the nurturing parent side, it's about looking after people. So the controlling parent goes to the children, so the other teammates. And he writes on a piece of paper, you lads have not been pulling your weight, you've been lazy. Make more cups of tea. And then he went and he stuck a notice on all their computers and then he went off on holiday. Then I saw the children. So the children came for coaching as well. We've got the compliant child, which is all about following the rules of the controlling parent. And the compliant child said to me, oh, m. I've really upset the boss. I, uh, got this note. He thinks we're being lazy. I need to make more cups of tea. Fancy a chat? Or maybe you're interested in the optimized leader program. Next level. You can book a free 15 minute call, see the link on, um, screen or in my show notes. So he's going to follow the rule. Right, I'll just do what the boss says. The free child, the rebellious child, came into the office as well. And he said, oh, uh, I've had this horrible message from the boss. He can shove his job where the sun doesn't shine. He can forget his job. I'm going to resign was what he was implying. So one incident I had 1, 2, 3, 4 coaching conversations. So this is how office politics can escalate and waste time. Instead of just having an adult to adult conversation, which might have sounded like, hey, lads, uh, it's been noted you're not making as many cups of tea as the rest of us. Can you take your turn? Is that all right? And also, would you mind clearing up after yourself? Great, good. Off you go. That's it. Be straightforward, open, honest, adult to adult, not disrespectful. You will. No, hey, I've noticed this, but it's also to do with the way that we communicate. If you communicate with anger, hey, make more cups of tea. That's aggressive. That's not adult to adult. That's being controlling parents. So it's what we say, but it's also the way that we say it. So what's the accompanying emotion behind it? So if you're feeling angry and you need to get your point across, my recommendation would be allow the anger to settle before you communicate. We're going to take some time to reflect and your task is this. So to reflect on which is your preferred style, is it parent, adult or child? And um, then to provide an example. So we're all parents, adults and children. At some point that makes us psychologically sound, but we all tend to have a preference. So for example, when I met my husband, I was compliant child, he was controlling parent. And then as our relationship progressed and we m matured because there's 13 years difference between us as well, we had more of an adult to adult relationship and he was able to have a bit more fun in free child. And yeah, and we had more of an open and honest relationship. But we all typically will tend to have a preference. So which is your preferred style? Provide an example of that. And then what are the pros and cons of that style and what might you do differently? Before we sign off, I'd like to invite you to my quick reflective practice called Pause Reflect act as your leadership coach. I'm here to help you translate today's insights into personal growth and um, your next steps. Answer the prompts that follow in your journal or notes. Alternatively, you can access my complimentary journal and self coaching tool in the show notes or head over to estellead.com what's your default communication style? When you're under pressure or you feel challenged, do you tend to be passive aggressive or assertive? And where do you think that pattern comes from? Number two, which role do you most often play? Is it parent, adult or child? And think of a recent interaction at work. Which mode were you in and how did it affect the outcome of that conversation? Number three, where are you avoiding direct adult to adult conversation? Is there something you've been dancing around either with a colleague, a manager, a team member, or maybe even a family member that would be better resolved with open and honest communication. If you'd like to be notified when the next episode drops, remember to subscribe. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit. Finally, if any of these topics have sparked your interest and you'd like to work with me, you can apply for a free discovery call at, ah, estellread uh dot com. Let's see if we're a good fit. You'll also find plenty of free resources there. I'm Estelle Reid, executive coach speaker, uh, and um, best selling author. Uh, and this has been the Optimising Leader Brilliance Podcast. Thanks for listening. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered professional advice. Please consult with a qualified professional for any specific advice related to your situation.