Reclaiming your Voice and Identity After a Toxic Relationship with Marnie Benney

Welcome to Milestone Moments, the show where we explore the journeys that lead to success. I'm Sheila Slick, your host and founder of Five Milestones. In every episode, we will bring you insights from the minds of entrepreneurs, leaders and experts who will share not just their expertise, but the milestone moments that have reshaped their journeys and led to significant achievements. So if you're looking for motivation, you're in the right place.

Subscribe now and discover the milestones that mark the path to success. Welcome to another episode of Milestone Moments in Business and Leadership. I'm your host, Sheila Slick. And today, my special guest is Marnie Benny.

Marnie is a mindset and resilience coach and mentor, the founder of Mindset Evolution with Marnie. She helps women rise from survival into self -worth, confidence, and independence. She combines lived experience with practical mindset tools to support women in healing, reclaiming their voice, and creating a life they truly want. deserve.

Welcome to the show, Marnie. Thank you, Sheila. Thank you for having me. I know you have a very powerful backstory that led you to do what you do today.

Can you take us back to that turning point of what those 30 plus years were like for you and the point that led you to make that change? So I was in a relationship for 32 years and initially, you know, everything was great and we had solid foundation and I felt a bit invincible. You know, like we got through a lot of stuff. I always felt like we would get through things and then COVID hit.

COVID hit and my now ex took off. I was sent home from work very early because I was working in local government. I was sent home very, very early and were told, take whatever you need for the next two weeks. We're back in office in two weeks' time, which of course didn't happen.

But then I started to realise that things had been happening. So, for example, my mum had sent a letter, had mailed a letter asking if I could send the email to her cousin. And I collected it from the letterbox. I'd put in the table where we would normally put the mail.

And I went back to get it, to action it. And I was like, oh, where's the letter gone? And my ex was, there's no letter there. I put the mail in.

No, you're making it up. You're losing the plots. There was a lot of that sort of stuff had been happening. You know, I was...

told that I was wrong told that I'd made something up that I was losing the plot so I had actually started to feel a bit like I was losing the plot I'd actually started to google do a bit of doctor googling about my mindset because I was a little bit concerned as time went on I was feeling lonely and I was feeling very conflicted feeling very conflicted and the few times that my ex came back for a visit I realized that I was getting an absolute knot in my stomach and I had the knot in my stomach until my ex leaving again.

But the third time I realized this is not right. You know, like I shouldn't be feeling like this. I shouldn't be feeling tense. I shouldn't be feeling, you know, and all of a sudden, you know, I'm back to, I'm losing the plot again.

You know, the turning point for me was, felt like my ex was gearing up to come home and I just thought, I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. because it's not good for me so I pulled the plug and I said this is over things were fairly amicable until we had two fur babies two cats and our boy had a prolapsed bowel I took him to the emergency vet and had to make a really tough decision and it was heartbreaking and I Got myself together. I stayed with him until he was gone.

And then I got myself together. I rang my ex and left a message to inform them about what had happened. And anyway, I got an abusive phone call back. And the abuse was about the fact that I should have waited.

Why did I do that? I should have waited. Anyway, fast forward to the next day. I was online at work in a meeting and...

My personal mobile pinged that my credit card had been disconnected from one of my apps. Didn't think much about it. And a few minutes later, my work mobile pinged. My credit card had been disconnected from an app.

That got my attention because now I've got two different apps, two different phones. So I quickly had a look. And my first thought was that we'd been hacked. Our savings account had 86 cents in it.

So I get a hold of the bank to try and, you know, find out who had hacked into our account and try and get that rectified. Long story cut short, my ex had drawn down on our mortgage, which was almost paid off, had removed all the money from our savings account and had cancelled. We had two joint credit cards, had cancelled my credit cards. So there was 86 cents in the savings account and I had no money on me.

I had to cancel our baby girl's vet clinic appointment. I had to cancel my car service. We had the mortgage due out in two days' time. There was a lot of, well, not a lot, but there was direct debits coming out.

And I went into panic mode and completely shut down. Couldn't understand that my ex had done that. I never would have expected it. And fast forward a few days later.

It turned out, after a number of lies, turned out that my ex had done that because that was payback for me making the tough decision to put our boy to sleep. That was the tipping edge for me. It pushed me over the edge and I ended up with anxiety and depression for the first time in my life. I'd never suffered from that.

I'd supported others with mental health, but I'd never suffered from it myself. My doctor, who, he's been amazing. He was the one who helped me through it. He refused to put me on medication because he knew that would become a crutch for me and he knew that I was strong and I'd get through it.

At the time, I thought that was not going to happen. I felt so bad. I struggled to get myself dressed, struggled to get myself out the door some days and my anxiety was through the roof. But the thing that carried me through that was the fact that every day I woke up and I forced myself to get out of bed to feed.

my baby girl, to make sure that she was okay. And even though I was not really looking after myself well, I made sure that she was okay. And every day I told myself that there was something better coming. I don't know when and I hope it's coming soon, but I forced myself to just push through.

Now, I know that that's not something that everyone can do. Mental health is a really tough thing. I think for me, I found a resilience in me that I didn't know I had. I was determined that I just have to keep going.

It's going to get better. You were married and everything was fine. You didn't have any red flags. You didn't have any of these feelings.

You have a job. It's when COVID hit that I guess something shifted or changed in the relationship that causes him to start having to step out of the house. I didn't realise that there was anything going on. I thought everything was fine, but I was constantly being told towards the end, it wasn't the first two years, but the last couple of years.

And it got worse as time went on. You know, no, there was nothing there. You know, you're losing the plot. So that sort of stuff was happening and I was actually feeling like I was losing the plot.

And it was only when I was home by myself for all that time that I realised when I put something down, it stayed there. And there was other things too. He'd hacked into my socials. I became aware of it, but I wrote that off as a jealousy thing.

I didn't really think about it. So there was flags there that I just didn't pick up on until later. It was in being by myself that I started to put things together and realize that the relationship had become toxic in the last couple of years. I just, because I was living, I just didn't see it, didn't feel it.

And then I also on reflection realized that I was also running from myself. And that was, I think deep down, I probably realized and avoided it avoided facing it avoided dealing with it because it was just too hard so I spent a lot of time running from myself and running from home in the sense of I was actually out running I lost 70 kilos in 10 months and decided for my first marathon in new york at that then started me you know practicing for that had me running and i think a lot of that running was me running from myself or trying to run for myself run from what was happening at home i did six marathons four half marathons and an ultra and a lot of in -betweens in the middle of that and all of that when i look back on it was my way of not dealing with what was happening at home with my relationship and i think that um i think that that's I think that that's part of the course of me at the time.

But I also think it's a pity that I didn't face up to what was happening because I could have prevented having to rebuild my life from scratch completely. Can you give us some examples that help move you from just getting through that day -to -day, that survival mode, to where you're at today where you reclaimed your self -worth and your voice? Absolutely. I used to be really...

outgoing and a bit of a life of the party sort of thing. But over the years, I sort of lost that a bit. And I was happy being with one or two people, but not happy in a crowd anymore. So I think the latter years of my relationship, being what they were, I really did lose myself.

I spent a lot of time walking on eggshells at home and, you know, not wanting to rock the boat, not speaking up because I didn't want to rock the boat. Didn't want to speak up because there might be an argument. If there was an argument, I'd just back down and automatically take the blame. Match that with somebody who's a born people pleaser, who was raised as a bit of a people pleaser.

It's a really bad combination. So I became very subservient. For me, pushing through the depression and anxiety was tough because I did it, like I said, I did it without medication. I did it purely with determination.

frustration and the help of a very good doctor I told myself every day things are going to get better I don't know how I don't know when but I just they have to get better I just have to keep going when I finally came through the depression and the anxiety which I did it took a bit but I did I decided that I was never ever ever nothing would ever push me to that point again I have put things in place for myself now where I can get stressed about something, I can get upset about something, but I know I'll never go back to that place.

Because I think for me, the whole thing was about maintaining the knowledge that as bad as it is today, tomorrow's another day. And it's an inner determination that I taught myself when I was at absolute rock bottom. It was do or die for me. I wasn't suicidal in the sense of doing anything to harm myself, but I was certainly, I had thoughts about not wanting to be here.

And I had thoughts about how I would go, but I was not suicidal, if that makes sense. But for me, that was absolute rock bottom. So I just, I continued to tell myself that I will not ever, ever go back to that place where I don't want to be here. As bad as things get, I'll never get to that point.

So I... Started doing breathing exercises because that also helped me with my anxiety and my stress. That was towards the end as I was coming out. And I still do that now.

My favorite is take six karma circuits. It's a breathing technique. So if I start to feel myself getting stressed, I'll do that. And I can immediately feel myself get calm again.

So I put things into place. that as I, you know, anytime I felt myself sort of building up, I could bring myself down. Didn't necessarily fix the problem for me at the time, but it certainly got me through. So I think trying to keep as positive a mind shift as you can is really important.

It's really hard and sometimes you've got to dig really, really deep for it. But the reminding myself constantly that tomorrow is another day and there's another opportunity coming. I can fix this. I can change this.

I can do something different. That is, I think, what really helped me get through. When did you decide to leave the full -time job and then go out on your own and become founder of Mindset Evolution with Marnie? I decided that I wanted to get a coaching certification so I'd have the right tools.

So I did my coaching certification in 2024. And in 2025, I decided to quit full -time work. and throw myself into doing this on a full -time basis. The turning point for me was the fact that I was very grateful for the job that I had.

It was giving me a paycheck every fortnight, but it wasn't lighting a fire in my soul, whereas helping women does. I think there's a lot of women out there who are struggling and I know that they're struggling, but there's also women out there who aren't aware yet that they're struggling. They're like I was, you know, living it, running from it. not dealing with it, not aware of it.

And if I can help women with that, that to me lights a fire in my soul. So that was an absolute turning point for me when I got well, and I say got well in the sense of when I got myself together and I really picked myself up and started to rebuild me, find my voice, fall in love with me, which is something that I, and I know that probably sounds really weird, but I did not have a good relationship with myself. I'd lost confidence I'd lost self -respect I'd lost my voice I'd lost a chunk of my identity was gone I had to rebuild myself work out who I am what do I want in life find myself again find my voice find my confidence and in doing that I decided that in actual fact I'm not this horrible person that I had built up in my head yeah I decided that I wanted to help as many women as I can and I can't do that while I'm working full -time in a job, like I said, that I'm very grateful for, but that doesn't, you know, it pays the bills, but doesn't do this.

So that was the turning point for me. So how do you help women and what kind of women normally seek your help? So I help women with mindset shifts and building confidence, learning that setting boundaries are actually healthy. There's a lot of women out there and I was one of them who couldn't set boundaries.

couldn't hold to boundaries because you'd feel guilty feel bad um i help women understand that setting healthy boundaries is actually good it's self -respect but it also it also teaches people how they should treat you um i help women with some techniques and some tools to help them you know as their stresses are starting to build so that they can calm themselves down But really, it's about positive mindset. And I teach women how to push through, how to build resilience, how to find their inner toughness, their inner warrior woman who's there.

And I think there's a part of sometimes when I talk to women about things I've been through, sometimes I think it lights a bit of a fire in their belly because you got through that, I can too. Or that happened to you, I thought it was just me. I thought I was anyone who'd gone through this. And in hearing what you've said, it's not just me.

So there's an element of that that I bring to women as well. Where can they find you and learn more or contact you? I'm in Melbourne, Victoria. in Australia, but I am here for any woman who feels that they need a hand in this area.

I'm absolutely there for them. I can be contacted on marniebenny at gmail .com. So it's M -A -R -N -I -E -B -E -N -N -E -Y at gmail .

com. I would love it if women reached out because if I can help anyone, I'm here for that. I'm in the process of starting some online programs. There'll be some free events as well.

I'd really encourage people to come along to that because I can help. Before we wrap this up, for that woman that's listening right now who feels stuck or maybe in a long relationship, maybe perhaps just disconnected from herself, what do you want her to walk away with? What do you want most for her to know? First of all, you are absolutely worth fighting for.

You deserve to live a happy, healthy, peaceful life. You deserve to be sane and heard. and to have a voice and no one should take that away from you. The other thing I'd say is make sure that you have financial security.

Never ever rely on the fact that you're with someone and that you're happy together because that's great. You just don't know when something's going to change. I found myself with 86 cents in the bank and that was a complete shock to me and it was a turning point. So what I would say is...

Never let anyone take your identity away from you. You should be your own biggest cheerleader. It doesn't matter how many people love you. You need to cheer for yourself because you are absolutely worth it.

We get one life in this body and we have to make the most of it. And we all deserve to have our inner raw heard. Thank you so much for joining me today and for sharing this powerful story. Thank you, Sheila.

Thank you for having me. And thank you all for tuning in to another episode of Milestone Moments in Business and Leadership. Until next time.