#47 The Case for Kindness

Speaker A: I once worked with a colleague who was undeniably brilliant. He possessed an impressive command of information about work, about the world, about almost any topic you could imagine. He was well read, current on events, and able to engage in conversation with just charisma and ease. So I, uh, respected the depth of his knowledge, and he contributed meaningful expertise to our team. The challenge, however, was that he knew he was smart. An awareness often translated into unkindness. His comments often came off as just cold, maybe even harsh, in comments he intended as humor. During the energy from the room, he prioritized sharing his opinions over listening to others. And he tended to dominate conversations, ideas, and projects. And so to this day, um, I'm not sure how much of that behavior was intentional, but really, regardless of whether it was or not, the impact was the same. I eventually stopped caring about what he had to say. Even when he offered a genuinely good idea, I found myself resistant to hearing it. It took deliberate patience, a ton of grace, and investing a lot of personal energy to work with him on a positive, caring, and productive way, all while remaining authentic to myself as a leader. So today, uh, I'm, um, making a leadership case for kindness. This is not a soft or overly emotional argument. It's practical. It's focused on creating environments that are productive and welcoming so that people can be cared for and in turn, care for our organization. Ultimately, it's just about making our work environments more meaningful, engaging, and, dare I say, fun. And so in this episode, we'll talk about why kindness matters, what kindness is and what kindness is not. And then we'll end by looking at a few simple habits of kindness to show that it really is just a set of feasible habits and not some abstract leadership ability beyond our reach. So with that, let's get into it. This is the 3x5 leadership podcast. It's a show dedicated to making more intentional leaders, regardless of role, rank, or responsibility, because we believe that better leaders can build a better world. The reality, however, is that you cannot successfully and sustainably pour into others from an empty cup. So how do you keep your cup full as a leader? This show aims to help, and we do that by filling your cup with simple, practical strategies so that you can live, lead, and learn more intentionally. I'm Josh, and, uh, I'm just really glad that you've joined me for today's episode. Now, to continue the discussion on kindness here, I do want to start by offering you some insight into how I frame this meaning. Like, why do I believe that kindness matters, who I am today, and the Leader that I strive to be is shaped by many lessons, and a good portion of those naturally originate from my parents. But there's one philosophy from my mom that has influenced my leadership. Like more than anything else, it's a phrase that should repeat it often and is one that guides my behavior still today. And it is this. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. I'm going to say that one more time. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Now, it may sound cliche, absolutely. And this phrase is one that I've repeated here several times on this platform. But I would say that nothing has shaped my approach to leading people more than that single idea. But the point is simple. The point is how we treat people matters. And in fact, research reinforces this. When people evaluate fairness at work, for example, it's not only the outcomes that matter, as in like who gets promoted, where resources are allocated, or how bonuses are distributed. And it's not only the processes behind those decisions either. There is this, like, third component, which is how people are treated throughout the process, and that is known as interactional justice. Interactional justice. How people are treated throughout the process of things like decisions, uh, resource distribution, and the processes to get there. So our behaviors and attitudes towards others directly shape their sense of fairness. Similarly, consider cohesion within a team. Uh, there's one model that often describes it as developing through three main sources, right? There's task cohesion, social cohesion, and collective cohesion. We will actually look at this topic, uh, here in a coming episode soon. So spoiler alert and maybe like be an alert for that topic if that's interesting to you. So I don't want to dive into all three. However, that second source, the social cohesion, one that reflects the strength of relationships among team members, to put plainly, it means people enjoy working with one another. And so we enjoy working with one another when we have a healthy and productive ways of interacting. So again, how we treat people matters. It helps them feel seen, heard, included and valued. It creates space for vulnerability and authenticity. And whether that shows up in good, bad or ugly, which is the like reality, yes. But in return, people offer trust and commitment. How we people, how we treat people earns us the right to speak truth into their lives. And through all of this, we create a healthier, more enjoyable and more productive workplace. Ultimately, we improve the quality of people's lives. Now, I'd like to pause here to briefly talk about what kindness is not, because I believe it's important to Clarify some distinctions. Kindness in leadership is not meekness, timidity, or softness. It's not an unwillingness to rock the boat. It's not being consumed with fear over the possibility of upsetting others. It's not avoiding hard conversations. And kindness is not focused on simply being liked. All of those behaviors, those are selfish and inwardly focused and they lead to things like niceness or politeness, not kindness. Kindness rather, is outwardly focused. So let's look at, um, some comments here from organizational psychologist Adam Grant. Um, he's the author of books like Give and Take and Think Again, and he distinguishes kindness from the facades of niceness and politeness as well. He states that politeness is focused on what people, on what makes people feel good today, but kindness is doing what helps people get better tomorrow. He says polite teams avoid disagreement and withhold criticism. Kind teams, however, speak honestly and respectfully. So saying what we think others want to hear is nice. It produces sugar coated, ineffective feedback that keeps the peace, but stunts growth. Sharing what we believe others need to hear from a place of genuine care, though, is kind. Speaking truthfully because we want others to succeed. Is kindness so leaders can make hard decisions, speak candidly, give high quality feedback, and develop others, all while being kind? His behaviors are not mutually exclusive, but we must earn the right to speak truth into other people's lives. And one of the most reliable ways to earn that right is to is through consistent habits of kindness. So now we're going to get practical, uh, and look at actual, what I'll call habits of kindness. Here. Kindness that remains internally in our thoughts or intentions never really becomes kindness experienced by others. So to move beyond niceness, politeness, or aloofness, we must operationalize kindness through our words and our actions. So while this is not like, uh, an exhaustive list at all, the following eight habits offer simple, repeatable ways to earn trust, help people feel valued, and cultivate a workplace where others can thrive. So the first habit is to check in with people. Colleagues often will approach us at work focused and prepared, right? They're ready to dive straight into work with like, decisions to be made, obstacles to be hurdled, or seeking guidance to accomplish their tasks. And as leaders, we can do the same, seeking to be efficient and to move straight into discussions about work so that we can move on. Time is our most limited resource, and efficient productivity is always necessary, for sure. But in the big picture of like, what truly matters in life? I ask that question, what matters most in the end, will we care more about our consistent efficiency or the impact that we had with, for and through people. I'd argue that people are always more important than the issue at hand. So start by checking in. When your people approach you, ask how they're doing, how their weekend was, or what they're looking forward to outside of work. It really doesn't matter what you ask about or what you use to check in with them, but the simple act of doing so can have an outsized positive impact. So sometimes kindness is just simply signaling, like, hey, we'll get to this task or this topic here in a minute, but I just want to first see how you're doing. Second habit that we can do is to simply listen. I believe people often just need to be heard more than they need advice. So giving someone your full attention, which means stepping away from your phone, turning from your screen, making eye contact, that is an act of kindness. Let them talk without interruption, then ask questions, affirm their perspective, Listen to understand, and not to merely respond. So, number two, listen. Number three is to show appreciation, say thank you, express gratitude in person. You can do it in an email, or you can do it in a handwritten note. Small gestures like these can generate shared positivity and then help people feel seen. When you think about it, really, appreciation is just simply a form of positive feedback. And who doesn't want more feedback? So constructive feedback is not the only helpful insight. So consider showing appreciation because it matters. That's number three. Number four is to show actual interest in talking to people. Leadership is the business of people and problems. People will interrupt your day. It's a known reality to bring you issues, questions, and needs. Now, you can view these moments as, like, nuisances and distractions, or you can view these as opportunities to invest in people. So when someone asks, like, hey, when they, like, come to your office, for example, they kind of knock on your door and they're kind of like half in the door, half out, or whatever it is. They kind of have a worried look on their face. They're like, hey, do you have a second? You can treat this as a chance to show kindness. So just consider smiling, raise your eyebrows a little bit to show some interest, and then maybe just say with a very easy and warm like, yeah, I'd love to talk. That can communicate safety, support, and care and shows them that, again, that happened before, that you're actually interested in talking to them. All right. Habit number five is to know and treat people as more than just a title. Like, people have families. They have passions, goals, hobbies, and they have struggles. They have baggage and a Whole life outside of work. So learn about them beyond their job description. It doesn't require like this deep time consuming investigation. Building simple awareness by asking a question before a meeting or in passing. Like those can go a long way. So know a hobby, maybe remember a birthday, Acknowledge a personal goal they have. Offer support through life's ups and downs. You know, I mean, you don't have to be their only source of support, but you can be a source of support. This isn't a game of like needing to know it all. You don't have to keep all this information in your head. Like you can use tools. It's not cheating. So for example, like sometimes I jot down people's relevant information in their contact card on my phone in conversation, or I learned something new about them, or they mention their spouse's name or whatever it is. Like as I depart that conversation, I'll go straight to my phone and type in and add that as a note or whatever it is on their contact card. Um, and so like I said, like it might be the spouse or the kids names, hobbies or interests that they've named. Maybe a personally meaningful event that's coming up, like a concert or a vacation. Um, so add those to your contact card or whatever would be relevant for you to help. Maybe recall that information you need. You could also do it for like time based stuff too. Like I talked about maybe a concert or upcoming vacation or something like that, or birthday. Um, you can add those to your calendar as a reminder to ask about them. Now I do want to say, like, it's not inauthentic to use tools to help you remember. Okay? Using your tools just shows that you care enough to put in the work and to ensure that you remember. So again, use the tools available to you, all those kind of things. But the argument here, habit number five is to know and treat people as more than just a title. There's number six. Habit number six is to be available. Again, we've talked about this, mentioned this already in this episode, but I want to specify here, I know that time is the leader's scarcest resource. So to be clear, availability does not just simply mean unlimited access. And really I'd argue that availability is more just about a posture than it is like mere hours of availability. So being available really means just being generous in offering support, whether it's in meetings or emails or whatever. Like say things can, like how can I help? Or you can ask like, hey, what support do you need here? Uh, so just simple questions like these are clear signals of care and kindness through availability. Maintain boundaries as you need for sure, but don't guard your time so tightly or think that you're so important that you become cold or inaccessible. So number six, be available. Habit number seven is to uh, follow up, follow up. Uh, two years ago I was in a season of crisis in the job that I was in at the time. Um, at work there was like competing demands, rapid change. We were in a new environment. Um, I just had a sense of like barely keeping my head above water for a while. And then amidst that, a mentor of mine just reached out unexpectedly with a really short but kind and encouraging email. But I replied. And in that reply I didn't intend to, but like my overwhelm clearly showed through that email, uh, in response. And so his initial message to me meant a lot for sure. But what meant even more was that he followed up a month later with just a simple text. And all it said was morale check. Uh, it was simple and small, but the tiny gesture of following up was like the most meaningful. It showed me that he remembered that he cared and he remained invested. So again, just kind of with these other habits too. Um, like following up doesn't need to be some big elaborate thing. It just needs to say or signal like hey, I care and I'm thinking about you. And like back to my example, my mentors follow up message is two words, morale check. Literally, that's all it was, two words, morale check. And it meant the world in that, in that season that I was in at the time. So I care, I'm thinking about you. You do that by habit number seven, following up, and then uh, eighth and finally the habit is to just, is to share truth in love. Kindness is not about creating perpetual happiness. Let's be clear. Uh, I want to reference Daniel Coyle in his book about this. Daniel, um, Coyle, he's the author of the book Culture Code. Um, and in that uh, he writes this um, really good argument against the challenge and assumption that kindness is perpetual happiness. So in his book the Culture Code, he says one misconception about highly successful cultures is that they're happy, lighthearted places. He says this is mostly not the case. They're energized and engaged. But at their core, the members are oriented less around achieving happiness than around solving hard problems together. He says this task involves many moments of high candor, feedback, uncomfortable truth telling when they confront the gap between where the group is and where it ought to be. Now I'd also want to compare this to Kim Scott, who uh, who also makes a similar argument in her book, which is radical candor. She says that leaders must challenge directly and then also care personally. Kindness and developmental candor are not just opposing behaviors sitting at different ends of some spectrum. They're partners. We give feedback from a place of love because we want others to grow. So we don't use feedback as punishment or judgment. Through it, through our feedback, we signal like, hey, I care about you and I care about our team. I want both to get better. And so in order to do that, like, let's discuss some important truth here. Now, again, having a rate overall, just like sharing truth and love. Truth and love is feedback. This is not an exploration of like, kind of the what the so what the now what, how to or feedback. We've got plenty of other resources and episodes, stuff like that on, um, three by five to do that. But this is just a reminder and reinforcement that feedback is truth and love. And truth and love is kindness. Okay, um, some final thoughts here as we wrap up. Kindness is not a soft skill. It's a leadership advantage. It shapes how people experience us, how they interpret fairness, and how willing they are to trust, collaborate, and, to be honest, uh, environments defined by pressure and complexity. I'd really say that kindness becomes even more essential, not less. And yet many leaders hesitate. We fear it'll make us look, I don't know, like, weak or slow us down. But I would argue, and I'd say from my own experiences, that the opposite is true. Kindness strengthens relationships. It improves cohesion, elevates the teamwork, and it creates the psychological safety required for high performance. It's not a detour from effectiveness. It's a really easy and helpful pathway towards it. So the real question becomes this, like, what's holding you back from choosing kindness more consistently? And, uh, what might change if we committed to making our workplace a kinder place to operate? Leadership is not built in some, like, big, singular, grand gesture, but in repeated and consistent small moments. Kindness. It works the same way. Small, intentional actions accumulate into meaningful impact. So here's the challenge. Choose just one of the habits of kindness that we talked about here in this episode and practice it with thoughtfulness and intention for a day, just a day. Check in with someone, then listen carefully, offer appreciation, follow up, speak truth and love. All of the things we talked about, all of these habits are manageable and they're accessible to us. But again, choose one, and whatever you choose, just make it deliberate. Because when we choose kindness, we don't just lead better. I would say that we make work and life better for the people around us. Okay, wrap it up. Uh, as you go, a couple logistical things. One, uh, please consider giving the show a like and review on whatever platform you're listening to. Just kind of helps us build some cred. Um, and then two, uh, you can subscribe to three by five Leadership via email. If you do not. Um, if you're interested in doing that and want to do that, uh, you can sign up at our welcome page. Uh, the show or the link for that will be in the Show Notes. Um, and by doing that, it's just a simple way to add some developmental value to your inbox every week, right? There's no spam, there's no games. We're not trying to get you anything. We're just trying to help. Trying to add some value, um, and help you be more. A little more intentional and thoughtful, uh, every single week with just a small idea like this. So, um, go to the show notes and sign up for email, um, if you'd like. Um, that's it. Uh, thanks again for joining us for today's episode. I pray that this has helped you think about the argument of kindness, but ultimately, I really just hope that it helps you live, lead and learn a little more intentionally this week. And then now, until next episode, friends, please, as always, take care and lead well.