Episode 5: Nice vs Kind Leadership: Why Being "Nice" Can Undermine Your Team

Speaker: Hi everyone and welcome to the Leadership and Management Reset podcast. Today I want to talk about something that so many leaders struggle with, especially those of you who are very thoughtful, empathetic, and you are values driven. And it's come up twice this week in my coaching sessions, and that's the difference between being nice and being kind. So today we're going to explore why nice leadership can actually undermine performance, why psychological safety matters.

And why? Being kind means being brave enough to do the hard stuff. So let's dive in. And letting standards slide to avoid tension and ultimately delaying difficult conversations.

And actually what we do is we convince ourselves that we're protecting those people, that we are protecting their feelings. So we don't have those conversations. But are we really? Because when we avoid holding someone accountable, this is exactly what happens.

So for me, the foundation of kind leadership is radical candor. Now, Kim Scott, in her book talks about radical candor as caring personally while challenging directly, and that's the balance. It's not about being brutally honest. It's not about sugar coating an issue and not really talking about it as it is, and it's definitely not about staying silent and not having those conversations at all, but it's deeply about caring enough about someone to tell them the truth in service of their development.

Let's face it. We would want a doctor to be held accountable if their performance was not good enough. So we should all be held accountable the same way. And it's the role of the leader to hold that accountability.

And this is where so many leaders wobble because challenging directly feels incredibly uncomfortable. And again, that comes down to being a people pleaser. Here's the shift I want you to consider. If you truly care about someone's growth, you cannot withhold the truth from them.

You are being unkind and unfair. It's not right. People should talk about others behind their back. It's not right that other people have opinions that they don't know about.

But to deliver radical or candor well, you need to care deeply. To care deeply and to be received well. There needs to be psychological safety. It's essential your people need to feel that they are in a position where it's safe to speak up, that it's safe to admit mistakes, that they're not going to have the head bit off because they have done something wrong, that it's safe to ask questions, that they're not going to be judged as.

And as leaders, we should create environments where people feel supported. And stretched because growth requires discomfort and it's, our job is not to eliminate that discomfort. It's to hold well for our teams. They're also a form of clarity.

And if you want to know more about clarity, then take a listen to episode four of this podcast where clarity is the of conversation time. Leadership is also about being boundaried. Saying no when needed. So as a leader, protecting your time and energy so you can lead sustainably and you don't end up over-functioning for others is important because when you do too much and say yes too often, then you become tired and you are not as self-regulated as it's really important to be boundaried for you to do your work.

And when you stretch those boundaries or you have no boundaries, and you pick up the slack as a leader, you are doing yourself and everybody else a disservice because then things become muddy and unclear, and clarity is king and When you do it, however, ensure your mood is regulated so you are not how having that conversation. When you finally reached the, reached the end of your tether, be clear, be respectful, and you might use some practiced phrases, things like, I've noticed this pattern, or Can we have a chat about what's happening?

It can be in the passing and it can also be specially good if it's not just constructive feedback you're giving, but also positive feedback that helps build psychological safety of your team and it helps them feel seen and noticed. Feedback should be normal. Should be expected. Your team should be enabled to give feedback to each other.

Who have been promoted within the team, the bit where they don't feel experienced enough to give someone feedback. You just need clarity about expectations and impact. It's not about how many years you've worked in that sector or what you know or don't know if you're clear about the expectations and everyone can talk about what is expected. Or the most experienced or the eldest person in the room.

But it's about you creating the conditions for others to succeed. And you do that through clear expectations. Regular two, be feedback and holding everyone accountable, including the difficult, more outspoken members of your team. And actually, I think I will do a separate podcast on that subject matter.

And leadership. If you're a leader, it requires you to go first. It requires you to regulate yourself, to manage your emotions well, and to tolerate tension and always to choose growth over approval from others. Being a kind leader's not about being liked, it's about being respected.

It's about building teams who trust you, who know where to stand, who feel safe, and who are stretched and challenged and empowered to be better. What conversations are you postponing? What standards have you lowered or allowed for because you're avoiding difficult conversations. What feedback are you softening too much because you're scared to see the truth?

And what would it look like to practice radical candor? Caring personally and challenging directly this week because my friends, when you own your leadership, you are choosing growth over comfort.