68 Self-Doubt Isn't a Stop Sign: Here's how to keep moving forward

Welcome to Joyfully Unstoppable, the podcast for women who are ready to succeed without the stress. Whether you lead a team, a classroom, a boardroom, or your own big, beautiful life, I am so glad you found us. I'm your host, Becky Hamm, executive coach, speaker, and founder of Women Lead Well. Join me each week for straight talk, practical tips, and a dash of encouragement.

Hello, friend, I hope you are having a great day. Today, we're talking about an all-too-familiar experience for women leaders, self-doubt. And I wanna frame this by saying that you can be a confident person and experience self-doubt. You can have strong belief in your abilities and experience self-doubt.

Self-doubt is just a very natural part of the human condition. And while you might wanna just push it away and power through, I would like to offer an alternative today on the podcast that can help you unlock your growth without all of that white-knuckling Self-doubt, especially with accomplished, amazing women who have a track record of success, self-doubt often comes up when the stakes are high, so when you feel like you've got something important to you on the line, when the path is unfamiliar, so if you're operating at a new level or in a new environment, if the future is uncertain, and like hello, what part of all of our futures is not uncertain right now?

And so self-doubt comes up when things are changing, and as we are trying to orient ourselves with respect to that change. But here's what I'm gonna say today, coming back to self-doubt. Even in the midst of uncertainty and concern, you can move forward and be effective. Certainty and confidence are not conditions of success.

And I'm gonna say that again because this is really important. Certainty is not a condition for success. You do not have to have complete information or complete certainty about the situation or the, or what you're doing or the, the outcome of a decision that you're gonna make. You can move forward in incomplete information.

Certainty is not a requirement for success, and neither is confidence. Doing it scared is far more likely to bring you a positive result than waiting until you feel confident. Virtually every single time, 99.9% of the time, doing it scared will give you a better result.

Certainty, confidence, not requirements, but the lack of certainty, the lack of confidence, big driver for self-doubt And I wanna spend a moment digging into why we are so likely to, um, be captured by self-doubt. I don't know how else to say it. There might be a better way. Shoot me a comment if you, um, have a better way to phrase that.

But... And this is maybe particularly true for women. There might be a gendered element to this. I haven't seen any research on it, but it wouldn't surprise me.

We can feel like we are being thorough and intentional. If we have doubts or uncertainty, that is a trigger or a sign to just do more research, just be a little more diligent, just dig a little bit deeper, look into it a little bit more, right? It looks like we are being thoughtful and careful and, um, responsible. And so when we have that self-doubt, we go looking for more information.

We default to additional preparation, and how many of us prepare up the wazoo for every encounter we have, and how many of us attribute our success in our careers to careful preparation. So that self-doubt just feeds on habits and predispositions that we already possess. Self-doubt also gives us the sense that certainty and confidence are available to us, and so it's reassuring to think, "If I just spend a little more time preparing, if I just spend a little bit more time researching or looking for answers."

But I wanna say this. You can... You should do your due diligence. Don't make big decisions, like, winging it completely.

But more information is not necessarily gonna yield a better result, and statistically, we know it, it's not, it doesn't. Sometimes, maybe, but not as a rule. And I wanna say this, too, when it comes to self-doubt. Doubt is a feeling.

It's an emotion. It is not a verdict on your actual readiness. It is real because you're feeling it, but it is not necessarily true. And this is a key takeaway from our episode today, so if you don't remember anything else, I want you to remember those two things, that confidence and certainty are not indicators of success, and feelings are real, but they are not necessarily true.

And so let's dive into this a little bit more. So let's dive into this a little bit more I want you to stop treating uncertainty as evidence. Again, your feeling is real, but it's not necessarily true. How do you find the truth?

Well, you wanna get curious with yourself and start asking some questions. You wanna ask, "What do I actually know? What do I have evidence to support?" You wanna separate the facts from the story you're telling yourself about those facts.

And I've got a great download. It's a thought-catching journals prompt where when you're when you start to, like, spiral or, or loop on some negative thought, uh, it just gives you a series of questions to ask yourself to stop the spiral, get real clear on what is true, not just the reality of the feeling that you're feeling about something, but get clear and curious about the truth, and then make decisions on the basis of your truth. It could be applicable in this if you're dealing with self-doubt, and those, those doubts are looping in your brain, and you can't find a good way forward.

So I'll link that in the show notes, and let me give you an example of this. For example, you might be thinking to yourself, you know, you've got a promotion, and this is your first time tackling a, a big project at this level. And you can say, like, there's the fact that you've never led a project this large, or you've never led a team this big, or you've never had a portfolio this complex. All of those might be facts But if you're telling yourself the story that I'm not qualified to lead it, well, that's a story.

And you might have some feelings about that story you're telling yourself, but that story isn't necessarily a fact. It's your judgment. And so taking the time to peel that story back and look for evidence to confirm it, and essentially vitally important, looking for evidence to discredit it. So what is the alternative story?

The alternative story is I am qualified to lead this project. I am qualified to lead this team. Well, what evidence can you assemble to prove that story correct? It's confirmation bias, right?

When you go out and look for, for data or information, you're gonna find data or information to confirm the belief. And so give yourself those two opposing beliefs or those two opposing stories and go look for data. And then you can ask yourself objectively, and we'll talk in a minute about leaning on other people. Ask them objectively which set of facts, which set of data is most compelling.

Is it the set of facts and data aligned with the belief that you're not qualified to lead the project or the team, or is the facts and set of data that's aligned with the story that you are, in fact, qualified to lead that project or that team? Let me give you another example. You're in a meeting and you make a recommendation, and somebody challenges that recommendation in front of your boss. So now it's not only that they've challenged you, but there's this dynamic of they're doing it in front of the person who writes your performance evaluation and is responsible for determining whether you get a year-end bonus.

So the fact is somebody challenged your recommendation. The story you might tell yourself coming out of that meeting, Man, everybody thinks I'm incompetent," or, "The boss must not have confidence in me anymore. He lost confidence," or, "She lost confidence in me today because that happened." Those are stories, not necessarily facts.

And so getting curious to ask yourself, "Well, what evidence would corroborate that story? What evidence would corroborate the alternative story that the boss has every confidence in me?" Or the story that that person who challenged me actually gave me some pretty good feedback that I'm gonna use to make this proposal stronger for the betterment of the organization. What facts would confirm that story?

And so as a tool, again, download the thought-catching journal prompts and use that series of questions to help you when you find yourself in a moment like this. But as a bottom line, write down the evidence that supports your concern as well as the evidence that supports your capability, right? What's the belief or the story you're telling yourself? What is an alternative story?

And go looking for evidence to support the different stories and, and compare them. Which one makes more sense? Which one has the preponderance of evidence? The next thing that can help when you are stuck in self-doubt is to get really crystal clear about the actual decision that you are facing first.

This is like the eat the elephant one bite at a time scenario or recommendation. We can feel that self-doubt or that uncertainty because we see the entire picture, and it's big, and particularly in the context of uncertainty, like if a situation is changing and we can't like hammer it down, the whole thing can feel amorphous. But oftentimes, that actual next step, the next right step for you to take, is often a lot smaller than the whole, is often easier to get clarity around, and then you just take the next right step.

And then once you've done that, okay, well, now what's the next right step after that? You're not solving the entire problem at once. You don't need clarity for the entire thing all at once. You're just looking to make the next decision.

And so you wanna ask yourself, What is the decision in front of me today? Do I need to make that decision today or not?" Because it is always viable to delay a decision, unless it is urgent or emergent, right? Some decisions you do have to make on a particular timeline.

But don't assume you have to make a decision today. You wanna ask the question, "What's that decision in front of me right now? Do I need to make it today? What information would materially improve the decision that I'm making?"

Not what information would I like to have, what information would be nice to have. What information actually informs strong decision-making? Do I have that dec- information? Can I get that information?

If I can't get that information, okay, well, what does that mean about the risk that I'm now taking by making a decision? And is it worth moving forward in light of that risk? Because frankly, a lot of times the answer is yes. Accepting the risk, making the decision, and moving forward and iterating or adjusting as necessary is oftentimes the better solution than waiting and losing momentum or losing potential advantage because you waited for too long, waiting for the situation to clarify.

Again, each circumstance is different. My point is, you wanna get curious and not jump to the conclusion that you need to wait for all the information. You wanna ask yourself, "What can I learn only by moving forward? What am I not gonna know until I take this next step and make this decision?"

What is the next action that is within my control? So what can I do? What's my actual decision space? And so ask yourself these questions, scratch at the assumptions that you're making or the stories that you're telling yourself.

Where you can find important, meaningful information that improves the decision that you're making, get that information, and if it takes a little time, if the decision and the process can accommodate that, then okay, then take the time, then you're doing it for a good reason, right? You're not delaying. You are informing the decision. But you're also not dog paddling, just treading water, hoping the situation is gonna get clearer, information that isn't actually gonna improve the decision will fall from the sky.

You rarely need enough confidence, right? I've said confidence does not affect or improve outcomes. You just need to see the decision that is right in front of you and make that decision, and that will then move you forward. You'll have different clarity on your next decision And when you're in the moment facing that choice, whatever it is, if you still feel uncertain about that choice, step back from the particulars of that decision and look at your track record and ask yourself, What have I handled before that can prepare me for this?"

And that might be substantive, you might have dealt with a similar issue, Or it might just be that you have been in a situation of uncertainty before, made decisions with incomplete information, and figured out how to move forward and continue to make progress. So it could be that you have gone through this process before under different circumstances, but you kinda know how to make decisions effectively in uncertainty. Ask yourself, when have you figured something out, right?

I love Marie Forleo. We've talked about her before. Everything is figureoutable. When have you figured something out before in a situation of incomplete information?

And then I love this question 'cause it gets you out of your own head. What would somebody who trusts my judgment say that I'm overlooking? And if the answer is, "Well, nothing," well then there you go. Then you know that it is time to move forward.

And speaking of thinking of someone who trusts you, it's so important to remember that you never have to do this alone. And so think of your mentors, people who know you well. It could be professional, it could be personal. If you're inside the Women's Executive Leadership Lab, you have a beautiful cohort of women who can serve as the sounding board, kind of an informal board of advisors.

But when that self-doubt kicks in, and again, it will, it is just a human thing, talk with someone who can help you think clearly, but who isn't gonna take the decision away from you. And so you might talk with your boss, but if they're gonna get grabby-grabby and try to solve it for you, I would say don't actually talk to your boss. At this point, go to them later as you're briefing the decision that you've made. But at this point, go to somebody whose judgment you trust and ask them that question that I just told you to reflect on.

Like, help me identify what I might be missing, what am I overlooking? Challenge my assumptions behind my recommendation. This is the decision that's in front of me now, this is how I'm thinking about it, what am I missing? Challenge my assumptions, challenge this decision, and then, like, do you think I can do this?

Let them remind you of the times when they've seen you tackle uncertainty and be effective. And all of that is just reassuring, right? It helps provide a little bit of a reminder of who you are and what you're capable of because that self-doubt, that is just a survival instinct. Again, that is just your brain trying to keep you safe by keeping you small, happens to everyone.

But it feels, it, it feels really powerful when it's happening to us in the moment. And so bringing other people in, other women in, who know you and respect you and value what you have to offer, they can help reframe the way you're looking at the situation and help make that feeling of self-doubt a little bit smaller 'cause they're putting it into context. I want you to do it for yourself, but having someone do that for you is also incredibly powerful And then the last thing that I'm gonna say, and you've heard me say it before, confidence is the result of action.

It's not the precursor to action. And again, confidence is not an indicator of success. It just, it, it is a feeling like any other feeling. Feelings are real, they are not necessarily true.

So you've done all of this. You have gotten the information that actually informs a strong decision. You have scoped that decision down to the one that's right in front of you, like your, your next right step. You have thought through the implications.

You have brought in your trusted board of advisors, and I'm gonna tell you to act. Do the thing. Don't wait. Don't wait till you feel ready.

Just do it. Do it scared. And trust me, I walked away from a high-paying, very stable job to launch an executive coaching company. I know a thing or two about doing it scared, and I know it's a sh- it's a cheap, easy thing for me to say, but I have walked the walk, and I am telling you, do it scared.

Do it. Get out there, get the reps in, make the decisions, take the action. It's gonna work the way you thought it would or it's not. Even if it doesn't, that is not the end of the world.

That just brings you to a new decision about how to move forward from this other place, which isn't the place you wanted to be. Okay, fine. You can move forward from that place. But you never make forward motion if you never take action.

Do not waste time waiting for certainty that is not gonna come. Do not waste your career or your life waiting for confidence that will only come on the other side of action. Do the thing. And hey, look, if it is still too much for you to do the thing, if you're listening and you're like, "Yeah, I, yeah, I know she's right, but eh," then always reach out, DM me.

I'm @womenleadwell Across all platforms. I would love to gift you a 60-minute coaching call, no strings, no obligations. Let's talk it out, and let's see if we can't bring you to a place where you feel committed to taking that next step, even if you don't feel ready. So- That's it.

That's what I've got for you. Share your recommendation, even if it scares you to speak in the meeting. Submit the application for that new job you want. Talk to your boss about that promotion.

Ask the difficult question that you think is key for that project or that program to succeed. Make the dang decision, and then implement it. Schedule the conversation. Speak your truth.

You can do it. Self-doubt is not an indicator to slow down or stop. Self-doubt is just an indicator that you're a human. That's all it is.

It's just your brain trying to keep you safe by keeping you small. The feeling is real. It is not necessarily true. You can find the truth about your circumstance and find your next best step.

Take that step, and then take the next one after that. So the next time self-doubt appears, I want you to remember those four steps. You wanna check the facts, separate the evidence from the interpretation or the facts from the feelings, narrow the decision down to what is sitting right in front of you, what you need to do now. Remember your evidence.

Draw on what your experience has already taught you. I guess they're five steps. Bring in your board of advisors. Figure it out for yourself, and then validate or stress-test it with people who you trust, who trust you, and then do the thing.

Take the action. And then let that information guide your next step. Now, if this episode spoke to you, I would love for you to share it with a friend. We need more women leading from alignment, not adrenaline.

And if you haven't already, please make sure to like and subscribe so you don't miss next week's drop. It really helps my podcast find its way to other women who would enjoy it. Remember, joyful, sustainable, and authentic leadership is possible, and you deserve to enjoy every minute of it. Until next time, I'm Becky Hamm, and this is Joyfully Unstoppable.