Self Mastery: The Two-Sided Coin

Speaker A: Foreign.

Speaker B: I'm Michelle.

Speaker A: And I'm Katherine.

Speaker B: And we're here at the Healthy Hurried

Speaker A: Human podcast, where we talk about keeping pace in a world that never slows down. Michelle, my niece, is applying for jobs right now and literally is at home currently working on a, uh, personal assessment, job behaviors assessment. Let's talk about how those help people or what they mean.

Speaker B: I love this. Um, I love, you know, I love talking about this because it's a big, I don't know, not a frustration. Because we hear, you know, when we go into companies, we hear them, oh, we do the Disc, and we do the Enneagram, and we do the Berkman, and we do all these. And they're great. They are great tools. I am. I am for them.

Speaker A: I love them. They're so fun to look at.

Speaker B: And lots of people like identifying things about themselves, helping people, but they aren't. Um, those really test kind of our personality, our communication styles, but they aren't bringing awareness of self. And awareness itself is what is M, is key for us being successful in our workplace, in our relationships. Because, uh, you and I like to use the term self mastery.

Speaker A: Right?

Speaker B: Awareness itself, awareness of self is. Is really getting a grip on our self mastery. Um, a lot of times when we take these assessments, workplaces, uh, do these initiatives, we're gonna start putting codes on people's doors, and so, you know, their colors or whether they're a disc or where they are on the disc. And those are great initiatives. It makes people, um, be in tune. But three weeks after they've gone through the class, they forget. They forget, really? What did all that mean? But they remember about themselves. Um, you know, I'm a D on the disc, or I'm a high D or I'm a low D. They remember that, but they kind of forget. Well, what does that truly mean? And they forget. Well, I don't remember what you were, Catherine. Right. Yeah.

Speaker A: It has to be very immersive in the culture, and you have to practice and you have to speak the language for. For it to be effective.

Speaker B: But really in the work culture, who has time for that? Like that. That would take a lot of time. But if we, if work culture or if we would do this in our personal life, where we focus on self mastery, we would have some of these. Self mastery is. Is that awareness of self, of, of how, um, how do we come into a room and how do we interpret other people's emotions? Are we able to read other people's emotions and respond appropriate? Um, it's the emotional Intelligence, eq. So self mastery is kind of the new way of talking about emotional intelligence.

Speaker A: I, um, am a big fan of Marcus Buckingham, and I read his book he just came out with a couple of years ago about love, love plus work, love and work. And he talks about a lot. That's where the first time I really began to learn a lot about self mastery. And at the time I was an internal recruiter and it caused me to ask different questions in, uh, my job recruiting because let's say I had someone come in and say, well, I'm a really fast learner. Well, if I'm hiring a fast learner, then that means the person they're working for has to be a fast teacher. And so I would ask, do you know how you learn?

Speaker B: Yeah, that's a great question.

Speaker A: And I would. And because if they can tell me how they learn, then I can put a learning. If we end up hiring them, I could put something in place that would be a, uh, great way for them to learn. So that's one aspect where I've used self mastery. Trying to recruit to find out how well do people know what they are. Instead of giving me a boilerplate answer of, uh, well, I'm a great learner. I'm real quick, I go in there, well, that, okay, you think you're a fast learner, but I know the content you're going to have to take on. What's the best way I deliver that to you? But what else are we talking about? About self mastery on like a micro or macro level. Where, where, where else do we need to.

Speaker B: I think self mastery is, it's, it's on both, but you have to decide on a macro level. I think you have to think work because macro level you're looking, you're interacting with a lot of people. Micro level, self ma. What's going on on your inner thoughts and emotions? Um, one of the best ways that we can do an assessment of self is by pausing to find out what are our thoughts? What are my emotions in this scenario, in this situation, what am I thinking? And then how am I feeling about this? We don't do enough practice of pause. I like that you, you and I talk about this. You know, I have all my little sayings that I, I have, but we have two states of being and that's caused by our thoughts and our emotions. A lot of people walk around thinking their emotions are kind of the bridal. They're. It's leading them. It's not, it's really your thoughts. Everything starts from Your thoughts leads to emotions, emotions lead to actions. And if we could do the practice of pausing just to ask ourselves, what am I thinking right now as I walk into this room and I'm starting to feel clammy and anxious and whatever. Is it because my boss is in here and my boss has been kind of giving me the cold shoulder? Am I not, you know, am I not part of the team like I thought I was? You know, the thoughts start racing, and that's where we're getting the clammy hands, the. The racing heart, the, like, thing in your gut.

Speaker A: So when you identify that your actions are tied to an emotion, and from these thoughts, you know, what do we do? How do we. How do we move forward? For, for me personally, I realized that, um, when I was stressed, I would go to the kitchen and make a cup of hot tea and get a snack. And before I had to do a task I didn't like, I'd have to go to the. Go to the kitchen, get a snack. I like to make tea in a teapot. And. But there was. I began to realize that there was a pattern. And it was always before doing a task that was not my favorite, usually data entry of some form. And I began to realize, I associated that. That I needed something comforting.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: In order to psych myself up to do this task. So once I had that in my forefront of my thoughts, it was, well, do I really need the snack or why do I have to do this? You know, this data entry part. Can I. Is this okay? Like, sometimes when you realize that your actions are tied to emotion, how do you evaluate? Should I stop this action?

Speaker B: Well, you know, you were practicing the pause because you, uh, engaged enough to say, oh, I do this because it brings comfort to me. A lot of times right now, what I'm seeing with people and clients that I'm meeting with is they're binge watching or they're scrolling because it's. It's a dopamine hit and it allows us to disengage. Because I don't want to engage with this thing that makes me uncomfortable or irritates me or frustrates me. I go in my office to do, uh, balancing our budget. And I hate that every time I'm like you, I put it together that I'm like, I kind of find a scroll. I. And then I've wasted 30 minutes because I'm trying to do anything to avoid. Because avoidance, we have learned in this hurried pace. That's how we've learned to cope with our hurried Life is avoidance. And you did, you did exactly what you needed to do, which is at least practice the, the practice, the pause to say, what am I doing? Do I need this now? Because you've paused long enough, you can decide whether that's, uh, a healthy coping mechanism for you. You have to decide that. Don't ask a nutritionist, don't ask, ask an exercise expert, because you know at that time what is. Because our life changes and what's our capacity. And if you're in a. If you, you know, we have a friend who loves to do marathon things and if you're in the middle of that, you might say, that's actually not real. That's actually harming me because I'm going for another goal right now in my life. And if I'm going to have 10 tea and biscuits every three hours, probably not going to help me get to that goal. Right. So you have to make that assessment for yourself of, is this a healthy coping mechanism? We all have coping mechanisms. I feel like there's a lot of information that would out there that would tell you, Katherine, that's a coping mechanism. You need to not have that coping mechanism. Because coping mechanism tends to have a negative connotation.

Speaker A: Right.

Speaker B: And it's like, maybe you do need to have the tea. Maybe you decide, I don't need the biscuits. But I don't know. I don't. Is it going. Did it help you get, um, progress? Did it help you become where you would go do your work? I'm sure your boss would rather you do the work than not do it. And if that's the thing that you needed to do. Right.

Speaker A: Well, I will say the tea and biscuits then. I sat and enjoyed that while I was doing the task, which is different than scrolling. The disengagement. Um, disengagement. Such a big buzzword right now with. Because we're all concerned about engagement. Gallup just put out another poll gone up showing that employee engagement is farther away from the goal.

Speaker B: I think it's at 92% right now.

Speaker A: The disengagement. As a person who spent years in a company trying to build culture, develop culture and engagement. I mean, that's saddening to me. And so, so. But what I, what I think I hear you saying is that, uh, pausing and coping mechanisms do not mean you don't have self mastery. Is that a double negative? It, it could, like, they're healthy ways to cope and they're unhealthy ways to cope. That's right. And the 1 like to be Honest with you. The scrolling, the Apple watches, the disengagement that happens when we get a bleep on our watch in the middle of a, of a conference room board meeting or meeting, that's important, that pulls us out of the moment. What I was doing was to try to ease myself into the moment.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: But so there is a difference between coping and disengaging.

Speaker B: Avoidance.

Speaker A: Avoidance. That's. Boy, that's such a.

Speaker B: That's a great word.

Speaker A: It's a great word.

Speaker B: And it's a hard concept in practicing the pause because I've started doing this at home, um, when I feel like I'm scrolling. Cause scrolling has. I didn't do it two years ago and I've realized, wow, that became really addictive very quickly. But I started realizing I was doing it when I was uncomfortable or I just didn't want to deal with, you know, kid stuff or whatever was hard. And I've started practicing the pause and just simply asking the question am I trying to avoid right now? Not always. Not always. We just got a new puppy and it woke up at four in the morning and so it would stop and not wake up the house. We went and laid on the couch together and uh, me and the puppy scrolled because what else is there to do? I wasn't avoiding anything other than trying not to let this thing wake up the house. But you have to ask, you have to have the self awareness to ask yourself the question. Without judgment. That's the key. Without judgment. Because if I ask some people, they think scrolling is bad. A hundred percent. It's mindless, it's not good for your brain, you know, or tea and cookies is bad. Uh, you can't ask anybody else. You have to ask yourself and take the judgment out. When you take the judgment out, we tend to be more honest with ourself. Taking the judgment out helps us be honest.

Speaker A: Learning to be more gracious to ourselves.

Speaker B: That's right.

Speaker A: This episode of the Healthy Hurried Human is brought to you by Barclays Market. Conveniently located to meet your needs. Barclays Market is your go to destination for fuel, snacks and more. We're grateful for their support. So you kind of danced around self awareness, um, there about yourself. Learning what I do. Aware of self. But self awareness can also be, um, your interaction with others. Because we've talked about self mastery and self awareness being two different sides of the same coin.

Speaker B: That's right. Self mastery is two sides of the same. We're going to talk about that a lot. You know a coin has two different Sides to it. Self mastery is looking at yourself and understanding your thoughts, your emotions and what you're. How's it impacting you? The other side of self mastery is understanding your thoughts, your emotions, your actions and how they have an influence or an impact on those around you. You cannot have one without the other. We cannot have self mastery without, without both sides of the coin, it's never

Speaker A: going to be good enough if you don't mix in with others.

Speaker B: Well, if it's always about your thoughts, your emotions, you become pretty self absorbed fairly quickly and in, in since healthy, hurried human. It's the, uh, okay, how do we apply this at work? It can't be all about your thoughts and emotions at work. You need to be aware of that. You need to be taking care of yourself. But you have to think about your thoughts, your emotions, your actions and how they impact those that you're around, those you influence. Whether you are a team lead, a manager, the CEO or your customer. Your thoughts lead to your emotions that then lead to your behavior. I mean, we all see this all the time. Customer service. You get the wrong person on the wrong day and it's now ruined your day and you didn't do anything. But we also know the other side of that. When we get somebody who's just amazing and they were just happy. Um, this happened to me recently. This is so simple where I walked into one place, an auto place, and it's run by, you know, it's all young men in there. And you walk in there, I think they're, um, being charged to turn over very quickly. And you can see it on them. And they, when you walk in, they don't greet you. They don't, they're like, what's your phone number? You know, And I thought, hey, you know, and then later that day I walked into another place and it's, hey, welcome in. And I thought, gosh, I know that they're teaching them to do that, but what a difference in the culture because they're teaching them how that is basic, basic, basic customer service. And you think, well, you can train that you can. But wouldn't it be great if we helped our employees understand that their thoughts lead to their emotions? Because we can tell the difference between welcome in, uh, because of training and a smile and, um, looking you in the eye and because actually I'm doing okay today because I'm aware of, uh, how I'm feeling on the inside. So when I see a customer, hey, welcome in. Glad you're here. We can tell the difference.

Speaker A: I Had a recent college graduate ask me, um, what she should do to prepare for job interviews. And right off the bat I said, know who you are, know what you bring to the table, know what makes you different than every other applicant they're going to see. Again, it's all under this banner of self mastery. And unfortunately, ah, we are lacking in our society of teaching. We talk a lot about be individual and how you dress, be individual in how you style, um, don't conform. You know, we try to encourage that but we, we don't take a lot of time to teach people to um, inwardly assess what they love, what their uniqueness is, what they bring to a job, um, what their personal values are. And part of the self mastery struggle is knowing your and not comparing it to anyone else. Not. What does Michelle bring to a podcast that I think I need to emulate or I need to mimic, but it's like, no, what does Catherine bring to a podcast that's just myself and learning to be comfortable with that because I think at the root we all want to be significant. We want to be significant in our jobs, we want to be significant to the people we love and in our friendships.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: And there's this pressure to con like, oh, I have to look this way, I have to have be on trend.

Speaker B: And then we see that a lot. I see it in my, you know that the gin. The Gen Z era because they were the ones who grew up with the most social media. And so I see them struggling with it the most because they feel like, oh, I'm, um, I've got to emulate. I've. That's how these people became significant. So I need to try to. You. I mean, skibidi. The words that they.

Speaker A: I don't know about that because I'm gonna tell you, I can name five girls that had the Rachel Green haircut once Friends happened.

Speaker B: No, no, that it, yes. It has happened in every generation since probably tv. I'm just saying this generation Gen Z's having it more because they had it constant. We had we from the Rachel Green. Yeah, we were influenced by that stuff. But more to your point. Absolutely. We are all searching for significance because human. You've heard me say this. Human beings have two needs, two basic needs. And it's to be significant and to know that they're safe and we're going to do what we can do whether it's, hey, I'm gonna do what they, what that person's doing because they seem significant, so I'm gonna copy them or I'm gonna try to do something completely off, off book so that I'm um. We're always looking for something for significance and we want it from other people.

Speaker A: Yeah. Because we were created to be in relationship with others. So we need to have purpose. And that's I think, what ties into significance. And we hear a lot about it. It's become a buzzword. What's your purpose? Well, I think that purpose and motivations change throughout different periods of your life.

Speaker B: They do. Yeah.

Speaker A: You and I are both at a stage where a lot of our counterpoints are, um, transitioning out of raising family. Their children are adults you're still in the thick of. A lot of our friends have kids that are going into college and getting married and are launching. And the role that you play with adult children begins to shift. The roles you play as a grandparent begin to shift and it causes you to question what is my, what is my purpose here?

Speaker B: That's right.

Speaker A: Or then someone like myself who's an aunt, who's a daughter, who's a sister, is not necessarily a parent. These roles are shifting as, as well. And also how we engage to the world around us changes at these different stages in our lives. So how do we stay important and significant and have purpose? I think it all goes back to if you know who you are. Self mastery.

Speaker B: Self mastery.

Speaker A: Knowing what you bring to the table, knowing what you have to offer. It's also a great boost of confidence when you walk into a room and you know what you have to offer and that what you have to offer is something good.

Speaker B: That's a gift that is such a gift that I wish we could wrap up in a box and give to people to help them identify. Like when I have a 19 year old son who's struggling with that. And I wish that's what we could give to our children. What you wish you could give to your nieces, what we could go on college campuses and hey, we're going to wrap this up for you. And it's, it's a gift, it is a true gift that I think we were middle aged and you start to find, I think we start to find that within ourselves closer to middle age. And it's something that I wish we could give at 20, at 25. But here's the great thing about healthy hurried human. I believe with my whole heart, my whole career is based on this, that there are tools that, that help us unwrap that gift within our. To help us identify what is it that causes great emotion in us, that we, we love and we want to chase. What do we spend our time thinking about? What is it that we want to give to the world? That spending time. That is such a, um, there's a word for it I can't think of. What's the English word for it? Of spending time thinking about that. What is it that you want and you love, that brings up emotion in you that you love to think about? That if you could block out the world and you could create, uh, a masterful world the way you wanted it, with something that just ignites you. That m. Uh, I'm like, that is a worthy, worthy thing to spend time on.

Speaker A: You know, as you're saying this, I'm thinking about the key functional indicators that we're going to start talking about in later episodes. And you just, you basically talked about two of them. There's a. When. When you and I started working together a little over a year ago, and you started showing me some of these practices and things that you had, and I said to you, the one specifically about being purpose driven. Here's a little heads up. We're going to be talking about that. I looked you dead in the eye and said, I don't think I've ever thought about what my giant. What my purpose in life is.

Speaker B: That's right.

Speaker A: And you said, you have. It's there. You just, you just haven't taken the time to think about it.

Speaker B: We get so distracted by our roles. You were just talking about that. Ah. And because our roles change from the time that we're 20 or we get married or we're not married and we have. We're a daughter, we're a friend, we're. We're an employee, we're. We're a mom. Where our roles change. And I see this a lot with moms who have empty nesting. All of a sudden that role has changed and they start questioning what's my purpose? Because we confuse role and purpose a lot. But we don't want to give too much away because we're going to be talking about that.

Speaker A: Well, and that's one of the features of this podcast is to. We're. We're trying to lay down terms and an understanding and definition of the terms we're going to be using when we get into the. The KFIs, so that everybody will be kind of caught up to speed about what these mean. We talk about self mastery. We talk about, um, self awareness. We talk about significance and purpose. And a lot of times, I still remember this one movie that I just loved called Center Stage. It was about ballerinas in, um, in New York. And there was one who was struggling. And the instructor said, go back to the bar and go back to the foundation that built you. And for those who have the ballet bar. The ballet bar. Sorry, ye.

Speaker B: That's just.

Speaker A: So. For those who are big fans of, um, ballet, you understand that, like, you start with a warmup, and they're basics that you learn in your first ballet class. What position are you in? You stand in position, you do these motions and you work through them, and it goes back to center you. And I think about, that's such a significant thing. And I always say, that'll preach. You know, that is like, I could build a whole teaching episode around going back to the basics of. And the fundamentals of who you are. And it's a practice that if we're lucky enough to be raised with. With people who speak into our lives and that will call us out. I. I think of a dear friend of mine named Chad Zimmerman who looked at me 20 years ago and said, catherine, you can speak to large groups of people and not be afraid. And I didn't. I said, that's not a strength. And he goes, do you know it's like the number one fear. And I think about that when I've gotten to. When I've had the privilege of standing in front of groups of people or I work for a company filled with introverts, and somebody has to take the. And I think of his words, and he spoke that truth into me, and I. And I took that as. This is part of who I am. I'm so thankful that he did that.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: And if you're. If you're fortunate enough to have people who take the time to speak into you or call things out from you, to give you significance and to understand how you fit in the world, some. Some of those things people don't say to us, maybe. Maybe we should.

Speaker B: Listening to those things is part of. That's, uh, a. That's a practice of self mastery. Listening. Listen. People are going to speak things into you, and they mean good, but you have to be able to. To metabolize it, to filter it, to say, is this true about me? He. You knew that was true about you. You didn't argue.

Speaker A: I didn't know it was a. Ah,

Speaker B: you just know it was a, uh, strength. And so we have to be willing to listen, but we have to filter and we have to know is this true? And if that's true, maybe I've been scared of that truth, or maybe I Didn't want that to be something. Um, we're not drawn to that. But that's part of self mastery, is being able to sit with that. I love your analogy of going back to the ballerina bar for those listening. That's not the bar where ballerinas hang out, but the one they work on of going back to the basics. Because that is self. That is such a big practice of self mastery is going back to really. I take people back with my clients, I take them back to childhood in the sense of not trying to get their history. But I want to know what you. When you were playing in a room and when you were doing make believe and when you would form groups with your friends, what were some of the things that brought you great joy? And it's amazing to me because people will say, oh my gosh, I haven't thought about that for 20 years. Does it still, does it still spark something in you? Yes, it does.

Speaker A: Well, there was this whole, um, thing on Tick Tock, which I'm like, how did, did they not, uh, did they like, announce it in April? And then like, everybody knew to do this because I, I missed the memo where this past Christmas, people were giving childhood gifts back to their parents. Like they had heard the story of their mom saying, I used to have a Cindy Lou who doll and I love that doll. And it got lost. Or like my parents are. And they'll find the doll and give it to their mother or their grandmother and film the reactions or their dad of, uh, the board game that they loved. And watching the joy and the emotions that it conjures up of these, these older people getting to have what they had lost.

Speaker B: I didn't see that, but I absolutely love that because that's. It happens to us as we age. It's part of the human development where nostalgia, where we start to long for. And this is simpler times. Simpler times. That's why I think healthy, hurried human is going to be, um, so well placed. Because we as people age that their human development, they want to go back. They want simpler times. They want what brought, what brought them comfort. And we go back to those things and we wish, Gosh, I wish life would slow down. And if you're raising kids, you're like, it wasn't like this when I was a kid. And we go back to those. I wish it, it was. And the reality is we're not ever going to get there.

Speaker A: Uh, we have talked a lot about that. Thoughts can fall into two different categories.

Speaker B: That's right. Yep. Our thoughts, they do fall into two different categories, and that is, they either hold us captive or they set us free. And you. It's not as simple as going, well, I'm, um, this, this, this emotion of loneliness. Well, that's a captive emotion. It's keeping me here and I can't get out of it. And when I feel lonely, um, I have the thoughts of, like, what, Matt? What? You know, why does life even matter? I'm going to be alone for, you know, it just starts to spiral, and then it leads to emotions of sadness, and then it leads to actions which can be. I'm going to hibernate. I'm going to make it worse. I'm just going to. Nobody loves me. I'm going to stay in my room. Um, maybe I'm going to eat or I'm going to drink or I'm, you know, I'm going to binge. I'm not going to go outside and get sunshine. You know, it just, that's how it goes. And that's why we can say you're being held captive by that thought. But it's not as simple as, well, let's go to a freedom thought. I'm not lonely. That doesn't work. That's why, um, you started hearing the buzzword of, of toxic positivity. Because people are like, just be happy, Sparkles. Because it doesn't work. And it actually makes people feel worse because they don't understand, why can't I get out of it? And in order, we're going to, I think next episode we're going to talk more about. We're going to dive deeper into what do we do with captive Thoughts versus how do we move from captive thoughts into a place of freedom. There is a way that we do that, but we're going to talk about that in the next episode.

Speaker A: Great. Um, and before the next episode, if anybody gets to learn how to drive a stick shift, um, and learn what, what neutral means, going into neutral before you move on. Um, that'd be great.

Speaker B: Yeah. So anybody under 30.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: Maybe go watch a video on driving a stick shift.

Speaker A: Yeah. Well, and this plays into the healthy, hurried human. The pause. We don't know how to pause and how to rest.

Speaker B: We think, practice the pause.

Speaker A: I've got to be at full speed to be, um, if I'm at full speed in the spiral, then I need to be at full speed. Speed, dragging myself out of the spiral.

Speaker B: That's right. I, I think if for our, uh, listeners, the challenge that I have for them after this, like, what do we do with all the things that we just talked about. I would like to encourage people just to practice the pause. Practice the pause. Ask yourself if you're noticing something that you're doing. Why am I doing this? What is it that I'm trying to either cope with or avoid or. What was the other thing I said? Avoidance, coping, or disengagement? What am I trying to do? Practice the pause.

Speaker A: Why do I need that dopamine hit right now?

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: Is there a bigger reason? We're not. And we're not saying stop scrolling. We're not saying don't go snuggle with a puppy on the couch. Um, because I think that really is healing. Uh, but we're just saying just become observant. That's another key part of self mastery is to observe. You don't have to change, just observe. Write it down, take a note, but begin to practice the pause. The observation of self.

Speaker B: Yep. The one side of the coin of self mastery is observing and being self aware of what you're doing, how you're thinking, and how you're feeling. And then what's it causing me to do? The other side is self self mastery when it comes to others. But I think for this episode, it's just enough. We want you to focus on yourself and pay attention to yourself in what you're doing. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What's it causing you to do? Practice the pause.

Speaker A: Practice the pause. Thanks for listening.

Speaker B: The Healthy Hurried Human podcast is presented by foxygen Consulting. At foxygen, we provide business and performance psychology and consulting. We believe healthier people make a healthier workplace. Foxygen Consulting. Breathing new life into your organization.

Speaker A: SA.