140 - How to stop comparing yourself to others

Speaker A: Welcome to the Smash your own Ceiling podcast, helping you to up level your thinking, elevate your success and create the life you really want. I'm your host, Barbara Nixon, and your next level leadership journey starts here. Hey, it's Barbara. How are you doing? Hope you're having a fantastic week and everything's good at your end. Now, what have I been up to? What can I tell you? I was really pleased with myself yesterday because I actually went out for a run and this is something that I have been talking myself out of for a while and I'm in training for the Great North Run again this year and I haven't really started properly. I've had a few false starts, I have to say. Um, and yesterday I went out and ran five miles and felt very smug, very pleased with myself at the end of it and actually really enjoyed it. Enjoyed it. Just goes to show the hardest part of doing a lot of things is just getting started. It's just doing things, as in doing the first step. And the hardest part for me yesterday by far was putting my trainers on and getting out of the door. And I think if once you do it fast and do it at lightning speed, you know, once you're at the door, you're done, right? You're off, you're running, um, and you're doing your thing. And I think that's just a life lesson across the board, isn't it? Anyway, what I want to talk to you about today isn't about me going running. It's actually about a topic that pops up every once in a while in, um, my world, in my workshops, in my events and programs, and in one to one. And, um, that is when you compare yourself to other people. So that's what I want to talk to you about today, is how to stop comparing yourself to other people now. Now, if you have been in this situation or maybe this is something that you're, you're going through at the minute, I do want you to know that you are not alone. So it's so common. So, so common. Um, and just as with most things, right, just knowing that, that it's a thing, that it happens to most of us at one point or another actually helps a lot. Let's break it down then. So what do I mean when, when I say we're talking about comparing yourself, so it may be that you see somebody, maybe one of your peers on social media, maybe they're on LinkedIn or any other social media platform and they are just living their best life, maybe they're getting Opportunities that you wish you had. Maybe they, everything seems to be going well for them. Maybe they're doing the things that you think, oh, I wish I was doing that. And it can feel a lot. It can feel quite triggering. And if you really, when you're comparing yourself to them, it can feel like they've got it all together, they've got their life sorted, everything's going great. And by the same token, what does that mean? It means that you might not be, you know, that you're telling yourself that things aren't as good as them and as good for you as there is for them. And so it can feel, it can feel a lot. You can get all the feelings, can't you can feel very triggering. It can start you in a bit of a downward spiral in terms of they're doing great. What's the point? What's the point in me trying? Because everything's going well for them and it can, it can really feel a lot. Or maybe you're, you find yourself doing that at work, maybe your peers at work are, ah, triggering you in some way in terms of, because you're comparing yourself to them. So it might be that you feel as though they've got more qualifications than you or they've got qualifications at better universities. I say better, I'm using like bunny quotes there at different universities. Um, or maybe they've got, you feel as though they've got more experience or they've been at the business longer or they seem to just get all the best opportunities. And again, as a result it can, it can really make you feel like you're not good enough. But the thing is that just because we're thinking it, and you might have heard me saying this before, certainly on, on this podcast, just because you're thinking it doesn't mean to say it's true. It's just a thought. And these are just stories that we're telling and that's really important for us to realize that it's just a story that we're telling ourselves. It doesn't mean to say it's true. It doesn't mean say it's true. And so as a result we can challenge that. We can challenge that. I remember especially on social media, right? You just, we, we only post usually or uh, we, we prefer to post the good stuff. So it might be that they're just posting the good stuff. We never know what's going on behind closed doors. And I've seen that so often over the years that we might think somebody's got it all together and everything's doing great. And then you might get talking to them. And, um, they've got their own challenges and they've got things going on. You know, seriously, you really don't know what's going on behind closed doors. So we, just because they're showcasing their best life doesn't mean to say that it's really like that. So that, again, is a challenge. It's a challenge for our thought. It's a way for us to challenge our thought process. Also. It's. It's important for us to know that, that when we put somebody else on a, uh, pedestal, if you like, by just by doing that, we're also putting ourselves down. We're putting us, you know, we're going to be lower down because they're, they're further, uh, up on this pedestal. And one of the things that I find that really works for, for just reframing that, and I had this conversation with a few people and they said that actually this, this reframe really, really does work, is instead of visualizing somebody as higher up or on a pedestal or better than you, try and visualize them on a different hill. So if you imagine yourself on a hill, it's a great hill where I, I love to walk. And there's. You can. Once you're on this hill, you can obviously see a great valley in front of you, and you can see a view. Now over the other side of this valley is another hill. So imagine them to be on a different hill. It doesn't mean to say they're better than you. It doesn't mean, say you're better than them. You're just on different hills. Right? You. But, but the, the. Both hills bring something to the view. Both hills bring something to the party. And you need both hills in order to create something amazing. And when you start thinking like that, when you start thinking right, oh, uh, you know, somebody's better just think. Actually, no, they're just living their life. They're just doing their thing, just like you are. You're just doing your thing. And they're just on a different hill. They're just on a different hill. The other thing to be aware of is that you don't know what they're thinking or what other people are thinking about you. I've, uh, seen this play out in real life as well, where you think actually you're comparing yourself to somebody and then they come up to you and go, actually, you know, you look as though everything's got. You've got it all together. And everything's great. And, you know, you look like you're living your best life and you think, oh, my God. Wow. I was doing that to you. I was thinking that about you. All of our thoughts are all just stories that we're telling ourselves. So, um, pressing the pause button and having the. When you're in the moment. When you're in the moment of comparing yourself and just thinking, that's totally cool. That's totally cool that they're doing their thing. My turn will come. Or I can bring my. I bring my own strength to the party. I'm here for a reason. Especially if you're in a meeting, right? Especially if you're in a meeting and you feel as though the other people in the meeting are better than you. They're just different people, different humans all living their own life. And the fact that you are in that meeting, the fact that you are doing that thing is the message that you're actually in the right place. Because you don't go to a meeting just to fill up the space. Yeah. You don't. You're not going in there just to keep the seat warm or to make the numbers. You're in there for a reason. You're in there because your voice is valid. You're in there because your opinions matter. You're in there because you people, your. Your opinions actually are required and needed for. For whatever it is that you're talking about. So the fact that you are in the room, the fact that you are in that business, the fact that you're in that company, it tells you that you're. You're worthwhile. Yeah. You. Your opinion and your talents and your strengths are all there. Uh, and that you have them, that you are also contributing. You are adding value. And these are things that we really need to be telling ourselves, you know, just reminding ourselves. And one of the best ways to do that is just to keep a log, keep a journal. Um, I. And again, you'll have heard me talk about this on the. The podcast, but I keep something called a celebration journal at the side of my bed. And every single day, I just write three things, three things that have gone well that day. And you can write your three things of. Actually, this is what I bring to the party. This is how I've contributed today. This is how I've had added value today. This is what I've done that's actually great today. This is what I've. How I've shown up today. And all of these, again, it's strength spotting. It's uh, enabling you to cement positive thoughts about yourself, positive reminders that you are actually doing a great job. You're actually doing a great job. The other thing to, um, just think about is, especially if you're seeing somebody maybe on social media, and they're doing that, you feel as though they're doing things that you love, then use that as inspiration. Use it as inspiration. Think, actually, they're doing that. I'm going to write that down. I'm going to do that, too. I'm going to go after that. I'm going to start heading in that direction too, because it's filling me with inspiration, it's motivating me so you can use it as inspiration. And also, what would it be like if you actually reached out to that person? Say, hey, I see you doing this thing. That's fantastic. Can you give me some tips? Can you share with me how you did it? I remember asking somebody at, uh, a party, um, a few years back, actually, I really wanted to, um, do hospital radio many years ago, and I bumped into somebody at a party and they saw I, I do hospital radio, and I just asked them, I says, how did you do it? What tips can you give me? And they actually introduced me to somebody, and I ended up, you know, with my own show about, I don't know, a month later. So what would it be like if you actually reached out to that person? Said, I've seen you doing amazing things. Can we have a coffee? Can I buy your lunch? Can I, uh, can you tell me what you're doing that's, that's actually working for you right now? And chances are, you never know, you, you know, they might just share with you all the good stuff that they're doing and help you out on your way, too. So, so often we block having these amazing conversations and reaching out to people because we feel as though they're not gonna, they're gonna say no or they're gonna, you know, they're gonna reject us. Chances are that they, I mean, they might say yes. Who's to say, right? If you don't ask, you're not gonna get. So. But we block those conversations because we're also feeling like we're comparing ourselves and we don't want to be in their space. We don't want to be close to them because we find them triggering. But actually, they might be a really good, A, uh, really good person to have to. To learn from, for you to learn from. The final thing that I just want to mention is write down what other people might Compare how other people might compare themselves to you. And this is another nice reframe as well, because it just switches things on its head off when we're in that comparing space. So often we're so focused on us being less than and other people doing better than us or do it or other people being better than us. But what would it be like if you just grabbed a notebook and pen and wrote down all the ways that somebody might think that you're better? Yeah. What if somebody else, somewhere in the world, and you don't know who they are, might be looking at you and going, you know what? They're doing? Amazing. I, uh, God, I wish I was doing as well as them. And just write down all the ways that they might be thinking that about you. And again, that just. It just takes the edge off the feeling of comparing yourself as well. So these are the tips that then. Tip number one is challenge your own thinking. Just because you're thinking it doesn't mean, say, it's true. So often the other people is just showcasing their. Their. The best life. Yeah, they're show they're showcasing the best version of themselves. And why not? Right? And, um, number two, we can use it as inspiration and potentially reach out to that person and say, what are you doing? How are you doing it? Can you share some. Some of your wisdom over here, please? You start to remember that because you're in that meeting, because you're in that company, you are adding value. You are bringing your own strengths to the table. You are contributing and doing, you know, your contribution is just as much valid. And you wouldn't be in that meeting, you wouldn't be in that business if you weren't doing something amazing. There are no spare seats. Right. You are not keeping the seat warm. You are not there just to make up the numbers. You're doing a great. You're doing great work. And you also don't know what other people are thinking about you in terms of how amazing you are. The next tip is to. Instead of seeing somebody as better than you see them on a different hill, you know, they're just doing their thing over there on their hill. And that's cool. Um, and finally, you can write down all the ways that somebody else might look at you and go, actually, you're doing great. Yeah. Look at all the things that. All the amazing things that you're doing right now. Um, make a note of it, because so often we can forget in the moment. Think about all the experience that you've got, all the fantastic things that you've done all the qualifications that you've got, you've got all the things that you bring to the party, write it down, remember that and share it once in a while. Share it on social media. Share it with your peers. Share it, you know. Okay. I hope that helps. Let me know your thoughts. And if you feel as though this episode would benefit somebody in your network, feel free to share all. Uh, right, I'll see you next week. Thank you. Thanks for listening to the Smash youh Own Ceiling podcast. If you're ready for more, go to barbaranixon.co.uk See you soon.