The Art of Not Carrying It All, Part 1 | Future Fear, Negativity Bias, and the Practice of "What Is Also True"

Speaker A: This episode is brought to you by Staying Steady. This is a free one hour course I created with Dr. Maria Serois for people who are trying to lead, care for others, and show up bravely. Especially when you don't have all the answers yet. So if the world or your world is feeling loud, uncertain, or even heavy right now, this is a grounded, practical place to give you the clarity, the steadiness and tools you can actually put to use right away. There is nothing for sale inside this program, just thoughtful, practical support for difficult times that you won't find anywhere else. And for a limited time you can access it entirely for free@cearlyfane.com or click the link in the show notes of this episode. I look forward to being steady with you. I found myself thinking Isn't it interesting how difficult it can be to enjoy the view when we're always scanning the horizon for the next storm? Welcome to Messy and Magnificent, the place where high achievers with big hearts and broad vision come to root and rise one doable strategy at a time. I am your host, Carly Fain. Let's dive in. A few weeks ago, I was sitting with a client I've worked with for years, and when we first started working together, he had this list. Not a vision board or this vague aspiration. He had a very specific, real list. He knew that in addition to growing his company that he also wanted to move to a new city. He wanted to have a more meaningful sense of community, both professionally and personally. He knew that it was time to hire staff so that everything didn't depend on him. He wanted time and space for a new romantic relationship. And then, of course, some very specific revenue goals. And underneath all of this was the sense that he would know that he was successful if he was able to create a life that actually felt like his. And over the years we've been working together one by one. He has reached every goal he set. In fact, he's done more than that. The revenue exceeded expectations, his team is bigger than he thought it would be, he found the right city to become his home. His community is real, he's got this wonderful partner, and many of the things that lived in the category of someday have moved into the category of his actual life. And yet here we were in this conversation a couple weeks ago, planning for next year. So 2027, and we're talking about market uncertainty, economic changes, future possibilities, potential challenges. And at one point I found myself thinking, isn't it interesting how difficult it can be to enjoy the view when we're always scanning horizon for the next storm because there was no big crisis in this moment. There's no emergency, there's no giant active problem, just the normal day to day challenges. But there's always the possibility that something difficult might happen someday. And I see this all the time, not just in business owners, in leaders, but also in parents and partners, humans. We finally arrive somewhere the place we once dreamed about. But instead of arriving, like my client, we start worrying about losing it. My client would use the phrase, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. There's so much good right here. But it's really hard for me to enjoy it because I'm always concerned that it might go away. So welcome back to Messy and Magnificent. It is your gal, Carly. I am just delighted that we're circling up again. If you've been with me for years, if you've been with me for two weeks, or if this is your first time ever, I'm so glad that you're here. And uh, today we're kicking off this really short two part series called the Art of Not Carrying It All. And this series is about a couple things I'm noticing with clients lately. One is that they're carrying things early. Future problems, future conversations, potential future disappointments. It's the amount of uncertainty in the world that can make us feel like we always need to be on guard for the next disaster. And while preparation is wise, there's a, ah, difference between thoughtfully preparing and carrying something before it's time. And if we are carrying a burden that is not real, um, before it exists, that can come to us at a great cost. And so today we're going to be talking about some of these future concerns that we might be caring about and why so many successful people struggle to enjoy the good that is already here. We're going to talk specifically about why fear can narrow our perspective. While that's very normal, why many of us are paying emotional interest on debts that ah, we don't owe yet because they haven't happened. And then of course we'll get pragmatic. We're going to talk about one simple practice that can help us stop suffering possibilities twice, as in suffering things before they happen, because they may never happen at all. And before we jump in, this is the part where I get to pause and do my favorite thing, which is give a listener shout out. Today's shout out is out to Sarah from New York City. Sarah, I appreciate you so much for so many reasons. Sarah recently clicked that text Carly button, which is right here in the show notes. And she wrote, quote, hi, Carly, thank you for this episode. I related so much. I've been so burnt out on my business, with every decision landing on me. This inspires me to give myself some grace and take my foot off the gas a little. Thank you, Sarah. I just want to say that gratitude is so mutual. First, I appreciate you taking the time to write. If you're listening right now and you haven't clicked the text Carly button before, please do send me a message. I want to hear what you're thinking. Second, Sarah, I think what you're naming here and what we're talking about today are really close cousins. This idea of you taking your foot off the gas, it is not the same as giving up. Sometimes that's how we finally notice we've arrived somewhere or with something worth enjoying. It's really hard to enjoy the moment when our foot is on the gas and we're speeding by it all. So thank you for tuning in and for being part of this community and bringing your reflection forward. Keep me posted on what unfolds. I'm sure we'd all love to hear. What do you notice when your foot is a couple degrees off the gas? What comes up? What good might be available to you right here? So let's dive in. Because one of the biggest surprises that I encounter in my work is that success does not automatically create contentment. I want to say that again. External success does not automatically create contentment. Many of us have this myth in us somewhere. We believe that when I get there, then I'll relax, right? Or when I fit in the certain size jeans, then I'll feel good about my body, or when I hit the revenue goal, when I hire the right team, when I get that ideal house or I get married or I leave this person, that's when I'll finally feel secure. That's when I'll enjoy myself. But what often happens instead is that we achieve the thing, and our attention, um, is immediately moving into protecting it or improving it or planning for the next challenge. It's like the line at the end of the race is always being moved a little farther out. So even if we arrived at our first goal, we're looking to the horizon because the line for the finish line has already shifted within us. And the nervous system that helped us build the life that we were working towards it, it doesn't necessarily get the memo that some of that building is complete and that a different way of relating to reality might be appropriate. Now because we're in a different phase, we have the thing we say we wanted. For example, we have an hour to ourself with a little peace and quiet. And so all of the work that went into claiming that hour is a different type of energy than what's needed to actually enjoy that hour. And the fact that the work or the mindset or the nervous system effort that's required to get something is different from what might be required to enjoy it, that's not a character flaw. If you notice that. If this is relatable to you, it's biology. There's such extensive research on this, so I'll give you one piece. Just know there's a link to any research or quote I mention right. In the show notes, so you can learn more. But neuropsychologist Rick Hanson has written extensively about what we call negativity bias. You might know this in simple terms, it's that our brains are naturally more sensitive to potential threats than they are to positive experiences. He often describes the brain as being Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for the positive ones, meaning negative stuff stick, even if they're just negative possibilities, they're not even reality yet. Whereas positive realities might slide right on past us. Right. It's difficult for us to see it. And this is incredibly useful when we or our ancestors need this for survival moments. Right? So you touch a fire, once you learn that it burns in the future, every time you see a fire, you're slightly more alert to the fact that fire can be helpful and fire can be dangerous. But this mechanism within us, this negativity bias, is a whole lot less useful when we're trying to enjoy a, uh, Tuesday afternoon, that one hour you finally carved out for yourself, or it's time to acknowledge a successful quarter or appreciate an aspect of the life that you have spent years creating is here now. And if we're not careful, our brains become exceptionally good at finding what might go wrong next and surprisingly atrophied at, ah, registering what's already going wrong. Right. And so if this is relatable for you or you see this in other people, one of the things that I notice in clients is that when they're worried, and I see this in myself too, our field of vision, it gets smaller. And I want to give awareness here that the concern we have may be valid. Right? So, for example, my client story that I was just sharing earlier, he's noticed that there's been a real decline in the amount of people seeking out the types of services that he provides in his country. And so the concern that there may be a decline in his industry is valid, right? The challenge is real. But it's too easy for that to slowly become the only thing that he can see, or the only thing that you and I can see is this challenge. Yes, the economy might change, a client might leave, a market might shift. Something we try might fail. And suddenly the possibility of the thing not working out becomes the entire landscape that we're able to see. And when that happens, our perspective has narrowed. And when perspective narrows, our creativity narrows and our sense of options narrow, we feel like there's less available to us. And of course, when we feel like there's less available to us, it makes sense that joy or humor or play feels less accessible. It's harder for us to tap into what allows us to experience the goodness in the moment. And that irony is that this type of fearful overthinking doesn't actually make us better prepared. I want to say that again. Fearful over preparing does not make us better prepared. There's no data that supports that. The more we panic, the more prepared we're going to be if that difficult thing comes to pass. Fearful overthinking does absolutely make us more exhausted, though. It makes us less able to rise to the occasion if there's an occasion that we have to muster some extra resources for. And so I think about it like this. A lot of us in our own head are paying emotional interest on debts that we do not yet owe. Uh, we may never owe. Uh, another way of saying that is you do not have to suffer the possibility of something being difficult, uh, twice at most. You've got to deal with it once, but you don't have to suffer through it twice. And if a difficult thing happens one day, someday, you will deal with it then. You may prepare for it a little bit now, but you will handle it. And you know, how I can say that confidently is because you could take out a piece of paper right now and fill out off the top of your head all of the difficult things, curveballs, challenges seen or unforeseen, that you have already navigated. Right. Now think of one. I think of when I broke my foot a couple years ago. Didn't see that coming. You figure it out. I think of times where I launched a program and nobody signed up. You figure it out, right? These are small examples. Sometimes it's much bigger things we find our way through. All evidence indicates that you have already dealt with big and small difficult things, and yet you have always found your way through. So we don't need to over Prepare or obsess on things that haven't come to pass yet. So here's the simple practice that I use when I find my mind going to that dark place, right. When it's going to the endless hole of all the things that can go wrong. I often share this with my clients. This comes to me from the field of mindfulness. Right. And learning how to be present. If you notice yourself getting pulled into future worries at a time when you don't need to be worried about them, right now, you've already come up with a plan or you're willing to set aside some time to come up with a plan. So, uh, for example, my client has already set some time, time aside next month to consider, okay, what could be additional revenue streams if this one revenue stream dries up next year. Great. So that's covered. Then we ask the question, what is true right now? What is true right now? Sure, I hear all these potential fears about what could happen next, and I will address the ones that have some reality to them or potential reality to them. But what is true right now? Not what could happen, not what might happen, not what am I afraid might happen, what is true right now. Or if we hear the fearful thought, so, for example, what am I going to do if this main revenue stream dries up? Then we add onto it. Okay. What is also true? This revenue stream might dry up. What is also true? What is also true is I'm going to set some time in my calendar to look at potential other revenue streams for next year. So I've got a backup plan. Right. What also might be true is then I'm going to go have some lunch and enjoy my afternoon. Or then I'm going to go for a walk. Or, gosh, the sunset is gorgeous. I'm going to let myself enjoy that. Another example might be, yeah, there's going to be an economic change and my business is healthy today, or a client might leave. Sure. And I have wonderful other clients. Or I've gotten good clients before I know how to get them again. Or, yeah, maybe this current relationship that I'm in that I love may not last forever. And what is also true is I, um, am loved today. Right. And that I will continue to make choices that care for myself no matter what might come my way. So, yes, the difficult thing may happen. This isn't about bypassing potential challenges. But what is also true is that many good things are happening simultaneously. And I know this to be one of the most important leadership skills we can develop, not ignoring what's difficult or what matters, but remembering that other things will always simultaneously matter too. Yes, I've got to deal with this one client issue and I'm still going to get to eat lunch today. Both of those things can be true at the same time because there will always be another goal. Forecast, change. Possibilities unfold. We live in a time where uncertainty is recognizable for all of us. This is part of being alive right now in the human experience. You are navigating uncertainty and every other human on the planet is navigating uncertainty, too. This is part of being and alive right now in this moment. And so the question is, what is true right now? Or what good is also true? And can I let today's goodness count before tomorrow arrives? Can I let myself appreciate the life I am building while I'm still building it? Can I enjoy the sunshine without spending the entire afternoon preparing for the rain? How might I hold both of these true at the same time? Because mature leadership, it isn't about pretending that uncertainty doesn't exist. It's about preserving perspective in the presence of uncertainty. So we might hold simultaneously the fact that we can be messy and we can be magnificent at the same time. We can hold both concern and hope in the same breath. Challenge and joy exist for many of us in the same day. And there can be both a little preparation and some time for being present with what is good all in one afternoon, or both at the same time. So I want to hear from you if there is one word, one phrase, one idea that bubbles up as a result of this conversation around freeing yourself from. From future burdens that do not exist yet and claiming your broader perspective of, yes, what is challenging and what is good. Write that in the text Carly function that you can find right here in the show notes. Or take that phrase over to itunes and leave a review that really helps me and other people see the show so that I can keep talking about what's most relevant for you. And then next week in part two of this series, we're going to talk about the other thing that I see people dreading on a regular basis, which is difficult conversation. It's not always the world events. It's the people that live right next door, either literally or metaphorically, that can bring a lot of stress into our lives. And so we're going to talk about why some conversations need courage. But what to do if you're feeling like the dread is bigger than any other part of that conversation. Right. How to tend to what feels sticky and tricky when you need to talk to others without feeling like it dominates your headspace for the day, the week, the month, or longer. So until then, remember, you thrive through nourishment, not punishment. Keep tending to what you value, including the parts of your life that are already good, and I will see you again very soon. I am so thankful that you are part of this messy and certainly magnificent community. Each episode here is only the beginning of our lifelong conversation together. Head on over to carlyfane.com for the full show notes from this episode and some extra special resources for higher achievers that you won't find anywhere else.