Setting Boundaries with Confidence at Work to Avoid Burnout

S3 Ep 3 - [Bold Move 4 Protect Boundaries] (audio) Hi, welcome back to Making Bold Moves. This is Liz, and if you're listening to this on your commute today, maybe you're out for a quick walk between meetings or catching five minutes while you're sorting the tea, then thanks so much for letting me tag along. These episodes are designed to fit into your day and not to add something else to your to-do list. Today we're on Bold Move number 4, which is all about protecting your boundaries without feeling selfish.

Now, this is something that I've been working on for a number of years now, and today what I want to share with you is how to make it strategic, not selfish. So before you switch off thinking, oh, this is all about saying no more often or becoming less helpful, just stick with me a moment, will you? Because really, it's less about boundaries and it's more about the way people think. So, as I said, I have got this wrong plenty of times myself in the past.

I've been the person who thought... you know what, if I just help a little bit more, if I just make myself available, if I just say yes this once... and before I've realized it, I was tired, worn out, a little bit, resentful - if I'm honest - and quietly irritated with the people who really hadn't done anything wrong. They were just responding to what I had allowed them to do and how I'd allowed them to treat me.

So this is the reframe then for you here, here's what's really going on; most boundary issues aren't caused by people demanding our time or demanding our attention. They're caused by us not realizing how much we're actually absorbing. And this shows up a lot in this Stage 2 of this roadmap for bold leaders. When responsibility increases for you and you've said all the right things and you know, asked for what you wanted and you've got more responsibility and people start relying on you more, then boundaries are gonna be really, really important.

So let me tell you about a client that I worked with who, when we started working together, one of the things that she said that was key was, I feel like everyone needs something from me all the time. She was in a senior position; well-respected, really good at her job. And the problem wasn't workload, it was access. People put things in her diary, pulled her into meetings - just in case - sent her questions over Teams that they could have worked out for themselves, but they're just running it by her.

And when I asked her, where are your boundaries at... she paused and said, do you know what Liz? I don't think I've ever actually set any. So, we said, right, okay, let's try something small.

Next time, instead of responding instantly, let's try this. So when someone said to her, you know, "oh, can you do this for me" or "can you help me with this?", She responded by saying, "I can look at this tomorrow afternoon, will that work?" Nothing big, nothing like overly dramatic and definitely not confrontational or reacting in aggressive or defensive way, simply setting boundaries.

And you know what happened? People adapted. People were like, yeah, that's fine. The world didn't fall apart.

And she stopped carrying that emotional weight of everyone else's urgency and feeling like she had to do it for other people. But that is us reacting to their boundaries, not ours. And it wasn't about becoming selfish. It was about becoming strategic.

So I've had to learn this too, the hard way; and there was a point where I was replying to messages soon as they came in - evenings, weekends. You know, I'd reply to emails whenever. And I told myself that I was giving great service. I was being supportive.

But what I was actually doing was training people to expect instant access to me, instant replies. And the moment that I changed the way that I responded in a more slower, clearer, more intentional way... something changed - not in them, but in me. I felt calmer.

I felt less on edge. I felt more in control of my energy. And this is the key thing that I want to share with you and that I want you to really remember for yourself that boundaries are not about pushing people away. They're about protecting your capacity to lead well.

And people look up to you. You know, when you've got strong boundaries, they will look up to you. And that respect that you want people to show you, you're gonna get that more when you keep your boundaries firm. So how do you do that then, without feeling awkward?

Just a quick one. It is gonna feel uncomfortable at first. I'm gonna be honest with you because I felt exactly the same. So anyway, here's three ways that you can start putting this into practice.

So number one, first of all, name your availability. Instead of saying, I'll get back to you and, you know, trying to get back to people straight away... do what my client did. Say, "I can look at this tomorrow afternoon", or...

I don't have the capacity this week, can it wait until next Tuesday? You know, be really specific with them. So that single sentence sets an expectation and those expectations prevent resentment from you about having to do something for them, which you know, might mean that you spend longer at work, you get home later, other things get pushed, or you have to do them quicker... all because you said yes to somebody instead of actually saying, "Look you know, I can't do that right now."

Secondly, then, slow down your response. Slow down the way that you respond to people. If someone asks you for help, you don't have to answer immediately. So try this...

“let me check my calendar and I'll get back to you”, or “let me have a look at what I've got on today and see if I can fit that in”. That pause gives you some space to decide, instead of reacting and saying yes to something which you then might have to say no to later, and feel like you are letting people down; and that pressure starts to build on you then and starts spiraling.... so instead, it's better to say upfront, " let me check and I'll get back to you." So pause, slow down before you respond.

Number three, redirect instead of rescuing. So when somebody in your team brings you a problem, ask them first... what have you tried so far? So, that's not about you being unhelpful, it's you building their capability instead of absorbing their stress.

And I learned this years ago actually from a lady that was on a course with me and she said this was something that she implemented. Every time someone came to her door and asked for their help, she would always say, "What have you tried so far?" And over time, what happened was when she asked them that question, they would tell her what they've tried or, "Well, this is what I'm thinking." And she would say to them, " I trust you...

if that's what you think, then go away and do it." And what happened was over time, they stopped coming to her. They stopped needing to check with her. They trusted their own judgment, and they didn't feel the need to go and ask her for help.

She helped them to take ownership and to build their confidence as well. They felt more empowered. They were more engaged with the business, with her as a leader as well. They really respected her.

They trusted her. It made a massive, massive difference. So, definitely, if that's not something you do already, I would recommend doing that when people come to you for help. Because let's be honest, as a leader, a lot of our time is taken up by other people needing us, right?

It's not taken up that much with our work, it's doing work or helping other people. So let's pause for a second and think about this. Why are people treating your time and energy as endlessly available? Because you've never said otherwise.

What are you responding to out of habit, not intention? And third question for you to think about is, what would change if you protected your boundaries just a little bit more clearly? So as I said earlier, I know this isn't gonna be easy to make this change; it never is. And yeah, it's gonna feel uncomfortable and you're probably gonna want to jump in and rescue people at first, but don't worry, you won't be seen as difficult, you won't be seen as less helpful, and you won't be seen as less committed either.

In my experience, most people don't react badly to boundaries. They react badly to confusion. And what actually makes working relationships easier is clarity. I'm gonna share another example with you.

Another leader that I worked with started setting one simple boundary, no last-minute meetings unless they were genuinely urgent. So, you know, there's things where people just say, "Oh, we need you for this meeting", or "Something's come up, can you spare half an hour?" Or, "Can you spare an hour at 11:00?" And you don't wanna say no.

And this lady that I was working with, she felt guilty at first. So she wanted to say yes to last-minute meetings, but in her head, the boundary she set was, I don't do last-minute meetings. So within weeks, meetings were better planned, decisions were sharper, and her energy at the end of the day was so much higher. Nothing else changed, just the boundary.

So here's your challenge this week. Set one small boundary. It could be delaying a response, instead of replying instantly. Being clear about when you'll come back to someone or saying, "I can't take this on right now."

Small, specific and intentional, and that's what I mean by strategy. So let's recap then. Boundary issues are rarely about other people. Clarity prevents resentment.

Small changes make a big difference; and protecting your energy, protects you as a leader. So that's Bold Move number four, protect your boundaries. If you want the full Bold Moves Roadmap, you can find it on our website, BoldMovesCoach.co.

uk. And if you know someone who is brilliant but quietly carrying too much, please share this episode with them. It could be exactly what they need to hear right now. I'll see you next time when we'll talk about another big one in Stage 2, stopping yourself from taking on too much and why that's harder than it sounds.

I'll see you then. Bye-bye.