53 What to do when you're the only woman in the room

Welcome to Joyfully Unstoppable, the podcast for women who are ready to succeed without the stress. Whether you're leading a team, a classroom, a boardroom, or your own big, beautiful life, I am so glad you found us. I'm your host, Becky Hamm, leadership coach, speaker, and founder of Women Lead Well. Join me each week for straight talk, practical tips, and a dash of encouragement.

Hello, friend. I hope you are having a great day. Here's a fun little statistic that I like to share. Women make up nearly half of all entry-level positions in the United States, 49%, so I mean nearly half.

They hold 42% of management positions, so that's not parity. It's not reflective of the population as a whole, but it's pretty close, and it certainly Things have been better since the '80s and '90s, but women hold only 35% of VP positions and 29% of C-suite roles. And I'm getting this data every year. LinkedIn and McKinsey, that big consulting company, publish a report, Women in the Workplace, and so this data is coming from them.

And so it, it leaves me, as a woman who has held a VP role for six years, to say, "WTF, MF-ers? What?" I have some feelings about these statistics. Before we get too deep into it, though, I do wanna share a bright spot, and that is that the highest performing companies out there, so the top quartile, so the top 25%, top performing companies, they have more women in their leadership roles, averaging 57% of managers, 49% of VPs, so nearly half, and 38% of their C-suite positions are held by women.

Amazing, right? Yes, except that also, Women make up 63% of all entry-level positions in top performing firms. So if you think of that attrition, it's remarkable, right? From 63% of all entry-level positions to 38% of the C-suite roles, and it's even more pronounced if you think about it in reverse, that men at top performing companies make up only 37% of entry-level positions but comprise 62% of all of the C-suite roles.

WTF, MFers? What? And look, I try to be very practical on the Joyfully Unstoppable podcast. This episode is not about systemic misogyny, and it is not about changing those systems and institutions that support systemic misogyny.

That is important work and that is good work, but I feel more productive working on things that I can change, that I have control of, and where I can see the progress that I am making. And so this podcast is focused more on the individual action of you and your individual career. The systemic work is important, and I support the women and the men who are doing that work, but that is not this podcast. So what we are gonna do today is focus on those women who are in that VP and those C-suite level roles, and talk about what it takes to lead effectively at that level when you probably feel pretty isolated because you don't have a lot of other women as your peers.

It is lonely at the top, and you've heard me talk about this before. This is a fundamental reason why I launched the Women's Executive Leadership Lab, is that I wanted to give senior women a place where they could come together in community to focus on their professional growth. And as someone who has spent 15 years in a heavily male-dominated industry, including six of those at the VP level, I know that isolation firsthand. I know the tax of being a woman in a senior position.

And so, hey, today that is what we're gonna talk about. What do you do when you're the only woman in the room? And I wanna break this into two pieces. The first is, how do you hold your own, r- especially if you're not being respected by your male counterparts?

Because unfortunately, in 2026 that still happens. The second is, how do you build a strong support system if you are feeling isolated, if you are the only woman in the room, or the only female VP? Particularly if you're in a heavily male-dominated industry where the numbers might be even smaller than what McKinsey and LinkedIn are reporting. So how do you build a support system to, to give you the support that you deserve.

And so, but let's start with how do you hold your own? I've got a few things that I wanna share, and they're annoying, and I acknowledge. Let me acknowledge from the outset how annoying this episode is going to be. But it is what it is.

If you wanna play at this level, these are the rules as they exist today. May we do our best to change them. But thing number one is you just gotta be twice as good. I know.

I'm sorry. This is just the reality. Should the reality be different? Yes, absolutely.

But until society changes, it is what it is, right? Luckily, I have a hunch that you don't find excellence to be particularly challenging. I bet you can be twice as good. What does it mean to be twice as good?

Like concretely, "So Becky, okay, great. That's a platitude. I hear it all the time, but what, what am I supposed to be doing?" Well, I mean, it means preparing before you walk in the door, having your data locked on, having it analyzed and analyzed effectively, knowing it cold, being able to answer all the questions that somebody might ask.

I was DM'ing, um, with Barda Szpuza. I hope I'm saying your name correctly, Barda. She's the director of strategic communications at the Marshall Center in Germany, and she mentioned that her approach to this is to show up as a problem solver, that she's not trying to prove that she's an effective leader. She's not trying to justify her place in the room.

She just knows that any time you walk into one of those rooms, you're there to solve a problem. If you're at the VP, the C-suite level, it's not hand-holding and, and glad-handing. Like, you are there because there's an issue, and at your level, your minds collectively need to weigh in on that issue. And so she shows up as a problem solver.

She shows up prepared, consistent, professional in every interaction, and she's able to do her job and accomplish her priorities. And she said in our conversation, "Look, like, I'm not approaching the bias head-on," either the gendered bias or the age bias, because a lot of women in these VP, or C-suite roles, are not in their 30s. Some are, and good for you, but a lot of them are a little bit older, and that age discrimination is another layer to all of this. And she says she doesn't try to tackle that head on.

She just shows up being the awesome woman that she is, focused on solving the problems, not justifying her existence. It's not about her. It's about what she can provide and deliver, and doing that consistently and professionally over time, and that has been effective for her. And I would concur.

I think that is a great approach to take. And so the next thing that I would say, I wanna drill down into this idea of being professional in every interaction Because Here's what that is not. That's not being a wallflower, right? You're in the room, but, but nobody knows what your voice sounds like 'cause you never speak.

That's not being obsequious, just agreeing with everything. Because if you're agreeable, maybe they'll, they'll think you belong there. Being professional means making yourself heard. You're in that room for a reason.

Lean into that reason. You show up professionally by focusing, and hear this, and if you're new to a senior level role, hear this, 'cause I mean, 100% this is the most important thing. You focus on the items of strategic importance for the conversation, and you add value and clarity on those topics. You do not show up like the action officer.

You wanna know all of your data, all of the details. You wanna be able to drill down if somebody asks you, but that is not what you share with the group. What you share with the group is the strategic level items. What's gonna move the needle at the executive level?

You let the operations level handle the operations. The execution people handle the execution. You focus on the big metrics, the big rocks, the big movers, and you provide the value and clarity on those topics. But you do it.

You don't just sit there and listen. You don't just keep your big ideas to yourself. You prepare those big ideas ahead of time, and you show up, and you share them. And if you notice that people tend to dismiss you or talk over you, then you wanna come up with a script for what to do in that situation.

And I mean, I would really pre-game it. And so y- There are a couple of things that I would share on this one. And you know th- And again, this is why it's so annoying. I'm telling you stuff that you know, but I'm telling you.

You wanna avoid the phrases like, "Does that make sense?" And I do this all the time. I am offender number one for this. But avoid that, communicating that you are subservient to them, and you are seeking their approval.

"Does that make sense?" Or, "Do you understand?" All of that is that you are seeking their approval and validation for your ideas. No, ma'am.

No, ma'am. Say something like, "I'm happy to answer any questions," or, "Let me know if I can provide additional clarity for you or additional details." Right? You wanna say, "I'm here to solve the problem.

I'm here to be the professional, but I know what I said, and I know what I said was important, and I know what I said was valuable. What next?" You're not seeking validation or approval. You are showing up and delivering.

If somebody starts to cut you off, you can say Uh, I'll just finish what I was saying there," or "Okay, yeah, let me just finish this. I'm, I'm interested to hear what, what your thoughts are when I'm done." Right? And I'm, uh, for those of you watching me on YouTube, like, I, I put my finger up, and let me tell you the number of times I've done this in meetings.

"I'll just finish what I was gonna say. I'll just... Yeah, let me, let me... I'm interested to hear what you're saying, but, but I'll complete my thought before receiving your reaction to it."

And you can get a little more pointed or a little softer, depending on your individual personality, the person who's cutting you off. Sometimes it is more of excitement than lack of respect or derision, and so you, you might wanna throttle up or throttle back depending on the circumstance. But, um, but yeah, don't let people talk over you. That's not cool.

When you say that, "I'll just finish what I was saying," or, "I'm interested to hear your thoughts once I've completed communicating my idea," don't say that necessarily, but y- but that's the intent is, like, you're not even listening to me. You're launching before you've actually heard what I've had to say. The key to whatever your response is gonna be is really strong eye contact with the person who's cutting you off. You look them right in the eye, and you tell them with your eyes, "Back the F up."

You, you, you the woman, you get to take up space, and they do not get to take your space from you. So the tone can be as pleasant as it can be. Your v- your m- your message, don't make it too soft. But, like, "I'll just finish what I was saying," like, that's a pretty non-aggressive statement, particularly if you deliver it with that kind of just happy little voice.

But the eyes, the eyes are, "I'ma cut you." Right? The eye contact is what says, "Back up." If someone, um...

Moving on. So that's how I would handle that if somebody's cutting you off. Let's say you throw an idea out there and you don't feel like it's landing. It just, maybe people don't pick it up or, or the worst, five minutes later some guy says the exact same thing and people start to connect to what he's saying.

Then you just say something like, "Oh, I'm glad you agree with that idea I just shared, X," whatever it is. "That's a great way forward." You wanna figure out how to say the thing so that it matches you and what you would normally say. And so you figure out what vibes with you.

Like, "Hey, Derek, yes. That's exactly what I meant when I said XYZ. I love that we're on the same page." Or you can even take that middle part out.

"Yeah, Derek, I'm so glad we're on the same page." Blah, blah, blah, restate what you said before, is a great way to move forward. And so figure out the language that, that lands, that feels authentic to you, memorize it, and then when the situation comes up, you're not struggling. Like, you, you might be feeling your feelings of, "This guy's cutting me off," or, "M- he just stole my idea," but you already know what to say because you've developed it ahead of time and you've rehearsed it and you've memorized it.

Final point I'm gonna share here, and then we're gonna talk about support systems, is to always remember the importance of what happens before any meeting. Do what you can to shape the agenda so your priorities and requirements make the cut, and the earlier in the agenda, the better. Because things at the bottom of the agenda, if, if time turns into a crunch, those things don't get touched. Those things get rolled to the next meeting or the next week or to never.

So if you have a priority item, you want it high on the agenda. So work with whoever creates the agenda for the meeting and get your stuff up there. Second thing, before the meeting, have preliminary conversations with both your allies and your adversaries. You do this ahead of time.

You don't do this as you're walking into the meeting. You do this two days, a few days before the meeting to both shore up support, working with your allies to make sure you're on the same page and everything is good and clear and they're, they're on board, and to understand where any potential opposition is coming from. And again, you wanna have these conversations a couple days ahead if you can, 'cause that gives you a little time to find solutions or responses to the opposition.

I had always attributed this quote to LBJ until I was doing the research for this episode and realized this is not an LBJ quote. It is a quote... LBJ said something similar, but this quote that I have memorized, um, is actually from the movie Ronin, and it's David Mamet wrote it. And the quote, um, is to, "Never walk into a room that I don't know how I'm walking out of."

Bottom line, no surprises. You always wanna know what's gonna happen in that meeting before you walk in the meeting, and that means you shape the agenda and you do your pre-meeting work to get all your ducks in a row. Now- That takes a ton of metacognition, emotional self-regulation, mental load, overall effort. I get it.

I get it. But again, this is the game. Nobody says you have to play, but if you're gonna play, I want you to play well. And so those are some things that I would do to play well.

And now let's transition to the sep- second topic for today, and that is that the best players have a team. So let's look at how to build a strong support system when barely a third of your peers are other women in your senior leadership roles. And look, you can obviously have supportive male colleagues, mentors, advocates, but they just don't know what it's like to be a woman in senior leadership. They just don't.

They might be on your side, but they don't experience leadership the same way you do, and you deserve to have people around you who do. So I've got four tips here. Number one, find your tribe. Many industries will have women's associations where you can network with other women in your same field.

Those are great for professional development opportunities, great for career opportunities, finding new jobs, as well as connecting with women who get what you're going through. I also... So those are industry-specific women's organizations. I also love connecting with women in other industries for two reasons.

One, they just have a different perspective. Things operate differently in different industries, and so you get, like, real objective, unique input on your situation, and that can be really fruitful and valuable. I also like connecting with women in different industries because I don't worry so much that anything I share might get back to an employer or a potential future employer. I have been very fortunate that some of my kids' friends' moms are, are successful senior leaders, and so I have been very intentional about cultivating relationships with those women.

And our kids will go on a play date and have fun, and then mom and I can have an actual articulate professional conversation about our lives, about what's going on, and it's zero threat and super supportive and encouraging and lovely. But look, this is the key, and this is the key to all four of these items. You have got to be intentional You know that you are too busy. Was it two episodes ago?

Was it episode 51 on the sandwich generation? Everyone is too dang busy. So you, with intention, you offer to buy a coffee, offer to buy lunch, schedule the play date, join the Women's Executive Leadership Lab. But if you want this connection with other senior women who are operating at the same level as you, you have got to make it happen.

I make it easy inside of WELL, but you still have to join. Okay, so that is one. That is find your tribe of other women in senior leadership roles in your industry, outside of your industry, through professional networks, through personal contacts. Two, you wanna find your tribe that has absolutely nothing to do with work.

And I see this a lot with my coaching clients, that there is a crazy successful woman who over-identifies with work and lacks any sort of outlet to provide emotional balance. So maybe it's pickleball, maybe it's church, whatever you enjoy outside of work, be intentional about finding women who can make you laugh, who can fill your cup without having anything to do with work. Purely fun, not professional. Number three, diversify your network.

What do I mean? I mean, find yourself a mentor, someone senior to you who's a step or two ahead who can offer that wise counsel and advice. And then if we're gonna change these numbers, the statistics, then we need more women in senior leadership roles. And so you want a mentor, you want an advocate, someone who is saying, "Hey, Becky's amazing.

Have you thought about her taking charge on X?" Right? Her for this role, for this promotion. So you want your mentor, you want your advocate, could be the same person, great if they're different, 'cause that's just more people in your corner.

But you, my sweet friend, you also should be a mentor to the women junior to you. How can you help them grow professionally? And again, you might have to be intentional. More junior women might not feel comfortable reaching out to you if you are in the VP or the C-suite level, and so that means you reaching out to them.

"Hey, I heard about your work on X. That was phenomenal. I'd love to buy you a cup of coffee and learn more." Or, "Hey, I heard you did such and such.

Amazing. Can I bend your ear for a second? I wanna ask you something." And then you just open that conversation with them.

And it doesn't have to be all the time. Maybe it's once a month, maybe it's once a quarter you check in with your mentee and see how they're doing, see what support you can provide to them. And maybe it's once a month, maybe once a quarter you check out, too, with your mentor, with your, advocate and see, bounce ideas off of them. You've gotta be intentional.

And then lastly, point number four, so important and so often overlooked, is you've gotta be your own support. At the end of the day, it is great to have professional colleagues, it is great to have friends, it is great to have mentors and advocates, and to be a mentor, but you are responsible for you. So how do you provide support to yourself? Well, you maintain the boundaries that you need.

At the end of the day, it is your responsibility to ask for the support you need and to let other people know what you're available for. And you've gotta hold the line. You've got to help yourself grow more comfortable, potentially, with saying no, with knowing you're gonna disappoint some people. That is what it means to support yourself, setting and maintaining those boundaries.

Critical. The same is true for taking care of yourself. Getting the sleep, the nutrition, the exercise you need to perform at your best is a key priority. I've said this before, you are the talent.

You are responsible for taking care of yourself so that you can show up and be amazing. Your mentor, your peers, your girlfriends can't do that for you. You have to do it for yourself. But hey, look- I'm here for you.

I have developed the Strategic Leaders Audit, which is a free resource to help you get clear on the type of support that would be most meaningful for you and how to show up for yourself. You can download it at womenleadwell.net/free resources, and I'll link it in the show notes below. Now, this feels like a tough love episode, but there you have it.

It is lonely at the top, but there are things that you can do to have your voice heard, and there are things that you can do to have the support that you deserve. I hope this episode was helpful for you. And I'd love to hear your thoughts. You can shoot me a DM at @womenleadwell on all social platforms.

And I hope you'll join me next week when we're gonna talk about the fundamental job of a leader. You won't wanna miss it. Okay, now, if today's episode spoke to you, I would love for you to share it with a friend. We need more women leading from alignment, not adrenaline.

And if you haven't already, make sure to like this episode and subscribe so you don't miss next week's drop. Remember, joyful, sustainable, and authentic leadership is possible, and you deserve to enjoy every minute of it. Until next time, I'm Becky Hamm, and this is Joyfully Unstoppable.