The Lifestyle Glossary Pt. 1 🤓

Roz: What happens when two married scientists question the relationship script they were handed and crack open a door they never knew existed? This is our research phase and the experiment is already changing us.

Max: Welcome to the Partnership Lab, where we study love, partnership and consensual non monogamy. Think of this podcast as, as a relationship lab notebook filled with real time observations, experiments, and what we're learning along the way. Our discussions may include explicit language and sexual content, so listener discretion is advised.

Roz: Welcome back to the Partnership Lab for a bonus episode. I'm Roz.

Max: I'm Max. And today we're gonna do something pretty fun. Um, we talked a little bit on one of the previous episodes about our experience doing, um, a dating profile. And we did that on field. And one of the things that really stood out to me when we were making that was it's very inclusive from gender to sexuality. And there was many, many terms used that I'd never even heard before. So we thought, uh, in the spirit of being the, the scientists we are, that we could do a couple of these where we just go through some of these terms and help out the listeners with expanding their vocabulary a little bit.

Roz: And not that you can't just like, sit at your desk or computer and Google like 100 or plus terms, you know, so maybe it's a little bit more fun to listen to it.

Max: So, yeah, sure. And you can come back to this. Um, and I think it's the disclaimer that everyone probably knows is out there, but we're just going to say it that, uh, this is our best interpretation of these. We've used a couple different books, including Polyamory for Dummies, um, and a field glossary. Like field as in the app, but different, uh, communities use these terms in their own ways. And, uh, so if, if we get something wrong, feel free to email us. It's always in the show notes. Uh, we're happy to correct ourselves, but certainly none of it was done, um, you know, maliciously. So, so what set, uh, of topics we're going to do today, Roz?

Roz: Okay, so today we are going to go over like, swinger and, or quote, unquote, lifestyle terms. So, like general terms that you, if you're in the lifestyle or you're thinking about swinging or something like, you definitely will hear these terms.

Max: Yeah, kind of.

Roz: It's like how you communicate with other people in the lifestyle also.

Max: Exactly right. That's what I was gonna say, too. Uh, do you want to do the first one?

Roz: Sure. So the first one we're gonna go over Is soft swap. Usually it's like a couple and another couple. And usually. I think you're usually like, together. I'm not sure.

Max: Yeah, we're gonna get to the. The dynamic of who. Who is where. But, um, I don't think that's necessarily implied in soft swap. I think soft swap is very specific to.

Roz: I think it's often used that way, though.

Max: Yeah, I think a lot of times it'd be like soft swap. Same room would be like how someone would communicate with you.

Roz: Yeah.

Max: So.

Roz: Yeah.

Max: Yeah. So soft swap is. Is what?

Roz: So it's usually like you're kissing, touching, sensual play. Maybe there's some oral involved. But soft swap has a very distinct boundary where there's no penetrative intercourse happening. Um, this is important because this is kind of like where a lot of people start in their, like, exploration. It's like a trust building exercise because, like, you're being intimate with, like, somebody else, but it's not like your primary partner. Mm.

Max: Helps to kind of build that muscle of. Of seeing it without it maybe being quite as dramatic.

Roz: Yeah.

Max: So why don't you do the next one then to, uh, to kind of close the loop on that.

Roz: Okay. So that this one was soft swap. There's also a full swap, which is. That's where it's. Like we said in soft swap, there's no penetrative intercourse. So a full swap, this is like full on, like penetrative sex with another person or people. Um, and that, I think it just is devised that way. There's. That's just like the biggest boundary, I feel like, in the community.

Max: Yeah.

Roz: Because you're taking into, like, someone's safety really into a consideration.

Max: Yeah. The stakes feel a little bit higher with full swap because it's, you know, you got to make sure that everyone's using protection, that everyone's tested or however you decide you want to play. But I think it just. The risks are higher in full swap. So I think that's why that, that one kind of is a, A milestone, I guess, for some folks. So getting to the second, uh, I guess there's actually three that I'll go, I'll do here. That, um, you were kind of alluding to. So, uh, when couples would be introducing themselves to each other, um, which I kind of mentioned before, it'd be like we're a same room soft swap couple. So the soft swap we just described, which is like the dynamic, the sexual dynamic that you're comfortable with, but the, um, the same room is kind of indicating how close you are to your partner. Um, and that one's pretty self explanatory.

Roz: So proximity of closeness.

Max: Yeah. So if you're, if you're same room, that means that uh. Well it even goes as far as to say same bed sometimes. So it's like same bed would be the, you know, both couples are on the same bed plane. Whether soft swap or full swap. You can be in the same room, which might mean that you're in adjacent beds. Uh, and then it can go to separate room, separate play. And uh, that one has more meanings. So it could be that you're at a resort or something and a partner is going off to play by themselves. It could be that you are at a house party and you guys are just in different rooms, but you're under the same roof and sort of everything in between there. So those are kind of the first two major distinctions. Is like soft swap, full swap, same room, separate room. Do uh, you want to do the next one?

Roz: Sure. Um, another option a lot of times when you're um, talking to, introducing yourself to other people in the community, um, is parallel play. And that's when two couples are engaging like sexually like near each other, but they're actually not swapping their partner. So you are playing like with your partner and then there's another couple like right next to you on the same bed and they're with their partner. And then so there's no like crossing of partners. Basically in the parallel play you're just like together.

Max: Mhm.

Roz: Like near each other.

Max: I'd be interested to kind of know what the limit is on parallel play because I think like letter of the law, that is like you're with your partner, someone else is nearby and there's sort of that energy. But I wonder like, can there be some touching between the couples? I wonder if that is more in the soft swap realm or if that would still be considered parallel play. I'm not sure.

Roz: I. My first instinct is to say like any like touching or like sensual play is going to be a soft swap.

Max: Got it. Also why communication is important.

Roz: Yeah. Because like certain. Yeah, I feel, I feel like certain things mean different things to people. So it's like you just need to communicate like, like where you're at and it's kind of sometimes kind of hard. I feel like since like we haven't like swapped or anything yet. It's kind of. You kind of just don't register that you need to communicate something like that.

Max: Yeah.

Roz: So that's where like the, the communication comes in to play. Like a lot. And then the learning from experience, from experiencing things too.

Max: Yeah. Okay, um, so now we're going to get into a few more unique ah, dynamics. Um, well actually before we do that maybe we should just say uh, lifestyle. That's one we've probably used already. Significant number of times. Um, and that's like about as blanket term as it gets. And I've heard that used a couple of different ways. I think some folks would say lifestyle is a very swinger centric term. But the way I think about it is more like it's just people who engage in a relationship or sexual. Um, pursuit that I guess is outside of the typical monogamous, um, heteronormative, um, more kind of open minded. But I think in the very most traditional sense that's a uh, kind of a swinger shot shorthand. So. But it's, it's a code word that everyone gets if you're like oh, that's LS or that's lifestyle. It's kind of like the, the vocabulary equivalent of like the upside down pineapple or something.

Roz: So yeah, so the next few are kind of like different, I don't know, like relationship and play dynamics. Yeah, I would say so between people. Um, so the first one I'll go over is like hot wife or hot wifing.

Max: Cuz you're a hot wife.

Roz: And so this is like a, a consensual dynamic where the woman has a sexual experience with other people with the support of her partner. So basically her partner is, is being like the exhibitionist or the voyeur or

Max: wait, her partner would be. Well no, the voyeur sometimes. But I think that that would be when there's like filming involved. But that's not necessarily the case. A lot of times it could just be the woman is going off and then coming back and telling him about it.

Roz: Uh, okay, so hot wifing could be like in the presence of the partner or not.

Max: Correct.

Roz: And a lot of the times with this is associated with like the woman feeling like more empowerment um, because she's doing something. Well, I don't know, it could be like the like the primary relationship. Like that's something that they both like enjoy. So I was thinking of it from like a woman's perspective.

Max: But yeah, certainly I think that um, when I hear hot wifing I almost think about it more from the husband's perspective because like separate play feels different than hot wifing because I think hot wiping inherently has something that's very in it for the man. The man is, like, helping her pick out her clothes. He's, like, vetting the dates potentially. And it's. It's like he loves her and is so, like, turned on by her that the idea of her going out and being independent and doing these things is. Is exciting to him. I think that's a kind of a unique element to this one, but it also gets kind of messed up by porn culture too, because I think it means something different in that setting.

Roz: So I see.

Max: How do you feel about that one?

Roz: Like, I could definitely maybe see, like. Like if you were watching.

Max: Hmm.

Roz: I'm not so sure. I'm like, the completely separate kind of part of it.

Max: Okay.

Roz: For myself.

Max: Yeah. So I think this one's actually very, very similar. Um, stag vixen, and again, that's a very supportive male partner and a sexually, um, a sexually exploratory female partner.

Roz: Um, so a stag is the male partner.

Max: Correct.

Roz: So stag is the supportive male partner and the vixen is the female partner.

Max: Correct. And I think the difference I see here is that in that relationship structure, and again, these definitions are used differently by a lot of people, but I think that that one is less male pleasure centric. So I think the hot wife one is very much like, the woman is probably getting a lot out of it, but she's kind of doing it for her husband, where I think the stag vixen one is more like the husband is supportive and she's doing what she wants to do in. In my interpretation.

Roz: M. Interesting. So what's the difference between, like, stag vixen and, like, a cuckold situation? Which. We'll go through that one too, Just,

Max: well, yeah, let's do it now. So I think that those three are probably the ones that are the most confusing. So, uh, again, just to reiterate, I think the hot wife is like, the female is getting sexual pleasure, but the male is, like, being catered to with that. The stag vixen is like, the woman is a little. Maybe a little bit more independent, and it's not being. It's not doing it just to please the man. And then the cuckold is very much a humiliation centric, um, dynamic where, you know, maybe he's watching and the woman is like, saying, oh, you know, he me so much better than you do, or like, he's so much bigger than you. Like, those are the types of things that you hear in that dynamic. And, you know, maybe she. I think a lot of times there's like, a reclaiming for Some of these. But I think in that specific sense, there. There can sometimes even be like a, um. Like, he doesn't get to reclaim her because he's. He's like the submissive one. So. And that's actually turned into kind of a slur in, like, this bro podcast culture when, like, the alphas will say, oh, like, you're such a. Or whatever. Which is. Is unfair because I think that's. It's kind of like the. The version of, like, when kids would call each other gay when we were young, you know?

Roz: Right.

Max: But so anyway, I may have totally butchered that, and if I did, please email us. But that's kind of my interpretation of those three different ones.

Roz: Yeah, the co. Cold one just doesn't sound fun for me. Yeah. And if. But if you. If that's like your thing you do, you. I'm just saying, like, personally, like, for myself, like, it doesn't sound like I would get any enjoyment out of it.

Max: Yeah, you'd be the one that would have to be, like, cruel, which doesn't seem like it's in your nature.

Roz: Well, it can be either either way, right? It could be, I guess.

Max: Yes. That's. So that's a very. Okay, we're getting into the weed a little bit, but I think what you're getting to is. Actually has a different term now because. So I think the porn industry almost, like, invented this interest, and it was like, women demeaning men while they're having sex with their men was cuckolding. Now there's actually, like, men demeaning their wife while they're having sex with another woman. And that's called cuckold queening, I believe, where the woman is the one who's being, like, spoken down to much, much rarer. Because I don't think women like to be spoken to that way. And also, women don't watch much porn as a generalization. Right. So, yes, to get back to your original point, I don't think that dynamic really works for either one of us

Roz: and be like, devil's advocate here. And we're not saying, like, anything is, like, right or wrong or anything like that. I just want to, like, voice that. So then people aren't going to be like, oh, my gosh, they hate, you know, people who are cuckolds. And that's not our. That's not our intention. It's just we're talking about, like, our personal views and, like, our relationship. So.

Max: Yeah. And a lot of that is probably an act anyways. It's. It's they're probably saying things that are. They don't necessarily think are true, but it's just part of the show, you know?

Roz: Yeah. I mean, it's like role play. Yeah, essentially.

Max: Yeah. But I. I still. I don't know that the. The power dynamic in that particular situation doesn't really excite me. So. Did we have any other ones?

Roz: We had one. We have one more.

Max: Okay, why don't you do that one?

Roz: All right, so one. Another term, um, is for a single man. Like in. When you're out at. Ah. Maybe like you're at a lifestyle party or a resort or whatever the situation is. Um, if someone says that they're a bull, that means that they're a single man participating in like a. A couple's like, dynamic. So maybe like the man in like a hot wife situation. Yeah, um, like the other man, not like the primary partner who is being supportive. Like it's the guy that the hot wife is having sex with, for example.

Max: The guy doing the fucking.

Roz: Right. Doing the action. Um, so yeah, that's another term that you might hear people. But I know like, at the resorts and things that might be kind of rare because I think a lot of places, like, they won't let single men like, into playrooms. M. And things like that. Like, you have to be coupled at least together. I don't know how that works with like, throuples and things. If there's any thruffles that have like two guys involved.

Max: But that's an interesting point. I really thought about that. But I think that, um. So there's. There's one. I just realized it wasn't on our list. And I'll say it. It's a unicorn. And that's kind of the female version of the bull where she comes in and she's uh, most stereotypically like a bisexual single female who goes in and. And is a part of a threesome with, uh, an established couple. And they're called unicorns because they're hard to find. They're highly sought after. You know, there are sort of, um. It can be a little bit of a derogatory term to be like a unicorn hunter. Because I think sometimes people use unicorns as like human sex toys and then kind of throw them away, um, because it just kind of gives the. The couple a charge. But the reason I brought that up was your point about the single males. And I think that in some cases, like bull and unicorn is actually used almost more like a verb where if like a man is part of a couple but he's gonna go and be like the third for a couple, like a different couple. Oh, he's like their bull.

Roz: Oh, yeah. You're just like explaining the dynamic.

Max: Correct. Yeah. Or you're gonna go play with another couple. You're like they're unicorn even though you're not like air quotes.

Roz: Single.

Max: Yeah. So single in the sense that you, you're by yourself but not necessarily unpartnered. So. So yeah, that's our um, our quick little run through of the, the kind of lifestyle language. We, we have a whole list here that we're going to probably do in a couple other episodes.

Roz: Um, there's just some like topics that are like very long and like, I know like from my point of view, I wouldn't want to be listening to an episode and just listen to like terms like the entire time. So this is why these runes will be like a little bit shorter. I don't want to overwhelm with word vomit.

Max: Yeah, just little bonus episodes, little 20 minute episodes. But we're looking at, you know, gender terms, um, different versions of your sexuality, which I think is really interesting.

Roz: That one was really blew my mind when we were making like the profile for the app because I was like, wow, I knew like, of a good amount but actually like understanding like what it actually means and not just like how you've heard it in your like life experience was very like eye opening. I was like, holy. Yeah, there's a ton of terms that. And like you will see them like all over the apps too.

Max: And I think it's been complicated by the expansion of our understanding of gender because like, just, you know, bisexual was like really useful when there was only two sort of identifiable genders. But now there's a bunch more for the reason that there's, you know, many more gender presentations. So. So yeah, we'll do gender, we'll do sexuality. We've got a couple of different setups, uh, um, for like the different relationship dynamics in a more poly sense. But today was really just focused on you're going to a lifestyle resort, you're introducing yourselves as a couple. What are the terms you need to know? Or if you're on a dating app and you want to see like, know if that a particular couple kind of fits your play style. You know, what terms would be helpful for you to know. Any thoughts before we sign off?

Roz: What have we been up to lately? Maybe we should just do a little update. We are doing several events this year. Yeah, we like some of our first ones.

Max: Yeah.

Roz: M. Toronto.

Max: Yep. Naughty Gym with.

Roz: Through. Through Naughty Gym that we're going to go to. Um, see, we put our deposit down to go to heedo.

Max: Yeah, yeah.

Roz: Which that'll be. I think that'll be a really big experience for us for sure.

Max: Um, going in January also with Naughty Jim and then Libertine Scottsdale and.

Roz: Oh, yeah.

Max: October and.

Roz: Yep.

Max: And we've been watching Love is Blind. I don't know if we're the last people on the planet to watch this show. Uh, but, boy, we're only on the first season and it's been fun to, like, think who's cute and who's not cute and then like, who's a total douchebag? And I don't know about you, but I went from like, how did their bonds get so strong so fast? To, wow, that fell apart pretty fast.

Roz: That fell apart quickly.

Max: Yeah.

Roz: And I really do think it's outside influence. Like, if you were in sequestered for your, like, relationship and things, I mean, obviously it would be really hard if you didn't have family and stuff. But, like, I feel like it's a completely different, uh, scenario when you're sequestered versus, and I understand why they do it too. Sequestered versus, like, out in your, like, normal life. So you can, like, make those, like, connections super quickly.

Max: Yeah.

Roz: And it's like, then get married, like within a month of just meeting this person.

Max: Yeah.

Roz: Uh, it's like 20 days of being like, face to face, like in person. It's insane.

Max: Yeah. It really makes you question the, uh, sort of idea of like, soulmates, which I always kind of thought was weird to think, like, of 8 billion people, there's literally one person on Earth that you're supposed to be with. Just because, like, just the odds of that doesn't seem right. But the idea that you could put 20 people into an experiment and like 12 of the 20 find someone they're convinced they want to marry without ever seeing them. Uh, yeah, that's. But I.

Roz: That's a hard sell.

Max: I honestly think there's only one couple in this season that's gonna actually get married. And yes, we'll have to see what happens.

Roz: Yeah, I, I do too. There definitely. Some are stronger than others, for sure.

Max: And there's one woman who's like, drives me insane. Literally psychotic.

Roz: So, yeah, she drives me insane.

Max: But anyway, that was our little, little blip of what we've been watching for you. But, um, I hope you enjoyed this episode again. As a quick one, we'll be back again with our full length episode soon, but just wanted to drop a little bonus for you here. Um, we've gone over a hundred downloads, so

Roz: three countries.

Max: Yeah. In three countries. So cool. I. I didn't pay for the upgrade, so I don't know what countries they are, but we'll see. But anyway, we love you guys. Hopefully this is valuable and it's fun for us, so we're gonna keep doing it whether you listen or not. But we love that you're listening.

Roz: And also join our book club.

Max: Yeah. Yeah, we're. I'm not sure exactly when this is gonna drop, but, uh, uh, if it comes out before we do the. The book club for open, you still have time. Otherwise, um, we'll give you plenty of notice for the next one.

Roz: Yeah, we'll do. Keep doing more of them.

Max: Yeah.

Roz: Because there's a lot of books out there.

Max: Yeah. Our book. Our bookshelf's full between smut and, like, educational, so.

Roz: Yeah.

Max: All right. Love you.

Roz: Love you. All right. Smooches.

Max: Stay curious. These conversations reflect our own observations and experiences and are not professional or institutional advice. They do not reflect the thoughts or opinions of employers, family, or guests, nor imply their approval of the content shared.