The Power of Self-Acceptance

Speaker A: Hey everybody. Laura here. Before this episode starts, I am jumping in to let you know that I am re releasing one of my favorite episodes of the Evolved Leader. This one's called the Power of Self Acceptance.

Speaker B: If you know me at all, then

Speaker A: you know that self acceptance is my favorite thing to talk about. Self acceptance literally makes everything in your life easier. And self acceptance is something that nearly every single one of my clients has struggled with. They're high achievers, they're perfectionists, they're go getters. And they find that no matter how much they grow, they still constantly find fault with themselves. And they're actually kind of afraid to stop being so self critical. So when they learned about it, they all wanted a deeper dive. And that's why I created a five week workshop that just focuses on self acceptance. So I would love for you to join me. Stay tuned at the end of this episode for all the details and make sure that you check out our show notes to get the links. That's gallaheredge.com podcast blame, right?

Speaker C: Is the number one defense mechanism within an organization. And how irritating is that? When people won't take ownership, but when they feel good about themselves and they self accept, then the blame goes down drastically.

Speaker A: Welcome to the Evolved Leader podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Gallagher. On this show we bring you real, authentic human stories about growth, about culture, transformation from the inside out. We focus on the power of choice and self accountability, the beauty of progress over perfection and the ease of being uninhibited. Real evolved you. In this episode, I welcome back Dr. Stephanie Lopez to the show. She is also an organizational psychologist and executive coach and she has worked with me both at NASA and with our clients at Gallaher Edge.

Speaker B: And.

Speaker A: And she's recently joined us full time, which is very exciting. Today we talk about the key to making everything in your life easier. Self acceptance. It really is the antidote to so many of life's challenges. And if it doesn't feel like something you need to pay attention to, listen on. We'll talk about some signs that you would benefit from self acceptance as a practice. I am excited to share it with you. So here is my conversation with Dr. Stephanie Lopez.

Speaker B: All right, Stephanie, welcome back to the show.

Speaker C: Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here today.

Speaker B: This is really exciting for me. As I was saying in the intro, Stephanie was actually on podcast episode number one. You were my very first guest and you recorded that episode with me, which was so. It was such a solid episode. We just re released it Actually, and I love that. And now it's extra exciting for me that you're here because you have officially joined the team now at Gallaher Edge, and I am so excited about that.

Speaker C: Oh, uh, thank you so much. I didn't realize for the longest time that it was the first one. Uh, that's so neat to hear. And I'm so happy to finally be a part of the team, um, permanently. Yeah.

Speaker B: It's funny. I know we could probably geek out and talk about that, like, forever, but it just. For years, uh, I've dreamed about having you on the team, and it's real, and it's so cool. And it's one of those moments that I would say to people listening, if you feel like you're, like, losing sight of one of those kinds of dreams, like, keep going, because you'll probably get there. And m. My dream of hiring you has happened.

Speaker C: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ah, okay. Inspirational moment then. I mean, a year ago, I was just telling somebody this last night. I never could have imagined how different things would be.

Speaker B: Gosh. And a year ago, A year ago, right now, as we're recording this in late February of 2021. A year ago, man, I had no idea what was coming. Could have. Everybody was talking about this COVID 19 thing, and I was like, really? Is this a big deal? I totally underestimated it till about mid March. And then I was like, oh, shoot. Okay. This is big. Anyway, we're not talking about the pandemic today. Although I do think that the topic we're talking about is useful for coping with the pandemic and a whole bunch of other crap that happen in life. We are talking today about self acceptance. This is one of my favorite subjects in the world to talk about, and I actually just want to start with, what the heck does that even mean?

Speaker C: Right?

Speaker B: Self acceptance. So I do have our definition, but before I get into that, Stephanie, I would love to hear your thoughts. Like, this whole idea of self acceptance, and what's some of your earliest memories around the idea and what it means or what you thought it meant?

Speaker C: So when I take a minute and think about that, I don't think I had ever thought about those words together. You know, maybe. Maybe, like, self confidence, self compassion, but not self acceptance. It, like, totally was not on my radar at all until I started doing this work. So I can think back. Growing up, I was always in this, like, go achieve, keep going mode, where, like, um, I don't know, I picture a ladder, and I was, like, always trying to climb to the top of the ladder, trying to get to the next thing, thing and accomplish the next thing. But even when I got there, it wasn't that exciting, it wasn't that great. It was just like, okay, onto the next thing.

Speaker B: Yeah. So it was always about self improvement, right?

Speaker C: Yes.

Speaker B: Because that resonates with me too. Like that was my major drum beat. Like self improvement, self improvement. Got to get better, got to get better. And that's awesome.

Speaker C: Mhm.

Speaker A: Right.

Speaker B: Nobody's going to crap on that today. Like, I'm all, I am all for self improvement. And I think what you're pulling on and what's so critically important here is that self improvement that you're describing, that's actually a totally different and separate concept from self acceptance.

Speaker C: Yes. Yes.

Speaker B: Which made my head be like, oh, me too. I was like, wait, wait, wait, what?

Speaker C: What if I practiced self acceptance, then I couldn't possibly improve.

Speaker B: Yes. I had the exact same idea in my mind. It was like self acceptance. All of my resistance to that initially was like, okay, like complacency. You mean like just deciding that I'm not going to get any better at anything. Like I was confounding the two and I was thinking that they were opposite ends of a spectrum, like the same variable. And I didn't realize that they are two distinct things.

Speaker C: That was the same for me. The exact same.

Speaker B: Yeah. And that was a huge moment for me and it helped me really overcome a lot of my initial resistance and fears around what it meant to practice self acceptance.

Speaker C: Mhm.

Speaker B: So we're going to get into some of that and I want to share with you the definition that we have for self acceptance, which is being fully okay with everything about who you are, including flaws and imperfections, as well as the ability to honor your strengths and talents. And that last part, I have not always included that, uh, when I talk about self acceptance, I historically have really focused a lot on the first part, like being fully okay with all of my flaws and imperfections as part of self acceptance. And one of the signs that you're struggling with self acceptance in some facet of your life is if you find it very difficult to receive compliments or praise or appreciation. If you find yourself deflecting, minimizing, just wanting to do whatever you can to avoid it, or you feel automatically like you have to return the compliment really fast, or like, if you're like, oh God, not compliments, that's so hard for me. Okay, then you would probably benefit from a self acceptance practice.

Speaker C: Yeah. Like, are they just brown nosing me, like, it really wasn't that big of a deal that I did that project, all that kind of stuff. Right.

Speaker B: Totally minimizing it. Minimizing it. Because they couldn't possibly mean that I did something that good because I don't think I did something that good. Or. But I could point to these three mistakes. Didn't you see these three mistakes? I'm not allowed to make mistakes. I'm not supposed to make mistakes. I'm better than somebody that makes mistakes. Or. Or I'm so much worse than everybody else that makes mistakes. And that's why it's okay for them to make mistakes. But I can't. Right. That's another key sign that you would benefit from a self acceptance practice. If you tell yourself, yeah, no, other people can make mistakes, that's fine, but I know I can't. It's not okay for me.

Speaker C: Yeah. And I love how you're wording it as self acceptance practice. Meaning, uh, it's like you don't. It's not just like, well, you are or you're not. It's a constant thing that we have to work on or that we can choose to work on.

Speaker B: Yes. Oh, look at that language. Yeah. And that really is. So it is a choice and it is a practice. As much as I would love to say it's flip a switch kind of thing. And you're like, oh, I've checked the box, I've accepted myself. If you have found that, please call me.

Speaker C: Let us know.

Speaker B: Yeah. If you have that silver bullet, oh my gosh, I will have you on the show. I can't wait to talk to you. And I'm pretty confident that like anything else, it does take practice. And like anything else, it gets easier the more you do it and the more you're able to see some of the habits and the patterns that you've been doing and then choose differently. Choose to practice more self acceptance. Those practices become easier and easier and it will actually become second nature for you. And it won't feel weird or hard or difficult or unfamiliar anymore. It's just gonna be like, oh, yeah, this is how I do.

Speaker C: I love that so much. And that that triggered a thought in my mind that the first memory that I can think of of actually thinking about self acceptance is. It's really funny. I was in the Dunkin Donuts drive thru on the phone, crying. I was talking to you actually, and I have no idea what I was upset about. Um, but what I remember is that you really reminded me how important it is That I can be both because I had this all or nothing thinking. And when I say both, I mean self accepting and, um, self improving because I had a tendency to be all or nothing, one or the other. And so that stuck to me as like the first moment where I started working really hard and practicing, uh, this mindset.

Speaker B: I love that Dunkin Donuts drive thru.

Speaker C: Who knows?

Speaker B: You're like, I don't need that comfort food anymore. Like now I'm good. No, you're probably getting coffee or something.

Speaker C: Now I'm getting coffee.

Speaker B: So I want to talk about. Let's actually go back to what you were talking about, the way that you grew up, where it was this constant focus on self improvement. Because that feels very true for me as well. So did you have a lot of goals for yourself when you were growing up?

Speaker C: Oh, always. I was like the goal setting queen.

Speaker B: Okay, cool. So you'd set a goal and then now looking back, you know that you would tell yourself little lies. Do you know what lie you would tell yourself about what would happen or what would be different when you would hit those goals?

Speaker C: Oh, yeah. Like I will feel really great about myself when I do xyz. And so maybe that XYZ was like getting my degree or it was probably focused a lot back then around school, you know. Oh, yeah. Um, doing well in a certain class. Those are my early memories. Around.

Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: I feel really good about myself when I just need to get to this point. As long as this one thing happens. Okay, cool. So then you hit your goals most of the time, right? Because you're high achiever.

Speaker C: Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker B: So you hit your goal and then what?

Speaker C: Then I set a new goal and I did, I did have this realization. There wasn't this climax or this like I thought there would be. You know, like, for instance, I get my. Got my PhD and I thought it would be like this huge celebratory moment where I felt so good and it was just like, well, it's over now. I got to work.

Speaker B: Yeah. And then, and then the goals become around that, right?

Speaker C: Yeah.

Speaker B: Then it's about, you know, moving up

Speaker A: that ladder's still there.

Speaker B: It's like even when you think you hit some milestone, you're like, well, shoot, there's another giant freaking ladder. Just nonstop. Yeah, I had the exact same thing. And. And I would tell myself a lot of those little lies as well, that I would just be happy when. Or I could just enjoy my life when. Or everything will feel different when. And I'll just speak for me, I'll invite you to do the same. I also didn't feel like, like if you, if you were to talk to Laura as a teenager or Laura in her 20s and you were to suggest to her that she had low self acceptance. No, I would like, no, I'm hot shit. Like, I'm cool, I'm good. Like I had no concept of having low self acceptance by any means. In fact, because I was so focused on self improvement and achieving and I was able to set goals and usually hit those goals. Like I had no idea or concept that my behavior was actually in line with. Oh no, I don't have high self acceptance right now. How about you?

Speaker C: I. So. Hm. This is something that I need to think through. I recognize for sure flaws in myself. Um, and I think if somebody, yeah. Said, you know, uh, asked me about self acceptance, am I fully okay with everything about who I am? I don't think, I think I would have responded that that's just the way that I am. But I don't think I felt fully okay with it. I felt kind of broken, which sounds strong, but it's true.

Speaker B: There's actually, I think pieces of that that are probably true for me too where I would have moments of feeling like I was broken. And for me, I think it also felt really important that nobody else know that.

Speaker C: Yeah, I probably didn't share that.

Speaker B: Yeah. I mean for me. Yeah, back then for me that was like, that was a level of vulnerability that I think I rarely even let myself know. Yeah, I would maybe briefly let myself know I might have a crying conversation with my mom who would like build me back up and then I would go back into a more pleasant state of denial about myself. And so I just, you know, the reason I wanted to bring that up is because some people listening might just still be struggling with this idea in general. Like, well, how. But that's not, that's not a lack of self acceptance. That's just. I just want to push, I just want to grow. I just want to get better. Right. Like, I think there's, there's likely to be some resistance and if that's happening for you as you're listening, I want you to honor that. Notice the resistance, pay attention to it. It's totally cool. I've totally been there. And I want to talk about a couple other ways that self acceptance impacts just kind of day to day life and just, just kind of keep noticing for yourself. Like, yeah, is this maybe true for me? Might I benefit from a more active self acceptance practice?

Speaker C: Okay.

Speaker B: That sound good?

Speaker C: Yeah, let's do it.

Speaker B: Okay. All right. So the moving milestone thing. We've talked about that. That's the first one. And that was definitely, you know, my biggest aha moment was maybe the. I mean, I want to say 17th, 18th time I'd lied to myself in saying that it's only going to be like this until that I was so sort of like, oh, shoot, I don't even know what the end of that sentence is anymore. So that's definitely a really big one. But let's. Let's totally switch gears for a second. So imagine, like, think about a time when you've been in conversation with more than one person, right? So there's like, three or more of you talking, and then maybe one person walks away, or maybe it's later on and you're chatting with just one of them, and that person's, like, all up in arms about what the third person said. They're like, oh, my God, can you believe he said that? And you're like, what? What? You know, you were there, you were in the same conversation, but you feel totally baffled by why this other person is reacting the way that they're reacting. Have you had that happen?

Speaker C: Oh, yeah, I've had that happen at work. So after meetings where people are like, can you believe that meeting?

Speaker B: Just.

Speaker C: And I, um, was like, what? And then also in personal life, so. So, like, yeah, kind of everywhere. I can picture that.

Speaker B: Yeah, I've definitely had it in both places for sure, too. Like, I've walked out of a work meeting, and I was thinking, like, that went pretty well. And then the other person's, like, all upset, and I'm like, what did I miss?

Speaker C: Yes.

Speaker B: And so I think that's a pretty relatable experience, so. Cause like, a triangulation happens all the time, and that's what we're describing as triangulation. Oh, my God. I can't believe you said that. Right. Like, that's triangulation. Instead of going to that person. I mean, like, hey, can I clear up something about what you just said? Most of us were four times as likely, the research shows, to go talk about somebody than directly to them when there's an issue. But I think this is very relatable. And so I wanted to bring this up because. And I know you know the answer to this, Stephanie. So what, like, what is happening? Like, what's the difference in that moment between you where you're not taking any issue with what was being said and the person who's kind of freaking out?

Speaker C: Oh, yeah. I mean, they're totally making it about themselves.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: So they're taking what happened in that conversation and they are making whatever that person said. They're personalizing it. Some part of them is making what that person said about them and it's triggering. It's hitting on an insecurity, it's triggering defensiveness. So when that's happening, that's a sign for this other hypothetical third person.

Speaker C: Right.

Speaker B: Like that's a sign that in that area, in that moment, they don't have high self acceptance. Right. And yes, if you're like, well, but maybe it depends on the relationship that they have with that person or like the history. Yeah, absolutely. And this is one of the things that I think for you and me, Steph, has like blown our minds. Every interaction that we have with other people comes back to how we feel about ourselves.

Speaker C: Yes. When I learned that my, my mind was literally blown, I was like, because I'm very literal. So I took it very little literally and I was like, oh, I got

Speaker B: some work to do here. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and thank you for like owning it. Like, what a beautiful self acceptance practice to own it and bring it back to you. And I will do the same because it's definitely happened for me.

Speaker C: Right.

Speaker B: So in those moments. So we all kind of know that moment when someone else is freaking out. It's much easier to see this shit in other people than it is to see it in yourself. Right. So, yes. And now think about when that's been you. Think about when you have been the person where you're like, really upset about what somebody said or how they said it or what was happening in a meeting and other people are like, I thought it was fine. You know? And you're like, how is that fine?

Speaker C: Oh, that's been me for sure.

Speaker B: Yeah, I've been there too.

Speaker C: I've m done that too.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: So that if you've ever had that experience, that is a really powerful sign for you that there is some segment of how you see yourself that you're not fully okay with. And this is why, you know, we focus so much on growing self awareness. Because that is not usually in your conscious mind. In your conscious mind, it just becomes like, no, that person is just really inconsiderate or I can't believe they said that. Or they're this. And there's a tendency to blame, or we play the victim or you know, some other defense mechanism. But our defenses are only triggered because our self concept is being threatened.

Speaker C: Yes.

Speaker B: And so self acceptance is always Going to be the antidote for that. And so when you think about. And it doesn't even have. There doesn't even have to be, like, a third person in the conversation. You can think about any conversation you've had with somebody where you notice that you feel defensive, you feel triggered, and you can look back later in hindsight and go, might have been an overreaction. Yeah, just a little bit. And if. Yeah, maybe a tad. Um, so when you can do that, that's a really powerful sign that there's some part of you that you're just not fully okay with yet. Yet. And it's totally normal. Like, this is part of the human condition. This is not like, it's not that you're broken. Right.

Speaker C: Right.

Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, I think most of us have probably had that feeling and that fear at some point. I know I have multiple times where I'm like, is there just something, like, fundamentally sucky about me? Like, I've definitely wondered that. And it's usually in moments when I'm pretty consciously not feeling great about myself.

Speaker C: Right.

Speaker B: But subconsciously there's this undercurrent and this thread for. For a lot of us. Like, especially, you know, for me, I used to get triggered pretty regularly when subconsciously I feared I wasn't competent enough or I feared that somebody else didn't think that I was competent enough that would trigger really obnoxious behaviors in me. And so that was a really powerful sign for me to go, okay, so I guess I'm not fully okay with everything about how I see myself, or probably not even fully aware of how I see myself when it comes to my own competence.

Speaker C: Yeah. Yep. That's true for me. I would either get, like, critical verbally or just in my mind and start criticizing others when I felt that way. And I love the terminology that you use. Self acceptance is the antidote.

Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, that's why I talk about it as the key to making everything in your life easier.

Speaker C: Because it does. It does.

Speaker B: It sounds so hyperbolic. And I'm like, no, for real, y'. All. For real. Like this. It works. And it's a practice. It's a practice. It's a practice.

Speaker C: And when you say everything in your life, that isn't just personal life, this is at work, too. I mean, can you imagine the cultures that can be created when everybody in the organization is self accepting?

Speaker A: Wow.

Speaker B: Powerful.

Speaker C: That blame is the number one defense mechanism within an organization. And how irritating is that? When people won't take ownership, but when they feel good about themselves? And they self accept. Then the blame goes down drastically. Huh. And then we can all be productive.

Speaker B: Yes.

Speaker C: Does anybody not want that?

Speaker A: I know.

Speaker B: Who doesn't want that?

Speaker C: Who doesn't want that?

Speaker B: And it's not that blame goes away and we lose all accountability. It's that blame can go away or is reduced significantly and it's replaced, placed with self accountability.

Speaker C: Yes.

Speaker B: Everybody's showing up going like hey, okay, well because, well they're not really talking like this because this would be kind of annoying. But like I feel good enough about myself to be willing to look at myself and how I contributed to this. Um, hey, here are a few things I probably could have done differently that would have really helped. Right. Like that's more or less what happens.

Speaker C: Yeah. This is my piece.

Speaker B: Yeah. The self acceptance leads you ultimately to become more self aware, which leads you to be more self accountable. And what leader does not want to have a team filled with self accountable people?

Speaker C: Mhm.

Speaker B: It's the best.

Speaker C: Yep. When I think about it in the workplace, like for myself specifically, like if I am self accepting and not worried about feeling competent or rejected or anything in the organization, I just feel so much more confident at owning up to like what I didn't do well, what mistake I made because I know that I like nothing as bad as gonna happen. I don't have all these fears coming up, if that makes sense.

Speaker B: Uh, totally makes sense. I actually love what you're saying and I think it's a perfect segue into the third piece that I want to take the listeners through. Right. Which is, you know, if you think about what Stephanie is saying and think about where if even some microcosm of your world in any part of your life that's been true. So specifically think about a person or a group of people where like you just feel really good around them.

Speaker C: Mhm.

Speaker B: You know, you have high trust. And one of the ways that we characterize high trust is low fear. High trust means I don't have fear in this moment. I don't have a fear to be vulnerable. I don't have a fear to be open with you. I don't have a fear to admit a mistake. I don't have a fear that you're not going to do what you say you're going to do. I don't have a fear that you're lying to me. Like high trust means low fear. So think about that. And most of us can think about at least one human that we know or have known in our lifetime where when you're with that person, you feel really good around them, right?

Speaker C: Yes.

Speaker B: Yeah. Somebody coming to mind for you?

Speaker C: Oh, yeah, a few people.

Speaker B: Yeah, I have that too. And I want to invite everybody to think about that. Think about who that person is and really what's happening and why you feel good in that person's company is because in their presence you feel good about yourself.

Speaker C: Mhm.

Speaker B: And so I want you to think about that moment because whatever it is, however this person regards you.

Speaker C: Mhm.

Speaker B: You can learn how to do that for yourself.

Speaker C: Mind blown moment, like. Yes. Uh, yes. And so this comes to mind even in situations like where I'm super close with somebody and they have literally seen me at my absolute worst and they still love me and care about me and.

Speaker B: Exactly. So they've seen you at your worst or what you think is your worst.

Speaker A: Right.

Speaker B: Uh, and they still accept you exactly as you are. They still love you exactly as you are. They're not like, I'm only going to love you if you change this thing. They're like, no, like, I love you and you're imperfect and so am I. And that's okay.

Speaker C: Yes. And I don't feel judged.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker C: Oh, it's so beautiful.

Speaker B: So have you seen me, Joe Black?

Speaker C: Uh, yeah, I think I did that.

Speaker B: Brad Pitt? Yeah. It's a remake of Death, um, takes a holiday or something like that. There's a scene when Brad Pitt, who's playing Death, he's talking to another character and the character is played by Jeffrey Tambor and he has this line and I love. It's like my favorite part of the whole film where, uh, Jeffrey Tambor's character is describing, you know, the essence really of love. And he says, it's when they know the worst thing about you and it's still okay.

Speaker C: Yes.

Speaker B: And I'm like, yes. You know, which for him, he was like, well, shit, I'm deaf. So I don't know if that's going to be okay for other people, like, but I just love that. And, and it's so wonderful and so beautiful when we have other people around us who can hold space for us like that, which, by the way, those of you who are leaders in the organization, this is something that you can think about. Right. You cannot directly change or control how somebody feels about themselves. You can make choices to regard them in a way that makes it easier for them to feel good about themselves in your presence. Yes. And it's a lot of what, what you're saying, Stephanie, it's about not judging. It's about still being accepting. And this doesn't mean again, complacency.

Speaker C: Right? Right.

Speaker B: I can still work with somebody to help them create accountability for themselves. I can still help them with that without any judgment, without any blame. I can still hold space and be accepting of who they are. And when we have a lot of that around us, it can definitely start to change our self concept over time, which is super cool. And I am a huge fan of doing whatever we can to be self sufficient and self reliant. And we do need each other. And what if you become your own best friend?

Speaker C: Yeah, right.

Speaker B: Like whatever it is that your. Your friends or your family or your boss or mentor, whoever it is, maybe somebody from your church or community, whatever it is that they do for you, you can actually do all of those same things for yourself. You may not feel like you know how to do that right now. And so my invitation would be stay open to the idea that you can learn how, just like you can learn anything else.

Speaker C: Anything. Yeah. Yeah. Growth, mindset when it comes to this.

Speaker B: Yep. And practice and journey and all of those things. Right?

Speaker C: Yes.

Speaker B: So I know I could talk about this forever and I want to make sure that we're bringing this to a, um, close.

Speaker A: Okay. My workshop. The key to making everything in your life easier. Yep. That's what I call it. It's coming up. But before that starts, you can come to my free mini training, which is on Tuesday, April 12, from 2 to 3pm Eastern. And hey, if that's all you do, come to that free mini training. I promise you will walk away with valuable learnings and takeaways and you'll be able to assess the ways that higher self acceptance will make your life easier. If you're tired of your your inner critic dominating your thoughts, if you're tired of getting stuck in obsessive thoughts at night when you really would rather be sleeping. If you're tired of feeling anxious anytime a conversation starts to go sideways, if you want to improve your ability to really connect with people and show them who you truly are, then you do not want to miss this free training. Head on over to WWE. Www.gallaheredge.com key-workshop for more information, you can find the link in the show notes@gallaheredge.com podcast thank you so much for listening and we'll talk again.

Speaker B: Sam.