83: From Checking Boxes to Feeling Alive: The Hidden Cost of High Achievement

Speaker A: Welcome to the Badass Leader podcast. I'm your host, Coco Duan. I'm a former Fortune 500 senior executive turned executive coach. In today's episode, I'm sharing a, uh, powerful conversation I had with a financial empowerment coach, Victoria. And in this conversation, we talked about my journey from checking all the boxes, but feeling miserable inside to creating a life that actually feels aligned, fulfilling, and alive. Uh, we dive into the hidden cost of high achievement, good girl conditioning, nervous system, regulation, and what it really takes to, to start performing and creating a life on your own terms. And that's what I call from a good girl to badass. Enjoy.

Speaker B: Today I have a very special guest, Coco Duan, who is an executive coach. And we live not that far apart from each other, so I'm very excited about the fact that we've connected. Um, I am a financial empowerment coach who help, like, I help women get to a, uh, safe place with their money as they are planning their departure from corporate. Coco, would you like to introduce yourself

Speaker A: 100%? Yeah. I would say I'm a coach who helps high achieving women, the similar type of women.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: To break their good girl patterns. To become badass.

Speaker B: Yes. Yeah. And I found out, uh, yesterday as I was looking at your website that you're an author. A published author, and you also have your own podcast. So I have to point people to that too. I'm always, like, totally blown away when somebody has written a book.

Speaker A: Yes. The book is called, um, unchecking the Boxes.

Speaker B: I know.

Speaker A: So it all making sense. Right? You want to talk more like, how many of us and how I used to check all the boxes and realize, oh, this is not what I thought I would feel after checking all the boxes. And the, uh, podcast is the Badass Leader. Yeah.

Speaker B: Yeah. So cool. So I am curious just because I do know that you, like, started out in corporate and have worked in all of these huge companies and everything else.

Speaker A: Yes.

Speaker B: But I'm curious for you, like, was there a moment, like, what was the inciting incident? What was the thing that kind of was or was there a, uh, thing that happened, whether it was like a practice, a life event, just, you know, you woke up one morning.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: Like, look around and you're like, what's going on? That kind of like, like shifted your, your path, your direction?

Speaker A: Yes. Well, I, I was all above.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: But also, I would say I definitely am not alone in this. Usually it's never just happen overnight.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: It's something you felt for a long period of time and from this whisper. Right. Like, this whisper. Until one day it become like shouting. You cannot ignore anymore.

Speaker B: Mhm.

Speaker A: So that's really was my, my journey. And then it's all thanks to Covid, really. I know that also, I'm not the only one. I think you have similar experience.

Speaker B: It's like a time that woke a lot of us up, right? Like where you just are spending so much time by yourself, you're like, wait a second.

Speaker A: Exactly, exactly. Because before that I was living in big city, right? New York City, just constantly hustling, bustling, busy. So even though I had this lot of whisper inside of me, this feels like, ah, this is not it. I'm feeling off. This is, I'm just not that happy. But I could easily get distracted until Covid happened. Nothing, nothing could distract me. You know, Nothing. Um, you know, like. And um. And then that's when I heard the voice. The voice became so loud, I couldn't ignore anymore. That's when everything changed.

Speaker B: Everything changed. Yeah. It's like similar for me, right? Like you were like. All of a sudden, I was working from home, I was working out, I was cooking my own food. I'm like, why am I not feeling any better? Like, this is, this is weird.

Speaker A: This is weird. Yes.

Speaker B: Yeah, this is weird. And then it started, like, start investigating. So with COVID with the getting like a shout, like the, that inner voice, you could finally hear her. What ended up happening? What steps did you take? Or what was the, the like pivot or change in your direction that, that happened?

Speaker A: Yeah, for sure. I love that you, you, you, you made this metaphor of super highway. I was on this super highway.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: I, but I, I, it was um, I was, it was so normal for me. I didn't even know I was living like that. So just imagine super highway, right? What kind of life. Yeah, I was living.

Speaker B: Flying past, right?

Speaker A: Flying past or so. Why? It's just fast. Everything was urgent, urgent, urgent, urgent. And at work we're just constant, this pressure to like, get to the next stop. Get to the next stop. Right. Do the thing.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: And uh, get to the next promotion, get to the next salary increase, get the next recognition. And always just constant hustling on the other side is that I had no idea I, I was driving 100 miles an hour while running empty. Uh, completely empty inside. But outside I was still performing, but no one could see it. I was giving like for everybody else, put, truly put others first. And also wasn't consciously aware just because that's something I was so used to. And I put my boss first. Anything, Anything they ask for. But I never say no. It's like, of course I can do this. Who wants to take this on me? I'm already having like 10 things on my list. I'm like, me, me. Of course, everything's me. Of course. I'm always the best and the favorite one. Right. Uh, and um, at home, my ex partner and you know, we. I was a breadwinner and then. And he wasn't bringing much to the home. But I still had to be the one tolerate everything. You know, I had to always make sure he's happy, wasn't doing things. It wasn't never about me. He's always about him. Right. And with my parents, the same is that I never told them my struggles somehow. It's just always. I don't want to burden them with my challenges. I don't want to. I don't want them to worry about me. So let me just. Every time call them was just such obligation. Have to pretend everything was okay.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: Right. So I just put on a facade. Oh, this car is running so fast. Like, oh, beautiful Porsche.

Speaker B: Right?

Speaker A: But inside performance. Right? M. Performance. But inside was like junk all over.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: And at the same time, no one can help me take care of it. And there's no gasoline. It was just burning the engine. Eventually this becomes so loud is because engine literally said, I cannot keep running like this anymore.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: So that's really the turning point, you know, for me. I sought professional help because at that point I'm like, I read bunch of books and I, um, listened to shitload of podcasts. It wasn't able. I wasn't able to make any change. I felt so stuck. Felt so stuck. And then truly the professional help started with. With this whole journey. And uh, it's not. The change didn't happen overnight either.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: Yeah. I feel like I'm in a scenic route right now. But guess what? Doesn't mean it's all pretty or, you know, rainbow sunshine and unicorns all the time. How knows Too bad, right? But it is that it's no longer that kind of life. I feel like out of control.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: No longer the life that I just feel like. Because on the super highway, you had to move fast, right? You have to move fast because other cars are, uh, behind you, are honking at you, are chasing you. You have to run a certain speed. Right away you feel like, oh my gosh, um, I'm, you know, falling behind that sense. But now in the scenic route, it's like, you know what? I can take my time I can just do a detour. Who cares? I'm not blocking anybody. I'm doing my own way. And um, that really, I think just now I would say calm and alive. I have never experienced this level of calmness because I didn't even know what it was like. I lived in low grade anxiety my whole life. I didn't even know. And now I'm really right. Life is more than just work achievement. Check the boxes. Right. Life. It is actually about living it every day. And do things bring me joy. As simple as just like I'm able to go outside for a walk in the middle of the day. I don't have to be tied to my freaking desk all day.

Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Like, yeah, well, and, and, and they feel like they're simple things, but they can. They are also so profound. Right.

Speaker A: Profound like and significant.

Speaker B: You are allowed to, you know, design the life you actually want to live.

Speaker A: 100. I just be a human and just be a human versus productivity machine.

Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Because we, we like to, you know, we are. Our bodies are an amazing machine, but they also like every machine needs maintenance.

Speaker A: Maintenance 100%.

Speaker B: It's not just like no machine can run 100 of the time.

Speaker A: No.

Speaker B: We expect ourselves. Exactly. To be able to run 100 of

Speaker A: the 100 of time. Yeah, exactly. You also need to nourish. Right. Nourish the machine. The machine. You need to make sure you upgrade. You put oil right. You do other things. Um, versus Aswa, caffeine, lack of sleep, junk food. We still expect the machine to be high performance. Exactly. Like completely just doesn't make any sense.

Speaker B: Yeah. So how did you end up, uh, landing on being an executive coach?

Speaker A: Yeah. Um, Very good question. I felt like that wasn't also, um, wasn't just overnight. I woke up. I'm like, oh, I want to be a coach. Not at all. Because really big part of running on, um, driving on the superhighway was um. I really was just following the flow, meaning the societal family expectations. And I didn't on that. In that process I completely lost myself. I didn't even know what I wanted.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: And then the things I was very corporate work, managing businesses, all of that I was very good at. And I mistook m it for something that I enjoy. But no, that's not the case. Right. The dome.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: Like dome of genius versus dome of excellence. That was my zone of excellence. I could do really well. But did I fully enjoy? No, I didn't. Right. And ultimately now finding this, the work I do now is finding the zone, um, of genius. It's like, oh, feeling more aligned. But that started with me, first of all, getting off the highway so that actually I have time and the bandwidth and capacity to really get to know what feels more aligned with me.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: Because when you are running at that speed, there's no way you can even figure it out. No, right. You cannot all of a sudden change, completely change direction so that you need to have that moment of pause. That was me. Like I started to, um, to spend a lot of weekend evenings walking outside, really just reflecting on my life. One thing I reflected on was like this. 20 years in corporate America, what I did, what did I enjoy the most? And that's when this kind. How do this spark, or when you call it, uh, glimmer, right. The glimmer started to emerge. I'm like, oh, it was never about the revenue, the profit on the new products and the project that launched. It was always about people.

Speaker B: Mhm.

Speaker A: Always about growing and developing my team and also how other people, the leaders, really made a positive impact on me. Right. When I thought about those moments, my heart just felt the warmth and I'm like, oh, that, that is the thing I want to do more of. And that's when I got curious about what is the thing. Oh, it's uh, coaching, uh, can allow me to do more of that. Then that's when I started to know more about what coaching is. I talked to a couple of coach friends and um, and then when they described the kind of life they're living now versus corporate life, I'm like, oh, sign me up, right? Let me. I just, I just bought into that vision, but I still didn't know what coaching was all about. But I'm like, you know, I will never know until I do it. So I enrolled myself in coaching training one year. Coaching training. And that's how it got started. But more than just learning coaching skill, then I realized, oh, in order to become a coach myself, I really need to do the work myself. I really embody the work. And I got so much more personal growth and um, personal development out of this coaching training in addition to, to the skill of becoming a coaching skill. And that's through that process I really got to know me. I'm like, oh, wow, I feel so much more alive doing this work. Work doesn't feel like work anymore. And uh, I'm also, I'm great at this. Right? That's ultimately what I'm going to. You want to have the perfect traffic, right? It is something you enjoy, something you are great at. And also there's demand for it. Mhm. So I just found this thing that I'm like, that's it. I'm gonna do this. But still took me a while to quit my full time job. Like a year and a half I planned. But this is the work that you're doing. Very much. I. For that year and a half, I created my financial freedom. Right. I know that. Okay. In order to. For me to take that leap, the financial security is the foundational piece.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: And then let me get this, let me get this, you know, get this right. Get this all organized and um, feel safe. And only. Only when that happened, you are planning with the numbers, with everything. And then eventually three years ago, I took the leap to become a full time coach.

Speaker B: Beautiful. So were you coaching before you left? Were you doing it part time or.

Speaker A: I. A little bit. But was looking back is really like funny in many ways. I was hiding in the closet because I was so afraid my employer was going to find out what I was doing. What was all in my head. Right. Do you mean was still this good girl in me like, oh, I need to be. I cannot be seen as not committed. I cannot be seen as I have a side hustle. I no side hustle. You know, I need to be very. I'm more dedicated. I have to be very dedicated. Otherwise it's wrong. You know. So I was still in that mode and I only send out like uh, a few emails to my close circle and announced it. And that's how I really side hustle hustled. It was just a very limited. I wish I. Yeah. Now I give people, um, you know, newer coach or they're still incorporated. I'm like, oh, just tell everybody you're a coach. Don't worry about, don't worry about what other people think of you. Yes.

Speaker B: Well. And I feel like now people, lots of people do it, you know.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: On the side or a little consulting. As long as it doesn't conflict with your existing job. Yeah.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: It doesn't exactly not practice. Right. Do the practice before you. 100% you fully commit to something. Yet again I must now I must do this right. Instead of being like, oh, let me just explore this. You know what? Maybe, maybe this isn't exactly the right fit.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: But you get to play in the sandbox and figure out which. Which parts and pieces you really like and work with the people that you really enjoy working with.

Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker B: So I know that you're an executive coach, but you've done a lot of other explorations, and you bring a lot of really interesting other modalities that maybe you wouldn't like. If people think of executive coach, they may not think of that as being part of what you work on.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: So is there any piece that, like, feels most profound or that you've noticed is so helpful for all your clients and for yourself? Cause. Right. You started with yourself first.

Speaker A: Yep. Always a hundred percent. So how I would say people see traditional or typical executive coaching, It's a lot. I would say mindset coaching.

Speaker B: Yep.

Speaker A: Lot about teach you the right. Change the beliefs and also teach you the right leadership skills. Right. All of those things. Those things are absolutely valuable.

Speaker B: Yes.

Speaker A: But what I found was without certain foundational work, you can learn all the skills. But a lot of time you're like, how come I still cannot do it? I know I'm supposed to do this, but I can't. Right. I just cannot bring myself to do that. And, um, that's really where I got stuck. So for the first three years, all the coaching I received was that type of coaching was all about change your beliefs. Like, let's just talk it out. And it helped. Right. It helped me to, uh, get my divorce and helped me to leave corporate America and helped me to definitely come out of my, you know, change from the super highway to the scenic route. It did. But then guess what? When I'm on this scenic route and, um, I'm still feeling anxious all the time, I wasn't enjoying the view. I wasn't smelling the roses.

Speaker B: No.

Speaker A: You know, when I. Okay. When I see a beautiful rose, I was like, oh, smell, you know? No, no, no, I can't. What if. What if this is gonna go away, right? Like, let's say if I get a good. Get a client or make some money down, like, oh, wow, this is good. But it's not enough. I need to make the next one. Right. Always need to chase the next goal to make me feel safe. So this. And then the same thing with the money. Even though in reality and financial, you know, financially, I'm very sound. But somehow, whenever I'm hearing a, uh, no from a potential client will trigger me. Right. I will get into this spiral as a holy. What if I run out of money? Holy. What if I go broke? You know? I mean, completely irrational.

Speaker B: Yeah. But then all of a sudden, scarcity makes it comes up, huh?

Speaker A: Exactly. But it's like, I don't understand. I'm like, I want to have, like, two different voices. Right. One is this logic sound voice. It's like, you're fine, you're good, you're capable. Look at how much you've, uh, accomplished, how, how you survived even to be here. Although, uh, on the other side is like, holy, I'm gonna go broke. Holy, I'm gonna be homeless. Holy, I'm not gonna be okay. Like, I just couldn't reconcile this. But then also I just noticed my body. And every time when I get triggered to spiral and my body, I can just feel the churn in my stomach. I feel my head spinning, I feel my heart racing, right? I'm like, let me, let me do some research about this. I'm like, I. I'm like, there's more work I need to do. So that's when I learned about nervous system, nervous system regulation, system safety, and, um, and all of those things. But it also took me a while to actually do the work. So I was learning about nervous system. I was reading books about it, right, Listening to podcasts about it. So, yeah, learning helped, but really still didn't help address the, the core issue until I just started doing the work myself through somatic practices, literally body based, uh, practices, and also doing, you know, parts work. What are parts work? Internal family system, if you're not familiar with. So that it's so much of what triggered, right, the voice inside of me saying, oh, I'm not gonna be okay. Oh, I'm gonna go broke. Oh my gosh, you know, um, whatever. It's a real. Oh. I realized that's not present voice, it's not my adult voice. It's my younger, young Coco's voice, right? When I felt that when I was six, when I felt that when I was 12, when I felt that when I Was 16, that I overwhelmed, right, had overwhelming experience, never felt it, didn't feel safe, but never brought back to safety. I was just stuck, like, frozen in time. So that's really what I learned. And really through that work is nervous system regulation work. Building the safety in real time and doing the parts work. It's a truly repair, right? Repair the old wound so that I'm not stuck in the past anymore. And that become the, really the foundation of my coaching approach. Because only when I do that work, I remember, um, when I feel safe, when I feel I'm supported, then I'm ready, then I'm ready to receive, you know, to believe different things and to go out to the world and do big things and to become a better leader and to, to apply all the leadership strategies that I've learned. But without a foundation, then it's it's a, it can be very limited. Right. You're like, I want to do it, but somehow I can't. So that is truly, I would say, um, last, yeah, last couple years like the. To embodied learning and informed my new approach.

Speaker B: Beautiful. Yeah. It's so curious when you do this work, like how much of what used to protect you as a child or as a young person has like stayed and stays like tries to control the situation from um, that knowledge of childhood. Right.

Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker B: It's just. And how. I listened to a podcast of course, fairly recently and it's a, it was very curious because he was talking about how you may want something but your subconscious is like, well, this is act, uh, this thing is actually unsafe. Well, until you convince that little, little you or the subconscious that no, this thing is either attainable, safe or whatever, you're, you're going to be driving it away even as you're saying that you really want it.

Speaker A: One is 100. 100, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker B: Which is so interesting. Right? Like, especially if I don't know what your clients come to you for typically like what are the. Are their goals. But I would imagine there's some interesting blocks, right, that it's like I've been trying to get to here forever and I just can't seem to. And it's like something, something inside is happening that's like pulling you back.

Speaker A: Exactly, exactly. Right. That's what people refer to as self sabotaging.

Speaker B: Yes.

Speaker A: Right. It's like, oh, I want this thing, but somehow I just cannot get myself to do this thing or even do the opposite thing. And in reality it's not self sabotaging. It's truly. It's a survival. Right. It's a survival protective mechanism that had worked. Right. It worked when we were younger, but now it's still trying to protect you. But then it's not very effective anymore. It usually is counterproductive. Right. So I can give you example of my clients in some of the common challenges they face. And they are all very high achieving corporate leaders, very successful and um, a lot of times is that they feel like they're always do they always do so much, but they're not necessarily getting the support they need. Yes, I have. You felt that. It's like, yes, you take on everything. Right. But I'm like, you're not getting the support. So then what happens is that they're not getting the support. They're like, oh, then they're truly. When we get to the bottom of it, we realize they are Uncomfortable, um, to ask for support.

Speaker B: Yes.

Speaker A: Right. When is the two things. When it is they take on too much because it's always raise their hand. Well, who wants to volunteer or who wants to take on this? And me, me, me, me, me. Right. Always 120, always give 120. Because this, this desire to always prove your worth, we don't even realize that's what we're doing. It's, it's when you are over extending yourself in that way, it always feels like uh, I need to do more to prove that I'm worthy. Right. I'm valuable. So that's one pattern is playing out. And the other one is that you have a lot on your plate. You realize you're unsupported. Then you want, you don't feel comfortable asking for support or you're asking for it, but you're hedging it, you soften it, you're doubting yourself. Oh, am I asking for too much? Right. Then of course you don't come across as, you know, with conviction. Then people are not going to hear you. Then people are like, people can ignore you. Oh, I guess she doesn't really need the support if she kind of asking in a soft way. Right. So that's really what's happening. Ah, ask, uh, you didn't really act as you thought you did. So that's really what it is. Like they're so capable, but they're getting to a place. They're like, oh my gosh, it's just too much. But they don't realize is their protective patterns. Right. All their good girl patterns keep them there. So in order say, oh, I need to change my boss, change the company, change the culture. No, it's about change you. How you are showing up in the workplace.

Speaker B: Yeah, that's uh, so that's a powerful mindset.

Speaker A: Shift.

Speaker B: And also like deeply within yourself shift.

Speaker A: So you have, you have to feel safe enough not to prove yourself all the time. You need to feel safe enough to ask clearly, loudly, unapologetically. Uh, right. So it is really about once you have that internal safety, it's like, you know what, I'm not gonna get fired for asking. You know, I'm not going to upset other people by asking. Even they get upset. So what, this is valid ask. Then you learn how to ask in a uh, strategic way.

Speaker B: Mhm.

Speaker A: Right. But if you just learn how to ask, say the right thing, oh, you need to talk to this person. Then this person say this thing, this thing first. But guess what, if you don't have that Internal safety in the moment of. You cannot execute those things. You're just panicking. You're like rumble. You can't even see. Say it out.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: So that's why these two need to go hand in hand. Right? Yeah. So yeah, yeah.

Speaker B: I think it's a powerful thing that. What I think you're saying, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that you're working on this mindset. You're working on the feeling of safety within yourself, but you also are working on like the skills, the strategic pieces of how to talk to your leadership. How to bring something up in a strategic way so that it is heard.

Speaker A: Yes.

Speaker B: In the right way.

Speaker A: Yes, you do. All of those need to go, go, go together. But it's start with the foundation. Right. You can, I can never teach them the strategic approach without having the internal safety first.

Speaker B: Right, right. It's like the, that if, if you have that underlying money stress or anxiety like we've, like we've. Yeah, you've already talked about. Right. The foundation is unstable. Well then you're not going to like optimize the rest of your life if you're, you're always like trying to balance yourself because that uh, maybe money is the thing that is creating that instability in your life or.

Speaker A: Mhm.

Speaker B: It can be something completely different.

Speaker A: Exactly.

Speaker B: Beautiful. So is there anything new that you're excited about, excited about right now? Like whether it's a new learning for yourself or a new thing you're building. Is that or is there anything fun?

Speaker A: Yeah, well, absolutely. Literally fun. It's like, you know what? This is something I wasn't doing consciously until recently. Which is my thing is what brings me most joy in life, which is dancing. And I'm going, I'm going to Buenos Aires in few days and for three weeks just to dance tango. No. Wow. Yes. Yes. Uh, yes. Uh, yes. So this is like. I didn't know that, you know, I, I really, you know, I had a very, I was overall pretty tough upbringing and. But I normalized it, you know, it was like. Anyhow, so in my 20s I was in uh, Shanghai and, and was also cut. Very cutthroat competitive environment, you know, with their. On my own, climbing the corporate ladder. But somehow, you know, I started dancing very seriously. So I was going out dancing five nights a week. Like when I do something, I, I just go all in. Right. And I didn't know how much of the dancing and the movement in my life throughout all the years, I would say many, many kept me alive that I was able to survive. That's such an intense years of my life. But I was doing it was just um, um, you know, I mean like unaware. It's just something kind of like draw me to it. But I wasn't intentionally choosing to do it because I know it would really help.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: But now knowing that, knowing that I'm so intentional about it. I'm so intentional about it is that I. I go out dancing twice a week when I'm here. And then um, I go to exactly this dancing dance vacations. Also I go to monthly dance conventions. Like four days, we can just dance. And I put it on the calendar first and then um, arrange my work around it versus the other way. Because there's quite of many years of my life. What's the other way? It's like, oh, let me focus on work, prioritize work, prioritize other people, whatever the left over time I have, then let me go out there right then a lot of times I end up not going or too exhausted to go. But now I'm like, you know what? Joy. This joy is my fuel. It's my fuel for doing the good work. You know, I mean performance or right. Doing good work in, in the world. But it's by, it's by literally that's my. The gas in my tank. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker B: That's amazing. Oh, how fun. That is so fun. And like that is such an amazing like message to share as well that you, you have found Argentine tango as like the law. This thing that you love. And you organize your work schedule on prioritizing this time for yourself.

Speaker A: Mhm.

Speaker B: Right. This thing that you love.

Speaker A: Yes, 100%. Yeah, 100%. Because that's the thing. A lot of all of us, right, we're like, uh, ah, that's frivolous. How do I have time? I don't have time for that. Right. Lord. And I just don't have time for that. It's like, oh. But this is what I realized is that when after, right for let's say two hours dancing, whatever, right? That is, when I come back, it's truly a um, major reset for my whole system. My brain is rested, my nervous system is rested. And also I what I needed to search also I connecting with other people, it's more than just right, physical activity. It's a social activity. It's a brain, body, nervous system reset. So always, always the next day I come, I uh, return to work. I just feel so much more energy. I think more clearly, I have more creative ideas and I do things much faster. Right. We all have experiences. Like the long to do list in front of you, staring at it or like, I don't want to do this. You're like pushing yourself. Dreading, dreading, dreading. Hours pass by, still not done, right?

Speaker B: Mhm.

Speaker A: But every time after dancing, I look the list. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Knock it out. Usually take five hours, would take like an hour. So that saved four hours right there, right? Okay, screw the two hour dance. I still saved me two extra hours. Literally you have to do math. That's really how it works. So truly now, every day, um, my number one priority is my nervous system regulation. I spend an hour walking by the ocean. I spend one hour doing very mindful movement. I don't do any crazy, uh, sports anymore. I used to do CrossFit. Just too intense on the body, you know. I mean, just too much adrenaline activation, nervous system. Now I do something different. So I meditate for half an hour, right. I dance so average four hours a day. My nervous system, when I feel calm, when I feel alive. And um, I only work five hours. Five, more or less five hours focused work, really focused work. Five hours. That's it. That's all you need. And the old way of working is 10, 12 hours days, right. In corporate days. And then we, we think it's insane. That's not how our beauty bodies build. Half of the time my brain was foggy, right. I had to push through. And then it's. And also my body, my brain doesn't actually get full rest. So it was never in its optimal performance condition.

Speaker B: Mhm.

Speaker A: So it just feels like just we've been taught wrong or so in that environment, sometimes it's a little bit harder, right. Obviously it's very hard. If I still work in corporate, it's hard to take four hours to really do that. But you don't have to do four hours, right? This is what I do full time, you know. But you don't have to do four hours even just do smaller. They intentionally start the morning. Start the morning. Rather than just checking your email and send messages, just go outside, take a walk, right? Sit in your garden, drink a cup of tea without checking your phone. Just that, uh, 20 minutes can make a huge difference for your day. And this is science or something like this is not woo woo shit, you know, this is literally science. Like let's all study some neuroscience. I'm um, right, yes, well, and I

Speaker B: think there's also even science now that says that dancing is one of the best ways to bring your nervous system into rest and like, into alignment. There's a reason that there's dance in, like, every culture, right? Uh, yes, exactly. For, like, ceremonial dancing, for, uh, turning of the seasons, for weddings, for whatever else. There's a reason, and it's exactly the things that we're talking about. But, I mean, it even works if you just play a song and dance around, take a break, move your body. Like, body movement. Like, that can be so powerful.

Speaker A: Yes, exactly. Yeah. Because the time when I don't go out, uh, you know, to take classes or social dancing, I literally said before our recording, that's what I did. I played a song and I just moved my body. You don't have to be dancing, dancing sometimes. Oh, I don't know how to dance. I'm like, no, bullshit. Everybody knows how to move your body. Just move your body with music.

Speaker B: That's it. Just watch. Like a toddler, right? They just jump around and wave their arms and legs and it.

Speaker A: It's amazing. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, that's us, right? Every single one of us were that toddler at some point in our life. And then guess. Ah, what Then we got conditioned out of it, right? Then we were like, uh, you don't have time to say, oh, you look. You look. You look crazy. Oh, you look weird. Oh, uh, right. Then you would start like, I don't want to do that. I, uh, don't feel comfortable. I'm embarrassed. Exactly. Like, no, go back. Go back to be a toddler.

Speaker B: Yes. No self consciousness. Just feeling good in your body. Doing what feels good.

Speaker A: Yes.

Speaker B: Yeah, that's amazing. So as we wrap this up, uh, is there anything that you wish I had asked you that we haven't talked about?

Speaker A: I. Yeah, I guess I just want you to emphasize one point. And, um, which is I think a lot of people find that trap, which I did, too, I alluded to earlier, which is reading books, listening to podcasts like this. Absolutely. Very, very helpful. But that's not enough. If you really wanted to create real and lasting change, and it's truly by doing the work. Doing the work. I think start with. I'm, um, I'm. It doesn't mean you have to work with you, Victoria or me, but I'm saying it's essential to start to do the work with someone because so much just like many skill, you know, all the things that we, uh, talk about that most people struggle with on. Right. Why just stuck in the super highway. It's because the skills that we never learned, right? How to regulate our nervousness, how to regulate our emotions, and how to manage anxiety, how to manage money, and all of, uh, skills that we never learned. And, um, the learn the things that we should have learned when we were so much younger, we need someone to teach us to do it first, then we can do it alone. So that's what we call, you know, this, like co regulation or empathic, um, witness to your experience. So you literally need someone to be there, guide you and support you. So that's why, for me, I still have my coach today. I still do the work. I want my coach. It's not because I have to have her. It's because it's. That's how our system is built. Right. Then you can get there faster also. So this is what I encourage people, is that. Watch this, listen to this. Absolutely. But also when you. When you're ready to truly make real changes in your life and find someone to guide you, to help you, then you can do this on your own, you know, soon after, then you don't feel you. Why it's still not changing. Why would I go? I'm reading all these hundreds of books. You listen to thousands of hours of podcasts. Why I'm still here, why I'm still stuck. Right. That feeling feels terrible. I've been there. Right. I don't want you that. It's just like, you're not doing it the right way. The right way it is about, okay, consuming information, but at the same time, it's about doing the real work. You need to actually experience it. Experience it by someone who's experienced, who has the professional, you know, expertise to support you and guide you on this process.

Speaker B: Right. Because I think I feel like the books and podcasts, like, for me, they were almost like a gateway drug. Right. Like they open your mind to the possibilities. But it is so hard to, like, exactly what you said, implement something new. Right. Doing a new skill, trying to do it m. Without somebody walking you through. Even if something feels so sad, simple and straightforward, like being in community, whether it's individually or with a group, or however it is, right. Where you're holding each other accountable, you get to see your experience is similar, maybe a little different. You're bringing your own wisdom, they're bringing theirs is so profound. And why, like, it can be so valuable to work with a coach or a therapist. Right. If it feels more. More acute.

Speaker A: Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker B: And some other little thought, but poof, gone.

Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I want to use this analogy. You can never learn how to ride a bicycle by reading books and listening to podcasts. You literally have to get on the bike, right? You need to get on the bike and get on the bike. It's uncomfortable, right? Initially, very uncomfortable. And it's, it's you. You know, when I learned how to bike, I had. My uncle taught me how to ride a bike and he, you know, we didn't back then we. Or even just like wheel, right. Right now have. What were those called? Like, um, with the wheels, whatever. Those like, uh, training wheels. Training wheels, exactly. When I was growing up, the bicycles, you know, there was no training wells. Try. You like, literally need someone to help you to get on the bike and support you, you know, and now there's at least a training, but still, right. There's a support structure, right. So you need to get on the bike, you need to feel supported. I need to need to people guide you, say, hey, this is where you're supposed to go, right? You're not supposed to do this to that. So it's the same. It's like you cannot just um, yeah, you cannot change by cognitive processing just by learning. You need to actually doing and living it, experiencing it. And um, you, you cannot do it alone. Really. You cannot do it alone. You need to find a community one, one way or the other, whatever is the right fit for you.

Speaker B: Beautiful. Thank you so much, Coco. Thank you for sharing all this amazing wisdom. Uh, and if people want to reach out to you or follow you, learn more. How do they, uh, find you?

Speaker A: Well, they can find me on my website, cocodwencoaching.com and social media. Yeah, the social media where I'm, I'm active on. It's LinkedIn.

Speaker B: Okay, good.

Speaker A: Yeah, find me there. Amazing. M. If this conversation resonated with you and you wanted to go from super highway, the kind of life that you are living now, just a lot of doing, hustling and pushing through, feeling a lot of stress and pressure to a life that is truly on your terms, where you feel fulfilled, free and alive. And I'd love to support you. And I make the next step very simple. I offer one hour free consultation and on this call we're just going to focus on you and where you are now, where you want to go, and what are the good girl patterns holding you back. And I'm going to give you a personalized support plan. And if we decide to work together, I will be honored. But for whatever reason we don't, you are still going to walk away with something powerful. And you can use the link in the show note to schedule your call. And I'm very looking forward to connecting with you. Have a wonderful rest of the week, and I'll see you next week. Bye.