160. When Wanting More Turns Into Power Struggles

Speaker A: Hello, and welcome to Respected and Connected, a podcast for couples who love each other but don't always like how it goes. When things get hard, we talk about how to stop turning conflict into power struggles and start handling real issues as a team without blowing up, shutting down, or tiptoeing around the truth. If you want your relationship to work better and you know that moving through conflict together is better than avoiding your issues to keep the peace, you're in the right place. Real partnership is possible.

Speaker B: Let's talk about what that actually takes. I feel like right now the conversation that's most relevant is what I'm going to share with you today. And this is what happens. I have women coming into my office with their husbands, and they're wanting more from their relationship. They're wanting a more equitable partnership. They're wanting someone who can contribute more to household chores, to childcare, to the mental load, and they're wanting somebody who's a little bit more emotionally invested in their relationship. So they're carrying a lot, and they're asking for more. And they're often being met with quite a bit of defensiveness, resistance, maybe minimization. This isn't as bad as you think it is. I'm actually doing way better than you say I am. So there's this power struggle playing out in my office every single week. I think the thing that makes it even harder is not just I want more from my relationship and my partner isn't giving it to me, and all of these voices are telling me this is how it should be. And so I'm even more angry and upset that it's not working than I would be about anything else. Not only do men have higher pay in the workplace and more opportunities professionally, but they also are kind of given a pass at home. So we're seeing all of this play out culturally in the narrative around what women should want and expect and deserve, both at work and at home. And then we're trying to have these conversations with our partners. We're trying to talk about how to make it happen, and we're being met with a lot of resistance. So a lot of these women come to me. They're very angry, but then there's also this layer of shame underneath that, you know, society is telling me I'm right to want this, that it's good for me to raise my expectations and it's okay for me to have higher standards and I should want that. And it's not happening. So maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I picked the Wrong partner. Maybe he doesn't care about me as much as these other men who seem to be doing partnership better must care about their partners. So we're carrying a lot of anger and shame, especially around these particular topics in our relationships. So if you're thinking, ugh, uh, I want more for my relationship and it's not happening, what can I do? This episode is for you. If you go out into the world and ask for help on this issue, you're probably going to get a few different pieces of advice. One is just tell him how it is, instruct him, just train your partner, give him the correct instructions and he'll follow along, he'll get it and he'll come through. That doesn't always work. Obviously, that's why you're listening to this today. You know, it doesn't work, not for every single couple. And the fact that it works for some couples and not others can be the most painful part. I remember reading this in John Gottman's book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. One M of those principles is to accept your partner's influence. And what he said in the book is, over his 40 plus years of research, he's found that about 2/3 of men are really terrible at accepting their wives influence and this is destructive in relationships. That statistic is kind of maddening. But it also was a little bit reassuring to me because I realized, you know what, I am just 1 of 2/3 of women who is struggling with this. And what I took from that, probably because I'm a pretty determined, problem solving kind of person, is it's not my fault that this is happening, but there are probably some things that I can do to be more influential in my relationship. And that's what I want to talk about today is how do you cut through the middle of, I'm not going to throw a fit and get angry and use anger to get my way. It doesn't work. It only works short term when it does work. So getting angry, getting really demanding, using this power over control strategy to get what I want in my marriage isn't going to work long term. But also the other side of just deciding, you know what, this is just how marriage is. I need to tolerate it, I need to accommodate, I need to accept it or completely walk away. Maybe there's another way, a better way to be influential in my marriage in a relational way. So I want to talk about a few of the shifts that you can make to find that middle ground, that pathway that's loving and also strong at the same Time. The first shift that I recommend you make is to drop the moral high ground. If you're a woman reading a lot of these more feminist leaning viewpoints, we can get a lot of a sense of moral superiority in this position. I was just having this conversation with a client today because she was really struggling with trying to work out an issue with, with her husband. And she was like, it's just not right. And I said, being the moral authority in your relationship is a losing strategy. The winning strategy is, this isn't good for me. This is not okay with me. This is not working for me. I want us to figure out a better way together. I want us to figure out something that works for both of us. So when you drop that moral high ground, that moral superiority that almost always creates defensiveness, I want you to, instead of focusing on right or wrong, focus on what's not working. And one of the things that I also encourage my clients who are struggling with this to do is to not just expect them to notice what needs to be done and do it, to talk through, like, okay, you're going to be responsible for putting the kids to bed tonight. I'm going to be responsible for cooking dinner. You're going to be responsible for cleanup. This is what it looks like. So drop the moral high ground. It's not about, like, I'm doing more, so I deserve something for that. Just drop that and focus on, uh, what's not working. And the next shift I want to talk about is separating your partner from the system. Sometimes I see this and I know I've done it to my husband too, and maybe to other men, is to separate your beef with the patriarchy from your beef with your partner. Sometimes we bring in all of our grievances about how unfair things have been for us and for women in general. And our partner is the easiest target to direct all of that. So we are, we're fighting a system. And also we have to recognize that our partner maybe as entitled and selfish and clueless as he can seem sometimes. He is not the entire system. He's influenced by it just as we are. So if you treat him like he's the problem, if you treat him like he has to be like the perfect man who rises above all of patriarchy and is the perfect partner, you're going to be disappointed and he's going to feel attacked and defensive and like nothing he ever does is good enough. So just remember, like, when you're bringing this all home into your families, you're not here to fix the patriarchy you're here to create a better relationship and hopefully model something healthier for your kids. So I'm here to create a better relationship. When I'm with my partner in the walls of my own home, I'm focused on that just as much as anything else. Because intimate connection heals. It's the only thing that really works to heal this messed up system that we're in. And the next shift I want to talk about is moving from protest to request. Gottman says to shift from criticism to complaint. But in relational life therapy, we say to shift from complaint to request. A lot of times we're seeing these issues that are gender based issues and common conflicts between men and women. We're bringing a lot of fighting energy into this. That kind of fight debate type energy might work out in the workplace, in the world. It doesn't work at home because we're trying to be an intimate partner. A place where you're telling your partner, I see you, I care about you, I have your back and I accept you. And so that fighting energy, that protesting energy, that moral superiority, is not going to create a biosphere where that can happen. Making requests is your secret weapon, how you can be most influential in your marriage. So protest energy. What women are being told is, uh, the empowered way to be is things like you should already know. Men should be functioning adults. They should already know what to do. And if you have to ask your husband for what you want, then that's a problem. So a request would sound more like, can we work on this? Can we talk about how we share this responsibility? If you want something that's a little bit more ambiguous and emotional, this is a request that I've made to my husband. You know, I was talking about some difficulties that I was having with my daughter and he was like, you know, it's because you do this, you're creating your own problem. And rather than tell him he was being an insensitive jerk, I said, hey, when I come to you with this, what I'm really looking for is some support and reassurance. So when I come to you and I'm having a hard time with our daughter, could you just say, yeah, she can be really difficult sometimes. I have a hard time with that too. That's what I'm looking for in those moments is some reassurance, not some, um, pointing out of what I'm doing wrong to create my own problem. I'm a lot more open to talking through that part of the conversation when I know that you have my back and you're supporting me and you show that you understand that parenting is hard. So that's what I'm looking for. And that's what shifting from protest to request looks like. So make requests, be specific about what you're looking for, and make your request inviting. Most people are much more able to hear, this would work better for me than, this is how you're messing up. I understand also that asking for what you want is much more vulnerable than complaining. Let's just recognize that we're doing the harder work of being more mature and balanced in our relationships and what we're asking for. So the next shift is to regulate before you relate. We've got these patterns in our relationships, and so when something happens that, ah, at, ah, face value, it's relatively small, it can feel really huge because of all of the history and frustration that we've been dealing with. So we can tend to kind of bottle things up and then blow up on a seemingly small issue. So what I'm saying, when I say regulate before you relate, it's to don't let a small moment completely blow things out of the water. Slow down, choose your moment. You know, kind of check in with yourself. Am, um, I in a place where I can really speak to make things better, or am I feeling urgent to just get something off my chest before I lose it? Speak from the part of you that actually wants to make things better. What you get when you work on this is conversations are not going to escalate as quickly. Your partner's gonna be less defensive and more engaged. They're gonna feel more empowered to give you what you want, which is always a more functional way than punishing them for what you're not getting. Uh, you're gonna feel more grounded and just secure in how you're showing up. And you're gonna create an environment in your relationship where there's more honesty and more connection, where you're not enemies, but you're on the same team. So as we kind of wrap things up today, I just want to remind you that when you want more for your relationship, more of what is good for you and the relationship that's not wrong. But often we go about getting that in a way that doesn't work. And again, just because it doesn't work doesn't mean it's inherently wrong. It's just not working for you and your relationship. If you have a partner that is a little bit more resistant to hearing you out and working with you to improve your relationship, you're not somehow inherently flawed. So you don't have to choose between having standards and having a connected relationship, but you do get to choose how you approach it in a way that you can be more influential and that you can draw your partner in to working with you instead of working against you. So that's what I have for you today. If you relate to this and you're struggling to work through it on your own, feel free to reach out. This is what I'm doing. Like I'm saying, this is what I'm dealing with on a weekly basis in my office. And I know that a lot of us need help with this because it is not what we're being taught in society right now. We're being taught to fight for what we want and not to work with the people in our sphere to make things better for everyone. That's my hope for where we can go with this.

Speaker A: Thanks for listening to Respected and Connected. Remember, real partnership isn't about doing more or getting it perfect. It's about how you handle yourself when things go sideways. If you're ready to stop rehashing the same issues and start creating real change, you'll find ways to work with me in the show notes. I'm so glad you're here and I'll

Speaker B: see you next time.