156. How to Feel Less Disappointed, and More Appreciated During the Holidays

Speaker A: Foreign

Speaker B: as you're recovering from the busyness of the holidays, are you also feeling a little bit disappointed by the lack

Speaker A: of effort your loved ones put into giving you gifts and showing their appreciation for you? This is a common sentiment, especially among

Speaker B: women, and how they cope with it can take on many forms, from outright anger to. To jokes about how dumb and incompetent

Speaker A: men are, to just feeling upset and defeated.

Speaker B: Today, I want to unpack this plight a little bit more deeply and go

Speaker A: beyond the surface level platitudes and advice to talk about what's really going on

Speaker B: and what you can do about it. So let's dive in and talk about how to feel less angry and more appreciated during the holidays. And before we get into that topic specifically, I just want to remind you all that after the next episode. So this is our second to last episode before we're going to be taking a little bit of a break from the podcast. I haven't determined exactly how long that's going to be. I'm hoping we'll be back by the second quarter of 2025. But like I shared in the last episode, I've just had a lot going on and I've had to just reevaluate how I'm spending my time. As sad as I am about putting the podcast on hold, I know that it's the right thing for me and this phase of, of, uh, this phase of life and business that I'm in right now. So what I'm going to ask from all of you as we're on this break is if you want to keep in touch with me, please click the link in the Show Notes to subscribe to my email list. Follow me on Instagram. I'm not disappearing altogether. I'm just taking a break from the podcast. And also the final ask that I have for you is if this podcast has been meaningful to you, please reach

Speaker A: out and let me know.

Speaker B: And let me know what, what you'd like to hear in the future, because I am planning to be back, um, after I get a few other things settled and taken care of. So once again, let's dive in and talk about how to feel less angry and more appreciated during the holidays. And the first thing I want to tell you, anyone who's feeling this way, who's feeling like I pick out all the gifts, I think about what everyone needs. I think about what would be most thoughtful and most meaningful for everyone. And I. My family is not doing the same for me, and they're not even showing appreciation for the effort that I'm putting into this. And I want to first say, if you're in this situation, it's not just you. This is a systemic problem for so many women. Our patriarchal capitalist system doesn't support healthy interpersonal relationships. We teach women that to be endlessly giving to the point of martyrdom is the ideal way to be a woman. And if you've woken up to the fact that that isn't working for you, um, you're not alone. It's a common experience for many women. And we haven't really been taught as women or really human beings how to address some of these concerns, how to create more relationships, relationships that are based more on reciprocity and give and take. You know, the old relational model where the man provides and the woman stays home and maintains the home and supports the man who provides. That is not the reality for most people, um, in today's world, but the skills and tools for changing the way we relate to each other have not really been well established and well developed. So it's not you, it's not a personal failing of yours that your family doesn't appreciate you and doesn't think of you. Um, especially during this time of the holidays. It's a common dynamic in many families. It's not just you. And especially for those of us who are over giving over functioners, I happen to be an over functioner in recovery as well. Um, there was probably somewhere along the line in your development where you learned that relationships are earned and that the more you give and perform, the more you deserve from the relationship. And that is not how healthy relationships function. I know for a long time, me personally, you know, whenever I wasn't getting what I wanted from the relationship, I thought, oh, if I just step it up a little bit more, then people will notice and they'll appreciate it and they'll reciprocate it. That is not how relationships work. Most people are going to default to thinking that things are okay unless they are told otherwise. But what we're taught in this system of relating to each other is that speaking up and asking for what we want is not an acceptable way to address our challenges. So we, we tend to, you know, kind of go around feeling overburdened, overextended, like we're giving too much in the relationship until we reach a breaking point. And at that point, then we go into the angry, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm fed up, I'm going on strike. You give me what I deserve or else. And there's no real healthy middle ground between being a doormat and being a bitch, for lack of a better, better word. But I want to help you kind of move to the center, um, of those two positions, what I would consider a healthy position within this dynamic that has been created probably not only in your family system, but in many family systems. So what I hear often, you know, I saw a woman on Facebook sharing in a Facebook group this and. And many other women chiming in and saying, yes, this is me too. And she said, I have eight children, 20 grandchildren, a couple of great grandchildren. I've spent thousands of dollars picking out gifts for all of them. We had a big activity as a family where we played games, and I gave away money, and I didn't receive a single gift or a single thank you. And so many women were like, oh, yes, my. Me too. Did we raise ungrateful kits? Being grateful is, you know, a bare minimum requirement of what an adult should give to their adult parent. You know, so we. We get into this should part of things too. Like, oh, they should be more grateful. You should step back and not give as much. Should, should, should, should. And I. I just want to break down what most people are trying and why it doesn't work. So the first one, this one has, personally, the most frustrating for me is when people say, oh, this is just the way that it is, or this is the way it ought to be. Um, women need to just accept that this is their role, especially the grand, the mothers and the grandmothers. This is just the role that you play in your family. So suck it up and deal with it. I don't think it has to be that way, but I also understand why people would want to choose that route. And I do believe that if you're able to give a lot without resentment and without feeling any discomfort over that, then maybe nothing needs to change for you. M. But I'm speaking to the people today who are feeling resentment, they're feeling unappreciated, they're feeling like they really would like more reciprocation in their relationships. So it's not just the way it is and it's not the way it ought to be. Um, people who are really intent on working on their relationships and creating more balance and reciprocity in their relationships should feel a lot of hope that that is possible. Um, it's not like a biological difference between men and women or between mothers and children that create this dynamic. It's a systemic dynamic created, again, by this patriarchal, capitalistic culture that we live in. So you don't have to accept that this is just the way it is or the way it should be. Uh, or that as a woman it's my role to just be endlessly giving without accepting anything in return. Um, the other thing that often people try is what I call passive aggressive distancing. So the reason why it's passive aggressive is because you don't clearly and directly say, like, hey, I'm feeling really unappreciated. I feel like I'm giving a lot and I'm not receiving anything. And I think it's best for me and our relationship for me to step back and do less. Um, we just step back and then we hope people will notice and step in and ask what's wrong? Or, you know, it's kind of a way of, of maybe pouting or hind dropping or oh, maybe if I just quit showing up, they'll wonder what's wrong. And again, I want to go back to this statement. You know, most people are going to assume that nothing's wrong unless you say something. And most people are going to feel attacked if you withdraw in a passive aggressive way and you don't explain why, you don't state your true feelings and give them the opportunity to respond to that in a healthy and mature way. So again, I understand why it happens. We can be really uncomfortable to have these kind of conversations, these more honest, vulnerable conversations. And so we might resort to passive aggressive distancing because we don't think there's any other way to handle this. Um, but it's going to create more tension in your relationships if you go that route, or it's just going to dissolve a relationship that maybe could be resolved with some healthy, honest communication. Um, the other one that I see is I put in my notes trying to, quote, buy love and gratitude by doing more. I talked about how I'm somebody who has done that a lot. You know, I'm somebody who kind of maybe overthinks relationships that aren't working and studies and studies and analyzes. What could I do to do more, um, to make this relationship work better? I actually had a pretty painful experience happen in the past year where I kind of saw myself doing this. Oh, what mistakes that I made that led to this interaction going so badly? And what can I do to prove that I'm a good person and that I don't deserve to be treated this way? So I was kind of trying to buy or earn a different kind of relationship without really speaking up and maybe asking this other person to be a little bit more accountable for how they were behaving in their relationship.

Speaker A: Thanks so much for listening to the respected and connected podcast.

Speaker B: It means the world to me that

Speaker A: you are here and that you, you care about having healthy, satisfying relationships. My husband and I were just talking the other day about the progress we've made in our marriage and how some of the things we worked through we could not have done without outside help. As a couples coach, I'm a huge advocate for getting help with your relationship anytime you're feeling stuck. And I've also always been the one encouraging a reluctant partner to come to coaching or therapy, a course or a retreat with me. If you're interested in working with a coach or therapist and you don't know exactly how to bring it up without getting brushed off or getting into an argument about what the problem is and who is responsible for it, click the link in the show notes for my free guide on how to approach your partner about couples work. I've been there before, many times, and I'm sure you'll get some useful insights on how to approach this important conversation with confidence. So click the link in the show notes to get my free guide on how to talk to your partner about doing couples work.

Speaker B: And then the last one that I hear often, you know, it's when women say, oh, well, nobody ever listens until I get mad. Um, nobody changes until I lose my temperature. Um, the thing that happens when we get angry, if we're with people who do respond and step up to our anger, um, it's always short lived and it's not heartfelt, it's not for the good of the relationship. It's because they don't want to experience your anger. So it doesn't last and it doesn't create stronger relationships. I tried this really early on in my marriage because this was kind of the tactic that was modeled for me and my family growing up. And I very quickly learned that my husband was not the kind of person who responded to anger by, you know, stepping up and saying, oh, what can I do to make it better? Um, either overtly or more, you know, less direct. He just wasn't that way. And honestly, it was a blessing to me because it taught me that I have to learn a different way to feel heard in this relationship without getting angry. So we've talked about a few things that don't really work. Um, they're often commonly advised in some of these groups, especially though this is just the way it is, or maybe you should go on strike and just, um, withhold in this relationship without being a little bit more explicit and giving people an opportunity to work with you on this. Um, but it doesn't create stronger, healthier relationships. And if having stronger, healthier relationships is what you really want, then here are a few things that you could try that might work better. Um, so we kind of talked about what we might call in the RLT lingo as losing strategies. Um, here are a few of the winning strategies. The very first one, and this is something I work with my clients on all the time, is daring to rock the boat. And daring to rock the boat is much different than getting angry. It's much different than, um, trying to earn a relationship. It's from a position, from a healthy position, seeing yourself and the other person in the same as position with healthy self esteem, which we call, you know, a warm regard for myself and for them. I dare to rock the boat because I know that to have a healthy relationship, sometimes I have to be willing to risk it. I have to be honest. Even if I'm afraid that they might retaliate, even if I'm afraid that I don't know exactly how to stand up for myself, even if I'm afraid that working hard and having nothing change is going to lead to even more disappointment and frustration, and even if I'm afraid that the relationship could end, I know because I hold myself in warm regard and I hold them in warm regard, that not addressing this issue that's causing me so much pain is not going to support the healthy kind of relationship that I want. So we dare to rock the boat. Um, we look at the possible consequences of acting or not acting. You know, if I don't do anything about this, what's this relationship going to look like five years from now? Am I still going to be resentful because I'm planning all the gifts and the events and the moments of connection and they're not reciprocating. Am I creating this sense of false entitlement within this other person that by not speaking up and them thinking that nothing's wrong, they aren't even aware that their entitled, selfish behavior is damaging? So I'm taking a risk to speak up. And if you feel like it's worth it, then you should definitely go for it. If you feel like it's not worth it, then that might be a time to evaluate how close can I really be to a person who interacts with me in this way. And that's been another really hard lesson, um, that I've had to really learn these past few years. Is in order to be in a more honest and authentic relationship, maybe I have to be more distant from this person, maybe I have to invest less in this relationship because they're just not in a position to invest in the relationship and connect with me in the way that I would prefer. So, um, I actually just shared this in a group coaching, um, session that I was in with a coach that I'm working with. This kind of learning of mine that, you know, intimate relationships are about the capacity of each person to be intimate and if that other person just isn't in a position to be that way, and I've made some efforts to speak up, to have some of these more healthy dialogues and it's just not going anywhere. Can I accept that this is just going to be, ah, a more distant and superficial relationship than I would prefer it to be? Um, so dare to rock the boat. Dare to speak up if you need some help having these healthy conversations. That is a great thing to reach out to a great coach or therapist on. And I am accepting new clients and this is something that I help people with. Um, the next thing to do in this situation is just to kind of reflect on how you're managing your emotions. Um, am I trying to get other people to manage my emotions for me by telling them what they should do? Um, by getting angry or by completely withdrawing from the relationship? Can I kind of self reflect on what's going on, why I feel the way I do? Um, I also coach my clients often on doing a little bit of self compassion and self validation to kind of, um, get those emotions to kind of a realistic level. Given that whatever the violation is, rather than overreacting or not reacting at all, you know, it's reasonable to feel hurt and unappreciated when you put a bunch of effort into taking into considering everyone else's wants and needs for Christmas and not having anyone notice, appreciate or reciprocate, it's normal to feel that way and it makes sense. So being able to kind of process that emotion, um, before you withdraw or before you blow up, um, is a much more effective way of working through some of this. And then, you know, as you're daring to rock the boat, then you actually have to rock the boat, which is to clearly ask for what you want. So I always recommend avoid using should. Just a clear distinction on how you would avoid this. You know, when we're using should, whether we explicitly say it or not, sometimes we do it in kind of a manipulative or controlling way by trying to convince them you know, and this is what I hear often, like any decent human being would appreciate a thoughtful gift. That's kind of the should, the controlling way of handling it. And rather it's just, hey, I would really appreciate if you let me know that you appreciate this. I'm not the expert on how you should be in this relationship. I'm the expert on how I want to be in a relationship without needing to be right and not needing to control another person. This is how I would like this to be. I become more conscious of how children grow up and develop this habit with how I'm raising my kids. So rather than telling them, you know, this is the way to do things, I'll say, hey, I would really like you to have a shower before we go to grandma's house. I would really like it if you spoke to me this way. Instead of getting angry at me that I haven't done something that you want, could you just remind me what it is that you need? And this is a skill that my kids have picked up on really quickly. You know, they used to get frustrated when they had would ask for something and I would forget about it or get distracted and then they would, mom, I told you I wanted this. And I said, hey, would you mind just reminding me? It feels a lot better when you say, hey, mom, did you remember that you were going to make Mac and cheese for lunch or whatever it is to be gentle and offer it as a reminder. Hey, did you remember that getting me a meaningful gift for Christmas is something that's really, really important to me? And this has been kind of a multiple years process with my husband. Hey, it would be, it would mean a lot to me if you would take the kids to the store. Here are a few stores that might have something that I want. And ask each one of them to think about something that they think I would like and to choose it for me. And as my husband and kids have been doing this, you know, they do, they think about things that I might like and it might not be what I would pick for myself, but just knowing that they've made the effort to go to a store that has things that I like and try and pick something from that store that they think I would like. And getting it for me, um, means the world to me. And the way that that happened, the way that that came about, is because I told them, not you should do this or this is what a good grateful child would do for their mother or a grateful spouse would do for their mother. But it means a lot to me when you do that. Not everyone feels that way about thoughtful gifts. Some people are perfectly happy to fill their own stockings and buy their own gifts. And some people like the people in their lives to choose something that are, uh, they're meaningful. And as I've talked through this, I also want to point out that, you know, they're not going to get it right all the time. And if you can appreciate the effort and the intention more than the result and build upon that and maybe offer some, some helpful feedback in a gentle way, you're much more likely to get more of what you want from that relationship M than if you pout or get angry or, you know, make judgmental statements like you're ungrateful, you don't notice or appreciate anything I do. Just be more explicit about what you want. And then the other winning strategy here is if you do feel like stepping back a little bit, not overextending yourself as much, investing less in the relationship is the best move. Offer an explanation for that. That's the best way to avoid being passive aggressive is to be more direct and upfront about what you're doing and why, or what you want and why. So an example could be, I'm just saying, straight up, I don't feel like you're making an effort to learn about what helps me feel loved and appreciated during the holidays. And until that changes, I'm not interested in overextending myself to make sure that you get everything you want. So you're just being explicit. And m, I've had to do this with some family members. Like, I don't feel included in our family conversations. And so I'm going to choose not to be on, um, the weekly family zoom call because it's too painful for me to feel like I'm invisible in the family conversations. That's something that I've done with my family. You know, I grew up with three brothers, so I'm kind of the odd man out. And that's been been something that I've had to navigate there. And the sad part is, is sometimes they don't respond and sometimes distancing, like I said before, is the most honest way to be in that relationship. But be honest about it and come at it from a point of radical acceptance. Rather than hoping this passive aggressive distancing is going to get them to change, it's only going to make them more defensive, it's going to make them feel judged and, and whatever they give from that place is going to come from a place of obligation or fear. And Not a desire to have a relationship with you. So the very last thing that I always say is, if they won't hear it from you, they might hear it from someone else. It's really helpful to get, um, with a coach or a therapist to navigate some of these things when you don't feel like you're getting through and avoid the urge to take it personally. This is something that I hear in my client, my couples sessions sometimes is when I've said something that they feel like they've said a hundred times and their spouse hears it and responds to it, they're like, ugh, uh, why will they hear it from you and not from me? The m reason why is because we as coaches and therapists have not had a long history of power struggle with your spouse the way that you have. So what a good therapist or coach can do in this type of a situation is to help both you and your partner see what the costs are for continuing the way you are and what the rewards of being more relational minded could be. So we kind of can lay that all out for you without the power struggle that you're having with each other and really allow both of you to look at that and decide whether the work is worth it. My role as a coach is never to tell you what you should be doing, but to help you see your dynamic more clearly, provide you with some options for what you can do differently, and then sit back and give you a chance to decide if that's something that's worth it to you. And as painful as it is to not try and kind of force and control and manipulate the situation to work out the way that you want it to, um, sitting back and letting people show up as they are, look, um, at the choices that they have and decide how they want to move forward is the healthiest way to be in relationships. So as we're concluding today, I just want to acknowledge one more time that it's not really just you. There's a whole system in place that reinforces the idea that women should just be endlessly giving without expectation in return. And if you're one of the ones who's woken up to the fact that this isn't working for you anymore, it's going to take a little bit of work to unpack all of this and, and move forward in a healthier way. It's messy, it's not linear, um, but I believe it's worth it, and I hope that you do too. And if you need help navigating this space in one of your relationships. Please reach out to me and we can talk about how I can help you with that.

Speaker A: And that's a wrap on today's episode. I hope you found today's discussion insightful and empowering. But before you go, are you feeling stuck in a difficult relationship? Maybe you're struggling to communicate your needs or set healthy boundaries? If so, I want to invite you to check out my special offer for podcast listeners. A, uh, one on one coaching session designed to help you gain clarity and confidence in your relationships. In this session, we'll work together to help you understand your own needs, communicate more effectively, and decide on the healthiest

Speaker B: way to move forward.

Speaker A: To learn more and book your session, simply visit respectedandconnected.com Gridlock thanks for listening and I'll catch you in the next episode.