Encore: The Hidden Trap of Overgiving

Hi, and welcome to Executive Land. I'm Elizabeth Friedman, and this is where top leaders go off script to share straight talk and the unwritten playbook about life in the C-suite. For more ideas, visit East SuiteLeader.com.

Now let's dive into today's episode. Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Executive Land. Here's where you and I get to have the conversations about what they do not teach you in executive school. And that's why I'm calling today's episode the Hidden Trap of Overgiving.

And this is an area where I see even great leaders can get stuck. And so here's why I want you to think about it. Imagine you go into a grocery store to buy a gallon of milk. And let's say the milk costs $4, but you decide you're going to pay $8 instead.

Or what if, instead of just paying $4, you decide you're only going to pay two? Now, why would you do this? Well, maybe you thought that if you overpaid, the store would say, Oh my God, thank you. That's amazing.

You are our best customer ever. Or maybe you'd give $2 if you thought, you know what? I actually pay for a lot of things in this store, and I have earned this less expensive milk. I deserve this milk.

Now, of course, none of this really makes sense, except this is something that can happen at senior levels and companies where sometimes we might overpay, where you're giving more effort, more value, more time, more resources than what is coming back to you. And other times you might find you're actually underpaying, where you're expecting to get back more value than what you actually might be creating. And so either way, this math equation is off. And I'm calling it the give and get equation, give and get equation.

And here's the idea: healthy, high-performing organizations and leaders have a balance between what they give and what they get, whether that's value, time, resources. So for instance, you know, a company gives value through maybe a differentiated or specialized product, or maybe by having a great culture. And what are they getting back? Well, they might get back an ability to command higher prices or attract really great talent.

And so you see that balance. It's like you're paying $4 for milk and you're getting $4 worth of milk. And the same idea applies to leaders. So as a senior leader, you're giving by producing, contributing to enterprise results.

Now, depending on how significantly you're doing that, you would expect to get back value, maybe through the form of a bigger role or promotion, maybe bigger compensation. Maybe you'd get more trust from your CEO, more visibility, more opportunities. But the idea here is that to be high performing, you really want to be good at both giving and getting. Because really, at the senior level, the job requires it.

But the thing is, learning how to balance how to give and get in this equation, it's just not something I think we're born with. I mean, it's really a skill we have to learn over time. And it's not something, as I said, we tend to learn in executive school. And so that's why you might not notice at first when you've drifted too far over to one side of that equation or not, whether you're overgiving and undergetting, or maybe you're overgetting and undergiving.

Either way, if you stay too long on one side of that equation or the other, it can really start to have a negative impact on your performance, maybe on your leadership brand, and even on how you're feeling about your overall experience and career at work. So today I want to talk about part one of this discussion. We're going to focus on the overgiving side of that equation. And we'll talk about overgetting in an upcoming episode.

Now, as we start, I just want to point something out that certainly there will be periods where we are absolutely going to give more than we get. I mean, that's just good business, good leadership. So, for instance, you might deliberately charge a lower introductory price for a new product or service because you're trying to attract new markets or, you know, new buyers. And there are times when you're going to get more than you give.

Maybe you're starting to lead a new initiative and you're asking for maybe more resources, more support because that initiative is critical or time sensitive. So the idea is not necessarily to have a perfectly balanced equation, but to look at when it gets out of balance. And so I want to start by talking about overgiving. Here's what's tricky.

How do you know the difference between giving in a way that is expected and important at a leader level and overgiving? Because I want to say most of the leaders that I work with, they are exceptional at giving. I mean, they are world-class. They understand how to give value, how to give their effort and energy in ways that produce really great outcomes.

And they also give by being just committed, caring about their talent. I mean, they are just kind of going the extra mile kinds of people. This is all really, really good. But overgiving, it is too much of a good thing.

Now, how do you know if you're overgiving? Well, let me start with three common signs. And the first sign, and maybe the most important one, is your results. When you are giving in a healthy, high-performing way, your results will improve over time.

Your team gets better, you're gonna grow, whatever the case may be. But when you are overgiving, you are working hard, but progress is not happening. And I'll give you an example of a client of mine who leads strategy at his company, and he's having some challenges in this area. Now, he leads a very experienced team, and he and his team are responsible for producing some of the most important, I would say, high-stakes work in the company because they're producing a lot of the information and materials that go to the board that influence earnings calls, for instance.

Um, they shape external communications. So, of course, the leader has to set a really high bar because this work has to be outstanding. Now, when he first took on the role, I'd say he did a lot of the right things. You know, he's coaching, he's giving feedback.

He really spent a lot of time helping his team understand in his view what board ready really meant. But I would say about a year and he's not seeing a lot change. He told me the other day, I still feel like I have to review every single thing myself. And he said, I've given all the feedback, I've made changes on the team, but it's like I can't let anything go out the door unless I'm reviewing it.

And so I'd say what started off as healthy giving has now spilled into overgiving, working hard, but no shift in results. But something you and I know is true. If the milk costs $4 and you're paying eight, you're still going to get that same carton of milk. So extra effort, extra giving is not going to change outcomes.

But I don't think we believe this at work. I think we believe if we just continue to give more, we put in more hours, we get more involved with the team, more oversight, the results will shift. But I don't usually see that happen. And I think this is why we can see how very smart, capable leaders get stuck in this cycle of overgiving.

Because the challenge is, I mean, you still got to produce those really great board materials. It's not as if, you know, you can stop doing that, for example. But I find that instead of really taking a step back, changing our approach, we just push harder on those same levers. It is the Einstein definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

And there are so many examples of overgiving inside companies. I mean, let's talk about talent. It might be something as simple as you keep paying a really big salary to a leader who is not delivering for you. Or maybe you spend months coaching and rescuing, you know, you're rescoping work for a struggling member of the team because you keep thinking, you know, I can develop them.

I need to give them more time or another chance. I can't afford to lose them. Or here's another version. I've seen very senior leaders who are personally compensating for big gaps in their company dysfunction on some level.

So for instance, I'm thinking about clients of mine who have jumped in to manage over and over a really bad situation with a customer or a vendor, even if this is not part of their official job description. I've had clients, they are rewriting all kinds of materials at the company. They're chasing down data, they're kind of the glue that's holding this together. And of course, it's really noble, but it is not sustainable.

Because the longer they carry these kinds of responsibilities, the less honestly anybody else feels accountable for really changing their behavior. I've seen overgiving in the form of over-communicating. Leaders that just overexplain, they over-contextualize, they're in every meeting, they got to weigh in everywhere, and it's sort of in service of making sure everybody's on the same page. Now, let's go back to that grocery store.

You have just given the cashier $8 for that $4 milk. And maybe the cashier would stop you and say, Hey, are you realizing you just overpaid? You sure you want to do that? Because I think you could use that extra $4 on something else.

But at work, nobody necessarily tells you that. They're not going to necessarily tell you you're overpaying. And so this really brings me to the second sign that you are overgiving and it's costing you money. It's really costing you.

Maybe it's costing you an opportunity cost where it's the time, the focus, and the energy that you could be using to operate at a higher level, more strategically or lead differently, to create a team that does not depend on you for everything. I mean, in the case of my client, it's not like producing these board documents was the only part of his job or his team's role. I mean, they were supposed to be shaping future strategy, you know, engaging with the marketplace, with innovators, researchers, and really being able to bring new ideas back to inform future strategy.

But that was not happening because the team, along with this leader, was really still caught up in the weeds. Meanwhile, his CEO was starting to get frustrated and disappointed. He's wondering, why isn't my head of strategy doing enough to help us on the future? Why isn't he being more strategic?

And so this is what overdoing can do. I mean, it starts from this good place. You know, you want to produce excellent work, but if we don't start to really pay attention and manage when we're going too far over into that overgiving side of the equation, we can pay a real price for that. And so this brings me to the third sign you may be overgiving, and it's how you feel.

Because when you are overgiving, it's not just about time that disappears. It's not just about results, it's about your own energy, confidence. I mean, what starts to happen is you just feel so drained, frustrated, even resentful. You start to think, you know, why am I not seeing the ownership on the team?

Or I don't see other being people being held accountable for this. You're thinking, like, why do I have to do everything around here? And so overgiving, it can get hard. It just feels bad to give.

And you never feel like you're getting much back. And so you have to wonder, why on earth would we want to do this? But you know, I think for a lot of us, we're overgiving because deep down, we just don't see an option. We think we have no choice, that it's the only way to win.

I mean, we just don't trust that we can get results any other way. And so we keep pulling these same levers of overgiving. It's like overgive or nothing. I mean, this kind of belief can really keep us stuck.

And the hardest thing that I see about being an overgiver is that overgivers are undergetters. And so, for example, maybe you're a senior leader and you are working late, you're working weekends, you're over-preparing, you're always over-delivering. And yes, you are producing excellent work. But I find that, you know, in this way, we assume other people will just see the impact.

I've had clients say, you know what, I don't need the recognition. And I'll tell you, by the way, in coaching, I insist on the fact that of course they do need recognition. It's important we all do. But for leaders like this, it's almost like they're training the organization not to recognize them.

And I have found that when the time comes sometimes for succession or talking about roles, they're not as visible as their peers. I've seen examples of undergetting with leaders who accept really difficult, even brutal work assignments. I mean, these are like the toughest assignments, you know, there where it's all about taking on something with maybe just an absolutely impossible timeline. You're not getting the resources.

Maybe a process is really broken. And what happens is these leaders may not be advocating hard enough for what they need. They're not asking enough for what's required to make this project work or for what's missing. I see them too often just kind of muscle through it.

And over time they get very resentful, frustrated, and honestly, they can start to really burn out. I've seen examples of undergetting with coaches and consultants, service providers. I'm talking to you out there who maybe you are really over-delivering value. Lots of materials, decks, coaching session support, but maybe you are just not renegotiating scope or pricing.

And so you're losing margin. And you know what's ironic? You know, your value actually starts to decrease in the eyes of others too. So the hard part about undergetting is so often it comes from just such a good place of humility, of service, of really truly just wanting to help.

But the hard that is harder to see in ourselves and really admit out loud is that overgiving is so much easier. Overgiving feels good. I mean, it makes you feel like you're doing your job as a leader. It makes you feel capable, and it sort of keeps you in control because you don't have to take the risk of asking for something to get.

And so this is sort of the trap that we fall in because overgiving isn't just about being a good leader and being generous, it's about really not knowing how to get, how to receive. And so maybe you relate to this. Maybe you're uncomfortable asking for certain things. You would really just prefer not to bring it up.

You would rather stay in the giver's seat where you're giving. You're doing great work, you're feeling competent, you're feeling in control. Meanwhile, you are quietly hoping that others will notice this and that they will give back to you. And they may think highly of you, they may respect and value you, but in my experience, just getting doesn't always happen because you know, in work, and really we know this is true in life too.

If you only give, but you really don't also ask, you don't get back. And so if you have a feeling you might be an overgiver and an undergetter, here are a few things you can do right now. The first thing is start to look at your results. Look at where you might be overgiving and really start to measure and pay attention to the right things because there's your effort and then there's the impact.

And so start to notice what's actually getting better because of my giving, my involvement in this context, and maybe what's not changing or staying the same. And so you want to really look honestly at where you're working very hard, but you're not seeing the needle move because this is where overgiving lives. I want you to also think about asking earlier for what you need and being a strong advocate for that. What I find is that if you're an under-getter, you usually wait until maybe it's either too late to ask for help, you're not seeing the results you need, maybe you're just too burned out.

And so when you start any kind of project or initiative, it's really important to define success. Really, what are the resources you're going to need? What will it take to win? And how will you advocate for those things?

The other thing to pay attention to is to practice getting, not just giving. Remember what I said for most of us, it's so much easier to give. But you know, getting doesn't just happen automatically. If we want to get anything, support, help, you know, you have to ask for it.

I mean, think about me. When I launched this podcast, you know, I've been asking people, please listen to it, follow it, share it. I have to tell you, asking all the time, it does not feel comfortable. But if I only give, I never receive, it's hard to sustain something like this.

But the point is, it's the same for you two. And I want to add one more thing. It's very easy for you and I to assume others will just know what to give us. They know what we need, but you know what?

They don't. Even when you and I think we're being so clear about this. For more on this one, I want to encourage you to go back to episode three of the podcast, where I talk all about being clear about what you want. So go check out episode three, which is all about the hidden rules of talking to executives for more.

And then finally, I want you to move more towards the center of the equation. So I'm not saying if you're a big overgiver, you swing all the way over to the other extreme, but I just want you to start to notice where you're giving maybe just a bit too much, or where you're getting just a bit too little, and how you can let that value flow more both ways. And that's all for today on Executive Land. And so if today resonated with you, share this episode with a colleague who you might suspect may be overgiving just a bit right now.

Don't forget that in a follow-up episode, we're gonna look at the other side of the continuum, which is all about when leaders might get than they give, and you know, what that can do to trust to culture and even to their own leadership brand. So don't miss it. Thanks for being with me today, and I'll see you next time on Executive Land. Well, that's all for today in Executive Land.

Thanks for listening. And if you're looking for more, check out my website, eSuiteLeader.com, where you'll see all kinds of free resources and take the free Executive Readiness Assessment. It shows you exactly where you're strong and where to focus next in your own leadership.

And don't forget, subscribe to this podcast so you never miss an episode. I'll see you next time in Executive Land.