Overcoming the Barriers of Leadership

Speaker A: Welcome to the look and Sound of Leadership, an ongoing series of executive coaching tips designed to help you be perceived in the workplace the way you want to be perceived. I'm Tom Henschel, your executive coach, and today we're talking about overcoming the barriers of leadership. Imran was one of the most well balanced leaders I'd known. He was thoughtful, generous, and always open to having his ideas challenged. We had been working together many years. I'd been beside him as he rose into a chief officer role at a tech company employing more than 15,000 people around the world. When I thought about Imran, a line from Rudyard Kipling's poem would come to mind about the man who could meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same. That was how I felt about Imran. At the beginning of a recent coaching conversation, I saw something was on his mind. After taking a long minute, he said, there's a new woman on our team. She reports to one of my direct reports. I'd seen her in some meetings but hadn't really talked to her yet. I'd been hearing great things about her, so I wanted to meet her. I had my assistant get me on her calendar, which I heard freaked her out. But people told her, now it's fine. Imran just wants to say hi and get to know you. So yesterday I met with her. I went to her office and I was there, uh, 20 minutes. I'll tell you, Tom, I think she was miserable the whole time. She was like a deer in the headlights, making sure she was on her best behavior. I felt bad for her. Don't you get that a lot? I asked. Now that I'm in this role, yeah. Sometimes, for sure, I see people put their guard up against me, like they're on high alert. It looks like fear, so it makes me sad. Fear? I asked of you. Of what I represent. Which is what? The full weight and power of the corporation. So with someone like this woman yesterday. Her name is Michelle, by the way. With Michelle, I think she felt intimidated, which was not my intention. Do you think you contributed to her feeling that way? I asked. I don't think so, he said. I was thinking about her last night, and here's where I got to. Being a leader is a privilege, and it is also a burden. Yesterday with her, it felt like a burden. My position stopped us from being able to connect. Is that the end of the world? No, but it's a missed opportunity. It means she and I are going to have a slower start. For whatever part my position played in that. I'm sorry, but was it my doing? Uh, I don't think so, I asked. So am I right? You're saying your intention may not have anything to do with how the other person experiences you? He agreed. A lot of times, yeah. Sometimes I think I could be the nicest guy in the world or the meanest old bastard. And the people who are going to be intimidated are going to be intimidated no matter what. I'm not trying to duck accountability, but like with Michelle, how I don't think her reaction was really about me. I can't know for sure, but I don't think so. What does it sound like to you? I shrugged. Imran, I don't experience you as intimidating, but I've known you a long time. That said, you are part of the senior leadership team. The full weight and power of the corporation. As you said, I understand why a more junior person might be intimidated. I do too, he said. Listen, I've known for a long time that my title can make people behave in ways they wouldn't otherwise. Otherwise, I do my best to diffuse it. How, huh? I asked. I get quiet a lot of times. I see people wait for me to speak first and I won't. I pass the ball to them if I can get them talking and me listening, things level out pretty fast. What a great observation, I said. It reminds me of a saying. Talk to celebrities like they're normal people and talk to normal people like they're celebrities. I hear you saying that you talk to normal people like they're celebrities so they'll talk to you like a normal person. He laughed. That's good. I asked him, is this what was on your mind today? This burden of celebrity? Yeah, he said. And then he said, that idea of celebrity rings true to me. So many more people know me now than I know them. Uh, that's the definition of being famous, right? More people know who you are than you know who they are for sure. That's what's happened to me. And it sounds like a mixed blessing. I said, not all perks and rainbows. His eyes grew wide. Speaking of perks, did I tell you about Adam's latest cuckoo moment? Adam was the CEO. Imran was often disappointed in Adam. He made a last minute trip to Toronto and when he got there, he pitched a royal fit because there wasn't enough security to meet his jet in Toronto. Are you kidding? When I heard about it, I remember thinking, this is like a celebrity tantrum. And you, pal, are not a celebrity. You're a grown ass. Man who's getting paid a whole hell of a lot of money. Act like a grown up and do your job. I gave a little flinch. Did heads roll? No. But a very stern memo came down from legal. It was so over the top. That is the part of celebrity I don't want. And what is it exactly? I asked. Tantrums, demands. Needing people to fuss over you, forgetting how to do shit yourself. Those are not for me. What parts are? I asked. Huh? Huh. Well. Well. I love having a big microphone when I talk. People notice. And look, there's a good and a bad side to that. Right? I am always on display. God forbid I make some casual comment coming out of the bathroom within a day. Everybody' heard about it and everybody has an opinion about it. I have to be careful about what comes out of my mouth these days. I nodded. I talk about that burden with a lot of my clients. I said, a lot of people get into hot water because they forget they're on display and they speak without thinking. Andy said, once the word spreads about you, you get judged. People are pissed because of what you said, or they think you're an idiot because of something you did. As a not so reformed people pleaser, it was hard for me to not take all that personally. This is great, Imran, I said. And then, counting on my fingers, I said, so being a corporate celebrity has taught you that your title can be a barrier. Not to take other people's judgments personally and get people talking and then listen to them. What else has celebrity taught you? And don't forget, he said, don't throw tantrums. That's another lesson. Excellent. Yes. Don't throw tantrums. What else? He said. My mental health. I have to take care of myself. Keeping my filters up every minute of every day takes a toll. Did you know I stopped drinking? No, I answered. Were you a big drinker? Uh, now and then, Especially during travel. After work. Wrong time zone. I said things I should not have. I had to stop. And I felt healthier when I did another mental health thing I did was re engage with you. And I went back into therapy. Being vigilant every minute of every day is exhausting. Having places where I can let my filters down is part of staying healthy. It sounds hard, I said. And then there's the pressure of trying to keep my place on this very thin slice of a very tall pyramid. I'm aware every day this could all go away tomorrow. Um, boy, would it really change our lives. And not for the better. But it could happen. It does happen. All the time. And when it does, finding the next job at the same level is no easy feat. So I would like to keep this job and all by itself, that's a burden because there are so many ways to fail in this job. It is a lot of pressure. I said. I think it's why some people opt off the ladder and say they don't want their bosses jobs. Agreeing, he said, yeah, they see the burden and they say, no, thank you. But you said, yes? I said. He nodded. I like dancing on the top of the pyramid. I know the burdens, but I am happy to be here. I smiled and asked, what about you, Imran? Um. Do you ever get starstruck like Michelle was yesterday? Not lately, he said. I used to. I remember how starstruck I was when I met one of my heroes. I couldn't talk, but I couldn't stop smiling either. I was so happy. But recently, no, I've gotten pretty good about staying present no matter how important the person I'm meeting is. That's an interesting idea. I said. Staying present as an antidote to being starstruck. Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? He said. Plus, I hate when people do it to me. Like with Michelle yesterday. I wish she hadn't, so I don't want to do it to anyone else. Imran carried his burdens lightly. Similarly, he used his privilege lightly. His grace and balance were an exceptional display of the look and sound of leadership. I don't know if you felt this way, but throughout that whole conversation with Imran, I felt one big word hovering out there that never got spoken. Power. Neither of us used the word, but that's what the conversation was about, right? His power. Ways that it helped or hurt connections. In this part of the show, I want to share three ideas to help you manage your power. But before I do, I really want to acknowledge Michelle's side of the power. If you have ever felt yourself getting a little smaller in the presence of someone who is, I don't know, older, richer, more experienced, better educated. If you've ever felt yourself shrink, I've written a lot of episodes that might be helpful. Three of them are how to build self esteem, how to set boundaries, and Conquering people Pleasing. The links are in the show notes. If you identify with Michelle, give him a listen. Being starstruck like Michelle was does not lead to the look and sound of leadership. Help yourself all right, now, three tips to help you manage your power. And by the way, you don't have to be someone with huge reach like Imran for these tips to have value. These tips can help you manage your power. If you have even one direct report, manage your power consciously, you will be a better leader. So three tips then I'm going to end with a Hollywood celebrity story and in between I have a very exciting announcement about an in person event. But first three tips. Number one, get conscious about your power. My number one tip about managing your power is to take some time to think about it. Step back, think about yourself in the organization. Where do you put yourself in relation to the business? Where do you put yourself in relation to the people around you? How do you see yourself fitting in? Where is your power? So look, maybe you're like Imran, you know, maybe you step back, you see you've got global reach and expenditures in the millions and that you're responsible for lots of people and lots of money and have constant demands and a punishing schedule. There are people who have that I want to suggest to you. No matter where you are in your picture of your relationship to the company, ask yourself, what do you think the company owes you for all of your heavy lifting? Where do you see yourself in terms of comfort and courtesy? So Adam thought he should have a security detail. Imran thought that was over the top. And I am not saying that anybody's right here. I'm saying both their positions reveal a lot about where they see themselves in the company and what they think the company owes them because of their power. What does your company owe you? That's one way of getting conscious of your power. And I just want to flip this for a second. I often talk with young managers who have a team of maybe one or two. They often see themselves as very peripheral to the business and peripheral to the people. They don't feel they have access to people or levers of power and they don't feel empowered to ask. That is how they see themselves. They inside their companies. That's where their power is sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. I encourage them to imagine themselves having more power. It's interesting what happens. This tip is about being conscious about your power. Where is it? Where is it not? And is the vision helping you? Tip number two about managing your power. Share selectively. Because you have power, your words have weight. Choose who hears you. Think out loud. Do not share idle thoughts in the public square. I'll tell you a quick story about an unintended consequence from a random comment. There was a senior leader whose whole day was basically going from meeting to meeting to meeting and he was always running late because the meetings were always running late. So he was always walking into meetings that were already in progress. And people would stop, they'd bring him up to speed, and then he would apologize for being late and ask them to please continue. Well, one day, as part of his apology, he just said out loud how bad it made him feel to walk in late on all these meetings. He felt like he was being disrespectful and he really didn't like it and he was sorry. You know, people really liked this man. They heard his apology and they took it to heart and they wanted to protect him from those uncomfortable feelings. And so people began to delay the start of their meetings. There was a lot of time spent waiting for him. And it went on for months before he realized what was happening. And then he just stopped. He was like, no, please, I want the meetings to start without me. That comment was just a comment. Idle comment. Unintended consequences. When you muse about things, even with trusted staffers, or maybe especially with trusted staffers, give them context. Tell them why you're telling them what you're telling them. Tell them how you want them to think about it. If you don't tell them what to think about your ideas, they're going to make stuff up. Because you have power. That is tip number two. Share selectively. No idle words. Your words have weight. And number three is a big umbrella. Humility. Humility will help you manage your power. Did you notice that Imran went to Michel's office? That was him managing his power. Now, look, it didn't work. Michel was still intimidated. But the choice had humility in it. Imran made a point of getting other people talking. That's another choice with humility in it. Humility coexists beautifully with power. Back in February this year, I did an episode called Humility as Strength. The link is in the show notes and in this month's email we talked about a book called Humble Inquiry by Edgar and Peter Schein, who are leadership gurus. Humility goes with this idea of power. It will help you manage your power. And by the way, uh, if you would like our monthly resource list, there's a link in the show notes, so tips for managing your power. Also link in the show notes number one, get conscious about your power. Where are you in the organization and what does the organization owe you? 2, share selectively. Your words have power. Watch what you say. And three, be humble. Your power gives you impact. Manage your power. Coming up, my Hollywood celebrity story, which is an amazing story about power. But first, an invitation to all of you listening in real time in Southern California. My good friend Dave Stahoviak, who hosts the coaching for leaders podcast, is hosting a live event, and I am going to be his very special guest. The link is in the show notes. It's going to take you to an events page, and you will see him talking about a special guest. Well, that's me. Dave and I are gonna host a live event in Irvine, California, Tuesday, Sept. 1, 2026. It's just a couple weeks away, so folks from his academy and those of you listening here, we're gonna meet up for dinner, and then Dave and I are gonna host an event for everyone. We would really love to meet you. Dave has done some events around the country, but this is a first for me. I am really excited. Can't wait. Join us. It's gonna be a lot of fun. Link is in the show notes. If you have any questions, please pop me an email and there's a link for that in the show notes. Okay, Now a, uh, Hollywood celebrity story about power. This took place back in the early 1990s when I was making my living as a television actor. My best friend, who I had met back in high school, was now a producer and a writer on a television sitcom. He was working ridiculous hours, making ridiculous money. Well, one night, he and I and two of his friends met up for dinner at a little sushi bar. And now this place, I gotta tell you, was nothing special. It was a little storefront in a strip mall out in the San Fernando Valley. But there we were, we're having sushi, and in walks four other people, one of whom was George Clooney. So you gotta picture this. You're eating in some strip mall, and George Clooney walks in. What? So I've worked around all kinds of stars in Hollywood, you know, and I know how to play it cool. But I just gotta tell you, something changed in that room, and it felt like power to me. Power. The kind of power you feel before a thunderstorm. Well, it so happened that night. My best friend was really good friends with one of the people at the table with George Clooney. And so all of a sudden, there's table hopping going on, and there's banter being tossed across the room. And our table is now kind of connected to George Clooney's table. So I get to watch him without feeling like a creep. And I remember thinking it was like there was an electrical charge around this guy, and he did not seem to be doing anything to generate it. He was just living inside it. And this electrical charge surrounded him. And I remember thinking how gentle he was being with his power. He was happy to engage with us, but he was also happy to observe. I think he knew that if and when he spoke, his words would have power. When I think about that now, it makes me think of Imran getting other people to speak first. Both those things are ways of being humble with power. If you're ready to explore leadership and power, please go to the show notes. There's so many resources there, but also you might look in our podcast library under three categories. Leadership, managing yourself and perception how you're perceived. Five episodes in particular you might listen to are, uh, don't take anything personally, the honorable executive, how to build self esteem, how to grow your self Management, and staying afloat in a shitstorm. All the links are in the show notes, including the link to come join us for dinner in Irvine on September 1st. All right, that's it for me. Until next time. I'm, uh, Tom Henschel. Thanks so much for listening.