"That's Just Who I Am” | The 7 Leadership Traps: Trap #3

Speaker A: There's one word that destroys more good leaders and relationships than almost anything else. And the twist is, it's a word we think is a virtue. And we're proud of authenticity. Because here's what almost nobody tells you. Half the time, when a leader says, that's just who I am. They're not describing their truest self at all. They're defending a habit. And that's one confusion that can cap and derail your career. If you've ever pushed back on feedback by saying, I'm just being real, stay with me. You're not here for the same old, same old. You're not here for just tips. You're here because something in you knows it's time to change, not just how you lead, but how you live. I'm Janet Aioli, and this is the Inner Edge, a podcast about leadership, self mastery, resilience, and reinvention for a new world era. Real life, whole self. Let's go there. Welcome to the Inner Edge. This one might sting a little. You might disagree, but in a good way. Let me tell you about Marcus. Marcus was an executive who got the exact same feedback at every single level of his career. So every job he had, he would go up and he'd get this feedback. Combative, confrontational, dismissive. Different companies, different teams, same three words over and over again. Combative, confrontational, and dismissive. By the time I met him, it was starting to catch up with him. His team was exhausted. His peers had learned, just work around him. And his boss finally said, you know, this next promotion isn't coming unless something changes because you keep getting the same feedback. So I sat down to walk him through his feedback. So he had gotten all this feedback, and, uh, I was getting ready to walk him through it. And he didn't get curious. He was defiant. He looked at me and he said, that's just who I am. I'm direct, and if I soften that, then I'm just not being real. They want me to be fake, and I'm, um, not fake. And there it was, the whole trap. In one sentence, he had wrapped himself around in a reaction he'd never examined. And he called it authenticity, which made every piece of feedback feel like an attack on his own identity rather than information he can use about how he was coming across. Now, here's the hopeful part. Over several months, three things shifted for Marcus. And, um, they were small things. He started actually listening. Instead of loading his response while the other person was talking, he started asking one more question before he pushed back. And he Started actually reflecting and thinking about how his words would land, not just how he needed to get them out. So he would pause and say, okay, wait a minute. How's the other person gonna take this before I say it? And here's what did not happen. His directness didn't disappear. He was still Marcus. He just stopped landing so harshly and started landing as someone who cared about people. Same honesty. He had a completely different imprint. So authenticity can be a trap for us because we hide behind the fact that I'm just being real. But we're not looking at okay, I am just saying what comes out of my head. I am unfiltered. And, uh, sometimes I need a filter so that the other person can process what it is that I'm saying. That's not inauthentic. That's just kind on some level. So let me hold up the mirror, because you have either said these things or worked for someone who did. That's just who I am. I'm direct. If I soften it, I'm just not being real. People don't want fake. They want real. I just say what everyone else is thinking. That's a good one. If I change how I show up, I'm not being me. I'm just being someone else. Oh, uh, and this one. This one is like the header that I hear over and over again. It's all politics. Okay, I hear you. Here's what every one of those things has in common. Each one of them protects us from the discomfort that it takes to look in the mirror and from our own growth. Because our, uh, growth requires admitting that something that feels natural, that we've been doing for a long time out of habit or out of conditioning or how we've learned to react and respond to the world may no longer be serving you, or it may not be serving the people around you. And this is at home and at work or the people you lead. And look, I am, like, a hundred percent, 110% agreed with you about the need to be and the want to be real. Same here. Agreed. People, all of us are genuinely tired of, uh, leaders who sound like they've memorized a script, who sound like robots, who are acting out like, well, what's the party line? What do I say next? But I want you to sit with this question. Is what you're calling authentic actually the truest, deepest, purest expression of who you are, or is it, uh, just the most familiar version of you? You learn to raise your voice whether you were in conflict, whether it was in survival, Whether you were, as a kid, whether your parents raised their voice, whether. Whether it was a culture, uh, I grew up in, in a. In a Greek culture where people raised their voice. So I learned that. Is that me, or is that the most familiar version of you? This is where I have to challenge something we all believe. We like to imagine that there's a single fixed, real me sitting underneath all of our roles that we just have to express. But what I know from so many years of doing this work with people and studying human development and human behavior is that human development doesn't actually work that way. We were not actually born with a finished identity. I mean, we can go into the innate versus, um, you know, nurture versus nature debate. I'm not doing that. What I'm saying is that absolutely we were shaped. Now, there may be an innate part of us that's the true being of us. That's another episode. But we were all, at some point, shaped by our families, by what earned us, uh, approval that made us feel safe and secure, what earned us love. So we learned to act and adapt a certain way. Whatever kept us safe is what we learned to do. And so that's why some of us are highly aggressive or, uh, highly. Whatever it is that we are. We've learned those things because that is what we equate safety with. And we also learned what to do to help us avoid shame and avoid rejection. And over time, your brain wired that in until what started as a useful adaptation. It was adapting to your environment, harden into your nervous system, and it feels like you. And that's what you equate as you. So screaming feels like you. That is a nervous system reaction. And that is exactly where this authenticity trap, as I call it, lives. You mistake the familiar and the wired because it's ingrained in your nervous system as your true self. You defend your autopilot reactions as who you are, and you lock yourself into a smaller version of yourself than the version of yourself that you're actually capable of becoming. Because there's one thing about reactivity. It's your nervous system speaking before your values do. Under pressure, your brain shifts, and it shifts right away towards speed and threat. You get more rigid, you get more certain, and you get a lot less curious because, hey, I'm in danger here. Let's go. So when a leader says, I'm just being real, what's often really happening is that they could be discharging stress, protecting their status or avoiding vulnerability, or putting themself out there. All of these things are unconscious. The developmental psychologist who I love, Robert Keegan, draws a line between two ways of leading outside in leadership says, take me as I am, inside out leadership says, I am responsible for my impact. Actually, um, that comes from Robert Keegan, and it also comes from Bob Anderson, who's another thinker that I truly admire. And I really think this inside out, outside in type of leadership is a really important concept. We're not going to spend that much time here, but I encourage you to learn more about that. And Carl Jung would tell you that the real self, your real self, isn't your loudest reflex. It's something you grow toward on purpose over a lifetime. So you become that, that real self of yours. In a nutshell, how I would say this is real. Authenticity is not unfiltered expression. It's chosen expression. I'm going to say that again because I, uh, want you to hear that real authenticity is not unfiltered expression. It's chosen expression. It's sourced from your values, not your reflexes and not your nervous system. So how do you escape this authenticity trap and turn it into your inner edge? Start with a mirror question, as we do in all these episodes where in my leadership do I defend familiar habits as authentic, even when they're actually not serving me and they're limiting my impact? Then borrow the exact moves that Marcus made because they're small and anyone can do them. One. This week, hold back one automatic reaction. Just one. Just pause. Uh, in that half second before you respond, notice your impulse. And just before you respond, ask one more question to the person. 2. Before you say that thing that you're about to blurt out, think, how is this going to land? Not just how do I need to say this? How is this going to land with this other person? That's m it. You're still going to keep your honesty. You're still going to be direct. You're still gonna be willing to name that uncomfortable truth in the room if that's what is important to you. But a completely different imprint will happen on the person receiving it if you just pause and think about. How can I phrase this a little bit differently so that it lands differently? Hold on. I wanna be clear about the invitation here because I can imagine what you're thinking. I'm not asking you to be perfect and I'm not asking you to be. To give up your attachment to being real. I'm asking you to become more aware and more open to learning and willing to evolve into the best part of yourself. Because the behavior you think is just you almost always has close cousins. That is very much as honest but far more effective. So you can be that just you without those intense nervous system reactions or those unaware reactions. If this resonated with you, subscribe and please follow the show. So the next time feedback makes you defensive, don't reach for that's just who I am. Get curious instead. Ask yourself, am I protecting my values or am I protecting a pattern? That single question is your doorway to a higher level of leadership. Remember this. Every single moment you have a choice in what you say and what you do and how you make people feel, pause and make those choices wisely and intentionally. Because every single moment, those choices are who you become as a leader and as a human. See you next time. And if you want to go deeper on exactly this, how the way you show up shapes what people give back to you, I'll point you to an episode right here on the screen that pairs perfectly with this one. And always remember this. Every truth you speak, every boundary you hold, every moment you decide and act on what really matters at the core. That's your inner edge. See you next time.