Why It's Okay to Upset People When You Lead | Joanna Howes

Speaker A: I'm recording this episode because I really want to get a message out that it is okay to upset people. I know that might make you go, what? Why? Hang on a minute. I don't want to be a type of person, upset someone. But the problem we've got is avoidance is the biggest killer of performance we currently have in companies. It's recognizing that we're human beings, we have emotions and we will get upset. But if we keep tiptoeing around people because we're so scared to upset anyone, we're holding all of us back, back. Also, we need to learn as humans how to be upset. It's okay to be upset. And if we don't get that experience to do it, the older we get and if we haven't been upset, it's going to get harder. So as a leader, if the thing of I don't want to upset them is the thing that's stopping you, you really need to change that frame of mind. Remember that you cannot be responsible for how someone chooses to react. You might in your mind think how they're going to react. We do a lot of mind reading as human beings. You, you might play out maybe how you think you'd react in this situation on them. But what we actually end up doing is taking away a lot of credit for the person that maybe we need to give this feedback to or performance review to. We take away the credit that they actually might be able to handle it and they might actually know how to manage their emotions. And on the other hand, if they don't and they freak out and they get really upset, they kind of need to do that to know there is work to be done in learning how to manage their emotions. We've got to give people a chance to learn how to express themselves. And if you keep avoiding it because you're worried you're taking that away from them, it's also brilliant procrastination strategy. And it also keeps you safe. And ultimately what you're doing is you're making it about you. You're not making it about how you're going to help this other person and you're then taking away their rights to know that there's something they need to know, all because you're scared or worried about upsetting them. So let's give people more credit and let's be leaders who can actually show up and be present with someone when they do get upset. As I said, it's Norma. It kind of be weird if we didn't. So this happened to me. I Remember, uh, when I worked in an agency, I was given some really tough feedback and I got really upset. I'm not actually someone who shows emotion all the time, but I was really upset and I was actually holding back tears on the train home. Now I just needed to process that emotion. I was upset for about two weeks and I was furious with the bosses at the time, but I needed to process that and do that for my own growth. And then it wasn't that much time where I could actually look back and go, it was right what they said. And it gave me the wake up call that I needed, you know, the courage to give me that feedback because they were worried about upsetting me. I would have lost so much opportunity for growth and also for the people around me in my team would have suffered too, because I wouldn't have been able to change and grow in myself. So I've experienced this firsthand, which is why I'm so passionate about, we've got to stop worrying about upsetting people now. There's some tips in how to help you when you're giving someone feedback. Instead of saying, you, you did this, you said this. Do it from your perspective. I've noticed. I'd like to understand why you said this in the meeting. This is less attacky and it's more just from your perspective. And then can open up from the other person's point of view, an opportunity to share their perspective. So it's more of a conversation than an attack. The other key thing is getting comfortable with yourself to just stay present. So I've done these conversations and the person in front of me has started crying. And I've also had it where someone's. The emotion's been anger. Because upset can be anger or tears. It can go either way. The key is to still hold eye contact, stay nice and calm, keep your body language forward with them. Don't naturally go, uh, your body will probably want to pull away and sit back. But, uh, what you're doing is then leaving that person out on the lurch on their own. They need to see you're still with them. And it's absolutely fine to say, I know this is hard. I know this is painful to hear. Do you want to take a minute? Can I help in a way? Is there anything I can do to make this clear or support you in the understanding of what needs to change, Change. But just saying, I know this is hard being human with them and then also being okay to say, look, do you want to take a bit of time and should we get back on a call in about an hour. I've done that many times. And they come back on the call and they're ready to talk and they're ready to really hear what you've got to say. Because again, when someone gets quite upset, they don't listen as well. So don't feel. Then you just keep talking because you're uncomfortable, blah blah blah blah. And also, don't start backtracking because they've got upset. Oh no, I didn't mean it like this. That's the worst thing you can do as well, because it just confuses the person. Just stay really present, really calm. Stay with them, respect them, acknowledge what they're going through and give them the space and the support that they need. Don't make it about you and what you can and can't handle. As a leader, you need to be able to show up for the person in front of you, however uncomfortable it is for you. So let's remove this fear of upsetting people and start doing what's right for people in helping them grow. Thank you. 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