138: Why Black Women Can't Leave It at the Door (And Why It's Holding You Back as a Leader)

1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,440 SPEAKER_00: Hey lady leader, welcome back. 2 00:00:05,679 --> 00:00:09,279 Or if you're new here, I am so glad that you found us. 3 00:00:09,519 --> 00:00:10,240 My name is Dr. 4 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:13,839 Nicole Bryan, and I'm your host and your biggest, biggest 5 00:00:13,839 --> 00:00:14,640 cheerleader. 6 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:18,320 I'm a leadership coach, a psychologist, and a former 7 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:20,079 Fortune 500 executive. 8 00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:23,920 And I created this podcast specifically for you, the 9 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:28,160 ambitious, introverted black woman who knows she is meant for 10 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:28,480 more. 11 00:00:29,039 --> 00:00:32,240 Here on this podcast, we talk about getting you promoted to 12 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,600 the executive level, growing you into the leader that your title 13 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:39,679 requires, and building a team that actually performs. 14 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:43,119 And we do all of it without you having to shrink yourself, 15 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:47,840 pretend to be extroverted, or hustle yourself into the ground. 16 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,920 Now, if any of that sounds like what you need, then stay tuned. 17 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:56,640 Now, before we get into today's episode, especially for anyone 18 00:00:56,640 --> 00:01:00,640 who is new here, I want to take a moment to share exactly what 19 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,719 we do and who we do it for. 20 00:01:03,119 --> 00:01:06,319 I work specifically with ambitious black professionals 21 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:09,280 who are introverted women and leaders. 22 00:01:09,519 --> 00:01:13,680 And the work I do with them centers around three core 23 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:14,319 problems. 24 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:19,040 The first problem is getting you your next executive level 25 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:19,680 promotion. 26 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:24,079 Because that path is not always clear and it is almost never 27 00:01:24,079 --> 00:01:25,120 handed to you. 28 00:01:25,439 --> 00:01:28,400 We build the strategy to get you there. 29 00:01:28,719 --> 00:01:32,239 Problem number two is closing the skill gap between being a 30 00:01:32,239 --> 00:01:36,640 strong manager and being a true executive leader, because those 31 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,400 two roles are very different. 32 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,560 The transition requires new capabilities, new thinking. 33 00:01:42,879 --> 00:01:47,280 And problem number three is setting up your new team or your 34 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,359 new department for high performance. 35 00:01:49,599 --> 00:01:53,920 Because getting the executive seat is only the beginning. 36 00:01:54,159 --> 00:01:57,840 What you do once you're in it determines everything that comes 37 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:58,480 next. 38 00:01:58,799 --> 00:02:03,200 If any of these three problems, these three challenges that I 39 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:07,120 described are what you're facing right now, then you are in 40 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,800 exactly the right place. 41 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,240 Now let's get into today's episode. 42 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:17,759 Okay, so today is going to be short and sweet for us because I 43 00:02:17,759 --> 00:02:21,120 want to talk about something that I think we all know to be 44 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,080 true, but we don't always say it out loud. 45 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:28,319 And if we do say it out loud, we don't always believe it. 46 00:02:28,879 --> 00:02:33,599 You cannot leave yourself at the door. 47 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,159 And what am I talking about? 48 00:02:36,479 --> 00:02:41,120 When you walk into your company, when you log on to your 49 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:47,840 computer, when you show up at work, you cannot leave yourself 50 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:48,800 at the door. 51 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:50,639 Now I know, I know. 52 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,719 We've been taught the opposite. 53 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:57,199 We've been told show up professionally, be objective, 54 00:02:57,439 --> 00:03:00,240 leave your personal life at home, and don't bring your 55 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,120 emotions to work. 56 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:02,639 Keep it separate. 57 00:03:03,199 --> 00:03:05,840 But here's what nobody has told you. 58 00:03:06,159 --> 00:03:10,080 That advice was never designed for someone like you. 59 00:03:10,319 --> 00:03:15,280 It was designed for a version of professionalism that was never 60 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:19,120 built with us as black women in mind. 61 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:23,680 And it has been costing you, lady leader, quietly, 62 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:28,960 consistently, in ways that you may not even fully recognize 63 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:29,439 yet. 64 00:03:29,759 --> 00:03:34,560 So today we're gonna talk about why the personal and the 65 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,520 professional are not two separate things. 66 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:42,319 They never have been, and what it actually looks like to stop 67 00:03:42,319 --> 00:03:43,840 pretending that they are. 68 00:03:44,639 --> 00:03:46,800 Let me start with a story. 69 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,400 I've recently started working with a new coaching client, and 70 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:54,400 like I do at the beginning of every coaching relationship, I 71 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:58,400 spent our first session explaining how our coaching 72 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:02,319 together would work, what she could bring, what we'd work on 73 00:04:02,319 --> 00:04:04,479 together, how we'd move. 74 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:08,639 And she asked me everything. 75 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,439 Everything and anything that feels like a challenge you are 76 00:04:13,439 --> 00:04:13,919 facing. 77 00:04:14,159 --> 00:04:17,759 If your baby's up all night and you came to work running on two 78 00:04:17,759 --> 00:04:20,399 hours of sleep and you couldn't think straight in your nine 79 00:04:20,399 --> 00:04:22,480 o'clock meeting, bring that. 80 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,680 If you had a fight with your husband and you're sitting in 81 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,480 back-to-back meetings, physically present, but mentally 82 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,439 somewhere else entirely, bring that. 83 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:35,839 If something is living in your head and taking up space that 84 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:39,199 should be going toward your work and your leadership, that 85 00:04:39,199 --> 00:04:41,360 belongs in our coaching. 86 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,839 And she paused and then she said, Really? 87 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,040 Yes, yes, lady leader, really. 88 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,600 Because here's the truth. 89 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:58,639 You cannot separate what is happening in your life from how 90 00:04:58,639 --> 00:04:59,920 you show up at work. 91 00:05:00,079 --> 00:05:00,879 Full stop. 92 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,160 It's not possible. 93 00:05:02,399 --> 00:05:04,480 You are one single person. 94 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,319 You do not have a work brain and then a separate home brain that 95 00:05:08,319 --> 00:05:10,959 you can swap out at the door every morning. 96 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:15,120 You bring all of you, your energy, your mood, your stress, 97 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:20,240 your joy, your anxiety, your confidence, all of that comes 98 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,879 with you every single day. 99 00:05:23,199 --> 00:05:26,560 The question is not whether your personal life affects your 100 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,759 professional performance, because we know it does. 101 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,519 It always has. 102 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:35,759 The question is whether you're aware of it and whether you are 103 00:05:35,759 --> 00:05:39,759 dealing with it, or whether you are pretending it isn't 104 00:05:39,759 --> 00:05:42,959 happening while it quietly runs the show. 105 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:48,160 Now, let me tell you what I see when we as women try to enforce 106 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,360 the separation. 107 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:55,360 What I see is leaders who are physically in the room, but they 108 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,959 are emotionally somewhere else. 109 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,000 They're going through the motions, they're hitting the 110 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:04,160 deliverables sometimes, but there's no energy behind what 111 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:04,879 they're doing. 112 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,879 And people, they feel that. 113 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:10,720 Your team feels it, your peers feel it, your boss feels it. 114 00:06:10,879 --> 00:06:14,720 And nobody's gonna say it out loud, but it affects how they 115 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:18,079 see you, how they experience your leadership, and ultimately 116 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,680 how they advocate or don't advocate for you when your name 117 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,759 comes up in rooms that you're not in. 118 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:27,279 Now, I also see women who are white knuckling it, like 119 00:06:27,439 --> 00:06:31,439 gripping so tightly onto the professional mask that they have 120 00:06:31,439 --> 00:06:34,720 no bandwidth left for actual leadership. 121 00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:38,399 All of their energy is going toward containment, towards 122 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:42,160 holding it together, toward keeping it all in, toward making 123 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,000 sure nothing bleeds through. 124 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,959 And containment is exhausting. 125 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:49,920 It leaves you depleted by 12 p.m. 126 00:06:50,319 --> 00:06:52,319 It makes you short with your team. 127 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:56,480 It makes you risk averse because you just do not have the 128 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,800 capacity for anything else. 129 00:06:59,199 --> 00:07:05,199 And then I also see women who have completely disconnected so 130 00:07:05,199 --> 00:07:08,720 completely that they've lost access to what made them a great 131 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,079 leader in the first place. 132 00:07:10,319 --> 00:07:14,160 Their instincts, their empathy, their ability to read a room, 133 00:07:14,319 --> 00:07:15,600 their creativity. 134 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:20,319 All of it gets dulled when you spend years suppressing the 135 00:07:20,319 --> 00:07:23,040 personal in service of the professional. 136 00:07:24,079 --> 00:07:27,360 None of these are the leader you are trying to become. 137 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:31,680 And all of them are a direct result of trying to maintain a 138 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,560 separation that was never real to begin with. 139 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:38,319 Now, I want to be really clear about something. 140 00:07:38,639 --> 00:07:42,560 I am not saying go into your next one-on-one and unload 141 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,319 everything that's going on at home. 142 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,920 That is not what I'm saying, and that is not what this is about. 143 00:07:48,399 --> 00:07:53,040 What I am saying is that integration is about awareness. 144 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:58,160 It is about knowing what you are carrying and making conscious 145 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:02,639 decisions about how that shows up in your leadership rather 146 00:08:02,639 --> 00:08:05,279 than letting it run unconsciously in the background, 147 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,720 completely unchecked. 148 00:08:06,959 --> 00:08:09,839 So, what does that actually look like in practice? 149 00:08:10,079 --> 00:08:14,959 Okay, so it looks like you waking up on a hard morning and 150 00:08:14,959 --> 00:08:17,839 saying, okay, I did not sleep. 151 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,680 I am not at my best today. 152 00:08:19,759 --> 00:08:22,639 Let me be strategic about where I put my energy. 153 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,920 Let me protect my team from my own frustration. 154 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:30,160 Let me postpone the conversation I was gonna have that requires 155 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,159 me to be at my full capacity. 156 00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:36,879 It looks like you recognizing that the tension you are feeling 157 00:08:36,879 --> 00:08:40,639 in a particular work relationship is being amplified 158 00:08:40,639 --> 00:08:44,639 by something that has nothing to do with that person and choosing 159 00:08:44,639 --> 00:08:48,960 to address the root instead of letting it fester and damage the 160 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,080 relationship. 161 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,840 It also could look like you having a space, whether that's 162 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,360 in coaching or therapy, a trusted friend, or even just 163 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:01,120 your journal, where you actually process what's going on. 164 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:05,120 So it doesn't back up and spill out in places that cost you. 165 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,240 Integration is not weakness. 166 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,279 Integration, my friend, is intelligence. 167 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,600 It is advanced leadership. 168 00:09:13,759 --> 00:09:17,759 And it is something that the most effective executives that I 169 00:09:17,759 --> 00:09:23,039 have ever worked with or worked alongside have mastered, even if 170 00:09:23,039 --> 00:09:25,039 they have never called it that. 171 00:09:26,159 --> 00:09:30,240 Now I want to come back to that new client for a moment, because 172 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,360 her question, what can I bring to coaching? 173 00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:36,320 It revealed something a little deeper. 174 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:40,879 She had been conditioned to believe that certain parts of 175 00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:45,600 her were not relevant to her career development, that her 176 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:49,039 life outside of work was separate from her growth as a 177 00:09:49,039 --> 00:09:54,320 leader, that the personal stuff was just noise, a distraction 178 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,519 from her real work. 179 00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:01,039 And that belief, that belief, it was keeping her stuck. 180 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,639 Because the things that she thought were irrelevant, they 181 00:10:04,639 --> 00:10:06,159 were the whole story. 182 00:10:06,399 --> 00:10:10,399 The way she was managing her energy at home was directly 183 00:10:10,399 --> 00:10:12,720 affecting how she showed up for her team. 184 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:16,879 The relationship stress she was carrying was sitting right on 185 00:10:16,879 --> 00:10:20,240 top of her ability to think clearly in high-stakes meetings. 186 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:24,159 The old wounds from a previous job, from a manager who 187 00:10:24,159 --> 00:10:28,000 dismissed her from a team that didn't value her, were still 188 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,679 shaping how she moved in her current organization. 189 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:35,679 You cannot coach around these things. 190 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,000 You have to coach through them. 191 00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:40,879 And the first step is giving yourself permission to 192 00:10:40,879 --> 00:10:44,639 acknowledge that they actually exist and that they matter. 193 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:50,559 So let me ask you, lady leader, what have you been leaving at 194 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:53,440 the door or trying to leave at the door? 195 00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:57,279 What have you been telling yourself doesn't belong in your 196 00:10:57,279 --> 00:10:58,240 professional life? 197 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,679 What have you been suppressing and managing and trying to 198 00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:06,480 contain that is quietly affecting how you lead, how you 199 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,919 advocate for yourself, and how far you are willing to go? 200 00:11:10,159 --> 00:11:13,519 Here is what I want you to take from today's episode. 201 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:19,120 You are not a professional who sometimes has a personal life. 202 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:24,159 You are a whole and complete person who also happens to have 203 00:11:24,159 --> 00:11:24,879 a career. 204 00:11:25,039 --> 00:11:28,639 And the sooner you stop trying to make those things strangers, 205 00:11:28,879 --> 00:11:32,720 the more powerful, the more present, and the more effective 206 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,799 you are going to be as a leader. 207 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:39,840 Your experiences, all of your experiences are data. 208 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,440 They are information about who you are, what you need, and how 209 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:44,240 you operate. 210 00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:48,399 And when you bring awareness to that, you don't become less 211 00:11:48,399 --> 00:11:49,120 professional. 212 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:50,879 You become more human. 213 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:54,399 And more human leaders build better teams. 214 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:57,120 They learn and earn more trust. 215 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,080 And they go further consistently. 216 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,759 In the next couple of episodes here on Leading Her Introvert 217 00:12:03,919 --> 00:12:06,879 Way, we're going to be going even deeper on this. 218 00:12:07,039 --> 00:12:09,759 We're going to talk about what it costs you when protection 219 00:12:09,759 --> 00:12:12,240 starts masquerading as professionalism. 220 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,080 And we're going to talk about reclaiming the joy in your work 221 00:12:16,399 --> 00:12:20,559 because that is yours and nobody should be walking around with 222 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:20,879 it. 223 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:25,120 Now, if today's episode resonated with you, share it 224 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:29,200 with another black female leader who actually needs to hear it. 225 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,200 And if you want to understand exactly where you are on your 226 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,200 journey to the executive level, I have something very special 227 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,080 coming your way. 228 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:42,159 I'm going to be releasing my new quiz, which is going to help you 229 00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:47,519 identify where you are on your journey to the executive level. 230 00:12:47,759 --> 00:12:52,240 Because the number one problem that I hear people telling me is 231 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:56,480 they don't know how to figure out what they need to be doing 232 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:59,600 differently to get their promotion to the executive 233 00:12:59,600 --> 00:12:59,919 level. 234 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,799 They're getting feedback from all different places. 235 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,759 The feedback is either conflicting with each other or 236 00:13:05,759 --> 00:13:09,200 it doesn't ring true, and they just don't know where to start. 237 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:13,679 So I created this quiz that you can fill out in three to four 238 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:18,720 minutes and you can pinpoint exactly the two or three things 239 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,200 you need to start working on right now. 240 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:26,080 It will help you identify your current stage and exactly what 241 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,679 to focus on next. 242 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:32,000 So until next time, lady leader, keep going. 243 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,399 I am rooting for you. 244 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,919 And keep leading your introvert way.