More Than What You Do: How to Rebuild Identify, Purpose and Direction After Leaving a Role That Defined You w/Former NFL'er and Leadership Coach Alex Molden

You need to find out exactly who you are, because right now it just sounds like football. Everything under your mouth, it sound like football. And sweetie, football is not who you are, it's what you did. Hey, welcome to your work friends.

I'm Mel Plat. I'm Francesca Run, and we break down the now and next of work. So you stay ahead, well today we're talking about reinvention. You and I are very familiar with this journey.

Not the cute kind of invention, not the new year, new me reinvention for your life, but the real kind when you try to make a transitional journey something that you might have given your identity to which can really shake up your rhythm and your confidence or your sense of worth overall, and that stuff goes away. And then you're trying to figure it all out in the moment and going, what the hell? Who am I now? Yeah.

Yeah. Which is exactly why we wanted to talk to Alex Moulden today. Alex is a leadership advisor and a coach and a keynote speaker. He is a wonderful person in life and at work, but.

Before that, Alex spent eight years in the NFL before that, he was a hall of famer at University of Oregon. He was a first round draft pick in the NFL as well. This is someone that had built a life and an identity and a celebrity around being in the NFL, listen, you and I have had to pivot, but we haven't had to pivot like that. That's that's a hard pivot.

What's that? Farmer's commercial. We know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two. Yes.

I like he that for the pivot. Yes. Yes. So we wanted to have Alex on to talk about how he actually reinvented himself.

Not only is Alex just incredibly honest and shares some really vulnerable stories about this, but he talks about what it really feels like and he is giving you really practical framework for how to rebuild and navigate this in a really, really authentic way. This is truly for anyone that's navigating a layoff or retirement, a transition, a pivot, or just this moment. That I don't know about you, Mel happens to me like every seven years where I'm just like, I am ready for a new Yeah, same.

And with that, here's Alex. Alex, thanks for joining us today. How are ya, Francesca? How are you?

Living the dream? what's up Mel? It's good to see you. What's up again?

Alright we're here to talk about how do you reinvent yourself, because so many people are either thinking about doing that, desperately wanting to do that, or having that put upon them right now. Whether they were coming out of a layoff or retirement. A big life transformation and we don't think there's anyone better to talk about this than you. You are a first round draft pick from the University of Oregon hall of Famer, Been in the NFL for eight years, which I am told that's a long time.

Yeah it's twice the average. Typically the average player nowadays plays 3.5 years. That's a lot, right?

I find it funny just as a personal aside that I'm on a call talking about reinventing yourself with somebody who has been in the NFL for eight years. Mel was a D one athlete, and I got kicked off my intramural soccer team for being horrible. when did you start playing football? so I started playing football.

I was later in terms of development football iq. I didn't start playing organized football until eighth grade. All right. But it was a big part of your life for a long time.

Absolutely. you have had football as part of your life for a very long time, reached the highest of the highs, stayed there for a very long time and then it ended. Yeah. And then you had to figure out what do you do next?

Take us through that first day. I'm curious about the first day after you're done with your NFL career. What is that day? What does that look like, man?

Okay. I like this already. All right. When you do something for so long Yeah.

And your ability is high and then you have with that ability, you get a platform. And, with this platform, especially here in America with football, there's a lot of people to look up to that platform. And, during that whole journey is you have to get to a frame of mind where you have your feelings, you have to put in your back pocket. Meaning there was many a days I didn't wanna go to practice.

I didn't want to go work out. I didn't want to go run. It was rainy, it's wet, it's snowy. any type of excuse, you have to put that aside.

Make it so there is no choice, right? there wasn't a choice from when I started and I fell in love with this sport. later on I found out what type of vehicle it was. Once I found out the word scholarship, athletic scholarship.

I can get school paid for. Then everything else changed. I had no choice since my sophomore year until I was 30. There was no choice.

And what happens is that becomes your identity. It's good, but it's bad because you start to get confused that becomes your identity. And when you separate from it you start to figure out, and I didn't understand this, that football was something that I did. It was not who I was.

And for years I believed that was who I was. And I know there's a lot of people out there that feel the exact same way, but it's not football. It can be with the job, with your role as a parent, right? And then your kids go off to college or they move out the house and then now you're like lost.

for me, for that period of time, like that next day, that was a relief. Hold on, what? I don't have a schedule. I don't have to go out at.

Seven 30 in the morning. I don't have to go run. I don't gotta have to go train. I don't gotta go tackle 230 pound running backs.

Oh, I can play golf. And so that was a feeling of relief. But that kind of faded after the glow of retirement had fell off. I took a year off from corporate and I remember.

Not to compare my career with your career it's interesting because you have this honeymoon Ooh, this is fun. This is a novelty, right? I get to just be and live my life the way I want to. And then there's this reality of, oh, now I need to do the work to.

Reestablish, who am I? When did that hit for you? What was that journey of oh shit, now I need to come back to Alex. There wasn't really a coming back because Alex was gone.

Oh shit. Yeah, I was football That was my identity. Yeah. I didn't really understand that.

Until I went on a job interview after about six months playing golf, working out whenever I wanted to. That was cool. And I okay, I want to do something else. What is there available?

some friends, some neighbors Hey Alex, You should get into real estate. I have a person. And so I did that. I went and shadowed them for a week.

I even started to, try to get my license. I was like, this ain't me. After about a week or two, this ain't me. I don't wanna do this.

Then it was like, oh man, you'd be great in insurance. MetLife or whatever that is, right? I shadowed him for a week, got a suit and tie go to the office and all that type of stuff. This ain't me.

then we moved up here to Portland and I said, okay, I need to figure something out. Oh, it's the nonprofit sector. I did a lot of nonprofit work volunteering, donating, all that type of stuff, And I went on a job interview and that was the moment that changed the trajectory of my life because thank goodness, this older black lady, she told me the truth. I went in this job interview and I was prepared.

I knew how to break down my opponent, So I did my research. I knew how to do that. when I went in there, I was killing the interview. She's asking me questions, who did they serve, and I was killing it.

then everything flipped when she started asking me questions about me everything out my mouth sounded like football. finally she said Alex, I'm gonna stop this interview and you're not gonna get this job. let me give you some advice before you go on any more job interviews. You need to find out exactly who you are, because right now it just sounds like football.

Everything under your mouth, it sound like football. And sweetie, football is not who you are, it's what you did. Got up, walked me through the front door, shook my hand, went to my car and wept. I cried my eyes out.

that was the lowest point I've ever felt. I tried and I buried that story. I can speak it now without bawling, and reliving all that feeling. But that was something that changed my life and it started, instead of me figuring out what I wanted to do, I need to find out who I'm, How did you do that?

one of those. Deals where when you're doing something for a long time, you put blinders on and start to see things through a different lens. So I end up falling into a coach at first. I brought him on to teach me how to speak because I was getting into the speaking industry speaking on leadership and adversity, communication And so I thought I hired a speaking coach, but really he was more of a life coach, and he was just asking me questions and then he would tell me.

The words that I'm saying and what it actually meant. that was painful. It was painful, but it was like, no, not me. Hold on.

No, that is me. thank you for your vulnerability because I think a lot of people are in that position. I went through the same thing, Alex, like you grew up your whole life being told this is what you should be by a lot of different people. I think a lot of people, especially Francesca and I talk about this in the US specifically, right?

We're as young kids. Even adults are like, what do you wanna be when you grew up? It's like, how do I know I'm five? I have no idea.

And I had a high school teacher once say you're gonna change your careers eight times. And I thought that was crazy when he said that to us at in senior year. I think that's really true, especially as you start to. Find yourself and break away from what everyone has told you, this is what success looks like.

And you went on that journey. What did you discover about yourself through that process that changed everything for you? That changed everything. I think number one, my world was distorted.

Because of, what football had did for me, right? It made me a celebrity. And with that, depending on how high you go or how good the game you just played, you get free passes on your character. many times when I'm driving past the speed limit and I get pulled over and then they check my id, oh, hey man, how was the game?

How's it like playing for Mike Dicka? And then it just gets bypassed, Hey, just make sure you slow down around these areas. I said, oh, okay. Yes, Mr.

Officer. So that happens time and time again. And it's not just with that, but it's with many different deals, we get a free pass and to the point where you start to feel entitled. And I was one of those entitled athletes.

Until that platform, when I stopped playing all that entitlement, it was still there a little bit, but not everybody was putting up with, and again, thank goodness I was raised right. But there was a shift in terms of man, how people treat you. And you get used to being treated a certain way. And all of a sudden like that celebrity that platform isn't there anymore.

Now you gotta battle exactly who you are and you get a choice. You get to choose who you want to be. for me, I was like, okay what is something that really, and I use it today, and it's a game changer, but it was something that gave me a foundation. one of the big reasons that allowed me to play eight years instead of a three and a half, it was something that was taught to me by a coach.

once he gave me this framework, everything, this complex game became simple. so I used that framework because it gave me success on the football field. I started to use that framework when I stepped away. But it took me a while to figure out this whole thing because I was stuck.

How, walk us through that process. When you talk about the framework what is that framework for you? everyone has their own personal framework that's gonna work for them. There's the layup.

There we go. That was the hook I was waiting for you to ask me. I'm not going. it's just like how I coach my clients.

you have to give me permission. they had to give me permission before I can pour into them. So this framework is called assignment Alignment Adjustment. And I've added something else to it, and it's called assessment.

on the football field, once my coach, his name was Willie Shaw, and it happened after football practice. it was my first interaction with him. And he was a guru in terms of defensive back play He coached it for 20 plus years. He had great success wherever he went.

And then I had a chance to be with him for one year, and thank goodness it was my second year. So it was early on in my career. And he said Alex do you want to play a long time in this league? He said, yes, of course I want to play a long time.

I play a long time, make a lot of money, get interceptions, all that good stuff, right? He said, okay, you have to master these three things that would give you success. And I listened to him. He said, alignment, you have to be lined up correctly every time, no matter how you feel.

He said, I watched you and you were misaligned. Half of the time you're supposed to be outside leverage. You are inside. You're supposed to be eight yards off.

You are at seven. Like you are going up against the best athletes on planet Earth. You have to be aligned correctly because if you're not, you are given them an advantage over you before the ball is even snapped. So I've never heard that before.

Like I've never heard, like just broke that broken down. It was always, okay, you can line up at this and based on your speed and who you're going to, no, this is what it's, there was no grade check. And then the second thing was assignment. Alex, you need to know your role inside and out.

we had playbooks like in the NFL, our playbooks were like this thick and college, they were like this thick. I knew how to study, so when he said that, he said, you need to know your role inside and out. I said, okay. You also need to know everybody else's role who's on the field with you, because you need to be able to hold them accountable.

If you are expecting somebody to be there and they're not, you need to be able to address that. Don't wait till we go up to the sidelines and we talk to coaches. So I need to know everybody's role, everybody's job. Not saying I'm gonna take their job, but I need to know it so I can be able to like, I'm expecting you here.

That means I can play more aggressive here. I can check. Okay. So I need to get in that playbook and read it all over again and look at it through somebody else's lens.

And then the third thing he said, adjustment. You need to be ready to adjust. Alex. He said, this isn't peewee football word.

They just hike the ball and there's no movement. there's gonna be some type of audible, some type of motion, some type of shift. You need to be ahead of this. You need to be thinking the what if this happens?

What is your adjustment? Said you were behind the whole time. for me, the fourth thing I came up with, this is assessment. You need to be able to assess what you're doing, who you're becoming what you have available to you and assess it.

And then now with those four things, you can make better decisions. You can set yourself up for success and then see roadblocks down the way by having these four things set up. I took that. it took me years after that conversation with that nonprofit lady.

to develop that. once I developed that and I started using it in my own life, things took off. I'd love to dive into how you applied that in your own life after, because like the framework in football, so you have the playbook, right? but in life there's a bunch of different playbooks going on between family, profession, kids, like all of these different playbooks that you're now working from, and then developing your own.

So how did you use that framework to then develop. your master playbook for how you operate in the world. Absolutely. Yeah, so thank you.

For me, it was once I started to look at my life and what I wanted maybe it's because of the success, maybe because money we had, we had multiple homes, cars, and all stuff. But because of that, maybe I didn't look down deep in what I really wanted. I thought it was just come to me, right? Yeah.

once I was stuck and I said, man, okay, what do I wanna do? I want to do something that gives me the same amount of joy, if not more. Than when I was playing ball. That's what I want to do.

I don't know what that is, but that's what I want to do. but first I figured out I need to find out who I am. so I started to look at and with my coach who spent time with me in different environments. He gave me a diagnostic after spending months with me seeing me reach out to different people.

We worked out together. We traveled, And he said Alex, one of the things about you is you're friendly. You're a good guy, but. You are transactional, very transactional meaning you treat people differently based off who they are, the title that they have.

You treat people differently. I was confused. I was like, what Whatcha talking about? Harsh?

He said, yeah, weren't surprised. And when I was training I was a trainer at Nike World Headquarters for 15 plus years, and he spent time with me there and so he said, yeah, man, you treat the people at the front desk differently than you treat that executive. I was like, what? Yeah.

The whole thing is totally different. You're super cool with that. But another guy, You're very transact. Hey.

Yep. Take care. I'm at the front desk and I just wave them by. And instead of like with people who I know who they had titles of, Hey, what's up?

What's good with you? I treat 'em differently. And that's dangerous. Because you don't know what either person could do for you or your business.

Treat everybody like an asshole. Yeah, but if you're gonna treat people one way, treat 'em all like that. So the one thing, Mel, is I knew how to practice. I know what helped me become what I did in football.

It was because of practice. I was very intentional with practice. And so now I take that same F, okay, how do I practice being not transactional, but relational? I do it when I go to the coffee spot.

Anything that's transactional, like I am paying for something, I try to build a relationship, not in a creepy way, but I ask them, Hey, how are you doing? I look 'em right in your eye and I smile, how are you doing? Yes, Before I'm there to get whatever I want. I don't care if it's male or female, Hey, how are you doing?

and you'd be surprised on people's reactions. What? Yeah. I start to practice not being transactional and being relational.

that really helped me get out of that being transactional, you have to practice being who you want to be. You have to practice that so it becomes who you are. me and my wife, we have eight children. So I know that there's eyes watching me wherever I go, especially when I bring them, even when I don't bring them.

But I want them to see, man, this is how you talk to somebody who can possibly do nothing for you. This is how you treat them with respect, and this is how you get respect. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

It started, yeah. So I started, but, oh, that's what I wanted. but for me, it was like, okay, alignment. how am I gonna align my life?

So for me, I started to think my family is here, I was like, okay, family's first, right? And then my career came second. And then my health was maybe third, my friendships was fourth and then my faith was fifth. when I really look at my life and how I prioritize, how the time that I put is, I was like, okay, this isn't working.

What can I do? How can I change this? I'll never forget, I had a conversation with our second son he was getting married and I had a conversation like the day before the wedding with his pastor who's gonna be marrying him. I told him about that, right?

And he said, Alex, have you ever thought about it like this? Instead of you stacking those things on top of each other, what if it was like. Your family was one stone and then your health was another stone. Not stacked on top, but right next to it.

And what if your career was another stone and your relationships was one other? But then you have all that stuff bubble wrapped in your faith. So now wherever you go, any conversation you have. You are not necessarily preaching, you are just being able to, your faith should be able to, people should be able to see it in, in any environment.

And I loved how that, that framework And so I've put that in wherever, with my relationships, my health, all that stuff. My faith bubble wraps, And that's how I keep in alignment. I love that. Thinking instead of the stacking 'cause then it makes you force things versus the flexibility of the wrapper that you have with it.

That's it right there. Because before if I would stack it, then I'd say, okay, I gotta spend time with my family, or I gotta take these trips But then I also gotta work out. If I don't work out every day, I'm gonna feel a certain way and then, I gotta get into the word and, go to church and all this, man, what if I can go to church right now having a conversation about my faith right now. I'm curious, Alex.

I love your self discovery journey. 'cause so many people are finding themselves there, especially now, right? We lived through a pandemic, political climate, all the stuff, and then just the everyday stuff we deal with as people, right? It's a poignant time for everyone to pause and this reflection work is important.

In full disclosure, I'm also a coach, so I appreciate this work 'cause I think it's so good. What surprised you most about going through this process? what surprised you most about yourself and then just in general? I think what surprised me most is how difficult it was because I've been living in a certain way for so long and things were, for the most part, easy because of the skill that I had in this sport.

There was things that happened, like relationships that came my way. Opportunities that came my way based off of what I did in the past. And even now, I never thought, that the football would still be, I would still be benefiting from it almost 26 years from my last down playing. That was the difficult part.

But realizing alignment, which I just talked about, but then assignment. Right assignment was figuring out like, what am I here to do? What did God put me on this earth to do? And for the longest I thought it was football.

And maybe that's something that God has put you. On this earth to do for that limited amount of time. But male who, you know you're gonna have eight jobs, right? You gonna have eight jobs.

And it's man I thought I was just gonna be a football player forever. you start to figure out, what is your assignment? for me, it took me a while and when I start to chisel it out I was like, hold on. after football.

I did some research. I started digging about me and what lights me up. I want to help the younger versions of Alex. I didn't grow up playing the sport.

I was athletic, and I still trying to figure out like, how did this happen? my dad didn't play sports. He was on a swim team for one year. My mom didn't play sports.

she was smaller with long arms. man, how did that happen? Why am I, and so I wanted to start to pour into these people, 'cause somebody poured into me. they used to go to the boys club and I met this guy, his name was Ron.

And he was the director of sports, he ran the gym and man, I remember just hanging out with him and he taught me how to lift weights and man, it was such a positive person. And so I wanted to be that to other people. And so I started training athletes, and then I started, training people at Nike. And then once I got this whole framework with the lineman, assignment adjustment, man, now I was at Nike and people found out about me.

'Cause I train differently. I train individuals, like athletes instead of like just in the weight room. then I started getting to speaking because people found out on Nike's campus, former athlete, former NFL player who well-spoken And they bring me in and he talk team, we want to hear about team. And I was like, okay.

So I started talking, telling stories. But I wasn't really connecting the dots until I got somebody who has been there. I got a coach and he started helping me. Yeah, stories is cool, but how is this story is gonna help somebody in their career or help them become a better leader or help them be a better communicator?

How can you tie it back to the foundation of whatever that story was, how can you tie it back so it relates to them? that's when I started to get joy. The same amount of joy when I was playing football and when I first started training athletes. now that has changed, like I still speak, but now I do more consulting work with different companies.

I am a personal development and leadership coach, so I get one-on-one time with my clients For me, there's no off limits. If somebody wanna works with me. They can't be, yeah, we want to do this, Alex, but we are not gonna touch on personal life, which I just want you to help me become a better leader professionally. I said, no, I'm not the right person for you because I know if you don't develop the character you giving somebody the freedom to hold you accountable to the person that you want to be.

Because I don't believe in you being one person in one environment at work. And then you drive up in your driveway and you take off that work hat and you put on your family or husband cap and then you, I don't believe in that. So I understand I am different, but those are the things that really drive me, that I love waking up and I get to be able to pour into people. I wanna make this my assignment, make this world a better place by pouring into leaders and we're all leaders.

There's just different levels, just like anything else, right? especially for athletes, leadership is influence. When you boil it down, it's influence. I want to help those influencers influence others in a positive way.

Love it. I love the fact that the work on yourself is not easy. Anyone that's been on this journey, it is. And it's not like a month long journey.

It's this ever evolving thing There's a lot of people going through this right now, and I'm curious about where do you think people should start? If they're thinking about, like I'll tell you, Mel and I talk to folks all the time where they've just retired. They just got laid off. They are thinking about a pivot.

Where do they need to start? that rolls right into Francesca. that rolls right into adjustment, right? So how do people adjust?

first you need to find out like, okay. they have to be honest with themselves, right? Maybe they've been doing this career, doing this thing that start to become their identity. And it happens to a many of folks.

I'm not the only one. So first you have to understand like man who you are. At the core of it, who you are, not what you do, but who you are. taking an introspective look, what do I love?

What am I good at? what lights me up? What do I hate? start to take that information, okay, these are the things that I'm gonna stand on.

for many of us, you have to create a new standard for your life, right? I needed to create a new standard because I treated people a certain way and I was treated. There was many times I was used and I was okay with it. I didn't know it, but based off of me saying, yes, somebody using my relationships or using my platform without me even giving them permission to.

It was used. now I look at it totally different. people first need to understand, influence, who they are, who they want to be, I used the same things that help me on the football field, and I used that to help me become, what do I want to achieve? What do I want to do?

I need to adjust and learn how to influence people. you can do it with your words. You can do it with your smile. You can do it with your platform.

You can also do it with your ability. I did it for a lot of years with my ability to play football ball. Yeah. I love that.

Where should someone start tomorrow? Yeah. And what do they need to let go of? Yeah.

That's good. Start tomorrow. What do they need to let go of? Where do they start?

Yeah, those are good His poor wifi. I know his wifi is struggling. I wasn't sure if it was me. I'm like, son of a bitch.

I just reset my routers last night. I wonder if wifi is getting hacked because of Iran. Our wifi I have a router right behind my laptop. See?

Mine's right over here. And some days I'm talking to you and. It just completely stops working. And I'm like, what is happening?

I dunno, I don't think so. I don't, so I moved closer to the router. So funny. couple more questions.

I was wondering do you ever this is the thing. when I felt this and then when I talk to other people I hear this a lot. Like they've evolved, they've pivoted, and then they either miss their past selves or elements of their past selves, or sometimes they feel shame about their past selves. They do this whole, I could have, I should have, I would've.

As they're going into their pivot, what would be your advice for someone who's doing the whole shame walk about who they used to be? Okay. I'll tell a story. my freshman year at Oregon, I ended up rupturing, my ACL.

Ouch. And it was done. I thought it was a dirty play until I watched the film and I was like, hold on. That wasn't dirty.

I wasn't doing my job. I wasn't doing what I was taught. you're always taught to, when it's a run, you need the eyes go to the receiver, defeat the block. And then make the play.

30 minutes before that play is I got an interception for a touchdown. And so that success made me skip different things that I was taught, process. so now I'm 19 years old. I'm on tv.

It's a bowl game. And I want to make every play after that one play, I want to make every play. And that lack of discipline taught me something. it took me nine months to get back to where I was supposed to be.

And so when I look back at that moment. I used to tell people, I used to tell stories. I made it to the NFL's first round draft pick eight years, all this type of stuff in spite of an ACL repair. That should have ended my career.

But when you really dive down deep and you start to look, when I start to look at it, I was like, hold on, wait. That wasn't in spite of, it was because of that, that I was able to play. Eight years and be a first round draft pick. Because when you look at what it created you look at it at the positive, right?

I got interception, scored a touchdown. So I'm feeling top of the world, but that lack of discipline caused something else to happen. So then I paid the price. but what it created was now that gift that was given to me was taken away and I might have lost appreciation for it, but now I appreciated it because I worked so hard to get to where I was and it created relationships that pushed me to become better.

And so when I look at it, it was like, man, it wasn't. I don't look back at that as man feeling shame or whatnot. It's man, what did it do for me? Yeah.

It created me to be a beast. More of a beast that I thought I could become. And yeah. I don't look at my life.

I don't go back there and feel shame. I was 19 years old. And there's other people, they go back and it say, man, that was version Alex, 2.0.

Yeah. I'm on version 5.0 right now. I can see opportunities, I know when to say no, and I feel really good saying no.

You know what I'm saying? love that. So I love that. What a metaphor.

And to not to look back on that person got you here. And all those lessons got you here too. I really wish someone would refer to me as a beast at some point in my life. Like I would really like that.

That's my new life goal. It starts with yourself. I have to tell myself That's the new Alignment beast mode. That's what I'm talking about.

One last question for you, Alex. what should someone do tomorrow? What's like the one quick move that they could be doing tomorrow? think the biggest thing is to first ask themself Are they okay where they're at?

Or do they want to go further or are they stuck? That's the first question. And the second question would be like, okay, who do I need to become to reach this goal or do this thing? I want to start my own business.

I wanna start a podcast. I want to get this VP position. Who do you need to become? And you might not know That's when you got, okay, do I know somebody or do I know somebody that knows somebody that can sit down and have a cup of coffee with me?

I can ask them questions about the position, the role, what is it like to start a podcast? How difficult is it? What type of equipment do I need? Do you have the capability to reach those goals?

where do you want to go? Who do you need to become and what relationships do you need to align to get you there? Beast mode. Love it.

Peace. Go. Alex, thanks so much for joining us today. Thank you very much.

This was great, and I hope to be on again come I know you guys are, doing some dope stuff. If you haven't been listening for a while or you're catching up, or you're new here, we launched a newsletter, if you want one. Meaty insight driven email a month where we share frameworks that you can implement for yourself, for your team, for your org Sign up over on your work friends.com.

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