The Comparison Trap: How to Avoid and Get Out // Ep 85

Speaker A: Foreign.

Speaker B: Welcome back to another episode of the We Grow Together podcast. I'm Laura DeFrancesco, your host, founder of Dean Street Law, Flourish Co Working Space, Ethereal Farms, LD Brand with lots of courses like Acquisition Insights, Wild Ambition, Lifestyle Design, and author of the new book Entrepreneurship through Acquisition, A Legal Guide to Buying a Small business, which you can learn more about in the show Notes. I'm so excited to share more about today's episode. We're going to be talking about comparison, the thief of joy, how to avoid the comparison trap, how to stay in your own lane. So I'm really excited about this because it can be very challenging to me. I don't feel like I'm, um, on a daily basis comparing myself to others. But I also know that when I'm having my hardest times in life, it is because there's comparison. And it's something that you really grow through in your entrepreneurship journey, in your personal journey. So I think it's important that we talk about it with respect to comparison. I think it's both inspiring and stressful at the same time. So I am always looking at others for inspiration in other industries, other entrepreneurs. What are other people doing? What do I like, what do I not like? For me, that's a huge way of creating. My vision is seeing what other people are doing, seeing if I could have anything my way, what would I do? But oftentimes, like on social media, almost entirely my social media use is looking at inspiration, looking at things that feel good to me, but it can be very quickly turning into something unhealthy. But I think most of the time that's when you have a person or a specific thing that you find triggering. And you have to be honest with yourself, because especially for the younger generations that grew up with social media and grew up with the more prevalence of seeing other people's lifestyles, I feel like it can be so subconscious. I don't think that that's never been the case. Right. Like, we've always driven down the road, walked into town, seen other people, communicated with others. Like, there's always going to be people doing better, people doing worse than you, no matter where you are. So this is not something new to the 21st century, but I do think that it's new in our lifestyle, that we have a fixation on it. I like to always think about it, like, what if I lived in the 1800s, which is really fun for me because I like old historical books and all that kind of stuff. And, um, I'm thinking, like, if I was living in the 1800s, I would have to hear about something in the news. I would have to hear about something from other people. And your communication was so distant and so much less than it is today. Now people are spending hours on social media seeing other people's lives, seeing what other people are doing. They don't even realize how much it's warping them, um, subconsciously. So I would be very honest with yourself, like, where are you comparing yourself? Are you comparing yourself subconsciously and not even knowing it? Are you feeling down? And if you are, try some things to disrupt that, like a social media cleanse in order to kind of break the cycle and see if that makes you feel better, because you may not even be realizing how different our life is today than it was and how drastically that can impact your subconscious and how important it is to just make sure that you are creating and cultivating an environment for success for yourself where sometimes it's better to go back in time where these things didn't exist. I'll be super honest. Right now, I'm on a social media cleanse. We're in the middle of Lent, and I like to think of what I can give up that would be beneficial for me. And social media is something that was very easy for me to give up because, one, it's been a very hard go with the accident and rehab and having a concussion for six months and being in a lot of pain and not being able to do all of the things that I normally do. And then to add on top of that, while I honestly, like, lovingly block and hide almost every single person on social media, I'm like, I'll follow you, but, like, there's only literally, like four or five people who I watch their stories or they're on my feed and things, because I really curate my social media to be a positive experience of inspiration and not like, I don't feel the need to keep up with everybody because no one's feeling the need to keep up with me. Or maybe people do, who knows? Um, but, you know, for me, that's what I need to create an environment for success for myself. So I like to think of social media in that way. So, for the most part, social media for me is a healthy place because I'm so stringent about unfollowing people, about muting people, everything like that. But I did want to do a social media cleanse because I've been in a really hard mental space for a long time, like, getting through this, and I just thought that it would give me a nice Relief. And it is shocking how good it feels. And I really wasn't keeping up with many people. But even just, like, seeing my inspiration that I can't do right now, like, I can't garden and do equestrian things and ride and make gowns without being an insane amount of pain, right? So anything, basically that my body is a little bit that way is super painful for me or moving or jostling or anything like that. So I'm thinking, like, I thought that I had had social media in a really good place because it was inspirational for me, but I didn't realize that, like, my current limitations were just making me so sad. And I still have plenty that I'm working through emotionally and psychologically through all of that. But I do think that a, uh, social media cleanse has been helpful because as much as I love inspiration, my inspiration wasn't helping me get better. It was helping me stay inspired and stay excited and want to do these things. But, like, I can't right now. So why don't I just focus on learning or enjoying my time relaxing, trying to get better, doing rehab, like, whatever it is that it needs to be, right? So social media doesn't have to be all about comparing, um, yourself to a specific person. But I'm not gonna lie. I have also gone through periods in my business where I have been deeply triggered by people that were so successful and so seemingly easily successful. And I think that sometimes people are honestly triggered by me being successful because I've heard, like, uh, some people are like, oh, my God, she's so successful. She's so, like, it's so easy for her. And I'm like, guys, you don't even know. Like, you don't even know the things that I go through on a daily basis. And I feel very, like, humbled and happy and enjoying life. But that doesn't mean it's easy. And that doesn't mean that I and don't have things going on behind the scenes. But realistically, people only share, like, max 2% of their life on social media. And I'm, um, certainly not going to share all the hard things that I'm going through while I'm going through them. That's personal to me. I share things that I feel aligned with my values, inspire, share my story, share about my businesses, share my journey. And my journey includes plenty of ups and downs. I'm very transparent and authentic and honest. But that's 2% of my life. My life is so much more than that. And so whether it's the good things or the bad things or the challenges or the celebrations. There's so much that social media doesn't see, and that's the case for absolutely everybody. So when that happened, I did have to mute, unfollow, you know, really curate who's in my space, Whether that's on social media or in person or who's in my ear. I have to be the person that's creating an environment for success for myself. And that is deeply impacted when you're comparing yourself. And for me, it's just a cycle that you have to hop out of. For me, it's very easy to hop out of when I just turn it off. I don't think about it. It's really people being in front of me that makes me think about it. I'm curious for you is, are you thinking about it even when they're not in front of you, or is it their constant reminder that didn't used to happen that's in front of you? Okay, I have to tell you something that's so, like, personal and just wild. So I don't think that anybody should follow or be connected with online people that they've had romantic relationships in the past. Now I say, like, I don't think anybody should, and I don't, like, say that prescription to anybody. I'm, um, saying, like, in my world, in my philosophy, like, I do not believe in staying connected with people that you've been in relationships in the past. Because I'm in a relationship with someone right now who means the world to me. And I don't think that it's healthy to have constant reminders of, like, you know, the time hop and, like, all that junk that Apple does and that Facebook does and, like, following someone on social media and keeping up with their life. Like, I don't personally understand that. To me, I like the 1700s, where if you weren't interested in a person anymore, you never saw them again, like, ever. And that, to me, is an amazing thing that I just don't feel like is helpful or supports you in any way. I do think that people can be friends. I'm sure that that's great for other people. That's not me in my relationships or my life. Um, so I just think that out of sight, out of mind, like, that is a beautiful thing to think about in your life, Whether it's comparison or prior relationships or anything like that. Out of Sight, out of Mind works beautifully for so many people. The number one question I'm asked is,

Speaker A: how do I do all the things I Do. So I put this into a course, a workbook and a workshop where you can find all the little details about how I do this on a daily basis.

Speaker B: And I've called it the Wild Ambition

Speaker A: Lifestyle design course, workbook and workshop. Transform your dreams into reality with guided vision, setting, storyboarding, journaling, and all the tools I use to bring my dreams to Life. With over 100 lessons, 200 plus pages of workbooks, and lifetime access so you can return to it whenever you need to. The course itself is that iterative process of how we continue to evolve over time to be the best version of of ourselves. If you are an ambitious individual, if you want to make your dreams come true, I think you'll really love wild ambition and I encourage you to check

Speaker B: it out in the show notes.

Speaker A: Start your journey today.

Speaker B: Enroll now.

Speaker A: To dream and live with wild ambition.

Speaker B: So how do I use comparison positively? I use comparison positively, especially in my businesses, but also in my inspiration in my personal life to draw inspiration from. What I think is when it doesn't become helpful or useful is when instead of drawing inspiration from something, you're following something or you're getting fed too much of it. So, like, I like to personally decide. I don't like to follow all the people that I admire. I love different horseback riders, but I don't want to follow all of them. I would rather spend my time outside with my horses. And then when I have a moment when I'm like, oh, how are they doing in their career? Then I go spend time, like, enjoying what they're doing, getting inspired by them, and I spend like five minutes on it. Like, it's not like something that's taking hours of my week and something takes five minutes. Now, I do spend a lot of time on education, learning, learning from books, podcasts, courses online. I spend an insane amount of time learning. To me, that's so hyper different than comparing yourself and watching them and taking something that's inspiration and information and making it like a constant feed in your life. Like, I just don't think that that's very healthy in any respect. That's why there's like five people that I follow actually on social media who aren't muted. I love you all. I'm sorry, to be honest. Just try to be honest. Um, yeah. Love you all.

Speaker A: So that's. I just don't think it's healthy for

Speaker B: there to be any sort of person who's a fixture in someone's life. And I think it's helpful to get information and inspiration and then like live Your life. Like that's it. Like, I don't want to spend time like following other people or absorbing in what they're doing or comparing myself to them. Like I want to just live my life and enjoy my life. But I will say we do compare comparative analysis for our business on a every three year or so basis, whenever it needs to be updated, whenever it gets out of date and we do a market analysis and we gather facts. And I'm constantly seeing what people are doing in other industries, in other businesses, what I find inspiring, what I find to be innovative, how I can cross pollinate ideas. So I'm always using comparison and I'm always comparing myself and my present self to my past self. And I'm also always comparing my output in life to my vision, which is part of the reason why I have such a high standard of excellence in our business. And I'm very, I give a lot of feedback to our team members and the output that we put together is something that I'm incredibly proud of because I have a comparison of like my vision of myself that I'm comparing my present self to or what our work product is. And I'm constantly evolving and getting better in that regard. So I think comparison is an amazing thing whether you use it in your business or your life. Like I use the same thing when I'm training horses and when I'm working with horses or when I'm creating my relationship, I see what people do in other things. Okay, you want to hear something really funny? I love using books and romance books as inspiration for my relationship. And I like to think of it mostly as like how I can be a better partner and how I can learn lessons. So fantasy romance, fantasy romantasy, rom com, historical romances. Like I love a good romance because it has a happy ending. Uh, it's not stressful. It's a little bit of enjoyment and escapism. And they're super quick, easy reads and it's great to be like a palate cleanser for my insane life sometimes. So I love to use them as inspiration, but I would never use them, um, to the detriment and comparison. And like if my human, my favorite human on earth is not standing up to be like the best book boyfriend, I think he's way better than any book boyfriend personally. But like, I'm not comparing him to the book boyfriend or whatever it is. But I do like to say I m could be better at forgiving, I could be better at communicating. Like I like to use it as a way to Do a little bit of self learning and learning from experience. Experience of others rather than me, even though it's fiction.

Speaker A: So I think there's a lot that

Speaker B: you can learn from comparison in a positive way. And it's all about how you're framing it and how you're interpreting that information, whether it's something that's giving you doubts or stress or something that's giving you inspiration. And you just have to be constantly taking your own temperature and saying, is this helping me? Is it hurting me? Do I need more of this? Do I need less of this? And I always think that less is more, especially in comparison. And inspiration, like take your inspiration and go like create your Pinterest board and then let it be like, that's your inspiration and your vision. It's not your execution list. That was something that I had in my conversation with our wedding coordinator is just like, oh, this is the Pinterest board. But this is not like our project board. We're not trying to do all of these things. This is the vision, this is the vibe, this is the feel that's I think really important when you're thinking about inspiration and getting that in this Pinterest Instagram culture that we live in.

Speaker A: When I was starting my business, I needed a place to create. A place that filled me from the inside out. Somewhere that inspired me, helped me make content a m place where I could

Speaker B: go to get good work done and

Speaker A: host events, gather in community, celebrate one another, host family and friends friends for gatherings. So I created Flourish co working space in West Chester, Pennsylvania. It's a space that nourishes you from the inside out. It's lush, inspiring environment with hundreds of plants to make you feel like your best self so that you can do your best work and gathering community in a way that's casual, inviting and just incredible. I hope you check it out. If you need a co working or events that space in Westchester, Pennsylvania, be sure to visit us and book your co working or event today.

Speaker B: And then how do you stay focused on your own goals? For me, that's ripping off the band aid and saying thanks, that's great. I've had enough. Now, tactically speaking, you can put the times on your phones, you can do cleanses, you can delete the apps. I actually am doing the social media cleanse, but I have a business phone still and I do need to post certain things for business. So, um, for me, my cleanse is not having it on my personal phone and that is amazing and I absolutely love it and I could care less about TikTok. Personally, I just like Instagram and the pretty pictures and all that kind of stuff. It's like my version of magazines. So whether you use technology and the guardrails that you can create in it to create yourself, a little bit of an environment of success paired with your honesty with yourself I think is really helpful. And then honestly just spend time doing life. And I think that's the thing that you always have to remember. My philosophy is if you are consuming, you are not creating. And I would sure as hell rather be creating in life than consuming. I would rather be doing life and living life than watching life. So for me I just like to be very honest with myself and say, am I consuming or am I creating? And if I'm not creating, I want to start living life. I hope that you enjoyed this episode and that you found it helpful. I think there's so much that you

Speaker A: can do to stay in your own

Speaker B: lane and focus on your own goals. Check out some more of our podcasts about seasonal reflections, about annual planning. All of those will be a good way to segue into how to start taking action in your life. I hope you found this positive and helpful. Let us know what you'd like to hear about in our next episode. Be sure to leave a comment. Leave us a 5 star review share on social Media Share with your friends Tag us aramdfrancescolourishwestchester um, and be sure to check out my new book, Entrepreneurship Through A Legal Guide to Buying a Small Business. Thanks.

Speaker A: Cheers.

Speaker B: We grow together.