Influence with Impact: How to Lead, Persuade, and Inspire in Any Role

Speaker A: M welcome to Suits and Pajamas, where grace meets grit and ambition learns how to breathe. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Suits and Pajamas, the space where we cut through the Polish leadership cliches and talk about what it really takes to show up authentically at work and at home. Today we're digging into something that a lot of people get wrong, frankly, and that's influence. Too often influence is framed like it's charisma or being inspirational. But truly influence, well, meaningful, lasting influence is about how your actions land on other people. Influence is what happens when that meeting ends, when your team goes back to their desks, and when your decisions ripple out into the culture. And let me be clear, every single one of us has influence. Whether you're a CEO or the newest hire, your words and choices shape the people around you. But here's the kicker. Influence can either build people up or it can break them down. And when leaders use their influence to cover for their own failures, when they deflect, when they throw people under the bus, that's not just weak, that's downright cowardly. And it poisons trust faster than anything else. And so today we're going to go a little deep here and we're going to talk about it. We're going to talk about why influence without accountability is dangerous, how leaders damage trust when they refuse to own their mistakes. And then we're going to talk about some real tools, some messy and uncomfortable, but they're real. That will hopefully help you influence with impact. And no title is required, so go get comfortable, grab your coffee, tea or wine, and let's get into this. First, let's start by saying, well, let me start by saying rather, influence isn't neutral. It's a double edged sword. On one side. It can inspire, it can motivate and transform. Think of the leader who steps up and says, this was my call, I got it wrong. Here's how we're going to fix it. That's influence. Their courage creates safety for others to admit mistakes as well. And so that moment becomes culture shaping in the best way. Uh, on the other side, again, influence can destroy. So think of that leader who dodges responsibility. They say things like, the team didn't execute, or worse, they specifically say the name, like, that was John's failure, not mine, or that was John's failure. He didn't touch base with me. I would have steered him in a different direction. So that's also influence, except that it spreads fear, resentment and distrust. People start protecting themselves instead of collaborating. When influence is used in A negative way. And suddenly you'll have this culture of blame instead of a culture of ownership. So every time you open your mouth, you're influencing. The question is, are you creating trust or are you eroding it? Here's a scenario for you. Imagine you're sitting in a leadership meeting. A major initiative just failed. Deadlines were missed, Customers are frustrated, or perhaps like revenue projections dropped. Everyone in the room knows the decision came from senior leadership. And now the CEO speaks here. She says, this decision was mine. My team did exactly as I asked them to. Now let's focus on fixing it. Option two, you have a leader who says there were execution problems with the team. Feel the difference there? Each one creates an entirely different culture. One creates psychological safety while the other creates self protection. And here's the fascinating thing. Uh, people will remember that moment for years. Not the strategy, definitely not the spreadsheet. But they will remember the moment. And that's influence. So think about this. Have you ever been in a meeting where a leader threw someone under the bus? I bet you have. What happened after? Did you feel like trust was going to increase or did people start protecting themselves? That shift, that emotional shift, is influence. Okay, now let's be real. Leadership without accountability isn't really leadership. It's performative theater. If you're in a leadership role and you can't take responsibility when things go wrong, you're not leading, you're hiding. And here's the truth. Your team sees it. They may not call you out to your face, but trust me, they're talking about it after the meeting. I've seen leaders destroy entire departments or divisions because they refuse to own their mistakes. It's cowardly to push blame down the org chart. When you're the one who made the call. You're the one with the power to say, whether yay or nay. We move on this project. That isn't protecting the business. That's self preservation at the expense of your people. And so here's the difference that accountability can make. When leaders own failure, teams are likely to rally. People will go the extra mile for a leader who stands in the fire with them. When leaders deflect, teams disengage. They stop taking risks because they know they'll be punished for the leader's missteps. So if you want to grow real influence, start with this. Own your mess publicly, not one on one after the fact with that person. Own it publicly. Because the moment you take responsibility, instead of dodging it in front of people, you show your team that accountability is the standard, and they'll follow your lead. One of the reasons influence fascinates me is because we watch it play out on the world stage every single day. Think about how people talk about the current potus. Every speech is analyzed, every crisis response is scrutinized. Every decision is debated. People ask questions, rightfully so, like, does he take responsibility? Does he unite people? Does he divide people? Does he even listen? Does he care whether people agree with the president politically or not? Everyone internationally on the global stage, by the way, is evaluating his leadership influence. And what's interesting is that the same dynamic exists inside organizations. Don't think for one second that your team's not watching you the same way when something goes wrong. They're asking, does my leader own this or does he blame someone else? That moment becomes the trust barometer. And I also want to talk about something else because I think even I used to kind of use this term or this phrase, and I've kind of since reevaluated a little bit. So I want to talk about the concept of agree to disagree. It can become a trap. And that's because when you think about conflict, uh, conflict influence is really tested in disagreement. There's the idea that agree to disagree is the mature thing to say. However, it can often serve as a cop out because sometimes leaders will use it to shut down the, uh, conversation instead of sitting with the discomfort of real dialogue. True influence doesn't run from conflict. It leans in and it says, we see this differently. And I value that. Let's push through until we understand each other. That's how teams innovate, by not glossing over the hard stuff. But if you're the leader who always has to be right, oh, my goodness. Uh, oh, we've all had them. The person who retreats into silence when they're challenged, or they just don't show up the way you need them to. That kind of a leader will cause your influence to shrink. Those leaders that do that, your influence is shrinking. People stop bringing you ideas because they know you'll either dismiss them or avoid the conversation altogether. So here's the rule. Disagree with respect, but never disengage. Influence grows in the messy middle of all that. So here's a scenario for you. Imagine you're in a strategy meeting. Someone on your team challenges your idea. They say something like, I'm not sure this direction makes sense based on the data. Now you, uh, have a choice. You can say, tell me more, or you can say, let's just agree to disagree and move forward. The Second option feels really polite, still feels polite, but it kills influence. Because what your team hears is your voice. Doesn't matter. When you say, uh, let's agree to disagree, you're shutting down the conversation full stop. Versus if you say tell me more, you're at least open to engaging to hear more about the differences. And there's a lot of, uh, gems in the differences because you don't have all the answers. And frankly, why did you hire other people if you were only going to listen to your own voice? You know, so there's that. But when your team hears that your voice does matter, it can be very inspiring, it can be very encouraging. It makes people want to work that much harder for you. Great leaders understand something really important, though. Conflict is often a sign of engagement, and silence is usually a sign of fear. So when you're sitting in that room and you're inviting people to speak up and people don't, it's usually because on, um, on some level there's, there's a culture of fear and people are afraid to say anything. So here's the rule. Things to think about, disagree with respect. And remember, the influence grows in that messy middle. Now, I said something earlier about charisma, right? And not mistaking influence, uh, for charisma. And so I want to kind of talk about that like there's charisma and then there's character, right? Let's talk charisma versus character. A lot of people really think influence comes from charisma. The inspiring speech, the big personality, the commanding presence even. But if you think about the leaders that you truly trust, it's rarely the loudest person in the room. It's in most cases the person who's been the most consistent. The leader who will tell the truth, the leader who will admit the mistakes, protect their people and stand by their values. That's character. And character sustains influence far longer than charisma M ever will. So remember that. All right, so let's get tactical a little bit. And, uh, not the surface kind. Like recognize somebody. This week I'm talking about, like the really hard, gritty work of building influence that's going to last. I have five practical tools. Number one, post mortem ownership. So after a project fails or even after one succeeds, by the way, just kind of ask, what did I own in this outcome? What is mine to carry from this outcome? And then share that openly with your team. If something didn't go well, be prepared to share that because you also want them to learn. You want to teach your team what not to do. And oftentimes that only comes if you're humble enough to admit that you're the one who made a mistake. Because when they then make a mistake, they're more likely to come to you proactively to say, I did this thing and it failed. They can get in front of that with you, and you can work collectively on a solution. Number two, reverse influence. Check. Ask yourself, if someone on my team treated me the way I just treated them, how would I feel? Remember, influence is a mirror. What you put out always reflects back. Number three. Number three. Number three. Number three. Oh, I know. Every last one of you listening knows about number three. And we're going to talk about killing the bus. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever throw someone under it. Instead, replace blame with curiosity. Ask what happened here? What did we learn? How do we improve? Great leaders know this. If the team failed, leadership failed somewhere, too. And you'll be amazed at how much more your team will risk when they know you won't sacrifice them to cover, uh, for yourself. Number four, anchor in values. Influence. M with impact requires a spine. And I have to say that's one of the things I look for in a leader, is someone with spine. Because oftentimes you have to say that thing that even your peers in the C suite don't want to hear. Maybe the CEO doesn't want to hear it. You know, they probably don't want to hear it, but you still know it's the best thing to be said. They made a mistake, and it's okay to call them out and you don't have to do it disrespectfully, but you got to have a spine. Have a spine and stick to your own values. No, what your values are, and then filter your decisions and your feedback through them. Even when it costs you. Actually, especially when it costs you. Uh, I would say for myself personally, there have been many, many times where I had to put on my big girl draws. As I say and say the thing that I knew my managers probably would not appreciate or like. But I still said it because it needed to be said, and I was willing to take the chance that they would be upset with me. They would see me as less than whatever. Whatever comes with just speaking your truth and your boss not agreeing with you. But I do think that there's a certain level of courage it takes to speak up, and I try my best to do it every time. Not perfect, but I really do try. Number five, call out the cowardice. Now, this is the one that's very uncomfortable. But if you see blame is shifting, you see blame shifting happening, whether it's peer to peer or above, you name it. Influence grows when you protect the standard, not just your own reputation. So it is uncomfortable. But my goodness, if you can just call out the cowardice, you're a heck of a leader in your own right. And now for the best news of all. You don't need the word manager or VP or chief in your title to Influence with impact. Every time you step into a room, you're writing the culture with your words and with your actions. I do miss being sometimes in the office, um, because oftentimes I find influence happens in the hallway. But these days it can also be attained via a Slack thread. And it happens in the moment where you decide whether or not to back someone up or leave them hanging or throwing them under the bus. Just remember that titles give authority, influence gives trust, and trust really is what makes people follow. And so before we wrap up, I want to try something this week. Think about that last meeting that you were in. After you spoke, did the room feel safer, more collaborative, more open? Or did it feel tense, quiet, defensive? That emotional shift is influenced. And the more aware that you become of that impact, the stronger your leadership becomes. So audit your influence. Not the the version you want to believe about yourself, but the version your team actually experiences. If you're in touch with your team, you know it. You read their body language. You know how they're perceiving your leadership in that moment. So you should be asking yourself, do people feel safer after you speak, or do they feel smaller? Do you feel the room shrinking? Do you own your mistakes when you're talking about that project that didn't work? Or do you outsource the blame? Do you model the courage and conflict, or do you retreat behind? Agree to disagree, because here's the truth. Influence without accountability is manipulation. That's just how I feel. And if you're leading without accountability, you're not leading. You're simply protecting yourself. All right, all right, that's going to do it for today's episode of Suits and Pajamas. Remember, influence with impact isn't about charisma or clever words. It's about the courage to own your mess, the discipline to build trust, and the consistency to live your values out loud. If this episode hit a nerve, well, that's kind of the point. We don't grow by staying comfortable. We grow by facing the hard truths. Until next time. Take care, Sam. Mhm.