7MS #728: Securing Your Family During and After a Disaster - Part 8

Speaker A: Hello and welcome to the 7 Minute Security Podcast. My name is Brian Johnson, and today I'm your grieving friend and host. Um, because my dad passed away on Friday, um, actually, just as I was sitting down to record an episode about something really technical and fun and hacker related. And, uh, so I want to pivot today and make this an episode in the category of securing your family during and after a disaster. This was a series that I started in 2019 when we had a house fire and we lost the house and the vehicles, but our family didn't sustain any injury. So I'm very. We're very blessed for that. I'm thankful for that every day. Um, but I kind of started using that series to talk through. How do you do the physical rebuild? What about insurance? What about money? What about the mental health of your family who has sustained obvious trauma from all this? Um, so if you want a real. To have a real downer today, you could go check out those episodes or you could just stay tuned for this one as I talk about, uh, my dad's, uh, passing and, um, just some thoughts about, like, funeral preparation and also things that I'm glad that both my mom and dad had lined up ahead of time that is making this grieving and planning process at least a little less anxiety ridden. Um, I am going to talk pretty transparently and pretty raw today. Um, and it is about death and dying. And so if you're like, this is not for me, or God forbid, this is the first episode you've listened to and you're like, what fresh podcast hell did I just step into? Um, you might want to step out at this point and I can catch you next week where we'll definitely talk about something more on point and on track. I never do two mental health episodes in a row for my sanity and for years. I also know that I've gotten lots of notes over the years where people have said, hey, I feel comfortable listening to this podcast with my kids in the room. Two things about that. Number one, I'm sorry that I just used the H word. And number two, um, being that this is about grief and death and dying, it's sensitive stuff. Everybody handles it differently. Everybody has different viewpoints and opinions. Maybe this is one not for the kids, or you listen first before you decide if it's for kids. Um, so I just want to talk you through the worst of it, because for me, this podcast has become a bit of therapy over the years, and I feel better sharing the worst with you because I know, based on feedback, that it lands with some people. And maybe not today, maybe years from now you'll go, oh, I can relate to that. Or I appreciate that you shared that pain because I have it. And having heard your experience makes it just a tiny bit easier to navigate. Um, so really, as far as my dad's passing, it was both the best of conditions and worst of conditions. So my oldest son, Cameron, who's just about done with paramedic school, he's an EMT right now, and he's just a month away from getting his paramedic certification. He was up there to spend a few days cutting down trees and filling dirt holes and kind of helping my dad with lawn maintenance because he, um, was 89, he would have been 90 this year. So he still thinks he can do all the things himself. But, um, he is also willing to take help from my son. So he was up there and then my sister's, um, son was up as well. And so Thursday, as my son Cameron described it, my dad had like the best day ever. He was out in the yard all day with the boys doing his, some of his favorite things, which was endless tinkering in the yard. Let's get out the chainsaws, let's cut down some stuff, let's make a little fire of brush and wood here and then let's get the four wheeler hooked up to a trailer and let's haul table and chairs back to the far end of the woods and let's do trap shooting. Okay, great, let's do that. Now let's, um, you know, now let's mow and let's plant some grass seed and you know, let's weed whip and you know, like the yard was kind of my dad's peace sanctuary. And that's, I mean, since they moved up to that property in like 2000, that's his happy place. I mean, just big dumb happy smile on his face if he's out tinkering. And he, I would guess that if today he was a kid and was diagnosed, they'd say, you know, super rabid adhd. But it's just funny because his yard looks like it. I mean, it's very well meticulously taken care of. But everywhere, as you take a walk through the woods, there's little projects, there's a half built deer stand, there's a whole dug for some reason, uh, for bodies. I don't know, I'll, um, I mean, who knows, Just all these little things. But he, he would touch a little bit of each project every day. So you know what I mean, he'd start at one corner and be like, okay, well, this tree's chopped down. I don't want to fully saw it up and haul it away. I'm gonna go to this other project for a while. So anyway, that's just to give you a little glimpse of, like, how much he loved the outdoors and just being busy and doing stuff. And, um, and then they went to their favorite Chinese food place in town and then got, uh, home and I think played some board games or something. And then my son and my nephew were playing video games. And like, for the first time in forever, uh, my dad sat down and was just like, whoa, what is this? This looks amazing. He hadn't seen console video games since the Atari 5200. And my son and nephew were playing, I don't know, NBA something, something on the PlayStation, which, uh, even, you know, I hadn't seen that for a long time and have seen the game now. And I'm like, this looks photorealistic. And my dad, it took him a second, I guess, when they were playing Thursday, uh, night, where he was just like, oh, my gosh, this looks like real life. You guys are controlling this. That's amazing. So then he went to bed. And then, uh, the next morning, uh, my son Cam got up and, you know, went down and played with the dog and did some stuff outside. And he was actually just getting ready to leave around 8 in the morning, um, because he had an EMT shift for this job that he has. And suddenly he was like, okay, that's really weird that grandpa isn't down already. He's usually an early riser. Um, and then I think my mom said, yeah, that is weird. Let's run up and check on him. And so she went upstairs, um, and opened up the bedroom. And then, um, my dad was on the floor and he, He wasn't, he wasn't responsive. And my son Cameron just sprung into EMT mode and he got my mom to get 911 on the phone and he started, um, you know, all the CPR stuff for, uh, he got on the phone and the, the 911 person was counting with him. Um, and, you know, all the, the breaths and the chest compressions and stuff. And. And my son did it for 10 straight minutes. And, um, by then even the. And they wanted to take over for him and he was just like, still going at it. And, uh, the part that is. I shouldn't even share this, but the part of that, I mean, all of that is going to like, haunt me because as his parents, you know, him going to be a paramedic soon. We're like thinking, well, he's going to see a lot of bad stuff, right? But what would be the absolute worst would be to have to work on like a classmate or somebody from church, right? Or a friend or a cousin or whatever. But this would be the worst. I mean, this is what we absolutely did not want to ever happen, uh, to him is to work on grandpa. Because I should have mentioned before, but like, my dad is Cameron's favorite person in the whole world. Um, they've just been like best friends forever. Um, and I'm gonna go all over the place, but it's fine, you're just gonna have to go ahead and be okay with it. I mean, if you're listening even now, you're. I assume you're just okay with tangents and rambling. But I think I've shared before, but Cameron, we adopted from Guatemala and uh, brought him home. And I think that next, about a week after just getting him comfortable with being home, we drove him up to my parents. And uh, my dad is somebody who, like, it's sort of a rite of passage that if you're, I mean, even if you visit the property, it's like you got to have a four wheeler ride and you got to go to his shooting range and shoot a 22 or, you know, something. And so I remember when we brought Cam up there, we told my dad, hey, absolutely no, I mean, certainly no shooting around him or with him. He's like 13 months. But under no circumstances should you put him on a four wheeler because, you know, he was just getting used to grass. He hadn't had his feet and hands in grass since he was in Guatemala. So everything was sensory overload. And he was just quiet. He just had these big eyes about everything. Like he hadn't had like real food. They just had this hot flavorless rice mix that they kind of fed the kids at the orphanage. So everything was a new sensation to him. And we said, this will be overload, so do not get him near or on a four wheeler. He said, oh, absolutely, I'm not going to do that. And then I got yapping in the kitchen with my mom and my wife Amy. And all of a sudden we're like, where? And my dad was downstairs in like the family room playing with Cam. And all of a sudden we look at each other and we're like, where's dad and Cam? And in the distance you can hear a noise getting louder and louder. And of course around the Side of the house. Here comes my dad going like 1 mile per hour on the four wheeler with, you know, he's got Cam latched in, uh, you know, hugging him tight with. With one arm. And Cam's eyes were the size of dinner plates. He didn't look. I'll say this, he didn't look terrified. He also didn't look like he was loving it. And he never cried, never made a big fuss about it. And of course, you know, we ran outside of the deck and I wanted to scold my dad, but I didn't want. You know how kids can then see that burst of emotion from their parents and then explode in tears? Or like, if the kid knocks their head on something and then your reaction is to be like, oh, oh, geez, are you okay? I was trying to not do that, right? But I was like, dad. And I'm giving him the like, cut the engine thing. And my dad just looked so happy. He's like, ah, uh, we got to get him used to the four wheeler, right? And again, it's like that they, they were just like forged as a dynamic duo that day. And, um, yeah, Cam, my dad has been Cam's favorite person. Um, but back to my dad, my son trying to revive my dad. There were no, there were no vitals before he started. And, um, with him usually being up at like 5:30 in the morning, they heard him get up and go to the bathroom, or my mom did at like 5:30. But then after that, you know, my mom had been up since 4, so she hadn't been up there. It, you know, he was, he was likely gone for quite a long time. But the fact that my mom said that Cam was like, oh, God, that he was like talking to my dad the whole time, like, you know, come on, we're gonna get you, you know, out of this. I need you to wake up. You know, I love you. I don't want you to go. It's like, that's the stuff out of a movie that if you saw it in a movie, you'd be like, it's too heavy handed. It's too much. Oh my God. The audience can't. Can't take the grandpa dying while the grandson performs cpr. Um, so they kept that up. The paramedics got there, um, and, oh, the, the cop that got there first, within like the first ten minutes of Cam doing cpr. Um, Cam was annoyed with him because he didn't know how to put on that, um, auto heart starter thing. What is that? IED or something? I don't want to speak out of turn, but you can just, like, place it on somebody's chest and, like, basically push a button, and the bot will, you know, assess the vitals and then advise on whether or not to do a shock. And then the, like, the bot voice thing said, like, you know, Something like, no heartbeat detected. Shock not advised. Um, paramedics got there shortly after. They kept going with attempts to revive him and, you know, just never got, um, so much as a. A blip of vitals. So then after I think 50 minutes or an hour, they called into their medical director and. And, um, said, you know, they weren't gonna. Whatever they call it, they called it, pronounced him dead or pronounced that there was no longer productive to try to revive him. So, you know, and it's like my wife and I are an hour and a half away on speakerphone, you know, packing while we're talking. You know, we're. We're kind of on speakerphone through, um, this. The last part of it. Not while he was doing cpr, but, um, once they had the paramedics had taken over, Cam called us, and it was just, you know, understandably inconsolable to the point where we thought he was going to pass out because he called. When he called us, the first thing we heard. We heard was arrested. And my mind went to what, he's been arrested? Because I knew he had to leave soon. I thought he was on the road and something had happened and he had been arrested. Um, but he had said, like, related to the heart. He had, you know, arrested, um, as in cardiac arrest. Um, so anyway, we. We made our way up there, and, um, yeah, got there and, you know, gave everybody big hugs and lots of tears, and, um, I thought that they had already, um. I'm, like, regretting sharing this. It's just like, ah, uh, it's just, like, too much, man. But it's. It's important, though. You know, I don't want to totally bum you out and have you be like, oh, my God, unsubscribe, but it's like, this is just important stuff to talk about, you know, what's the point of this? Sometimes your nightmares come true. Yep. I guess I thought they had taken the body away, and, man, God bless Cam. He said, um. He said I had them cover up grandpa and just, um. And just, um, kind of clean up everything, but then leave him upstairs if he wanted to have a few minutes with him. It. So I got to go up and just, uh, sit with him and have a few minutes and pray. And talk and actually, there was just. There's something really for me that's not for everybody. Right. Some family members chose not to do that. And then it's 100% fine. You know, I. I think what I've learned from losing Amy's mom many years ago, way too young, I think I have a pretty. I don't know, I feel very sensitive and understanding that everybody grieves in different ways in different times. My personal approach is to, like, head straight into it. Meaning, like, don't not say things, don't hold back stories, don't hold back questions. And I try to encourage that in my kids as well. Because, um, just growing up when I had like a. A grandpa that was very close to me die, it was just. It was just very scary and overwhelming. And I. I was not in an environment where it felt like questions or tears were welcome. And now I'm just like, you know, I just find myself telling everybody, you don't have to be strong about this. You don't have to put a positive spin about this. Like, this is. This is awful. We've lost our dad, We've lost our grandpa. Like, it's okay to grieve him. I kind of grew up, you know, where it was more like, well, just let's look, you know, count our blessings. Let's look at the positive. Certainly that's. There's a time and place for that, but for me, I need the loss, the grief part first. And I need time and space to sit in that. Not forever, but I need time to just go, this sucks. I, um, miss him. I need him. I want him here. He had a profound effect on my life. And now I won't be able to call him and I won't be able to email him, and I won't be able to text him and come up here, and nothing. You know, there's just so many things that'll never be the same. I. I want to think about that and sit in that and talk about that for. For a while. But anyway, I found, um, that. That, you know, um, sitting with my dad in that bedroom, um, it's both, like, devastating, but also there's just. There was something that gave me some kind of immediate closure. And, um, you know, I just. I won't go into the detail, but I just. And I don't believe that he's there, but I just said a lot of things to him. I just said how thankful I was for. For him, for his years of service in the army and the police force. He was a Pilot as well and taught a lot of, and inspired a lot of future police officers. Pilots, very active in church and always serving the community and just like a super good example of what the qualities, um, that a great dad and grandpa should have. Um, so to be able to just kind of sit there in silence and just stream of consciousness, I mean, you think? I do tangents on this podcast. Oh my gosh, boy, I covered everything with him. I covered um, a whole life's worth of, of things, uh, and memories and you know, it was just, it was just something kind of healing about that and also, you know, incredibly devastating at the same time. So. Yeah, and then, um, yeah, then the people from the funeral home came and I helped them get my dad kind of onto the stretcher and down into their, the hearse and. And then we just, yeah, spent the rest of the day telling stories about grandpa going for walks, um, doing some four wheeler rides, taking care of his grass. And then the next day we went in and talked to the funeral home about what the service, uh, would be like. And here's where I wanted to kind of offer some tips for preparing to die, I guess. And I talked about this a long time ago, I think it was the last episode about securing your family during and after a disaster. Um, but man, my parents had everything pretty much already picked out. I mean as far as order of service. They had their top five list of pastors to run the service. They had Bible verses picked out. They had um, music, a music slot that I'm going to do a song, they had that already in there. And then two like congregational hymns. And he wants the service to be no more than 45 minutes and have the um, was it the uh, like the um, military. Ah. Uh, what is it called where they do the gun salute and the, and the taps. And um, he had pre picked out some pictures he wants on his photo board. Like he had a lot of that already set. So when we sat down with the funeral director, it was just more like them reconfirming it with their own spreadsheet and then making calls to the church to reserve the church and getting um, getting food lined up for the number of people we thought were coming and those kind of details. So um, you know, that was all hard, but it's like a lot of the big decisions were already made so that, that made it easier. So that's a tip I would share. I mean it's never spoiler alert. We're not going to be here forever. Um, you know, maybe depending on when you hear this you might go. You know, maybe now's the time to just have some of those plans sketched out. Um, he had already pre written his own obituary as well. Just very, very prepared. And um, and then, yeah, then my um, family headed home. So this was yesterday, um, because my son had a work shift. My older son Cameron had a work shift. And now what I'm recording to you now, I just dropped off my wife and my young son Atticus. He's got a three week ballet intensive, um, that we still wanted him to go to. They're going to fly down there and then in a couple weeks come up for um, the funeral. Um, and so now I am um, like right now, uh, it's like I'm grieving missing them already. It's like we had this very intense emotional thing happen and then we just didn't even really get to prepare to send them away for three weeks. And I'm just, I'm just m. Mentally and emotionally a French fry right now. I just don't even know what way is up or down. Um, so I felt like I started this episode thinking I was going to give you some tips on securing your family during and after a disaster. So I guess those tips are as morbid as it sounds. Not a bad idea to start thinking about the fact that you won't live forever unless they, you know, I don't know, unless Elon Musk figures that out or whatever. That's a separate topic. Um. Oh, I know I meant to mention this way, way, way earlier, but one thing I would recommend you do with your, whoever someone super close to you in your life, that's, that's really, you know, you, you, it'd be somebody like my dad that, you know, has a lot of stories and you, you want to capture their life in a form, uh, you know, expires. I'm so thankful that years ago we made a story worth book from my dad. And this is not a commercial for them, but I really love their service and if you've not heard of that, it's not very expensive. I think it's 100 and some bucks. And what happens is you sign your loved one up for it and every week they get a question and you can have influence over those questions. You can kind of preload the bank of questions or edit their order or whatever you want. They have like a bajillion to choose from so every week they get a question in their email and it'll be something, um, I thought were very thought provoking and like, you know, what's your earliest childhood memory? What was your mom like? What was your dad like? Um, what's, you know, something you saw in your father that you wanted to do differently with you being a father. Um, you know, what was your first job? Um, do you have any regrets? I mean, tell me a memorable story from your time during the service, which obviously applies if you were in the service, but yeah, we, you know, edited that and tweaked that quite a bit. But it comes in via email. All they have to do is hit reply and write up as little or as much as they want. And then when the 52 weeks are over, they put that into all those stories into a hardcover book. You also get a PDF copy. But, um, I think where they make their money is the hardcover book. So then we ordered a copy for, you know, all the family members. And, uh, admittedly I had not been through that whole book, but it has been very comforting for me the last few nights to just sit, um, down and read that. And, you know, each one is like a chapter. And, um, some, you know, he wrote a couple pages worth, some maybe just a paragraph, but to really, um, remember and revisit, you, uh, know what he was like as a kid and learn some new things about him. I learned that, uh, when he was growing up, there was a church right across the road from him, and he made really good friends with the pastor's kids and they started smoking at age 8. They would find, this is so gross. Oh, my gosh. They would find like, you know, used cigarette butts that still had tobacco in them, and they would extract the tobacco out of those, roll them up into toilet paper, and make homemade toilet paper cigarettes. Oh, I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it. And I've never smoked, but that sounds. Smoking sounds nasty as is. No offense if you do, but I wouldn't, I don't think anybody would go, oh, that looks and sounds delicious, but toilet paper as the outside lining. Heavens. Oh, um, but that's something that I hadn't heard. So I've been sitting down and I plan to again while my family's, uh, all kind of out of town. Uh, besides Cam, I gonna sit down and just read a few chapters each week and try to finish it up, um, in time for his funeral. Uh, so that was maybe more self therapy and mental throwing up than really giving you tips. Um, but hopefully when you hear between the lines, maybe you'll pull some tips for this. Like, you know, of course there's that standard cheesy stuff about you Know, live each day to the fullest and don't forget to tell the people around you that you love them. Um, that is all important. I'm not trying to downplay that at all. Um, but, uh, not a bad idea. Again, if you've got somebody that you really want to capture more memories with. Pictures and video are great, but I think stories from their perspective in like a story worth or similar book would be great. And, um, you know, not a bad idea to start saving money for your eventual not aliveness. And, um, if you have certain ideas of what you'd like a service. Ah, to be or not to be. Oh, and, and here's the final thing. Uh, I'll leave you with. Um, I would highly advise, um, communicate with the people that will be making decisions about your remains. Talk to them, have in writing, be very clear about, um, you know, cremation versus burial versus whatever. Um, this was always a point of kind of pain for my wife and I because her. When her mom died many years ago, she had expressed verbally many times to us that absolutely, she wanted to be cremated. And then the rest of the family decided to do like the. Have her body out from the memorial and bury her and all that. And that was just emotionally tough because we knew she wanted it a different way. Um, my dad had put right in his paperwork cremation, um, oh, maybe. Okay, sorry, this is not really a tip. This is just maybe something to be aware of. And then I promise I'll get this, this all, uh, wrapped up here. Um, but I didn't know until we got to the end of the memorial planning service. I had no idea that there are 627 different ways to literally keep a piece of your loved one with you after they're cremated. So I guess a standard practice, at least for this funeral home, is to fingerprint the loved one who has passed. And then they make available for you in a variety of products in a magazine, little pennants, little, you know, necklaces and bracelets and rings that have your loved one's fingerprint, um, incorporated into it. You can do that. You can also have, as far as cremation, uh, you can have a main urn, and then you can have a waterproof one that has your ashes in it that you can, um. Like we did for my aunt this past summer, um, she wanted to be scattered in the lake that we spent a lot of summers at. And so we brought that, got, uh, in a boat and drove out to the middle of the lake. And then you can literally just put this Urn in the water and it kind of floats for a second and it gets absorbed by the water and it's all biodegradable. Like in two days it breaks down to nothing. Um, but you can do that. You can have the ashes put into many different, you know, little, uh, baggies for spreading multiple places. Um, so my dad wants some at the cemetery, some on this four wheeler trail and some in a lake. So, um, yeah, I mean when I was a kid there was just, there was just in the ground, but now there's many options. And then maybe, uh, and then also a lot of products you can buy around their not being here anymore. So just be aware of that. That was kind of eye opening to me and even more eye opening when they took us in the back room where they have all this stuff on display. I mean, it's fine, I get it. But it is sort of the upsell portion of their presentation. You know, it's like before you go, you know, you buy today and get 10% off a mini urn with your dad's remains in it and a fingerprint necklace. And I'm just kind of like, yeah, you know what, Dale? I don't want to talk about this right now. I mean, it was like sort of humorous, but also like, what the h. I don't want to, you know, turn my dad into an Atari cartridge or whatever and have his dust be in there or whatever you're offering. Like, it's just a no from me. But some of my other family members were very much like, yes, get me a mini pendant with some ash in it and get me all this stuff. So going back to my point, um, maybe that's the thing to end on. What I would encourage, what I would offer to you is from my experience with loss, everybody handles it at a different speed and in a different way and in a different intensity. And I think you just kind of have to give each other some grace and patience to all go through it in your own way and just be there for each other. And that's what we're focused on now. Um, if I'm being super transparent, I don't know that I'm fully in grief mode like I would be because I'm so worried about the rest of my family members. But I'm trying to just keep that door open and um, and uh, not hold back because I would rather, I don't know, maybe this sounds bad. I'd rather let it just wash over me 100% how it's going to than like try to Put on a happy face and tap dance around it. And then, like, years from now, I have other issues that really are stemming from unprocessed grief. Okay. I think I have fully depressed myself. Did I get. Did you get fully there? I hope. I hope you did. Oh, my Lord. Um, I don't know how you're feeling, though. I actually feel a lot better having said all of this. Um, Yeah. And I thank you for checking out the podcast. Um, if you made it this far and you're like, I've never listened to an episode, what are we even doing? Normally we talk about security stuff. Okay, so, um, I'll be back next week with something more pen test and blue team and certification related. I got to get back on the horse and get cr. No crtp. I have Certified Azure Red Team Cart P. Certified Azure Red Team Professional. I'm going to get it back on that horse. Oh, and then next week, what I'll probably tell you about is a new lab from the friends that brought us, um, Game of Active Directory and Game of Active Directory Light and sccm. And what's the other one? Ninja Hacker Academy. Oh, and I keep saying final thing. Um, it's not on the calendar yet, but whatever the third Thursday of July is, I want to try to do just like an unedited turn on the camera live stream where we own Ninja Hacker Academy from start to finish, including getting Kali set up, getting all the tools set up, getting mythic C2 framework going, uh, create agents, obfuscate them with ballast kit, the whole thing, uh, like without any fast forwarding and stuff. And who knows? I don't know, it could be a 2 hour, 3 hour, 5 hour thing. I don't know, I just kind of want to. Just for funsies and see if anybody, you know, maybe you just want to pop in, say hi and be like, wow, this looks like this is going very slow. And Brian is not able to get package dependencies resolved. Maybe it'll just be that and I'll have to, you know, I don't know, reinstall the lab. Who knows? I just kind of want to, because I've got Ninja Hacker Academy on a hetzner box that I want to retire at the end of July and I want to send it off by getting good use out of it. So anyway, I've got so much going through my head, I just got to stop. What are we out here, like an hour? Almost 40 minutes. Dear heavens. Well, thanks so much. If you're a thoughts, prayers, vibes person, I'd ask that you'd send some my family's way this next few weeks, um, and always if you can spare it. And, uh, I'm. You know, you all are in my thoughts and prayers. And, um, we'll talk to you next week. All right, Take care. Bye. Bye.