Physically Present, Emotionally Absent: The Leadership Gap Destroying Your Influence

Ja'Quan Lavender: It's not true. Rest is more important than the work. If I'm trying to pour from an empty cup, there's no way I can fill that cup. You gotta rest first and then pour.

Ralph Owens: Welcome back to Leadership Sovereignty Podcast. We are continuing with the, conversation with Mr. JaQuan Lavender. It's been a fantastic conversation.

And JaQuan, we talked about your origin story. We talked about your philosophy. So let's get into the method. Right?

Mentorship is at the center of everything that you do. But I think mentorship is one of the most understood words in leadership. You know, what does mentorship look like for you, and what does it cost you? Ja'Quan Lavender: I would say mentorship is just simply being a servant.

You know, Jesus said whoever wants to be great among you, let him be a servant first. So I think when you when you serve, you're you're a true leader. It's it's gonna cost you a lot. You know, you're not thinking about yourself, you're thinking about other people.

Right. You letting go of what you want, and you paying the people first. That's a true leader, that's a true servant, and just taking care of the people, having compassion for them, and actually loving them, and not expecting anything back. Ralph Owens: Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's that's something that's interesting that when we talk about mentorship, we never think about the cost that comes along with it.

Right? And and it's not just giving some simple advice. Right? It's consistency.

It's it's making time in your schedule. It's, you know, I I'm one of these people that when I get focused on something, I don't like to be interrupted. Right? Because I I you know, my my mind is in such a high gear and a high mode of execution.

And when I get interrupted, then I got to start over, I gotta get myself back up to that place. Right? And I remember once, you know, the Holy Spirit told me, you know, well, Jesus was interrupted all the time. And when you read through the Bible, you hear it.

You know? He was he he had just finished healing all these people, he was tired, and somebody came and got him. Right? You know?

And it also taught me the value of this kind of a side topic of being able to give yourself recovery, because it would talk about how he would go up in a mountain by himself. Right? He would go out in wilderness by himself. Right?

So he can give himself time to recover. But, you know, I I think it's it's it's it's understated, and it's it's important to to to really draw out the fact that mentorship actually costs the mentor something. Right? It's not just something that is, oh, I'll just give it to you in my spare time.

Right? You know, that kind of thing. You really gotta be intentional about those things. But, you know, what does that bring to mind for you, Terry?

Terry Baylor: Man, look, anytime that you are going to deposit, you gotta be in a position to recover. So, JaQuan, I would love to hear what that means to you, especially as a elite athlete. I don't know if there's anything, you know, more physically draining than the 400. And so I really wanted to dig into that a little bit.

Right? Because as you prepare for that race, all the you know, because my son with him and our dad, we ran ten three hundreds today. We ran, you know, all the different iterations you guys have to do. But what do you have to do to recover to be ready for whatever, next day's practice or next week's race?

And how have you taken that into what you do today? Because you are giving to, man, our most precious commodity, in my opinion, is the youth. Ja'Quan Lavender: Mhmm. So when I was a 400 runner, when we had to recover, as I began to get into the professional, It's the little things, extra stretching, taking a day off and going swimming, lower exercise, so you do some biking, just going for a walk.

You know, just the just the little things. You focus on your core. You can spend a whole day just swimming and then going to the gym and you just do core workout. You don't touch the weights.

Eat more food, drink a lot of water. Do your favorite things. You just it's almost like a time just to reflect and enjoy life because track is so taxing. All you think about, I gotta run fast, I gotta run fast, I gotta go do this workout, I'm not gonna get faster.

And it's it's not true. Rest is more important than the work. If I'm trying to pour from an empty cup, there's no way I can fill that cup. Wow.

It's like, you gotta rest first and Ralph Owens: then how no work. Terry Baylor: Rest is more important than the work. He just didn't blew my whole I got to start over, Ralph. I got to I got to start over, bro.

You mean rest? I feel like Iverson, you talking about rest. Ja'Quan Lavender: But if you think about it though, remember when the disciples came back, when he sent them out and there was a side that, you know, we cast out demons in your name. And what's the first thing they did?

He said, come and rest. Come and rest. After all that ministry where he said, and rest. And then while they was resting, that's when the multitude came and they had to go back to work.

But there was a time that they had to rest because in order for them to go out and do the work, they had to be replenished mentally, physically, but also spiritually to go do that. Ralph Owens: So so tie that into how you mentor young people. You're constantly giving of yourself, you know, to to try to pour into them so that they can be a prudent leader. But what does that cost you as the mentor, and what do you have to do to build yourself back up so that, to your point, you know, your cup is empty now because you've given it out loud.

How are how are you replenishing that? It costs a lot. Ja'Quan Lavender: You got kids after sessions pulling on me. Mister Lavender, you know, this is going on at home.

And mister Lavender, I wanna learn about the Bible. So I gotta be able to stop what I'm doing, spend an extra five to ten minutes with that young man. Okay. Tell me what's going on at home.

I'm hearing it. And then I'm feeling like, wow, this is a lot. So mentally, I'm like, you know, it's just coming into my spirit. So I'm like, okay, here's what to do.

So I give them that advice. Then I got to turn my face this way. Mister Lavender, you know, I want to learn about Jesus. And then the six of them asking me this.

So I got to sit down for twenty minutes to talk about the Bible. So then when I was trying to leave the school, here come another young man, mister Lavender. Mister Lavender. And then they got me on Instagram.

They got my phone number. So I'm getting phone calls. I'm getting text messages. So in order for me to be able to fill my cup, I may not respond back as quick as they want to, intentionally because I need to be in prayer.

Need to make sure that I'm reading the word. I need to make sure that my mind is reseted to be able to give to them. Because if I'm responding out of tiredness, I'm a be done on my best. And if when I'm tired, as we all get, we may get a little, I wanna say quick temper, but you're not gonna be as responsive as you wanna be.

As patient. Patient. There you go. Thank you.

So I may not be as patient. And then if they see me, well, you talking about the prudent man is patient. Mhmm. Now I'm not showing patience, you know?

So that's why I gotta take a step back. Ralph Owens: But you know what? It's important, though. Right?

As leaders, we have to be able to know our state. That's that's EQ. Right? We have to be able to know our mental and our emotional state so that we can put ourselves in a position where we can get what we need so we can continue to be the best for the people that we serve.

Jesus was the greatest example of a man we would ever have. And if he had to go get rest, if he had to pull away from everybody, right, to refill himself, as a leader, in order to be able to be the best for your people, you have to be able to measure that for yourself and apply it. Right? I mean, let's be honest.

How many times have we all we knew that our internal barometer was going up, and instead of doing the right thing and pulling ourselves away, we stayed in that moment and then we snapped on somebody, right? Or we were quick tempered with somebody, right? You know, being able to measure I mean, talk about that. Understanding that, okay, man, I probably had enough.

I need to go ahead and back myself away And so that I can maintain this this level of posture, you know, of mentorship. Talk about that a little bit. Ja'Quan Lavender: Yeah. Sometimes I would take times away from the school where I just email the principal and say, hey, won't be able to make it.

Now I don't need to explain myself, but I'll just say, let's just reschedule for our next time. I know why I need to take time because, again, traveling and mentor kids, it becomes a lot. But it's not only the kids. Grown men reach out to me.

You know, at 50 year old man, I don't know my purpose. You know how hard that is to hear that? Hearing that as a 30 year old and a 50 year old, like that's it's scary to me because I would say my biggest fear, know this is on top of it, my biggest fear is not being the man God called me to be. And to get to that age and still say I don't know my purpose, what did I do prior to that to not know my purpose?

I can't blame the gentleman I'm saying for me, but what did I do that put me in the position to not know my purpose? Wow. So I this this is a real thing. A lot of this is a generation where men don't know who they are.

Ralph Owens: It's good, Terry Baylor: man. You're Ralph Owens: right. It's so good. Ja'Quan Lavender: You are Terry Baylor: you are so you are so so so true, man.

And I think part of it is, right, just look at your path and your journey, and the right people were at the right place at the right time. Even when I look at my journey, I was sharing with someone the other day, I was fortunate that my purpose in life is leadership. I didn't always know that, but it was something that I've always done. Right?

But all the things that I'm passionate about, I was just blessed to have it in my house. Every single thing that I do right now today, I was exposed to before I was 15. Right? Music, exposed to it.

Technology, exposed to it. Leadership, exposed to it. Sports. So my three passions are music, technology, and sports.

I was doing all that by the age I was 13 or 14 years old. Well, little did I know, I got six brothers, man. So I was fortunate to see a lot of dudes do a lot of stuff. Right?

And there are different forms of leadership. We're all different. But, again, but not everybody has a path like that. But to your point and your story, I put coach was it coach Horne?

Ja'Quan Lavender: Yes, sir. Terry Baylor: Yeah. That dude right there, I'm looking him up. Ralph Owens: Hey, quick pause.

If this conversation is adding value, take thirty seconds right now and leave a review on Apple Podcast. Your review helps more leaders find this show. Links are in the show notes. Now back to it.

So we we we talked about, coaches and community leaders who've left the lasting impression and imprint on your life. Right? Who was the mentor that really changed your trajectory? Right?

And what specifically did they do that others did not do? Ja'Quan Lavender: I will say coach Jack Thornton. So coach Thornton was my middle school, high school. And when I got out of college, he was my coach.

But even in college, he was still coaching me and calling me, checking in on me, giving me pointers. And I also did summer track with him. So he would take me to USA Nationals and AAU meets. So that was I was the coach that was always there for me.

Coach Jack, you know, he taught me a lot through track. He called me grasshopper. So grass is I don't know where he got it from. It's like a term that he just always used.

He just gave me that nickname. He would call me grasshopper, and he always say grasshopper, you're not ready yet to snatch the pebble just yet. And it will always keep me on my toes just, you know, staying focused. And, you know, he always say, plan the work, work the plan, then that means you build the blueprint.

And then once you build the blueprint, you go out and work. But the four p's that he had for the 400 was push, push out hard, the first 100, positioning, get a position, relax, but apply pressure, position, and then pedal to the metal. Push no. Push, pace, position, then pedal to the metal.

That's what it was. Ralph Owens: I got you the four piece. Nice. Nice.

Nice. Nice. Nice. That's awesome, man.

So so again, how how are you actually seeing yourself replicate, you Ja'Quan Lavender: know, what he did in you and those that you mentor today? It's like the same thing. The biggest thing you teach these kids that you're not going to be a prudent man overnight, so patience is key. If you don't have patience, you're going to blow it.

So when I look back at my career, if I didn't have patience, I was going to blow it because if I'm trying to get somewhere where I'm not ready for it, I'm gonna blow this whole thing. So if they're trying to rush to become a prudent man, it's impossible, it's not an overnight process. Ralph Owens: Let's just stay there for a second, because that's something that is so powerful that is resonating with me right now, is the ability for me to have patience with myself. Putting this unnecessary pressure on yourself to be perfect, understanding that it's a journey and you'll get to the destination if you keep moving forward and doing the right things, right?

But I think for some of us, especially as leaders, sometimes we can be so hard driven to try to get to an end destination that we're not patient with ourselves and we put ourselves through unnecessary stress, right? And put ourselves in positions where, you know, we can't perform or, you know, degrades our, even our mental health, you know, as it pertains to that. Mean, talk about that a little bit. Ja'Quan Lavender: Yeah.

I just believe that, you know, patience is a virtue, as they say. If you're not willing to be patient, you're gonna be impatient and it's gonna lead to a downfall. Ralph Owens: Yeah. Ja'Quan Lavender: And when you think about the story of Moses, not Moses, Abraham in Genesis, when he had to wait to become the father of the the nations.

And, you know, that took a hundred years. His white boy child at 90 years old, and it said that Jesus came down to the the camp where they were at and said that a year before it came and she laughed and chuckled and said, I can't have a child in this old age. Like, that's, you know, doubt and impatience. It just that's that's what happens.

You start you start saying stuff you shouldn't be saying. So Wow. I just think that patience is a virtue. Ralph Owens: Yeah.

Yeah. And if you can't have patience with yourself, you how gonna have patience with somebody else? Ja'Quan Lavender: Exactly. Ralph Owens: That's good.

That's good. That's good. That's good. So as you expand your program now to the Prudent Woman Leadership Academy, You know, talk about that decision and why that was necessary, and what does it say about your vision for community transformation?

Ja'Quan Lavender: The Prudent Woman is important because you see a lot of young ladies that don't have principles, that don't know morals and standards, they dress any type of way, say anything. And it's the same need that the young men have. So I wanted to start it because one, every time I go to a school, a school is always asking, do you have a program for women? And I'm like, yeah, I do.

But at the time, no one could teach it. So we have someone now that can teach it, and it's success. It's very good. Very, very good.

Ralph Owens: That's fantastic. Ja'Quan Lavender: Young ladies is learning, and I'm very impressed. Sometimes I think that the ladies is better than the young men. I honestly believe that the young ladies mature quicker than the young men, and I'm seeing it for myself.

Ralph Owens: That is that's incredible. So when you watch a young man or a young woman graduate from your program, what's the thing you see in them that tells you that the work really landed, it really worked? Ja'Quan Lavender: Actions never lie. Two two things.

The mirror never lie and the character never lies. So once I see their character marrying from the prudent man, prudent woman, I say they got it. Whenever I see that they are doing the opposite, they don't got it. So they need to sit still for a second.

Ralph Owens: That's so good. So for the leaders in our audience who have influence over others, whether they're managing a team or raising children, what's the one thing they need to understand about what mentorship really requires? Ja'Quan Lavender: Okay. I would say being understanding.

A lot of parents are understanding. They want everything their way. Like you gotta understand your child. You gotta understand why is his behavior this way?

Why is he quiet? You know, it's it's a lot of things that we may not understand as parents, but I read a book, I think it was Battle Cry or The The Moment Demands by Jason Wilson. He will always say that he would just go in his child's room, sit on his son's floor without his permission. And when his child was upset, he would just lay on the floor until his son was ready to talk.

And then his son would open up because he put himself in a position where he can talk to him, but he put himself in a vulnerable position where my dad wants to talk to me and understand me. Wow. A lot of fathers and mothers is there physically, but emotionally they're not there for their kids. Ralph Owens: So Ja'Quan Lavender: when that's missing, how can that connection work?

It's not gonna work unless I'm being understanding as a parent. Ralph Owens: Yeah. Yeah. I see that parallel in leadership in the workplace, right?

Until you are willing to get on the level and be vulnerable with those that you lead, you may not be able to reach them. Right? They may not be willing to open up to you so that you can actually influence them to move to the next level. So I think that's fantastic.

That's fantastic, man. That's a great end to this episode. So thank you. Thank you so much.

Ja'Quan Lavender: Yes, sir. Ralph Owens: That's a wrap on this episode of the Leadership Sovereignty Podcast. If today's conversation added value, I want you to do three things right now. Number one, subscribe so you never miss an episode.

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