Rising with Resilience

Kind: captions Language: en Hello, hello, hello. I just wanted to pop in and encourage you. I am super excited about this interview series. You are going to be inspired as you move forward seeking your purpose. You'll get information here that will help you on your reinvention journey. So know just taking small steps no matter how small they are you are moving forward. You're moving forward in that trajectory that you are trying to create for yourself. So stay tuned, listen in, come back for the whole series. I know with each interview you are going to get a nugget that you can apply to your life and be on the path for fulfillment. See you later. Welcome to today's episode of Blossom with Pride, where we inspire and empower women, particularly empty neester moms, to embrace their next chapter and live in their divine purpose. I'm your host Nicole Pride and today I am super excited to have with us today Dr. Sabrina J. Ellis. She is a dynamic leader and author and she's dedicated her life to empowering women to reclaim their identity and walk boldly in their God-given purpose. So, with a wealth of wisdom and passion and information, um she's going to share with us about how we can live better and develop stronger relationships with our family and develop in our personal growth. And so, Dr. Ellis is here to share all of that with you. We're so again super excited. So, welcome, welcome, welcome Dr. Ellis for being here. >> Thank you for having me. >> Yes. And so this whole concept here of um living in your divine purpose and that's what we're all about here at Blossom with Pride. Um where did that come from? Where is that passion for you to help people live in their purpose? Well, one of the things for me is that so often we find ourselves trying to um we we first compare ourselves with others and then we try to emulate some of the things that other people do because we see them as successful and we want some of that success. And so often times we lose who we really are. We don't even consider what um our divine purpose may be. Um and so that kind of gets pushed to the back while we're looking to uh accomplish what somebody else has accomplished or to have what someone else has has or do what somebody else has done. when um >> you're an individual, I'm an individual and you have a purpose um and you're finding your purpose in Nicole uh with pride. I think I said that correctly. >> Blossom with pride. That's all good. >> Blossom with pride. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What was your first thing? Blossom with pride. And then I find my purpose um in other things, in other ways. And so the the other issue um that we deal with is the seasons of life. And so when things change, there are major changes in our lives, then we try to figure out how do we move forward? Um is there a new purpose? Um do we stick with what the purpose was in the beginning or >> find ourselves um recreating ourselves? So um at this stage in my life um um I I have gone through the empty nesting um I lost my husband in 2020 and so I right now in this season it's redefining myself um understanding what my purpose is in this season, how it connects with what my original purpose um >> has been. and and so it takes work. >> Yeah. So you said so much that I do not want to gloss over. I I really want to underscore a few points. So the first thing you talked about is that whole comparison thing, right? That is real and that will destroy a person. >> Yeah. >> Right. Um >> Yeah. Uh and so particularly in this age of social media when everything looks so perfect, everything is so curated and people really are living their best life, you know, and so you're you start to look at yourself and um I that's what got me in trouble quite quite frankly and what started this whole thing. Um, you know, I I said to myself, "Oh, by a certain age, I should be doing X, Y, and Z." And I wasn't there. And so, I nearly killed myself to be who I thought I should be, right? And um literally like and I shared this in another episode, but falling asleep on the highway, you know, um just sacrificing sleep because I thought I had to have this position, had to have, you know, all the things. And so how what what would you say to people to help them combat against that, you know? Well, um, first of let me be, um, a little transparent because I I too have had to deal with that. But for me, and the way it impacts impacted me, and I I suspect it impacts many women the same way, is you start to have these issues with confidence. you lack confidence because you feel like you're not measuring up or you haven't arrived at the place you thought you would arrive in the time you thought you would. And so >> um I personally have dealt with am dealing with um not on the same level I've broke >> tremendously but I feel like it's the transparency when talking to people. I'm not talking about something that I read in a book. I read it in a book. The book confirmed what I was feeling about myself. But it was because of the comparison. >> I'm not that good. I'm not good enough. I can't do what they do. Well, I'm not required to do what anybody else does. >> Yes. Amen. inspired to live within my purpose and be confident in what the gifts are that have been given to me. And that's what becomes um the challenge for many to see uh to see ourselves as gifted >> and even as a gift >> the community >> to um what what wherever we're serving wherever we're um wherever we're developing relationships and developing community and and sometimes it's it's difficult Ult. And a lot of it, which we do not have time for today, but a lot of it goes back to our upbringing, our experiences, the things that we were taught, the things that have been said to us. And we don't realize how we take those things in and literally define ourselves based on something somebody else said to us. >> Yeah, I know. It's really it's really a mind shift change that you have to go through. >> Yeah. And that's difficult, >> right? >> Particularly if you're talking about, you know, things that were planted in you from childhood, but even just getting to the point where you're talking about where you the confidence, right? My husband drills that into our our youngest son right now who's with us at home. our our oldest son is off to college already, but the confidence is just so key. I I wholeheartedly agree with that. And um taking the time to recognize and identify the gifts that you're talking about and people don't do that, right? And they probably don't even know where to start. Like how do you identify the gifts? Do you have any tips about how people can identify their gifts? One very simple thing is to ask the people that you're around most often, what do they see in you? What do they see to be your strengths or what do they see to be your weaknesses? And you know, it's best to ask people that you're you're with on a regular basis. You know, I mean, if you pick a good five or six, I don't know, could be friends, uh, co-workers, >> family member maybe want, but a a group of people that you could you feel like would be truthful and that you would accept whatever they say that that that that they will actually be honest enough to share what they see. That's one way. Then there are all kinds of gift assessments that you >> take gift assessments that will help you and direct you um you know um for people who are uh who may be engaged in seeing a therapist. They there are all kinds of uh assessments that are offered in that setting. Um, but when you really want to figure out who you are, if you don't really know, those are those are ways to start. >> Just sit down and think about what is it that you've always liked to do? What is it that you've always wanted to do? What have you been attracted to? Those kinds of things. And so, a lot of times you'll find out you're gifted to teach, you're gifted to help. you know, there are many, you know, gifts, but I think those are a couple of the easiest ways to get started, >> right? And so, I I do offer a course that I do recommend people doing a spiritual gifts assessments. I've done that. Um, for myself, I've taken three. And you know, one thing will do it will either confirm some things that you already knew about yourself or enlighten you to get you to think about some areas that you hadn't considered, >> right? And for me, I tell you, across all three, um, one gift came up number one and two in two of the assessments and then the same gift came up at least within the top two or something in the the third assessment. So, it was just like you could not deny that, you know, you could not deny it. >> Yeah. And so you had talked about um the other thing that you mentioned is just different seasons of life, right? And um particularly we're talking about empty neester moms and in this season and as we were chatting with before um many women because they've raised their kids you know until they're maybe like late teens, early 20s. they they gave like their whole life to their children or child and they just put themselves on the back burner, you know, and haven't given themselves the time to evolve, right? So like basically they push the pause button on their lives, devoted everything to their kids, and then you know after they do the big drop off on the college campus, right, they're just like, "Oh, wait. What? what do I do now? And um you know I you you talked about your own transition life um life event like losing your husband, right? So there are these different triggers that people go through. Are you able to share about what that process was like for you after dealing with such a major significant um and and I'm sorry for your loss. >> No, thank you. Thank you. Um it helps to talk about it. Um uh but the the first thing of course was um my children going off to school and you know even when they went to school I figured they're coming back, right? And then they come home for a little bit because the whole time they've been they've been planning their exit, right? So >> yeah. So I I will admit that that like uh initially kind of drove me crazy because both my daughters left at the same time. >> Okay. >> Out of state. >> And so I was a a wreck initially, but I told my husband, it's a good thing we like each other. We >> we we came to grips with it and we we stayed busy in ministry and whatnot. Um but in 2019 he suffered a stroke after battling cancer for many years off and on. >> You never knew he had you wouldn't know he had cancer unless somebody told you because he went through all the treatments. Came out >> like you like champ. Never lost his hair. Any of those common things that you would expect. But the book >> kind of took him down. Wow. And so, um, >> he seemed to have been recovering and then we got into 2020 and we all know the pandemic. >> Yeah. >> During that time, but he never fully recovered. Um, cancer didn't take him out. um actually, you know, I don't know how much the stroke had to do with it, but he was on his way to recovery and just at a point uh at the point of his passing, it was just um his heart stopped beating. >> That's best way they could describe it. His heart stopped beating. >> Wow. >> So, that has been a major major transition for me and my girls. um just trying to figure out life without him because he was such a major part of our lives. Um I I I can't even explain how major um not just our pastor uh not just the father but some of everything. You just name it and he was just he was our answer for everything. And so it was a major loss, but I I felt like it I feel like I am I have come out of a fog. You probably um understand grief or anybody listening um understands grief. It's kind of sneaks up on you right when you think you're coming away from it. But it wasn't just the grief. It was almost like living in a unreal world. But at the same time, I was deciding. I had already decided, hadn't figured out how I was going to accomplish it. I want to live, >> but >> I want to figure out how I'm going to get past this and figure out what f what my future looks like >> without my husband. My kids gone on to develop their families. Uh they have, you know, they're they're both married. And I mean I left home. So I had to leave my parents with that same >> right. >> Yeah. >> Life is just what happens. >> Yeah. >> Even the loss the u uh losing a spouse um or anyone for that matter. Um as much as we know academically that that is a process of the life cycle. >> It happens. >> It's not until it happens to you. >> Right. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, >> you recognize the devastation. But in that, I continued to say, I have to figure out what life looks like without him. >> Yeah. >> He's not coming back. And so, do I just sit back and and wait for the decline uh where for myself? And I decided, no, that's not what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna >> figure this out. figure out, you know, how I'm going to be okay. Not not just financially, >> but mentally and spiritually. >> Yeah. >> And rise above the whole uh grief process. And I I made a statement on um on a social media post not too long ago uh about uh overcoming grief and not allowing it to overwhelm me. >> It takes work though. It does. >> You know that it's totally remarkable what you're saying. um you know cuz some women really dealing with the whole empty neester thing they go some women go into a depression right and so we know it's not the same as death because the children are alive and you'll get to see >> it's a loss >> but it's a loss right I totally agree we had a psychotherapist talk about it as loss and going through the grieving process but I love the fact that you said you had to make the decision to live like that is so powerful powerful. >> You know, I um I I was sharing with um some people who I coach, there's this whole mentality of it will do this it will do mentality, right? And it's about just staying stuck and just being in that place and just accepting that, right? And not making the decision to grow and evolve. And so that that is the first step to say the current state is not good enough. The current state is not where I want to be. I want more. And um I I think that's just powerful right there. Making the decision that you want more out of your life. Yeah. Yeah. And so once you made that decision, how did you start to move forward? Well, um I did initially I was a lot of things I did um I realized on this end it was part of the grief because I was spending money um that I didn't need to spend. But you know uh the first thing was waking up one day and realizing I don't want to live in this house. Um it was the second house that we had built together. Um and it was fine. I was okay and but I decided I didn't want to live in the house any longer. So I moved from there to a townhouse >> tried just loved the townhouse. It was phenomenal. Um and I would that it was the season during the season I was also pastoring because be prior to his passing he um appointed me as pastor because he felt like he wasn't going to get back up on his feet like he wanted to. So >> I pased him through the pandemic. >> Wow. That that alone. >> Yeah. And got us back into the building and we were worshiping in the building. And then I realized I don't want to do this either. >> Says I have to. And these are conversations I was having with myself. And I thought, you know, people determine what they think you should be doing >> and and and that's how so many people end up >> stuck, >> right, >> in situations that they really don't want to be in. So I realized I didn't have to pastor or I didn't have to stay in a place where um people were trying to determine whether they was really okay with me without him because that you know there are all these >> there are so many dynamics and this is just my situation but any situation has so many other pieces >> right >> that are part of the puzzle and so I decided to move again. And I left the city I was living in, moved out of state. >> And so I've been where I am now for a little over two years, maybe right at two years. Um, >> but I have to stop you right there because I that is amazing. Like that's courage, right? So first you made a decision that you can't stay in the state that you're in, but then you were willing to make the changes, right? And you know how hard that is for people to go through change and accept change and >> but you know change is going to happen regardless, right? And so being >> the one making those changes is a different position than change being thrusted upon you, right? >> Yeah. I I don't even think I was thinking of myself as being courageous. Not at the time. Mhm. >> I just knew I needed to do something. I I couldn't just sit and mope. And of course, I was hurt. I was crying. I was grieving. All of that, but >> not just add to the depressed state. I had to work or fight to come out of it. >> And that's how I saw myself. And and it wasn't until people were asking me about the pastor in the church and my response would be, "Oh, I'm no longer pastoring. I walked away." And they would say what you just said. How courageous. And I was like, and that their thing was, "Nobody quits." >> And I thought, but quitting was what was good for me. >> That's what I needed to do. >> Yeah. >> Move forward. Right. >> So, um, yeah, and and I'm doing I mean, I feel like I've been it was the right decision for me >> and it has helped me to work my way out of what I mentioned a little bit ago, what seemed like a fog. >> Yes, >> I'll always miss him. >> Will always be those moments that sneak up on, you know, always the holidays. There's always the anniversaries, but it's sort of like deciding, okay, I'm gonna stay in the moment, but I can't stay here much past this time. I gotta >> Yeah. And and I thank you because I, you know, just like on social media, people tell the highlights without the backstory. And so the backstory is key. It was not easy, right? you did have your moments where like you said you're crying through it but you push through it and I think for anyone listening what they can take away are these key steps right make the decision and push through then make the changes they don't have to be dramatic changes of like leaving the state or quitting your job but looking at how you want a richer life right what can add more peace to your life value to your life joy to your life and making those steps to do it. >> Absolutely. Absolutely. See, and so like even the leaving the state, moving from one state to the other, there there was there was meaningful purpose if you will because remember my girls had been long gone. Now my husband passes. I don't really have um immediate family. >> I'm basically there alone. My family >> is in the city in the state that I moved to. >> Sense then I started I also started recalling things that my husband had said years prior if something happens to me go to where your family is >> and I'm like okay he already said this >> I just do it. >> And so for somebody else you're right it may not be that drastic. Um your kids are not at home anymore. You're used to looking after them, taking care of them, doing things for them. Figure out what it was you were thinking about doing on those days that you could not >> Yeah. >> your children, right? >> Whatever you were dreaming about doing then, >> that's what you probably should. >> Right. Right. >> Do. >> Yeah. >> So, Dr. Ellis, you are an author. So, tell us about that. tell us about your book. >> Well, the last book that I wrote actually uh was to be um introduced at the top of the pandemic. I didn't know, of course, none of us knew the pandemic was coming. And I were hosting a conference and I was going to introduce the book at that conference and that never happened. >> The book is entitled Wife Life, Securing Your Future. And basically it is uh the other irony here is that by the end of that year I became a widow. The book is really uh addressing women who are married or wanting to be married and uh it's a guide. It's encouragement to prepare for the inevitable. So, >> and so this was a concept way before your your husband passed away. Wow. >> Yeah. The book came out in maybe like April of 2020 and he passed in September of 2020. >> Wow. >> And I I kept saying this was not supposed to happen. And like really God um I have to be the example of what I wrote about really. But um it it's a book that it reminds us that the inevitable is going to happen and we get excited about the wedding day. And of course that we supposed to be happy all the bliss and all of the and the dreams about our future. But there's one thing that we don't really put a lot of emphasis on when we're thinking about the house we're going to buy, the car we're going to buy, how many children we're going to have, whether or not we're going to have a pet. And that is what if something happens to either one of us for that matter, but for the wife especially if the husband passed because the stat statistics say that women outlive their husbands >> and that you know um there I don't remember all of the statistics right now but even there is a statistic that says that um more women are more likely to experience poverty. So only a short period of time after their husbands pass >> and the reality is um if we don't prepare for that then of course we could be one of the the part of the statistics. So that means have insurance consider investments. I don't sell insurance, but I learned enough about financial literacy long before the time came. I I hate that I didn't learn sooner, >> much sooner, but I learned in enough time to be okay. And I have friends or or people that I know who lost their husbands and didn't fall on such it didn't fall in a good place >> and they struggle and I've been fortunate >> and the fact that I wanted to get this information out to women even before I lost my husband it still amazes me. But that's generally what the book is about. It's a guide to to um encourage women to make sure they know what's going on in the finances of their home and put it away. Tuck it away. You don't have to look at it every day. I know I never wanted to really have those conversations with my >> um >> for I just made sure I got done. >> Right. So for the wise who are like plugging their ears going nah nah nah nah right now you know um what would you say to them who you know they don't even want to think about it but listening to your story they may be open to the message right now yeah >> the book is not depressing let me start there that it starts out by telling u I share why um I wrote the book and the fact that I had been watching this kind of thing happened to women since I was a kid. >> Actually, I talk about um my mom's experience, but it wasn't to losing my father to death. It was divorce. >> So, that's still something to consider. Um, I know nobody really wants to talk about a breakup or loss when you first get married, but if you carve the time out and have the conversation and make sure everything's straight, then you, like I said, you can put it away. Um, the book is not a depressing book. It just kind of outlines all of the things that you need to be considering to make sure you're going to be okay. And the interesting thing is, I'll tell this really quickly, is um I did have a a a women's conference that same year where I was able to talk about the book and one of the guest speakers that was presenting was listening to me talk about what was in the book and encourage women to and she stopped me and she said, "Um, I have some work to do. I need to go home. And now, you're not going to believe this. >> Her husband died the same day my husband died. >> Wow. >> But she was able after the conference that I had, >> right? go home. And she was a um she was his second wife and there were adult children of his >> and he had not changed a lot of the property he owned. >> He had not made sure her name >> was on that line. >> Right. Right. >> If she had not asked the questions, >> never would have known. >> Right. And that's not malicious. It's just forgetful, you know, just >> you don't think about >> the documents. Yeah. Right. >> We live our lives as if we're going to live forever. That's I mean that's what we do. I I was not expecting my husband to pass away. You know, there were days where I were mad. I was mad like how could you you know like he could have helped it but you know but it's it's it's a cycle of life. It happens. That's how all of us are leaving here. And I feel like even if the co the conversation around grief happened more often and in a different way where people would not like >> I know I know yeah okay so say the name of the book for us again. >> Wife life >> curing your future. >> And how can people find the book? Well, they can either go to my website, they can go to thesabrinajllis.com. That's the, you know, not t, but thesabrina Ellis, uh, Sabrina jellis.com or And it's on Amazon. You can also go to Amazon to get the book. Um, and I had it done in Audible, so >> Oh, great. >> Yeah, >> that's the way I do it. >> Yeah, >> it's so convenient, though. you know, you could do all kinds of things and listen to the bookable. >> Oh, so this is so helpful. I so appreciate this. And so before we end, is there any parting words that you want to say to our audience if they one takeaway that they can have from this conversation? >> Listen, whatever you're surviving, be a courageous survivor. If you're trying to get past the emptiness issue or you've had any other loss in life, be a courageous survivor. And you start by taking care of yourself first. Selfcare. >> Make yourself a priority. >> Thank you for that. And so, how can people find you on social media and follow you? Where are you? >> Oh, Lord, I don't know the uh Reverend Dr. It's reved Dr. Sabrina on Instagram and I believe it's the same on Facebook. >> Okay, we'll find you. >> All right. >> Just always look for Sabrina Ellis. It's >> a Well, thank you so very much for taking the time out to chat with us. I know that there are some good nuggets that the women in our community can take hold of and apply to their lives and um so just thank you for making the time to share. I appreciate it >> having me. I really appreciate it. Thank you. >> All right. Well, there you go. That concludes another episode of Blossom with Pride. Look forward to chatting with you again soon. Bye.